Harry Potter laid pathetically on the cold hard floorboards of the Dursley's living room, too weak to rise.

'Keep polishing the floorboards boy! The Quicksnacks will be arriving any second!' Uncle Vernon growled scoffing down a cream biscuit. 'Mr. Quicksnack has offered an important business arrangement for Grunnings' new confectionary products but will only seal the deal if his germophobic wife sees our house is spotless.'

Harry rolled slowly onto his front like a beached whale and flopped feebly towards the polishing rag. He wondered why Uncle Vernon felt the need to share this with him, perhaps ordering Harry around whilst simultaneously downing a whole pack of biscuits was somehow therapeutic before a big business deal.

'And when you're finished you can take you and your baggy trousers upstairs and lock yourself in for the rest of the week.' He finished licking his sausage sized fingers that gave sausages a run for their own sausageness.

'What!' Harry exclaimed confused, 'but the door requires a retina scan of your eyeball to open and close!'

Uncle Vernon's beady eyes stared the scrawny wizard down, 'Are you arguing with me boy?' He raised a meaty fist (probably sausage).

'No Uncle Vernon' Harry said dejectedly hitching his trousers up to his armpits so waddle slowly over to the stairs.

Ding Dong!

'Come on Dudders that must be them!' Aunt Petunia's annoying voice rang down the hall as she tried to drag her bulky son Dudley out of the fridge. 'Answer the door sweetie, Oh no! You're covered in crumbs!' Harry heard fat wobbling as she tickled Dudley under his many chins.

'Quick boy out of here!' Vernon gasped in a panic hefting Harry by the waist and shoving him feet first up the chimney. Harry squawked in surprise and struggled to stop Dudley's humungous pants from falling over his eyes.

'Hey that's not fair!' He choked, mouth full of soot. Suddenly, Aunt Petunia's grating voice and the sound of mammoth foot falls made Vernon Dursley freeze.

'Welcome to our loving and hygienic family home Mr. and Mrs. Quicksnack.'

Ceasing the opportunity, Harry slithered from his pants like a snake sheds skin and slipped between his Uncle's beefy arms. He stumbled out of the fireplace and made for the stairs leaving a trail of soot just as Dudley -cajoled by his mother- offered each of the guests an antibacterial wipe.

'BOY!' Thinking, a first for Vernon Dursley, he dragged the plush sofa diagonally across the trail of ash in front of the fireplace knocking over two coffee tables and a pot plant. He hurriedly tried to scoop up the soil but abandoned that as the Quicksnacks footsteps neared the living room. In a final attempt, he draped a cream Persian rug over the whole mess and taking the place on the lopsided sofa hoped for the best. Trying to appear casual, Vernon chirped a cheery greeting as Dudley led the Quicksnacks into room their eyebrows raised at the sight.

….

Harry- liberated from the confines of his ballooning trousers- bounded up the staircase with the grace of a gazelle. Reaching the top, he cast his eyes mournfully to the complex locks decorating his bedroom door. He tentatively reached for the handle but shot back, crashing loudly against the wall, as an electric shock zapped through his arm.

'Hagrid's hairy armpits!' He exclaimed trying (unsuccessfully) to compress his now extremely frizzy hair.

Huffing in frustration, he weighed up his options on how to spend the evening- he was in for a boring night. He could go play on Dudley's computer, Harry the Hamster was his favorite game, except the volume control was permanently on loud after Dudley whacked it with a spade. Or, he thought, he could draw abusive pictures of his supposed best friends; Ron, Hermione and Fang hadn't sent a single letter over the whole summer.

Harry's ears pricked as a peculiar chuckling sound caught his attention, it seemed to be coming from the Dursley's upstairs bathroom. He eyed the door suspiciously. Was this one of Dudley's booby traps? Concluding that he had nothing better to do, Harry slinked forward to investigate. He pressed his ear to the door, the sound of cheerful off key whistling filled his ears. What in merlin's…? Gathering his Gryffindor courage, he grabbed the recently disinfected handle and swung it open, hopping he wouldn't be scared by whatever was going down inside.

'AAAAAHHHHHH!' Harry was immediately stuck by the piercing shriek. A squat creature with enormous eyes and bat-like ears sat on the Durley's expensive porcelain toilet seat. It had obviously been engrossed in one of Aunt Petunia's trashy magazines, as a pile of clippings and cutouts littered the otherwise spotless floor around him. 'DOBBY TIME! DOOBY TIME!'

Harry jerked back, still trying to process the scene in front of him. The thing- squealed and fell right into the toilet bowl in his haste to zip up his pillowcase trousers (that's what they looked like anyway). Concluding it was some kind of mutated-and-never-before-seen household pest, Harry hastily pulled the leaver to try and flush it down, but this was a mistake. Whatever was in there seemed to be blocking the flow…

FLUSH… FLUSH… 'Arrgghhhhhhh!' Strange sounds were coming from the upstairs toilet as the Dursleys and the Quicksnacks sat in the haphazardly arranged room. Vernon cast a terrified glance at Petunia as Mrs. Quicksnack stared curiously at the ceiling.

'Ahh, nothing to worry about,' Petunia chirped, improvising, but failing due to her severe lack of imagination.

'No, no nothing at all…that's just our... extremely hygienic new dual flush toilet system—complete system degermify every twenty minutes…' Vernon jumped in hastily, feeling very pleased for his speedy recovery. Mrs. Quicksnack, looking satisfied, took out a pale blue clipboard and gave a box labeled 'lavatory status' obvious tick…

The water swirled in the bowl, a bony hand reached out from the depths of the disappearing sewage and flipped Harry the bird. It then clicked its fingers, and with a snap, the water gurgled to a stop. Another click and the toilet exploded. The beast rocketed out of the bowl and flipped in midair, as if this were common practice. He landed on the mat and used his tiny hands to push the shell-shocked Harry from the room, slamming the door shut, inches from his nose. Harry blinked stupidly.

There were several seconds of silence before the bathroom door creaked open.

'Harry Potter! Dobby the House Elf is most honoured to meet you sir!' Harry stared back, unresponsive in his shock. The creature, or 'Dobby' bowed so deeply that his abnormally long nose bashed against the floor. A torrent of blood erupted from his nostrils. Horrified, the elf gasped at the mess, his eyes growing impossibly wide. Harry had only enough time to gulp before the house elf launched at him, wailing apologies and spraying blood and bogies everywhere.

'AAHHH! Get off!' Harry cried, trying to bat the elf away as Dobby flung his wiry arms around the neck of the Boy Who Lived, stopping his air supply. Great globs of ruby red splattered across the pristine white walls and- to Harry's horror, himself. Overbalanced as his trainers suddenly slipped in a bloody puddle, Harry crashed backwards into the bath.

'Dobby is sorry!' the elf wailed in an extremely high pitched voice from atop Harry's chest, the flow from his nose coming to a stop.

'Owww! Look what you did!' Harry screamed, spotting his blackeye in the mirror. Dobby did not seem to notice Harry's anger as he brushed himself off, unconcerned. His large bauble eyes latched onto Harry's as he began to speak:

'I am Dobby, sir. Dobby the House Elf.' He gave Harry another vigorous bow, almost stabbing him in the eye with his nose. 'I come to warn Harry Potter! Harry Potter must not come back to Hogwarts School.'

Harry blinked in surprise, 'What! Why?'

'Big evil follows every step!'

'That doesn't even make sense,' Harry protested as he scrambled to his feet, knocking Dobby onto the floor.

'Harry Potter must promise-' Dobby was interrupted by the sound of Uncle Vernon's animal like grunts as he made his way up the stairs. Dobby dashed from the room, screeching a final warning about history repeating itself. At the same time, every tap in the room seemed to burst, projecting jets of water everywhere, blasting Harry back into the tub, where he was soaked by more water projecting from the shower head. He groped for something to anchor himself to, finding a useless scrubbing brush, full of tooth paste, from the time Dudley had tried to clean all his teeth in one go.

At that moment, the door burst open and the beefy and deep rhubarb colored face of Uncle Vernon peered menacingly through the crack. This expression was quickly replaced with shock at the chaos displayed before him, and then outrage as he spotted Harry, pinned down by the flow of water in the tub, pathetically clutching a scrubbing brush and undoubtedly (from uncle Vernon's point of view) looking smug, like it was his ultimate goal to mess up his uncle's business.

'BOYYYY!' Uncle Vernon yelled as a pipe in the wall cracked under the pressure and exploded in his face, adding- very unfortunately- sewage to the drenched mess. Just then a the tart faces of Mr. and Mrs. Quicksnack poked around the door, undoubtedly hoping to see this wondrously advanced toilet system. Mrs. Quicksnack screamed as loud as the crazy creature had just before and bolted for the door. Mr. Quicksnack looked as if he was about to give uncle Vernon a piece of his mind, but seeing his livid face, merely muttered something about a 'change in confectionary preferences' and made a dash after his hysterical wife. Barely a minute later the sound of their car squealing down the road was heard, followed by the angry shouts of various Private drive neighbor's as their car left the god-forbidden 'skid-marks of shame' on the smooth and beloved tarmac of privet drive (this was indeed a severe crime, as many of the privet drive residents took great care to vacuum their section of the road each morning).

Uncle Vernon turned to Harry, face contorted in rage and looking as if he was ready to strangle his nephew alive, when all of a sudden, a handsome tawny owl flew through the now smashed bathroom window, bearing a purple letter with the official ministry seal on it. The owl, apparently from shock, seemed to temporarily faint at the sight of the mess and imperiously dropped the letter in the sink, before sweeping back out the window. Harry hurriedly got out of the bath once more and turned off all the taps (the pipe in the wall had finally stopped spraying sewage). He made to reach for the letter in the sink, but to his surprise found Uncle Vernon- sworn hater of all things wizard- clutching the very offensive letter in his sausage-like hands, A sneer on his face.

'Read it.' He snarled, 'then go to your room and don't ever come out.' Harry started to explain about the retina scanner again, but his uncle booted him out of the room and flung the soaking letter after him. He stood in the hallway and, glad to have some mail for once, read the letter…

Dear Mr. H Potter,

It has come to our attention that a lavatory unblocking charm was used at your residence at eighteen minutes past seven this evening. We wish to inform you that, no matter how big the blockage, use of this charm is a serious breach of the reasonable restriction for the use of under aged sorcery and has therefore earned you an official warning. Any more magic use whilst you are under aged may result in your expulsion from Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Sincerely,

Madam Snickery,

Magical law dept.

Ministry of Magic

'That's not fair!' Harry cried miserably. 'It was that weird creature that did it! I don't even know unblocking charms!' At this, Uncle Vernon came hurtling out of the bathroom, where he had been scrubbing his waste-ridden face in the sink and forced Harry into his room, which he quickly unlocked with the blink of an eye.

'Never again BOY!' he spat at his nephew as he left the room. 'You can stay here till you die and turn into something useful!'

Harry heaved a sigh. This was, without a doubt the worst summer ever.