I gripped the sides of the cold, white, sink in front of me, staring blankly at the figure in the mirror, which seemed to be watching me with criticism. The water dripped slowly from the faucet, my hands turning purple and red colors, as I held onto the edge tighter with each second.
Suddenly letting go, I reached for my hair and tied it into a bun at the nape of my neck, once again looking at the image in front of me, remembering what everything used to be like. I slowly reached for the clear bottle, inhaling the smell that was well known to be, "Pink Sugar," the perfume. My head spun, images whizzing by me, as my body recognized the smell coming from what seemed like any normal bottle of perfume.
xxx
"Clairebear, come over here." Derrick called from inside her bedroom, his arms spreading to catch her in a hug as she ran towards him. She dug her face into his chest and breathed in his scent.
"Merry Christmas," She said, looking up at him. He tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her tiny ear, and whispered, "Merry Christmas Claire."
They both looked up when they heard Massie and Josh show up at the door, Massie's pale face peering inside and smiling. "Aw, come on you two, dinner is ready downstairs!" She giggled as she grabbed Josh's hand and ran down the stairs.
They made their way over to the door as Claire looked back at the room, smiling, the Christmas decorations filling her head, and Derrick turned to kiss her head once more, murmuring, "Mmm, pink sugar. My favorite."
xxx
I set the bottle back down without opening it, and instead I ran my fingers under my eyes, wiping away any stray eyeliner or mascara. I looked over at my buzzing phone on the border of the sink counter and read the flashing caller id, 3 MISSED CALLS, MOM. I sighed and closed my eyes slowly, washing my face with soap and water quickly, then patting it dry with a towel. I glanced quickly over at the razor lying next to my shower, almost remembering when everything had gone wrong.
xxx
"Massie, stop it right now. What are you doing, what happened?" She patted Massie's cheeks gently, and shook her shoulders softly. Massie was lying on the floor, bottle in hand, eyes drooping closed.
"I, well, Josh broke up with me…" A tear trailed down her cheeck, but she quickly shrugged it off and added, "Aw, Clairey, chill, everything is ALL good, isn't it?" She giggled and wiped her tears from her cheeks.
She turned to the stuffed animal next to her, cooing quietly at it and smiling when Claire ripped the animal away from her and stood her up slowly, immediately feeling the weight of Massie's body.
"No, everything is not ok. Where have you been? What happened with Josh?" She glared at Massie's sullen face, and then set her down on the big queen-sized bed. She sighed and stroked her cheek gently.
"You know what? We'll talk about this later, ok? Let's just take a bath, I'll be right back, I'm going to get towels, stay right here." She ordered softly, and slipped out the room.
Returning a few minutes later, Claire felt everything crashing down. Her stomach dropped, her heart rose up her throat, and as she dropped to her knees at Massie's side, the razor dripped Massie's red blood, barely realizing the damage it had just done.
xxx
I shook my head slightly, erasing the memory temporarily, and I walked slowly back to my bedroom, stepping into my closet. I tore a few hangers off the pole, frustrated about what to wear tonight. I eventually dug through my pile of clothes on the floor from years ago, and found a black dress that I wanted to wear. I had found it a couple of years ago, thrift shopping with Derrick, at buffalo exchange. It had a lacy back, with a deep scoop neck front, and I when I tried it on, I stared critically at my reflection in the long mirror, hearing the buzz from my phone again. I sighed as my alarm clock went off, the sound very much like, beep. beep. beep. beep. beep. I sprinted to go turn it off, but the memories were already clouding my head.
xxx
I leaned against the uncomfortable chair, in the gray and white room, my heavily shadowed lids drooping closed with every minute that passed. I opened them slowly again, and looked at the window to the room, the looming figure of Josh standing there, staring intently at the pale figure of Massie lying on the bed, almost a million needles attached to her weak body. He looked down regretfully, both hands in his pockets, and walked away, not brave enough to stay with her. My eyes unwillingly drooped closed again and my thoughts blacked out.
xxx
I reached for my new black Burberry studded heels and black stockings, swooping my hair up into a higher, messier bun.
After taking a few minutes to get dressed, I walked back into my cold bathroom, goose bumps immediately rising along the surface of my tan skin. I grasped the even colder glass of water resting on the sink counter, taking a gulp, letting the liquid rush down my throat. As the glass retrieved from my lips, I hardly noticed what was happening before I felt the glass slipping from my fingertips, the glass falling silently through the air, taking ages to reach the hard marble floor. I almost anticipated the sound, the one I knew was coming inevitably from the glass falling to the floor, but when the sound of the glass shattering appeared, I was surprised at everything I remembered at that moment.
xxx
"STOP SCREAMING AT ME!" Claire shrieked throwing the glass vase at his blonde head, missing his face by inches, hitting the wall behind him. The glass shattered to the floor, bits and pieces flying outwards. Hardly noticing what had just happened, she yelled, "JUST STOP!" She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her face.
"What the FUCK? You bitch, don't throw a fucking glass vase at me." He threw his hands up in disgust and lingered at the door, fuming. "This," he gestured at the vase, then back at them, "is YOUR fault. You shouldn't have left Massie by herself, when you obviously knew something was wrong."
Claire breathed in heavily and pointed a bony finger at Derrick, her eyes narrowing in hatred, "Don't you DARE say this is my fault. I loathe you."
"Oh, really? Is that so?" He asked sarcastically, before adding, "Is that really why you lost your precious virginity to ME?" He placed his two hands on his chest, tears now falling down his cheeks too. "No. You loathe the truth, and the fact that the truth is that you fucking killed Massie." And with that, he slammed the door in her face and stormed out of the house, leaving Claire crouching down on her fuzzy white rug, sobbing.
xxx
She smiled weakly at the mess she had just made, and instantaneously began picking up the broken glass pieces, once again hearing her phone buzz loudly. She sighed, throwing the pieces into the garbage, and finally grabbed her phone. 8 MISSED CALLS, MOM. She ran her thumb along the keypad, and pressed 'ignore,' with force, tossing her phone onto her bed. When had this all gone wrong? When had my perfect life gone in the opposite direction?
Tracing my fingers along the pictures of summer of last year still hung up on the corkboard, I remembered everything. How good everything was, how perfect. Oh god, how much I hated that word, perfect. It was so surreal, as if everyone strived for perfection but never achieved it. I skimmed through the pile of letters on my desk, the first sentence of most of them, we are so sorry for your loss, etc. Bullshit, none of these people cared; none of them knew what was going on. Not even Massie's parents, who were already dead, could be there to be sadder than I was. Her death, marked the end of a life, and that life was not only hers, but of the three friends she seemed to have killed with her.
xxx
"MY best friend committed suicide, after YOUR best friend did. Josh took his own life FOR Massie. What did you do? You let it all happen." Derrick stared at her blankly, any bit of love drained away.
"You can't blame this on me." She sobbed, her head in her hands. "I didn't think it would happen like this. How would I know that she would do this? How?" She shook her head and held her face tighter in her hands.
xxx
"Hello?" I finally answered my buzzing phone, my voice ragged and sore. I pushed the phone in between my shoulder and my cheek, putting on my coat with the other arm.
"Claire. Where are you? We need you here." My mother's desperate voice appeared on the phone, the chatter of voices in the background.
"I'll be right there." I replied before hanging up and running out the door into the biting cold.
When I arrived, I took in the scene quietly, the crowd of people, some familiar faces, some not, all dressed in black, a soft murmur of conversation filling the room.
"Claire, you look wonderful. We are deeply sorry about your loss." Mrs. Crawford, Massie's aunt, said as she laid a hand on my shoulder. I nodded and forced a smile.
I sat down in one of the rows of wooden benches, and looked up at the altar. My eyes searched the crowd, landing on Derrick, who was standing in the front row, looking down at his hands. His eyes quickly caught mine, and he smiled weakly, and held his hand up for a wave, finally surrendering. I waved back, both of our already faint smiles fading.
I watched the caskets being brought in, both of them being laid down next to each other, and my eyes stung. What I didn't realize at the time was that I didn't cry at that point, and surprisingly, when I looked over at the sea of crying faces, Derrick wasn't either. We just sat there, hands in our laps, facing the front of the room.
And what most people would consider sick, happened to me right then and there. I smiled, a real smile, the warmth building up inside of me again. I smiled because I was going to move forward from now on, never forgetting the amazing years I spent with the three of them, Derrick, Josh, and Massie.