Disclaimer: I do not own anything Office related
Ryan Howard knew he was coward, no one needed to tell him.
He wished he wasn't, but he was. It couldn't be helped. It was not as though he didn't have the motivation, his Most Likely to Succeed award in high school spoke for that. The fact was, he wished he had was more courageous. He dreamed of bigger and better things then Dunder-Mifflin. He dreamed of leaving Scranton (this also meant not screwing up his life like he did in New York). He dreamed of having a girlfriend that he actually wanted to have.
He thought it would be easy to attain these things as he graduated college. He had done well in his classes as a Business major and English minor. He had friends that struggled in this major and Ryan secretly thought they would never make it. He on the other hand had offers from teachers to write recommendations for whatever he wanted, graduate schools, jobs. Anything Ryan Howard coveted his teachers wanted to help. However, Ryan was too proud to accept help. He wanted to be successful on his own. So days after he graduated he applied at temp agency and shortly after he was placed at Dunder-Mifflin. It was not his ideal place, but he saw it nothing as a stepping stone. Then he had his first day.
Dunder-Mifflin was without a doubt the worst business in the country Ryan concluded his first day. No one seemed to take their job seriously. The manager Michael Scott seemed inept in every possible way. The accountants bickered. The sales team even lacked a certain spark. One guy, Jim seemed more focused on pranking his desk mate Dwight and flirting with receptionist. For example on that fateful first day, it appeared Jim had put Dwight's stapler in Jell-O. Ryan loved pranks...in high school. He admitted it was funny and even made his own joke about the situation. But he knew it was a ruse. If he acted like one of the gang they would not treat him differently. He needed to act like he was part of this crew. He knew it was the way to become successful here. Good thing he acted this way because every day it seemed like a big joke.
He thought better then to thrive at a place like this so he accepted his acceptance into Scranton's business school. It was an easy choice. He only applied one other school. He never told anyone he applied into Harvard's business school. He knew everyone expected him to. He himself was not surprised when he received the acceptance letter. The truth was, he was afraid. He knew he would fall on his face at Harvard. He had been the big fish at college but this was different. He was used to Scranton and was becoming used to becoming the "Fire Guy" as much as it annoyed him. It was a safety net. Months went by as he watched his fellow employees drag on. He was bumped up from temp to Jim's former position because he had left the Scranton branch. Ryan would never admit this but he was so jealous of Jim. On that fateful Casino Night Ryan was hiding from Kelly in the parking lot and heard the exchange before Jim and Pam. Despite, hearing Jim being denied, Ryan maintained his jealousy. Jim was courageous to take a chance and here he was hiding from a girl he had a crush on for a week. It was nearly pathetic. In his mind he was Ryan Howard, someone that was destined for greatness. He did not realize hoe pathetic he seemed until months after that night.
It came up in conversation that there was position open in New York. Ryan had never been to the city before. Honestly, he'd only been to Philly a couple times. It did not interest him. Subconscious he knew it was because cities meant taking chances. Ryan thought about letting his opportunity surpass him until he received a phone call from a buddy that moved to Long Island, The two friends talked and Ryan listened to how happy his friend was. He had done mediocre in school and had applied to graduate school in Pennsylvania. He chose to move to New York and start over. He was manager at a restaurant but was taking night classes at college nearby in finance. He was planning on getting into Wall Street eventually. He had started over everything and sounded thrilled. Ryan wanted that. It sounded easy so Ryan wanted it. It sounded to him that New York would be a quick step to success So three days later Michael, Karen, Jim and himself competed for the position. Unsurprised, Ryan accepted the offer later on. He broke up unceremoniously with Kelly, packed up his belongings, and said a left for his new life.
He felt on top of the world. He was the youngest VP the company ever had. He had a new group of friends. He was single. And he was making more money than he could believe. He started going out on weekdays to the bars with these new friends. He was surrounded by glamorous people who seemed to live faster and faster each night. Ryan found himself wanting more and more to be these people. He wanted to talk to them and be part of them. especially all the single ladies. One particular Tuesday night, Ryan was again out drinking when he saw a girl that he had seen previously but was too (he hated to admit) shy to talk to. She had auburn hair and wore the same stilettos every woman in Manhattan seemed to wear. Ryan wanted to talk, but felt afraid of being shut down. Craig, Ryan's new best friend saw the longing in Ryan's blue eyes and smirked. He knew his friend needed some encouragement. Ushering a slightly drunk Ryan into the men's room, Craig handed him a vial with a few pills. Craig told him to take a few and handed him a bottle of water from under his coat. Ryan whimpered something about fear of swallowing pills but was mocked for not taking a chance. With that Ryan took the pills and in a matter of minutes felt incredible he felt excited and invincible. He felt risky. The rest of the night was an uncontrollable blur. He vaguely remembered talking to the girl. He remember stumbling into his apartment with her, or w was it her apartment? He did not know nor did he care. All he knew was somehow he made it to the office the next day and immediately asked for more pills from Craig. He kept taking them and soon he felt he could do anything. Even when his website failed and he needed money, he kept going. His hair was getting messier he neglected shaving. He had started to grow some stubble, but he now looked like a guy that was getting less sleep and more trouble. But during all this, he never asked for help. He was afraid that he would be fired for not being able to handle it, for seeming to weak. Too bad. Ryan was soon fired and arrested for fraud. The court found out about his addiction and ordered community service. Evicted and jobless, Ryan came back to Scranton.
The first few days he sat in a rehab outside Scranton and was lectured on choices. He was told he could be brave and try to start over or he could resort back to drugs. It was a lose/lose situation to him. Ryan truly did not think he could survive anymore without the gilded shield the drugs gave him. He also knew he hated taking the drugs. He heard the names people had called him every time he popped some more. he ceased to care. he thought they were jealous. he thought he was doing something right. He seemed he had no choice except become clean. It seemed the easier choice because he needed money and knew he could only get a job if he was clean. Soon enough he was working in a bowling alley. Ryan really hated himself at this point. He saw an opportunity to go back to school and try again, but was afraid of screwing up again. He felt he had a chance and had blown it. Somehow he ended up at Duder Mifflin again. And at the Michael Scott paper Company. It was familiar to him so it's what kept him there. There were no real chances. Deep down he knew Michael, Pam, and himself would end up back at Dunder-Mifflin. He knew it was a failure from start. He just wanted to prove to himself he could take a chance on something, even though there was no real chance at all. It was like Kelly and Darryl being together. he could act jealous and try to do something about it. Take a chance on getting back the one girl who had loved him unconditionally. But he knew there was no real chance getting back together. It was not what he wanted .
Ryan Howard was coward and he wanted to change that. The only thing was he did not know how. It tried moving. He had resorted to drugs. Nothing could make him act on a risky situation, even if it meant his happiness.
Ryan Howard was coward and he knew it. Now he just had to figure out to become happy again. Well..for the first time.