This is my first and quite possibly only, why? I've never been one to write buttt I love this song so why not? I don't own anything in here, surprise surprise. It's 'Rough Hands' by Alexisonfire. If you don't like them well I recommend City And Colour. Reviews don't hurt, you know. Anyways, on with it. It's a one-shot. : ]
Rough Hands
Was I left behind?
Someone tell me, tell me I survived
And don't look so surprised
That I'm home, but just for tonight
And even though we survived the war I couldn't help but feel like whatever we had was dead. It was dead and gone and no matter what I did I couldn't get this piece of us back. I couldn't get us back. It started on that first night after the defeat of Voldemort, it seemed like everybody was in the infirmary, whether they were injured or not.
The night it started,
"Hey Hermione! You okay?" Ron was always thick. But he knew that they needed to talk. He couldn't take this normalcy that's been placed on the castle since the end of battle. How anybody can be okay, how can he try and act normal, he just lost family and friends. She too just lost what had been her family – our friends.
"As good as the situation permits, but really Ronald, 'Okay?' I don't think that is possible . . ." Ron couldn't help but interrupt, mildly annoyed at her assumption that he forgot what had just happened. As if he could . . .
"I meant your body - err - are you physically okay? I'm not bloody stupid Hermione, just worried" Hermione had the grace to look embarrassed, but only because she was too tired to let anything go further. The last thing anyone needed was to hear two-thirds of the Golden Trio argue. He looked at her, and knew she was what he needed. He needed someone to talk to, like Harry had Ginny, and he knew she needed him too.
"D'you mind coming back to the tent? I wanna be somewhere familiar, and I really can't bear to be inside the castle right now?" Her request shook him from his thoughts and he was relieved that she felt the same way.
They walked onto the grounds avoiding each others gaze and touch. Only trying to find a suitable place to camp, it was silent as both thought of the events of the day, the people lost and the people that were hurt. They came upon the quidditch pitch and decided to camp under the Gryffindor stands. As Hermione quickly cast wards Ron set the tent up. It was routine, something to keep their minds working.
It wasn't until Hermione got into the tent that they looked at each other. Ron couldn't cry, he couldn't talk and he hoped that she could and when she started to cry he felt like everything was okay. He knew that he wasn't alone so he did what any man should do. He held her, wiped her tears with his hands and he cried.
They cried together until at some point they grief channeled into something else, all the feelings that they weren't allowed to feel the past few months seemed to explode into this moment. They kissed. They didn't stop until their feelings of loss, grief and loneliness were washed away from the feeling satisfaction and fulfillment.
Hermione tried to speak, "Ron I . . .", but Ron stopped her, "Let tonight be just that Hermione, please."
With rough hands and sore eyes
So don't speak, I am tired
Let's just live through this lie
It wasn't that I didn't care for her, I do, I love her.
I didn't want to hear how sorry she was or how it was a mistake because to me, she was everything I needed and it wasn't a mistake. Those moments of bliss, those moments of us being together were what we all fought for. That was what my friends and family died for and you know what? That night showed me that through everything I was going to be happy again.
When I woke up the next morning I felt sick. I cast a contraception charm and took the potion I had stashed into my bag. I loved him but I couldn't stop from feeling used. His words just rang in my head and like a hammer driving a nail I knew; I knew that it wasn't a night of love for him but of grief. I was nothing but a sympathy fuck. My first time wasn't making love; it was a simple pity fuck. I had dreams and fantasies of it happening we would always be so caught up in our passion that there never words, but the reality was so much colder. He was just caught up in compassion and he couldn't find words. What a man.
I avoided him the last few months. With completely legitimate reasons too. I brought my parents back, took my N.E.W.T.S. at the Ministry and got a job. I managed to avoid every owl, floo, well meaning friend and 'surprise' visit. I've avoided the talk of shame now I just wanted to stay away from the talk of shame.
It wasn't until I recently received the invitation I've been dreading, Harry and Ginny's engagement party, not only was Ron Best Man, but I was a bridesmaid. I couldn't avoid it any longer and with a turn I decided to grow up and face him myself.
Ron was at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes helping with the shop until George could find 'suitable' staff. He saw me before I saw him, and I felt my heart stop when I heard his voice followed by his hand on my shoulder.
"Bloody Hell! Hermione Granger is back, after all the fucking letters and floos, you're here." His voice wasn't angry it was almost relieved and intimate, but I couldn't fall for it. I couldn't let him take advantage of my love for him, yes, I still love him.
"Ronald Weasley! You need to watch your language mister!" I try to keep my tone friendly like he was just Harry or one of his brothers, but it was so hard. I couldn't stop there, I need to seem like I was before, before that night. "You've always swore too much you know, like the four year old who's just learned what a bad word is."
She says I swear too much
She says a lot of things
Well I'd swear every other word if I could
For her, I'll make an attempt
After all this time she acts as if 6th year was yesterday and that night never happened. It catches me off guard and I don't know what to do, so I follow her lead.
"Well, if you fancy it so much then I could arrange to have every other be a, what did you say, bad word?" I try to flirt but I don't know how to with her. It's Hermione not Lavendar, she's smart, funny, perfect and I think perhaps just a friend.
"Oh, Ronald! I don't think I could fancy anything less. Do you have time for lunch?"Ron's heart dropped, he knew then that his hope was dashed. She wanted to let him down over food.
"Actually I can't today. Responsibilities here at the shop, maybe another day?" He tried so hard to keep his ears from flushing. But by how hot it suddenly got he didn't think it worked.
"Ron Weasley turning down food for responsibilities, I never thought I'd see the day. When did you change?"Now he didn't try to stop it. If only she knew how much he had been changing the past few months, if only she knew. Maybe he'd take a chance . . .
"I met someone worth changing for."
Sometimes love isn't about
how much someone suits you
But how much you're willing to change
to suit them
I saw how mature he was and it saddened me. He was perfect, but more than likely just the perfect friend. So I did what any perfect friend would do. I Lied.
"That's wonderful, I was worried you'd be pining over silly me! Anyways, I better be off before my lunch is over. I'll see you at Harry and Ginny's?" I didn't give him a chance to respond, and I didn't bother to look at his face. I knew i'd break down if I did.
All my bones are dust
(two people too damaged too much too late)
And my heart sealed with rust
(two people too damaged too much too late)
These hands will always be rough
(two people too damaged too much too late)
I know this won't count for much
(two people too damaged too much too late)
She said it was wonderful, and I was hopeful but then she left before I could process what else she said. As soon as the words clicked I couldn't help but feel broken. Now it's too late, she's gone and didn't even look back.
After that I broke down. There were girls but they never stayed for long. There were days but I was never sober for that long. It may have been a day, it may have been a month. I couldn't let her haunt me anymore, I wrote her a letter. It said I loved her. It said that I changed for her. And it said I'm moving on from her.
I'm not saying she's my last
I'm just saying that she could have been
It doesn't matter how rough these hands get
It doesn't matter 'cause I'm not her man