A/N: This is a complete mess, and I'm not even sure it's finished. Please consider this is a draft of the mess going on in my head. I keep thinking about that scene at the end of the episode and I can't get over all the emotions. I was hoping this would give my mind some rest but I found myself struggling to find the right words. I was also struggling to find the time to write it, but that's a different story. I'm feeling a little blue, and I guess I sort of let it out here, I'm sorry about that. That whole scene totally made me cry. Anyways, I'm posting it, in spite of how uncertain I am of this. I hope it's readable. Would love to know what you think! More Hard Rain should be up this weekend (hopefully!)

In Too Deep

She was sitting in his embrace, his hands wrapping her body, her back resting against his chest. She let the rise and fall of his breath soothe her. It was a long day. They were looking out the window, each of them so busy with their thoughts, a million miles apart. She wanted to have words to comfort him. He had done it a million times before for her, always having the right thing to say. But she sat there, lost in her own troubles, wondering if she ever had words to comfort him, or if this was a first because of how far they grew from each other; because of the wall between them.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought of better days, when they sat at the windowsill, snuggled in each other, watching the snow falling outside, not having a care in the world. Back then, they still lived in Virginia; they were still able to talk about every detail of their day. Back then they were just two professors, madly and deeply in love with each other. World crises were reserved for someone bigger than them, from someone far away from them. Back then, they lived in their own little piece of paradise, and nothing else mattered.

She reached to wipe her tears and his eyes were immediately on her, scanning her, worry mixed with sorrow written on his face. She didn't meet his gaze. Still looking out the window, she felt his eyes on her, his arm tightening around her. He kissed her hair and then her neck and her cheek, wordlessly asking her to turn around and look at him, to let him in, to allow him to figure out what had brought her to tears. She sighed, finally meeting his eyes, smiling softly through her tears. She hated that she let it get the best of her. That instead of comforting him, he now had to comfort her. She hated how she broke sometimes, how she couldn't stop her tears. She could be anyone and do anything, but when it came to Henry, every little thing could rattle her world, bring her to tears, make her break. She loved him so much she swore sometimes it hurt.

"Don't tell me you let him get to you this way! Baby, he's your brother, stop taking him so seriously! That's what he does, I thought you knew better by now".

She smiled, wiping another tear. "It's not that" she said.

"What then?" He asked, wrapping another arm around her, pulling her closer into his embrace.

"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm okay".

"Elizabeth..."

"I'm okay, really. It's nothing" she said, moving closer to him, lightly kissing his lips.

"Why the tears then?" He asked as their lips parted.

"Stupid tears" she chuckled, though another tear rolled down her face. She sighed, wiping it away. "You have enough on your mind without me bothering you with my stupid issues and insecurities".

"No" he said, kissing her hair again. "You are the only thing on my mind that matters. And your issues and insecurities are not stupid. What's going on?"

"I just... I miss you. And I hate seeing you hurt so bad. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. I want to take this darkness away from you; I want to comfort you; I want to offer you advice or just a listening ear. I want to be there for you like you are there for me, always".

"Baby... I'm fine, really. I'm just figuring this whole thing out, but I'm okay. I am".

"Henry, I've been at the CIA long enough to understand you never figure this out. But I had you to come home to every day- you and your smart words, your warm embrace, your soft kisses and your promises for better days. I want to do the same for you. I want you to lean on me, to talk to me. I want you to let me make you feel like you're not alone in this. But I... You don't let me".

"Elizabeth... I'm... I'm only doing this..."

"I know" she said, stopping him. "You're only doing this to protect me. I guess some days it just gets me harder than others".

"I don't want it to get you at all".

"Well... That's not possible. I love you way too much".

He smiled and kissed her, his lips lingering a minute longer, needing to tell her just how much he loves her too. No words could describe it.

"Truth be told, and it might sound stupid to you, but I'd rather risk going to prison. It's stupid. This whole thing is fucked up. They trust us enough to give us this high security clearance, but not enough to allow us to actually tell each other things? It's not that I need to know the details of what it is that you're doing. I need to know what is eating you like this. And if they find me guilty for violating the Espionage Act, then so be it. I live in the present; I don't want to live in the "if", in the future. You are here right now, and you're hurting. And I just... I can't stand it".

"Babe, I can't let you go to prison. I can't".

"I know" she sighed. "That's why I'm not pushing".

"But I can't see you crying either".

She sighed. Her eyes filled with tears again as she heard the words fall from his lips. Sometimes she wished they didn't love each other so much. "I'm okay. Really. Most of the time anyway".

He wanted her to be okay all the time. He hated compromising for anything other than that. He hated that he couldn't make her feel safe anymore, that he was unable to reassure her. There really was no better path – it was either he talked to her and give the haters more reason to hate, or he kept drowning in this unfamiliar territory while she stands on the outside, begging him to let her save him.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked, noticing how lost he was in his thoughts, how much they troubled him.

"Sure".

"Do you remember the time I was in Iraq? Sent there with some new intel about this terrorist".

"Yes, the one that made you write that report about torture. I remember".

"I was a wreck for weeks" she whispered softly, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"I could barely get you to get out of bed, let alone eat".

"And I couldn't tell you anything. I just stared into space all the time. I wanted you to know so badly, I wanted you to see me for who I really am. I needed to know, to be sure. I… I kept thinking that one day you'll find out, and it will be the day you realize you can't even look at me. I kept waiting for us to fall apart, for you to leave. I kept waiting for you to tell me how horrible I am; to get mad at me for not putting an end to it sooner; for knowing and still playing my part. Every time you walked into the room I thought this was it, this was goodbye; I thought this was the moment you were going to tell me you no longer love me".

He listened carefully. She never told him that. He still doesn't know how he managed to get her back on her feet after that. Back then he thought time was all she needed for healing; now he wondered if she ever healed at all. "Are you still waiting for this?" he asked, a tremble in his voice.

"Maybe. I don't know. But it was this that made me decide I no longer want to be an operative. I was in way too deep and it was way too late. And it was too much for me. The thought of losing you – it made me realize I couldn't do this. I guess at the end of the day I had to acknowledge that if I can't stop it in time, I don't want to do it all".

He sighed. He wasn't sure he wanted to keep doing this as well. He was only sure of one thing – if he reached a point where he thought that if she knew, she would run away – it was too much, too deep, too late. "I think maybe part of me doesn't want you to know, because I'm too scared you'll stop loving me; scared you'll leave".

"Henry…" she turned just slightly in his arms, feeling how tense his body had become. Shiver went down her spine as she listened to the words he was saying. "No. I could never stop loving you. I could never leave you. I told you this because I wanted you to know that it's okay, that whatever it is that you're doing – it's not going to make me think any less of you. I wanted you to know you're not alone, that I was there too. But I'm here now as well, and we are here".

"Will we forever?"

"Yes".

She reached for his lips, kissing him softly. "We're in this together, no matter how deep" she whispered as she settled back in his embrace.

He held her tight, feeling his own tears sliding down his cheeks. He knew she was crying too. He kissed her hair and she closed her eyes, resting her arms on his, gently rubbing his skin, soothing him. He closed his eyes and said a little prayer, thanking God for the wonder that she was; for the love they shared; for the right that was given to him to spend his life with her.