Update April 8 – just fixed up some errors.
I'm not entirely sure what this is, to be honest. It came to me last night when I was trying to get to sleep and I just scribbled it all down. Let me know what you think :)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
oOoOo
They are watching a movie on his couch, empty takeout containers scattered on the coffee table, each of them holding a glass of wine, and sleep on the verge of beckoning, when she murmurs "I'm happier with you."
He turns his neck to catch a glimpse of her, and shame colours her face.
"Is that a bad thing?" He asks.
"Yes!" She insists with a hiss. "I'm married."
"You were married last night, and Monday, and –"
"Tony!"
He knows that he's frustrating her, but he's past caring. She's the one who decided that her life would be better if she married CI-Ray. It was easy to take the high road and be happy for her (pretend to be happy for her) when she was happy, but when she's miserable; staring up at him with big brown eyes filled with sorrow and shame, he can't help it.
"It was your choice," he reminds her, and he knows how much of an asshole he's being, but he's sick of seeing her like this, miserable and feeling guilty for spending a couple of nights a week with him just watching movies and eating takeout, simply because it makes her happy.
"We have to stop," she says, and he nods, trying to convince himself that it's true. "It's not fair to any of us."
"We aren't doing anything wrong," he tells her, and it's true. They're friends. He hardly thinks she would feel this guilty for watching movies with McGee. Except that this is heading into dangerous territory, and they both know it. This is the third night in a row, and with each night it has been easier to forget about Ray. It has become progressively easier to pretend that she isn't married, and that he has a right to look at her the way he does.
She just shoots him a doubtful look, and he sighs, defeated. "Fine." He looks at her, one look conveying everything. "You know where I stand."
She mirrors his nod. He stands proud leader of the "leave Ray and be happy" camp.
If only it were that easy.
oOoOo
Beyond work, they don't talk for months. Ray is in and out of town – more out than in – and that fire in her eyes that he loves so much has dwindled to embers.
She walks in one morning different, though, and he can't help but stare. There's a smile on her face – a genuine one, not the fake one he's now accustomed to, and he thinks that she's finally made a decision – that she's finally left him, or at least initiated a divorce. Instead, she announces something else entirely.
"I'm pregnant," she says, a grin splitting her face in two.
McGee smiles, hugging her and murmuring congratulations, while Gibbs kisses her cheek softly and smiles at her before promising "you'll be a wonderful mother."
That just leaves him, he realises, so he stands to hug her, still in shock.
"What they said," he offers, but his heart isn't quite in it yet, and the smile doesn't reach his eyes.
She pretends not to see right through him.
oOoOo
Her happiness only falters when she realises that this baby isn't enough to keep Ray from leaving the country at every given opportunity. He watches her across the bullpen as she talks to him on the phone. She has her first ultrasound tomorrow, and from what he can decipher from hearing a one sided phone call and seeing the look on Ziva's face, Ray won't be making it.
She hangs up, muttering a curse in Hebrew, and he looks to her.
"Ray has an assignment," she explains, defending him, but the effect is nullified by the disappointment on her face.
"I'm sorry," he offers, and he is. He's only ever wanted her to be happy.
She shrugs, forcing herself to turn back to her computer.
"It's no big deal," she mutters.
oOoOo
She doesn't come in to work after the ultrasound, although she said she would. Concern bubbles in his gut, and he knows they can all feel it. Something is wrong.
He goes to her place during his lunch break, if only to put a stop to the cruel never-ending list of possible reasons for her absence that his brain is throwing him.
He knocks on her door, hoping she's there and everything's fine. But he has to knock three times before she answers, and when she does, she is still wiping tears from puffy, red eyes with the back of her hand.
He pulls her into his arms instinctively, and she doesn't even resist.
She mumbles words against his chest, and he tries to make sense of them as his heart breaks for her.
They couldn't find a heartbeat.
The pregnancy isn't viable.
She has an appointment for a D&C tomorrow.
He doesn't say anything, just holds her tighter. He hates that this has happened, but he really hates that Ray isn't here for her. He knows this isn't his place; it feels wrong.
But he knows she needs someone and he's all she's got.
He doesn't ask if she's told Ray, because he's well aware that their only communication when he's away is through email, and this isn't the kind of news you share in an email.
"What time's the appointment?" He asks softly, and she buries her head closer to his chest.
"Eleven fifteen," she mumbles. "I need to tell Gibbs."
She pulls away from him with that realisation, moving to the kitchen and reaching for her phone.
"You should go back to work," she tells him, determination flashing in her eyes. "I'm fine."
It's a lie if he's ever heard one, but he nods and accepts it anyway.
"Okay."
She looks relieved that he "buys" it.
oOoOo
He goes with her to the appointment, because he doesn't want her go alone. She doesn't say a word, and he follows her lead. They stay in silence until he takes her home. Once they enter her apartment she breaks down in his arms, and he tells her she'll get another chance, praying it's true.
oOoOo
She stays with Ray.
Two months pass after the pregnancy that she refuses to speak of (and won't let anyone else mention), and she has simply returned to who she was before it happened. Reserved, subdued. It's as if the real Ziva is hidden under the stock-standard mirage of every unhappy spouse.
Ray calls him unexpectedly that evening while he's self-medicating with alcohol and classic films.
"I'm losing her," Rays says, and Tony bites down on his tongue so hard as to draw blood to prevent himself from pointing out that Ray lost her a long time ago. They all did. Ziva's gone. She is the shell of the woman she used to be, the one who would turn the simplest idiom into an innuendo, teasing and flirting with him mercilessly.
"What do I do?"
Ray sounds helpless, and Tony would feel bad for him – because he knows how much it hurts to lose Ziva – but he can't.
"Give her a divorce," he says before hanging up, and for the first time, that advice isn't predicated on jealousy. It's based solely on what's best for Ziva.
oOoOo
Since they got married, he has been able to tell when they have had a particularly bad fight. Ziva is just that little bit more withdrawn the next day, less polite and less amicable.
It is a week after one of those fights that she stands in front of her desk again with an announcement.
"Ray and I are getting a divorce," she tells them, before taking a seat. McGee's the first to mumble a response.
"I'm really sorry, Ziva," he says, and she holds up a hand, quieting him.
"I do not wish to discuss it. I merely thought you should know."
Tony tries to catch her eyes all day but she won't let him.
oOoOo
The fire in her eyes slowly returns. They'll be at a crime scene and she'll laugh at something trivial, and it makes his day. It happens slowly, but all he knows is that some six months later, he's starting across the bullpen at her, a challenge gleaming in her eyes, and he knows she's back.
oOoOo
She does get pregnant again, a year and a half after her divorce is final, and she knows that she made the right decision when she emerges from the bathroom, pink stick in hand, and Tony greets her with a tight hug and the biggest smile she has ever seen.