Picking up My Broken Pieces

by Lady Ali

When Bella's husband Mike, a Marine, goes off to war, she doesn't cope very well...he sends her letters home and her friends Edward and Alice try to help her cope. But how would she go on if he was to die? She doesn't think she will be able too.

Picking up my Broken Pieces.

As we walked hand and hand over to the bus that was taking him away from me for god knows how long, I couldn't say anything to him. Not an I love you, be safe, or anything. He was leaving me to go face an enemy that was fierce, one that would kill him, and they wouldn't have a problem doing it. He was leaving me, his wife, to fight for his country.

Mike and I had been married for what seemed like a life time. We were high school sweet hearts, prom queen and king and all that crazy shit. Shit that didn't mean anything now. Real life was now slapping me in the face. I was totally in a daze, an out of body like experience. I didn't want to think about what was happening because if I really did, I would be in hysterics.

Mike was almost done with his time as a Marine, then 9/11 happened, and now the love of my life was leaving me to go over and fight the bastards. What if he didn't come back to me? What would I do?

I couldn't think about that now, I had to put on a brave face for Mike and tell him to come home to me. I had to be the good military wife and be strong for him. I couldn't break down here and let all his men see me break down. I had to let him know I love him and need him.

"I love you. I'll write you every day, I promise." I said as the tears streaked down my cheeks. He dried them with his thumbs and kissed my forehead. He lingering there for a few minutes then brushed his lips over my skin there down to the tip of my nose. "You have to come back to me." I whispered.

"I will, Bella. I promise you, I will come back. I love you." I closed my eyes and waited for his lips on mine. Once I felt them, I moaned. I would miss his touch, his lips… I loved his hands and lips on my skin. I would even miss his dirty socks on the living room floor, the ones I yelled at him a million times to pick up and they are still there when I come back to clean.

He deepened the kiss, letting his tongue crease my bottom lip. I parted my lips and granted the entrance he was asking. Our tongues dancing to a divine tune that only he and I could hear.

Mike was always so gentle with me. He told me once that I looked like a porcelain doll and that's how he always handled me. This kiss wasn't that gentle, his lips turned rough, like he knew it was our last kiss, the last one we would have…but he promised he would come back to me…so I put that thought out of my head and kept on kissing him till they yelled that it was time to go.

I took in a shuddering breath as he pulled away. He kissed me one more time and hugged me close to him. When he let go, it was like my shadow was ripped away from my very presence and taken from me. I just stood there staring at the bus; watching him get on it and waving to me. I couldn't even raise my arm to wave back to him. My very essence was gone. I was a hollow shell of what I was with him.

I stood there as he took his seat and looked at the window at me and smiled. The bus went completely out of sight and I was unable to move away from the very spot that he had left me. It started to pour down the rain and I still didn't move. I was totally drenched from head to toe and freezing. Someone came up behind me and whispered into my ear.

"He's gone, Bella, you can't stand out here like this. Come on….You have to move or you're going to get sick." She pulled at my shoulders and I let her pull me around and towards the waiting car.

I didn't say anything as she helped me in the car and got in after me, pushing me over to the other side of the seat. I turned my head and stared out the window at the spot where I had just been. Where he had just stood kissing me…touching me…loving me….leaving me. How was I supposed to go on without him here with me? With him over there…

I didn't even realize I was home until Alice opened the door and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned towards her with tears still stuck in my eyes and looked back into my best friend's eyes, asking questions with mine without saying a single word. She gave me that look that only your best friend can give you. The look that says, 'I'm sorry but I have no idea the words to say to make it better.'

I slowly exited the car and headed towards the house that held so much of Mikes and my life; a house that we had bought a year before we got married. We had lived in an apartment together for two years prior to moving to our beautiful two story, four bedroom house. I stared at the front door, unable to open it. My hand hovered over the door handle. I didn't want to go into our house. Mike wouldn't be there waiting for me to come home.

Alice came up behind me and placed her hand on mine and lowered both to the handle and turned it. As the door swung open, the faint scent of his Ralph Lauren cologne hit me in the face stunning me. I stood there looking into my house, seeing a vision of Mike sitting on the couch watching football fading into one of him heading up the stairs and towards our room. This vision again morphed into another of him standing by our back patio doors. He was flashing everywhere, every once in a while one of those visions would turn and look right at me and smile.

Edward, one of our best friends since we were in high school together, came up behind me and gently placed his hand on my back, making me jump and the visions of my Mike evaporated into thin air. I looked up at Edward and whispered two words.

"I can't." He looked at me and then into the house. He reached down and placed his arms around the insides of my knees and he went to pick me up, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and he carried me into the house and up to my room.

Once there, he gently placed me on my bed. I sat there for a minute and kicked my shoes off and then lay down, pulling the covers over me. I turned over on my side and curled into a ball and all the emotions of the day hit me and I suddenly felt extremely tired.

"You look exhausted. Get some sleep, Bella." Edward whispered. I nodded my head and that's all I remember till the next morning. I don't even think I dreamed of anything.

When I woke up the next morning, I slowly came to the realization that he was gone now and that I was all alone. I sat there thinking about what Mike must be going through over there, and decided to be that brave military wife, get through this time with out him, and be the strong woman that Mike thought I was. I got up out of bed, took a shower and got dressed. After my shower and getting dressed I headed downstairs. As I was walking down the stairs, I heard someone in my kitchen and I stooped down on the step, being very quiet, I headed down the stairs. That's when I saw him standing by my sink doing my dishes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He whipped around with his smile plastered on his face. That goofy half smile that I had seen most of my life. Most girls swooned over that smile, but I've never seen him that way. He was one of my best friends…he was just Edward to me. I had to smile at him though, his smile was contagious, I had to give him that much.

He took a few steps away from the sink and the dirty dishes and headed towards the stove bringing a plate with him. He filled it with eggs and bacon, brought it back and set it in front of me.

"Eat Bella," he commanded.

I looked up into his eyes and saw nothing but the love of a friend so I shook my head and ate every last bite. When I was done with the delicious breakfast he had prepared for me, he took the plate and cleaned it. I didn't really know what to say or do at that point. He was being a great friend and I wasn't even here. Okay, maybe physically I was, but mentally, I was over there with Mike.

I heard a knock on the door, breaking the silence between Edward and me. I got up and went to get the door. When I opened the door, Alice was standing there with shopping bags galore in her arms and more sitting on my porch. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head at her. It was so Ali, she was a total shopper…Mega shopper explained her better. Whenever there was a sale she would buy one item in every color the store had.

Edward and I helped her into the house with all the bags and took them into the living room. She explained why she was at my house with all those bags and I was terrified by the first sentence that came out of her little pixie mouth.

"Bella, we are going to give you a make over today. That's why I have all these bags. So, get your little butt upstairs and we can get started. I promise it will make you feel better."

I went to tell her that I was in no mood for a make over. In all reality, I wanted to do nothing but go back to bed and stay there till Mike came home. I knew I couldn't do that, I had my business to take care of, I had to just go on with life like he was here with me. I still was shaking my head no when she put her hands on my shoulders and held me still for a minute.

"Bella, listen. Mike asked us to take care of you while he is gone. He told us to make sure you take care of yourself and I think this is just what you need."

So I spent the next several hours being powdered, smothered in lotion, hair curled, then straighten when she didn't like it, then hair sprayed. Finally, she put me in the prettiest blue sweater and jeans. I can give Ali full credit in the clothing department. She can pick out clothes, but I wasn't really into it.

When she was done, she made me do the whole twirl around thing. She nodded in approval of the job well done. I looked at her as she ushered me out of my room and down the stairs. Edward was standing in the living room and staring at me as I descended the stairs. I felt the blush come to my checks. Tripping over my own two feet and being clumsy Bella, my nickname from Mike, I ended up at the bottom of the stairs on my ass faster than I could think of how it happened.

I closed my eyes and the tears came again. I was embarrassed and upset about Mike not being there to pick me up and put me back on my feet. I missed the way he always would shake his head and mutter something under his breath about clumsy Bella never being able to stay on her own two feet. Edward tried to help me up, but I pushed him off of me and got up running back up the stairs to my room.

They left me alone after that, allowing me to do what I wanted, which was to just stay in my bed and be by myself. Plans to be the tough military wife were abandoned after that moment. During the next several days that is exactly what I did. I stayed in bed not moving and not giving a fuck who knew it. After that, I had to go back to work. Well I really didn't have to. My employees could handle it, but I thought it might help if I got back into the swing of my life or at least try anyways.

I own a book store in town called Bella's Place, I loved it there. It was peaceful and beautiful. It had dark wood and dark wood bookcases, but the walls were a bright red. I always felt at home walking through those doors. Mike had bought the building for me right after we were married. He thought it would be a good thing for me to have a job that I loved and he thought this would help. It was something I loved and being around books always made me happy.

Helping others fall in love with books like me was a dream of mine since I was little. I loved books so much, to submerge myself into a good book could take me to another land where all this shit in my life would just float away down a river and come to a happy ending. Mike knew this and that is why he bought me my own store. I loved him so much for being able to do that for me. He used his money from joining the military to buy the building and put money in the account to get me all set up and started. He was amazing and loving.

I walked back to my office and sat down on my chair behind my desk. Turning on my computer, I hadn't even thought to check my e-mail. Maybe Mike had sent me something. Sure enough, I got onto Yahoo and there it was a message from my Mike. I opened it and read it slowly then reread it again and again.

Bella,

I miss you so much, I hope you are okay. I asked Edward and Alice to take care of you and make sure you are okay. Please don't get mad at me for it. I needed to know you would be okay. Sorry if Ali is torturing you or something with clothes or a make over since I can so see her doing that.

I had to laugh at that part because she had done that to me. She had even asked twice since then to do it again. I usually just rolled my eyes at her. We all had known each other since high school and he knew exactly how she was. After the short laugh, I kept on reading.

God, I miss you so much. It's been crazy around here, Bells. Guns are always going off in the middle of the night. I can't tell you much. Listen, I won't be able to be near a computer for a while. So, I'll just write you a few letters. Make sure to keep an eye out for them.

I love you, Bells, so much.

Mike

I hated that he wouldn't be able to e-mail me much now, but I had those letters to look forward too. I kept that thought in my head for the next few days, keeping an eye out for the first letter. It came about a week after the e-mail and it wasn't a happy letter.

Mike had lost a friend that was standing right next to him. He could have been killed, but someone saved him. He wasn't handling it too well. I wrote back to him right away.

Mike,

I miss you so much. I'm so sorry about your friend. I wish I was there with you so I could hold you in my arms and kiss you and make sweet love to you. I just want to feel your arms around me. If I were there, I would tell you that it all will be okay. But I'm not there with you…but at least I can tell you that I love you more than anything. Stop worrying about me. I'll be okay. You just worry about yourself and come back to me. I'm trying to be strong for you, like you asked me to be. I actually went back to work, so I guess that's a good thing.

Alice did try to torture me. I laughed when I read that in your e-mail. She gave me one make over and I feel down the stairs! I know, Clumsy Bella, right? Our friends are trying to make me feel okay, but it's hard. I miss you so much. I understand it's something you had to do, but I wish you would have never joined the Marines. I know that's probably wrong of me to say, but it's how I feel. I just miss you! Is there anything I can send you, do you need anything? I know I can send you things, I'll send you anything you need, just name it.

I best get back to work.

I love you, Mike.

Bella.

The next several weeks went by and I got a letter from Mike every two or three days. It was almost like he was around me and it helped me to know how he was. The date of the letters were always behind several weeks. He hadn't lost anymore of his friends and for that I was grateful. I prayed every night that he would be safe and that he wouldn't lose anyone again.

I was getting up to head to work and I was doing really well. It was about six months after he left me and I was living a normal, well, as normal as I could, life, when there was a knock on my door.

I went down the stairs and opened the door and there they were. Two Marines…they were standing on my porch in their dress blues, with glum faces and looking at me with those fake sorrow filled eyes. I just stood there staring at them. I couldn't move…. couldn't talk… couldn't do anything but stare. They started talking, but I had no clue what they were saying, nor did I want too.

I knew why they were here, I just wanted them to leave and let me be alone with my grief. Let me alone so I could cry and scream or throw something. It was their fault he was gone! They didn't protect him, they didn't take care of him like I would have, like I always had. At some point I totally lost eye contact with them and was staring at the floor when I finally heard what one of them was saying.

"Mrs. Newton, is there someone we can call for you?" I let a few tears flow down my face and quickly wiped them away with my hand. I shook my head no and shut the door on them.

I slid down the door and landed on my floor in a heap, curling into a ball and weeping. It couldn't be true, it just couldn't! He promised to come back to me. No, he can't be dead. He can't be gone. NO! It has to be a mistake. I just got a letter from him yesterday. He said he was fine…that everything was chilling out around him and that he might get to come home soon. That he loved me and couldn't wait to be home with me…

I lay there all night, not even sleeping. I stayed right there on the floor with the paper they gave me clutched in my hand, crumpling it up in a ball, wide awake all night. I was in a numbing daze and I was totally woken out of it by someone pounding on my door. It wasn't just a someone, it was two someone's.

Edward and Alice were yelling for me, trying to get me to come to the door. Alice must have pulled out the key that Mike had given her, because after a few minutes the door was trying to open. Pushing me out of the way, I got up and walked into the living room, while they opened the door all the way.

I walked over to the couch and melted into the cushions. I still had the papers clutched in my hands. I watched as Alice and Edward eyed me as they came over to where I was. When they made it to me, I tossed the paper towards their feet.

Edward bent down and picked it up and unwrinkled it. It only took him a second before he realized why I was acting the way I was. Within that second his face went from a worried look towards me, to a knowing look, then one of a grieving friend. I couldn't look into his face at all after that. It was one of sorrow and I didn't want to see his acceptance of the information. I wanted to fight the information, I wanted to forget it. NO! I wanted to scream…yell….kick and scream again. I wanted and needed to forget that those Marines were at my door giving me the information that they did. They didn't tell me that Mike was killed when a sniper hit his tank, that's what I wanted, I wanted him to…

We all sit there in silence for a long time, no one knowing what to say or do. Edward was the first one to speak.

"Bella, have you called Mike's parents or did the military go over there too?" he asked. I had no idea what the fucking military did. The only thing I knew they did was get my husband killed. I just shook my head at him. He came over and knelt down in front of me. "Bells, let me handle everything, okay? I'll do it for you and Mike." Again, all I could do was shake my head. He was a great friend for everything. I still felt like they were wrong. There was nothing to handle. Mike wasn't dead. I was trying my hardest to believe the lie, the one that said that he is alive, but realities a bitch and fighting against it is useless.

Alice came over to me and handed me something to take and a glass of water. I looked down at my hand and in it was my medication for depression. I knew it would put everything in a haze and I longed for that numb feeling, so I threw the pills in my mouth and chugged the water down.

The next few days went by in a dream like state for me. I didn't really see anything or feel anything. Edward was true to form when he promised to take care of everything. He took care of all the funeral prep, getting relatives here, everything. Alice took care of dressing me and making sure I at least got out of bed.

I was a mess the morning of Mike's funeral. I had already seen his body and knew he was indeed dead. I still tried to rationalize that it wasn't him, though. I sat on my bed in a navy blue Marc Jacob's dress. Mike would have loved it according to Alice. He always loved blue on me. She fixed my make up and my hair, helped me into my shoes, and handed me my pills. Before I took them I looked at my best friend and let a tear drop slowly down my cheek.

"Alice, I don't want to say good bye to him. I can't watch them put him in the ground. He's…he's really gone isn't he?" She shook her head at me as more tears made their trail down my freshly powdered face.

I took the pills out of her hand and thanked her, welcoming the numbness again. I didn't want to feel anymore pain today. I didn't want to feel anything today.

Edward knocked on my door two seconds later, Alice told him to come in. He was dressed in a black suite, fitted perfect to his body, but I barely even saw his face. I only knew what he was wearing because I heard Alice say something about it. He came over to me, hugged me, and leaned down and kissed my head.

"Are you ready to go?" I just nodded no to him. I wasn't really ready to do this. I went to sit back down on my bed, but he stopped me by whispering something in my ear. "You just lean on me the whole time, Bella. I got you. I'll get you through all of this."

I looked up into his green eyes and shook my head yes and leaned into my best friend. He helped me out of my room, down the stairs and outside to the waiting limousine. We made it to the funeral home and I did what was supposed to be done by the wife of the deceased. I was the military wife; strong and brave, but crying out inside 'why the fuck did I let him join?' The funeral itself was beautiful, what I actually heard of it, that is. I sat next to Edward the whole time and he never left my side. There were tons of Marines there and I knew a few, but not all of them. I resented them, really. They were here breathing…alive…Mike wasn't.

When the actually funeral was over and it was time to go to the grave yard, I was plastered in place. I didn't want to get out of the limo. Edward gave me the knowing look and whispered in my ear, 'I'm right here, lean on me, Bella. I got you, remember?' I looked at him again and did as he asked. He helped me out of the car and down to where the casket was already in the spot and ready. I sat down in a white chair staring at the casket that had his body, the body of my husband, and I couldn't take my eyes away from the stars and strips of the American Flag that was draped over it. He died for his country, for every person standing here mourning me. He died for me…

The numbness was wearing off and tears started to seep out of my eyes cascading down my face and onto my lap. I leaned over onto Edward's shoulder and felt like I could barely breathe. The guns of the gun solute went off and with each one I jumped, my breath hitching each time. Edward held onto me as I cried into him as they folded the flag that had been on his casket, and handed it to me saying some bullshit that I paid no attention too. Then they lowered my husband into the ground. I stood there in Edward's arms, watching as my life was lowered, little by little, inch by inch into the ground taking my life with it.

As it lowered, I was watching flashes of our past flash in front of me. The day Mike and I met after I moved here, the day he asked me out on our first date, the day he asked me to marry him, our wedding…I didn't know how to live without him. I took a step forward and made it to the hole as he hit the bottom. I looked down into the earth, where he was laid to rest, and thoughts of jumping in there with him filled my mind. Edward came up beside me and dragged those thoughts out of my mind. He placed his arms around me and hugged me close to him.

"Don't even think about it, Bella. You're not leaving me, too," he said. It was like he could read my thoughts. He smiled. "Your thoughts have always been right there in your eyes, everything you're thinking is clear to me. I know you think you can't go on without him, I understand. He was my best friend, but he would go crazy if he knew what you were thinking right now. He would want you to go on with your life and live it to the fullest. You know that."

As I stood there thinking about what he was saying I knew he was right. Mike would want me to go live my life and be happy somehow. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do that at the moment.

"We are both here for you, Alice and I, Alice is actually going to stay with you tonight. Is that okay?" he asked, I shook my head at him. He smiled that dazzling smile and he helped me head back towards the car. I stopped half way and ran back to the place where Mike was and whispering my love to him.

"I love you, I will always love you. I'll try to do what you would have wanted. I promise. I'll try but it's going to be so hard without you. I'll love you till the day I die."

I turned away from my love and headed towards my friend with tears running down my face. As I met him, he bent down a little and kissed my head wrapping his arm around me and bringing me into his side. We headed back to my house. Everyone was there eating and talking about the funeral.

I went in and talked to a few more people but really wanting all of them to leave so I could go to bed. Once again, I acted like the strong wife. Mike's mom was watching me like a hawk for some reason. His mother always got on my nerves. His dad, on the other hand, I loved. He came over and hugged me and told me whatever I needed to come to him and it would be taken care of. I nodded my head at him and headed back towards Edward.

I didn't like being away from him. It felt too open, like everyone could see right through me when he wasn't near. My dad, Charlie, stopped me. I hugged him fiercely for a minute, then pulling back from him and lied by telling him I was okay. I looked around and couldn't find Edward at all. My eyes were scanning everywhere. When I couldn't find him, I felt a panic hit me and I made a run for it to my room. When I made it there, I flung myself on the bed and cried and couldn't stop. I felt so abandoned.

I heard someone downstairs, I think it was Alice, tell everyone it was time for them to leave. I heard all the cars leaving my drive way and I let out a sigh of relief. I let myself relax and breathe.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was morning. The sun was coming through my window, waking me up. Rubbing my eyes, I looked down and I was still in the dress from the funeral. I groaned and got up out of my bed and headed into my bathroom.

Stripping the dress off and getting into the shower, I let the hot water wash away all the soreness and hurt in my body from the most stressful day I had ever had in my life. I got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me, and headed into my closet. I put on one of Mike's Marine hoodies and a pair of jeans. I deeply inhaled and I could smell him still around me. In my room, there was traces of him every where.

I looked around for a minute and couldn't stay in my room anymore. I flung my door open and headed downstairs and saw Alice coming out of my guest room. She smiled timidly at me and I hugged her and told her I was okay for now. We both headed down the stairs. When we reached the bottom stair, Edward was at the door. With a mild smiled for me he came in. He had my mail and acted like he didn't want to give it to me. I reached for it and he pulled back.

"Edward, give me my mail." I said.

He handed it to me and as I looked down at the top of all the bills, I saw a letter from Mike. It was post marked four weeks ago. I stood there staring at it and eyes that I figured were all cried out let tears drop out. I couldn't take my tear filled eyes away from his name. I slowly dropped all the other envelopes and opened Mikes letter.

Bella,

Hey, I was sitting here thinking about home and you when I remembered that your birthday is coming up so I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you that your present will arrive on your day. I love you, my Bella, never forget that, okay?! I love you more than I can explain in words, no words in the English …strike that, in any language! There isn't any words that can explain what you mean to me. You're my whole world. I want you to go out on your birthday and celebrate. It is a day to celebrate! Your birth is a miracle because that day gave me you. Don't be sad on that day, promise me you won't be sad.

I love you. Happy birthday, my love.

Mike

As I looked down at the words of his letter to me, I realized what day it was. The door bell rang next and Edward went to get it and talked to someone, I had no clue who it was because I was still staring at the words he had written on this piece of paper. Today was my birthday. He didn't want me to be sad. Tough chance at that happening, but it was his wish to me. He said a gift was coming. I looked up at Edward and he was holding a box out to me. I grabbed the box and headed back towards my couch and sat down. I laid the letter down next to me and didn't really want to take my eyes off of it. I did for a second to open the box.

When I did, I gasped. It was a smaller box inside a blue box, a box that most girls know. It was a box from Tiffany's. It wasn't square, it was rectangular. I looked over at Alice and Edward's shocked faces and then back at the box and slowly opened it. It was a necklace with a diamond encrusted key pendant. It had a note in the box as well. It said: 'Because you hold the key to my heart.' I gently let my fingers graze the diamond key and couldn't hold my emotions in check at all. Alice, who was sitting next to me, put her arm around me, letting me cry into her shoulder.

Edward came over and looked down in the box and picked something up I didn't see. It was a back tape recorder with a sticky note tapped to it. The words 'Play Me' were written on the piece of paper. Edward hit the play button and Mike's voice filled my house.

'Happy birthday, my sweetheart. I love you and miss you like crazy. Wish I could be there to see your face as you open your present. Edward, you better tell me how she looked. Alice, I know you will tell me. I love you, Bella. Remember I want you to go out tonight and celebrate your birth. You are worth celebrating. Even with me not there with you, I'm celebrating wherever I am right at this moment. Alice, you gussie her up and Edward, you make the plans. I think maybe take her to Angelino's for dinner, she loves that place.

I love you, Bella, and will for the rest of my days. No, I take that back. I will love you for eternity because even after I'm dead and gone, I will still love you. I love you, I love you, I love you…sorry I can't say that enough to you. I have to go, love.'

I sat there waiting for someone to speak because I had no idea what to say or do at that moment. I really wanted to hear his voice again, though. I looked down at the necklace and took it out of the box, I looked over at Edward and he took it from my hands and clasped it around my neck as I held my hair up for him. When he was done, he let his hands rest on my shoulders for a second and said something that I didn't even think about really.

"Well, I guess I have plans to make."

"What? What are you talking about?" I asked him.

"You heard him. He told me to make plans for us tonight. He wants you to go out and celebrate your birthday and that's what you are going to do." He gave me this knowing look, like he knew I was going to protest, which I most certainly was. I was in no way going to celebrate the day after my husband's funeral. I didn't care if it was my birthday or not. "Bella, you don't want to not do as he wished, do you? He wanted you to do this." He was right and I knew it. So, I shook my head and Alice came up behind me and grabbed my hand.

"It will be fine, Bella, you'll see. Let's go upstairs and figure out what you are going to wear." I reached up and touched my beautiful necklace, took a deep breath, and followed her up the stairs.

She pulled out a blue spaghetti strap shirt with black lace over the top with a simple pair of slim jeans. I put it on and let her work her magic. In the end, I looked beautiful. Alice went and got dressed and we both headed down the stairs and out for my birthday.

I actually laughed that night. It felt weird to do it, but good at the same time. I laughed at something Edward had said. It was something totally stupid, but I still laughed and I couldn't stop. It made him smile, too.

The next several months went by and I got three more letters from Mike. Those letters were keeping me going. I got up every day, went to work, did my thing, and got on with my life. I knew he was gone and I could actually live without him. I was still leaning on Edward a lot. When something would come up and it would remind me of Mike, I would call Edward, and he would come over and sit with me and talk. I knew so much about them now, things that I had never known. He would tell me stories about him and Mike and the stupid things they used to do together.

About two more weeks went by and I didn't receive another letter, so I figured there wouldn't be anymore, but I was wrong. I was coming home from work one night and I grabbed my mail. There on top was a letter from him. I hurried up and called Edward, since that was the habit now. When one came to me, I would call him right away and he would come to my house and we would open it together. For some reason, it was easier to open it with him around. It was almost like Edward's presence calmed me.

When he got to the house, I was sitting on my couch and he let himself in like always. He came over and sat down next to me and took my hand and squeezed it.

"Okay, Bella, you know this could be the last one. The pervious one you got was from the day before he died." I looked into his eyes and nodded my head, instant dread filling my body. This would be the last one, I could feel it. I slowly opened it and unfolded the creases of the thick paper. This one was several pages long. As I read the letter, the words that I knew were coming struck me harder then I thought they would. He knew he wasn't coming back to me. I read the letter out loud this time, something I normally wouldn't do.

My dearest Bella,

I hate to write this letter, I'm actually very scared to write this letter. I am going out on patrol today and I have this terrible feeling of dread and defeat. I know deep down that I must break a promise I made to you and for that I am truly sorry. I'm not going to be able to come home to you. I must say goodbye to you Bella. I love you, Bella, and have for longer than you even know.

That first day in ninth grade, the day that you moved back here to live with your dad, well, that was the day I feel in love with you. You looked so strong, but I could see it in your eyes that you were scared to death. You came into the class I was in and went right up to the teacher handing him the slip to sign. He told you to take a seat and fate would have it that you took the seat right behind me.

I could smell your strawberry shampoo from my seat and I never wanted to forget that smell. I remember you tripped over the leg of my chair and almost fell and you would have if I hadn't caught you. You looked up at me with those beautiful eyes of yours and I was hooked. I never wanted to let you go again. I needed you in my life and I was going to fight for you if I had too. I wanted you all to myself. As I recall, Edward picked up your books and introduced himself to you first. I was furious with him! Put it this way, we got in a huge fight that day after school.

I looked up at Edward and he smiled and nodded his head.

"He yelled at me and said you were going to be his, no matter what he had to do. I told him time and time again that I wouldn't do anything to mess it up but he didn't believe me. He knew I liked you, too."

I was totally shocked at that statement. I never knew Edward liked me. I had feelings for him back then too, but he all of the sudden had a girlfriend. I ended up with Mike, but for the longest time, I waited for a chance with Edward and that chance never came, though. I feel deeply in love with Mike and never thought of Edward like that again.

I looked back at the papers and continued to read.

After everything, Bella, I got you; The love of my life. You are my wife and I never had to fight for you again. I loved our wedding day. It was the happiest day of my life. I watched as you walked down the isle in that beautiful white dress. Your eyes were only on me, because you were obviously trying not to look at the others so you wouldn't get nervous. I will hold the words you said to me in my heart forever. Never forget the ones I said to you. I cherish you, my Bells, just like I told you that day.

Now I'm losing you and you're losing me. I don't know how you are going to handle this and it scares the shit out of me. It makes me think back to the time when we thought I had cancer and you thought I was going to die. It wasn't cancer, of course. Still, you freaked out and cried all the time and I hate to see you cry. I hate to think of you sad and not able to function. I love you, Bella, and I don't want you to be like that.

I want you to go on with your life, Bella. I want you to live. I want you to go for your dreams. I want you to be you and never forget who you are. You are my Bella: strong, loving, kind, compassionate, deep, smart, tender, and of course clumsy. Sorry, I had to add that part. You know I love that about you. It makes you who you are. Never forget that. You are my everything, but I want you to do me a favor. When the time comes…I want you to let someone love you. I want you to open your heart to someone else. I want you to grow old with someone you love and have kids with someone who loves you, too.

Promise me, Bella. Promise me to do what I ask of you. I know it will be hard and you will be your stubborn self, but do this for me. Live Bella, Live for me. I love you, my sweet Bella, my wife. It was an honor to love you and an honor to be your husband.

Stay strong, my love.

Love,

Mike

I looked from the words on the paper, back up to Edward, and couldn't hold in the sobs that wracked my chest. I used my best friend to lean on again as the shuddering sobs broke over and over.

"I can't….do what…he wants me to…do Edward…I can't love….again. I just…can't. I'll never love another." I stuttered out between sobs.

"I know, Bella, I know." he said to me rocking me back and forth.

I stayed in Edwards arms for a long time. I was barely aware of anything, just sitting there, when his phone rang.

It was an important call he had to take. He apologized for a minute even though I told him he didn't need too and he went into the other room to talk. I sat there and then went across the living room and into a room that I hadn't been into since he left.

I opened the door to Mike's office and stood there for a few minutes, staring at his big black leather chair that was safely secured behind his desk. I went over to the desk running my fingers over the top of the chair. On his desk set pictures of us together, us on our wedding day, us the day we graduated, even our senior prom picture was in here. I remember every one of those days in perfect clarity, I could see how much he truly loved me in those pictures and I realized how lucky I was to have someone like him.

I would do what he asked of me. I could do it. I would survive my life without him and try to move on. I would be strong and if love came around again for me, if it was meant to be for me, then I would try to open up and let it in. It was the most I could give him now. I made my mind up that day in his office and I never looked back.

It took me several years, six to be exact, to get on and live my life to the fullest, but I did it, and do it every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but I lived and went for my dreams. I now own twenty-five book stores all over the United States of America. I give to all the charities I want too and well, I'm happy with the way my life has turned out.

For the whole letting love in thing, well, I did that too. Love came to me and I let this love walk in and take over, just like Mike asked me too do. Today is our wedding day and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. Edward and I have been together for the past four years. It was weird at first for both of us. We both tried to fight it with all we had. I didn't want to forget Mike and I felt so guilty for loving him the way I did. I fell hard and according to Edward, he did too.

He was amazing and always there for me. Our love is so much different then my love was with Mike. It's stronger in a way; it's like we are bonded through our losing Mike. There is almost this electricity between the two of us. I can always feel it when we are together, and when we make love…oh… my…god…is it ever making love.

I never reached the heights I did with Mike that I do now with Edward I still love Mike and I always will, but I have a greater love now. He is my soul mate, I know that now. I think Mike might have known that too and I got proof of the last night.

Last night Edward said he had something he wanted to show me. Something he wanted to show me before we got married. So, he came over before the girls arrived for my bachlortette party, in his hand was an envelope, one that I recognized right way as the kind that Mike used when he wrote me letters.

He handed me the letter and I looked from it to him and tears started to flow right way. Edward pulled me into him and held me for a few, then kissed my head like he always did.

"Open it Bella. I think you need to read this."

I nodded my head and looked back down at the letter opening it up slowly. I took the paper in my hands and unfolded it. I took a deep breath and took a seat on my couch.

Edward,

Listen man, if Bella knew I was writing this to you, she would rip my head off. But I want to make sure she is taken care of. I don't think I'm going to be making it back to her and that scares the shit out of me, man. I need to know that she will be okay. I need to know that you will take care of her. I want you to love her, I know you still love her, I know deep down, you always have. She's going to be broken, Edward. I don't want to think of her like this, but she will be. I want her to pick herself up and live, only you will be there to make her do this for herself.

I'm writing her a letter telling her what I want, leaving you out of it of course, but I'm going to tell her if love comes her way to open up and let it in. The thing is I want to know that you are that love. I want her to be with you, to love you and grow old with her. Give her everything she wants and needs, give her the kids she wants. You must do me one favor, make sure she don't forget me. I love her, Edward. You know how much I love her. Please do this much for me. As a friend take care of my wife.

Mike…

As I read Mike's last wishes, what he asked Edward to do, I only had one thought cross my mind and I knew it was stupid to think it, but I had to ask. Before I could even open my mouth, though, he was already answering it for me.

"No, Bella. I don't love you because he told me too, I love you just because, well, because I do. It just happened and I'm thankful that it did, I'm the luckiest man on the planet to have you in my life and love me. Before we say I do tomorrow, I thought you needed to know that this is what he wanted. He would be happy, Bella. He is okay with this. I could see it in your eyes that you've been worried about what he would think about it. That's why I showed you this."

With all my doubt washed away by Mike, I married Edward the next day. Even with Mike being gone, he saved me by loving me. He helped me pick up the broken pieces of my life and he put them back together again.