Knowing that I had let myself down by almost drinking Bella dry was a major disappointment. Edward would be pissed. Knowing that I had disgraced a family that had taken me in and tried their hardest to change my ways when it didn't really work, made me feel awful.
Wounded lives. That's what I've done. A shameful sense of uneasy hearts that don't even beat surrounds me. Madness, pain, shame. To many ways to explain it, but which one is right?
Knowing that I had tipped them off by harming a human girl, not keeping myself controlled, was some how unbearable. They would all be pissed. Even Esme might be a little off set. Feeling that the absence of my brother was mostly my fault is not fair. He warned me to stay away, and what do I do? I lunge into action!
I worked hard to lose my old ways, but old habits die hard. They had trusted me to be safe. Well, I guess we are never really entirely safe to be around, but still. I had trusted myself enough, hadn't I? Wait, stop. I am starting to sound to much like Edward.
I am not Edward. I am not a little angel. I cannot stand human blood. I have many faults. I am not as perfect as him. Carlisle would never look at me as he looks at Edward. We all know that Edward is his favorite. I hate picking favorites.
Edward, it seemed, always got what he wanted. Edward was the good one.
That made me laugh. Edward, good, when he was so worried about being a damned creature! At least I wasn't so worried if I'd make it to heaven or not. Edward is a goodygoody.
No, he's not, he just is who he is.
How could he stand it though? Being so close to a human... No matter how long they had been together, it always amazed me how he did it. But them I had ruined it. I had almost killed the one he loved.
A vicious part inside of me wanted to rip Bella apart. It wasn't because I didn't like her, I just couldn't figure out why on earth she made him so happy.
This was something that could be fixed, couldn't it? It wouldn't really be the end of the world for us? I need to go ask Alice. In fact, I need to be with Alice. Strange how I have a sudden wave of neediness when I want to be left alone...
I blew it. Edwards seems to have taken it very seriously. He wants us all to leave. Like that will save Bella from harming herself. Even I think it's a crazy idea. Rosalie, of course, doesn't care. Here is a brief chat I had with her.
"Don't worry, Jasper. It was bound to happen sooner or later." Rosalie said in an extremely unsympathetic sort of way.
I didn't respond.
"Come on, Jasper. You didn't like her any more than I did." She snorted. She clearly didn't understand me at all. I didn't hate Bella, I just didn't understand how on earth she could be happy. To me she was still food.
When she noticed that I would still not respond, she walked away.
I guess my days will be better spent in Alaska. I just feel sorry that I was the one who made Edward go this far. But did we all have to leave? Yes, of course we did, because Edward gets what Edward wants.
I don't really think this is worth such drastic measures, but maybe my life really will be better far away. Maybe I just need to be in an place with almost no humans. Yes, that's what I need. No humans, and Alice. That's really what I need. The rest of the family would be great, but I have this strange feeling that Edward won't stay.
All I can think of now is Alice. Just Alice right now. I need her. Alice.
At least Bella forgave me. How can she do that?
Never mind that. All I want right now is Alice. I don't want to feel Edward's pain, or Rosalie's disgusting joy. I just want Alice.