Disclaimer: I do not own the Simpsons however i do own some of their DVDs.

Owner of a Lonely Bart

The Scene Opens with the school bus driving down the road and stopping in front of the Simpson's house to pick up Bart and Lisa.

Bart: Man, I can't believe were having school even with all of this fog.

Lisa: Relax Bart, since when has fog hurt us.

Bart: Hey Otto can you crash the bus on purpose or something so we don't have to go to school.

Otto: Sorry Bart but if I do that they may take my license away again.

Bart and Lisa sit by Milhouse and Janey respectively.

Bart: Hey Milhouse I have a prank of all pranks to end all pranks planned for today.

Milhouse: Well are you going to tell me about it or what?

Bart: No I figure I'll build up the suspense to eat you up inside. I'll tell you it will happen at 11am.

In Mrs.Krabappel's class

Mrs.K: Ok students we have a new student today. His name is Jay.

Jay: That's short for Jayson.

Mrs.K: Yes fascinating. Hopefully you treat him with more respect than you did than our last new student.

Nelson: Did they ever find the body?

Mrs.K: Yes Nelson because you beat him up so much he couldn't move at all. That's why you're under a criminal watch list.

Policeman: No talking to ladies.

Nelson: Well who can I talk to?

Policeman: I said no talking to ladies.

Nelson: But you're a guy.

Policeman: Don't make me show you.

At 11am Bart tells Mrs.K he has to go to the bathroom

Bart is walking down the hallway

Bart: They'll never see it coming.

Suddenly the school sprinklers go off and all the kids and teachers run out screaming because their all wet. Bart looks surprised. They all run out the doors.

Fire trucks arrive.

Moe: There's not even a fire here.

Apu: Perhaps we should start one to put it out.

Skinner: No there is no fire someone set the sprinklers to go off. Now this is a democracy and so everyone is innocent until proven guilty. (Gets to Bart) Except if you're Bart Simpson. (He grabs Bart and takes him to the principal's office)

Skinner: I don't know how you did it Simpson but you are going to serve detention until my pants go up to my neck.

Bart: But I didn't do it.

Skinner: Ha you think I fall for the oldest trick in the excuse book. See you after school and make sure your dog doesn't bite your hand this time.

(Bart looks extremely angry as he walks back to class)

Mrs.K: Well it looks like the homework is ruined.

(All the kids scream in happiness)

Milhouse: Thanks Bart now we can get some fresh air and enjoy Mother Nature after school.

Bart: I didn't do it. Milhouse I was framed.

Milhouse: If you didn't do it then who did.

(Jayson looks at them with a smirk and a vision of devil horns go above his head)

(At lunch Jayson and a bunch of kids sit next to Milhouse and Bart)

Bart: How did you get so many friends on your first day?

Jayson: Well I told them that I was the one who set the school sprinklers off and now they follow me around like teenage girls at a John Mayer concert.

Bart: That was you?

Jayson: Thanks for taking the fall for me.

Bart: Why you little.

(They start strangling each other and soon teachers break it up)

(They are both serving detention and writing on the chalkboard). Bart thinks about padding his chalk eraser together in Jayson's face but Jayson beats him to it. He laughs. Bart then scratches his fingernail on the chalkboard causing Skinner to come in.

Skinner: Hey the chalkboard is for writing on and then erasing and maybe an occasional love letter but not for scratching.

Bart: Its Jayson's fault he started it.

Jayson: No Bart started it.

Skinner: I don't care who started it just finish it. (Reads what they have been writing) Skinner is an hmm can't wait to see how that finishes.

Bart comes home late after dinner and Marge yells at him for being late.

Marge: Young Man I heard what you did and you will not get any Supper tonight.

Bart: But it was Jayson who did it.

Marge: Whose that an accomplice?

Bart: No the culprit.

Homer: Boy go up to your room and think about what you did.

(Bart murmurs on his way up to his room)

At Church the billboard says the best way to spend your Sundays when football is not on. Rev. Lovejoy is saying his usually boring sermon when suddenly a part of the church wall collapses.

Rev. Lovejoy: What the Heaven?

Inspectors are going through the church and find faulty wiring and broken Pipes. In the Basement they find Skeletons lying around.

Inspector: When's the last time this church has had a thorough inspection.

Lovejoy: I don't know I've only worked here since 1981. Why don't you ask the previous Reverend? (He points to a skeleton with a bible in his hands)

Inspector: I'm afraid that if you don't find some money and renovated this church then it will be torn down and made into a Strip Joint.

Flanders: How much will this cost?

Inspector: With all the death and destruction I'd say somewhere around 30,000 dollars.

Lovejoy: Oh Lord.

Inspector: I don't think he will help you right now.

Back at School Mrs.K puts Bart and Jayson on complete different sides of the room. They start yelling insults across the room from each other. Mrs.K can't take it and duct apes both of their mouths shut. Jayson has apparently tied a string around Bart's chair and then to his desk that connected all the way to where Jayson was sitting. When Bart opened his desk to get some books out Jayson pulled his string and crushed Bart's fingers and a muffled scream came out.

At Lunch

Bart: Milhouse where are you going?

Milhouse: I'm going to sit by Jayson he's so cool did you know he once peed on a teacher's desk.

Bart: What if I did that?

Milhouse: I would cite you for lack of creativity.

Bart: Now he's stolen my friends well this means War. (The bell rings) And that means time to go back to class.

Willie: (Alarm goes off) and that means time for Willie to spank me mule.

Homer is at home opening letters reading them as "bill, bill, bill, threatening letter, were coming to get you I bet you are (reads it) IRS. Hello what's this?

Homer: Marge now try to not to get too excited because it involves me and money but we just won 5000 dollars in a contest.

Marge: What kind of contest?

Homer: Bikini waxing why?

Marge: Did you participate?

Homer: No Moe did it for me he seemed so adamant to do it.

Marge: We should use it wisely.

Ned Flanders tells Lovejoy they need to run a fundraiser to raise the 30,000 for church repairs. At the Sunday service there are security guards standing in the aisles watching the offering going around. Anytime someone only puts in a few dollars the Security Guards point their guns at them and they put 100 dollar bills in.

Lovejoy: Now go with peace and remember to drop more money in the Holy Basket.

Flanders: It looks like we have 2500 dollars in here.

Marge: Rev. Lovejoy how much money needs to be raised to repair the church?

Lovejoy: 30,000 dollars.

Marge: Because Homer just won 5000 dollars and maybe I could get him to donate it.

Lovejoy: Just tell him it's for a holy cause and he should donate.

Later

Homer: Hell no.

Marge: Come on it's for the church and I don't want to change to one of those religions where you eat human hearts.

Homer: There's one of those in Springfield.

Lisa: Dad I don't go to your church anymore but you should donate. Once at our Buddhist temple our meditations were disturbed by Drunks outside the palace and we raised money to get soundproof windows. Now you can't even hear the vomit.

Homer: I'm sorry but all my life I've wanted some money and now my dream has come true and I don't want it to turn into a nightmare.

Jayson walks into school but when he gets to his locker a firecracker goes off. Bart Laughs and Jayson looks back at him with extreme vigilance. Bart tells Milhouse how cool does he think he is now at Lunch. Milhouse pulls off a mask to reveal Jayson and he tells Bart to watch for the unexpected. Bart looks at Skinner's whose Pants suddenly fall down. Bart looks relieved. Jayson tells him not that but something that will happen to him.

End of Act 1