AN: This is my translation of a Czech Harry Potter parody which I find hilarious and I would like to give a chance to read it even to those who do not understand Czech. It is my first translation, so, if you spot an error, feel free to point out, I will be only happy to find out what can I do better. Expect some swearwords and minor suggestions (in later chapters). If you like this story, you can follow, favourite and also comment (which would be appreaciated).

If someone is interested in the original story, it is possible to find it on google if you type the name of this story. If you want to read it a little bit sooner than here, you can also find my blog by adding english to the name of this story.
Enjoy!

First chapter is where we'll meet the main character. We will therefore see who he is and what he is doing. Even worse, we will meet his family! Luckily it's his stepfamily so we don't have to like them.

The boy who won

The prologue

Mr. and Mrs. Theirsly always thought they were normal, totally normal. They lived in Narrow Street in one unnamed village near Prague. They've never played cards, they've never been in casino, they've never bought a lottery ticket and no one of them had ever thrown a coin in the machine. Not even in a machine which sold condoms. That's why Mrs. Theirsly gave birth to son David. But that doesn't matter. David is "The-boy-who-is-not-important".

International Day of Orgasm

Mr. Bernard Theirsly returned from work wearily. He had horrible and – although he didn't know that yet – right anticipation that today's really not his lucky day. Something was wrong. Firstly it was probably the thing that there were too many cats in town. He could stand them, but why every cat carried a little paper in its mouth!? But what really had upset him was when one cat outran him on the underground escalator. He tried to complain at supervisor's office, but supervisor wa playing cards with some idiot with long hair and crazy haircut and responded just by: "Why would you complain in such a glorious day, you mug!"

"What?!" was the only Mr. Theirsly's response. At work, he spent more than an hour finding out what kind of important day it is, which wasn't as easy as today. It was year 1989 and Larry Page and Sergei Bryn hadn't even been acquainted. Finally, he found a clue in comical foreign calendar, but that enraged him even more: 8.8.-International Day of Orgasm. Surely they can't mean that? Although he saw a connection between pussies and orgasms, he never thought about it that way. Secondly, he had never seen so many people around illicit casinos and other illegal buildings that soon. Furthermore, all of the nightclubs were open already! In the small square he crossed everyday… OK, it was unnecessary, but Mr. Theirsly's slow walking was enough of an excuse for a quick look into the shop window of town's erotic shop. Since David's birth it's been his only sexual experience. So let's start again: In a small square he crossed everyday he saw something what surely didn't bring him coveted joy. In the square, there was a big number of those funny guys – gamblers, croupiers, professional poker players and other chaps Bernard Theirsly always treated as inferior although he had never known one – cheering and celebrating. He sadly decided to give up his look to the shop window and started to go through the opposite side of the square. He sighed when he recalled that it was the International Day of Orgasm. (1)

"It was Garry, Garry Poker…," he heard suddenly from the group. His heart sank. Oh no, he groaned in his head. He pleadingly hoped to never hear the name Poker again. Although this wish could hardly be fulfilled as Johnnie Poker was the brother of his brother's wife… moment, he had no brother. Again, he was the husband of his sister wife… that's bullshit… husband of his wife's sister! That's it! And this is named brother-in-law. He pulled out his journal for writing the word down and remembering it.

Why he disliked Poker anyway? There were surely many reasons, but it'll be enough to point out three. Reason number one: he loved Lydia, younger sister of his spouse, but then Johnnie Poker married her instead. After that, Bernard married her significantly uglier and even more significantly stupid sister Olivia. Second reason: Johnnie Poker was, in the opinion of Bernard Theirsly, bigheaded brat. And because Bernard was bigheaded brat also, according to all unbiased sources, they hated each other like any two cocks on the wock. And the final reason, purely of his heart: Johnnie Poker was a bit of drunkard and a bit more of gambler. His job and hobby was gambling, which could make him lose enormous amount of money in a single night. Every time he had drunk himself into oblivion in a family reunion, he boasted that he owns a vast pile of poker chips in some underground bank in the middle of the city. (2) And one fine day he tricked Olivia (the significantly more stupid one) into giving him all of their(sly) savings. And if there is something Mr. Theirsly loves, it's money.

I hope it's not because of Poker…

In the evening, Bernard Theirsly wearily watched the news. Moderator's babbling about cats confused by sun stains didn't really persuade him. His wife Olivia cradled their son David in her arms and strolled the living room nervously.
"Olivia?" started Bernard cautiously, "Do you have any news about those… gamblers?"
"Gamblers?! What the…" Olivia was so shocked that she dropped David, "since when are you interested in them?"
Mr. Theirsly was pensive to the point of not noticing silent thump. "Oh, I just have a feeling that I've heard Potter's name from some creepy man on the street today. And all those funny things today… Just wondering whether my dear…," Mr. Theirsly checked his journal, "brother-in-law is involved?"
David started to cry. "According to Lydia," said Olivia (and Bernard couldn't suppress an angry wink) and picked David up, "they're going to fly to Monaco today."
"Oh, a little trip to the promised land!" snickered Bernard Theirsly.
"What?" his wife gave him a dull look. "Nothing…" he waved his hand, leaned on the armchair and for some strange reason started to think about drills.

Our hero arrives to the stage

At the end of Narrow street tottered man who clearly did not fit there. Narrow street was in a peaceful (and Theirslies would emphasize that also civilized) district and there were only a few hobos. He clutched a bottle of denaturized alcohol in one hand and walked in curves which were wider than Narrow street. He stopped at number 6 and hiccupped: "Ah, he-here they live."
"Damn it, Professor!" stated a mysterious woman voice behind a telegraph pole. "It's here, number 4!"
Man who resembled a train station doyen turned confusedly to the voice. "Prof-hic-pher-hic-or… 'fessor McDonald, what're you doing here?" A large cat got out from behind of the telegraph pole. "And why are you dressed like Catwoman?"
"Masking!" she hissed. Man who was called Professor nodded and stroked his unkempt beard, thus disturbing a pair of turtles which flew away disgustedly. "And you should really use the anti-reptile shampoo I gave you last Christmas!"
"Do you really believe that you are less conspicuous as a Catwoman than as an old woman?" Professor obviously noticed that his hiccupping disrupts the conversation so he stopped hiccupping.
"They didn't have old woman mask in there, only cat and Mickey Mouse." explained Professor McDonald.
"You can resemble old woman without a costume!"
"Oh, shut up, Professor!" Professor McDonald detached the cat head and gave him an angry look, "you-know-what you can go!"
"From quite reasonable woman like you, I would not expect an omission of the phrase 'Go fu…'" Proffesor's words were interrupted by a sudden noise of arriving plane. "And let's settle on the matter, I mean that kid, Garry or whats-his-name…" "So they are right in all of the casinos? That Dr. Walst… He-whose-name-can-not-be-pronounced was defeated by Garry Poker?" "Yes, Dr. Wasltessmerst ran out of chips indeed and now he's on the run, although it's hard to believe. He's defeated all of the other players, he's gathered all of the chips, and now he is defeated by a year-old kid… in poker! It's ridiculous, that young baby can't even know the rules! Even I understood for example blackjack when I had five years!"
"And… what about his parents?" asked Professor McDonald in a constricted voice. Then she released her constricted coat and asked again in a normal tone.
"Out," Professor confirmed her untold worries. "They had played with him few minutes before and he had outplayed them. They hanged themselves as soon as they understood the situation…," Professor contemplated as if he had to remember where he had stopped, "They were the last players who hadn't lost all their money to him…"
Apart of you, Headmaster, I am perfectly aware of the school funds sneaked to Swiss banks, snickered Professor McDonald, but she said nothing. She stole all of the money intended for school canteen, but lost them all in slot machines as a hopeless gambler.
"…and you surely know what this meant, Professor," the male Professor continued, "Thus he had all of the chips of all poker players and gamblers, except for one green chip they'd given him to play with… and I told them many times, don't give him those chips to play with, he can choke or swallow them!" Professor shook his head in disbelief. "But those idiots wouldn't listen to me. Hereby Wasltessmerst had to play with Garry as well in order to rule the entire gambling world."
"And he's lost," responded Professor McDonald. "Doesn't it mean that Garry Poker rules all gamblers?"
"It would if one wise Headmaster hadn't stole the chips. What good would this little tyke make of them anyway? So I sent them all anonymously to the Gambling department of ministry. They are sending them to gamblers now… well, I kept a little of it myself," he grinned mischievously, "and don't worry, you will also get some."
"And what about Garry, will he get something as well?" Professor McDonald made the best mimic performance to pretend she cares about Garry's future more than about her money. But she was only a gambler, so her poker face wasn't that good. Professor found out her real thoughts almost at once: "Hahaha! But don't worry, I flipped a coin and it landed on tails, so I left some money to Garry as well. I deposited it in Poker's bank account."
Professor McDonald's heart sank. She didn't know password to their account.
"And now to the subject," returned the male Professor to the topic of conversation. When he wanted, he could resist senility for several hours. "Garry doesn't have a family, so we have to send him somewhere and he doesn't fit into the bus station lockers anymore. I tried to leave him at hospitals, Infant Care Centers and hell knows where else, but it wouldn't be for free. So I've decided to give him to his closest relatives – Theirsly's!"
"Do you think it's wise?" expressed Professor McDonald her doubt. "She is as dumb as a bag of hammers and he thinks about drills all the time… even though he works in an insurance company!"
"Do not judge anyone by who he is!" Professor instructed her. Then he started to think about it and mumbled for himself: "Oh wait, that's bullshit."
"And where's Garry? Do you have him?"
"Where would I have him, in my pocket? Furthermore, I'm not an au-pair to take care of unfamiliar babies. Hybrid will bring him anytime soon."
"You would trust Hybrid with someone like that?" gasped Professor McDonald.
"I wouldn't trust Hybrid with my baby, but luckily, Garry isn't mine," answered Man-who-still-could-not-be-introduced-as-there-was-no-chance. "Do you hear a Trabant car? Hybrid's arriving!"
A pink Trabant car drove up to the Narrow Street making the unique two-stroke sound and stopped a meter before the mysterious man.
"Hullo, Professor Humbledoor!" roared a thunderous voice from the car. Huge bearded person matching with the voice spent next ten minutes leaving the car. "I'm sorry I'm late, but on the D1 was traffic jam, an' at da Sous Junction I was chased by cops as y'know dat car's not 'xactly mine." He went to the luggage space and opened it.
"So here ya are!" Hybrid picked a basket with a baby from the luggage compartment and held him in both hands. "Oh aren't we a beautiful baby?" He smiled at the baby and kissed it.
"Oh, stop it, Hybrid, or it will catch something from you!" interrupted Professor Humbledoor, took the basket with baby, added a letter and put it before the number 6. Professor McDonald then moved it before number 4.
"OK, that's done," rubbed Professor Humbledoor his hands, "will you take us to school, Hybrid?"
"If ya've enough room at da luggage space…" grinned Hybrid wickedly.
"I'll take a taxi," snapped Professor McDonald and vanished into the darkness.

(1) Although he was quite lucky – how many people could go around a sex shop in 1989?

(2) OK, he probably wasn't drunk into oblivion if he was able to say it.