Tested by the (Whispered) Fire
Author's Note: Part 1 of 2. This is a run-on thought of one way the reveal of Finn's tryst with Santana could go. (I seriously have four or five pieces I've been playing with that involve that bit of news coming out. I'm about to go crazy from the speculation. I kind of hope the writers deal with it soon.) At any rate, this is up to the confession from Finn's POV. Part 2 will be Rachel's perspective from the confession on.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or the structural drama of their situation, I've just put words in their mouths and played with their emotions for my own amusement. (Which kinda makes me sound like a sadist.) Regardless, I'll return them to Ryan as good as new when I'm finished.
!
It was the first cool night after a weeklong warm spell when he told her…
Though it was early November, the chill somehow still surprised most everyone, as the crowd in the bleachers seemed to shiver in unison. But no one wanted to miss William McKinley's football team clench their first winning season in 11 years. Especially not the quarterback's girlfriend.
Finn thought Rachel looked particularly adorable, bundled up and beaming with pride for him. Despite her tiny stature and the fact that the stands were packed with fans, he picked her out immediately as he stepped out onto the field. Her dark curls framing her face as a fuzzy white cap warmed her ears. Her smile was wide and her eyes were bright, and he thought he'd never stop staring she was so beautiful.
But after she teasingly blew a kiss, and he rolled his eyes while he caught it (in a rare moment of carelessness as to who might have been watching), he forced his attention back to the game.
He was determined to win it, and even more determined to, when he did win, use the rush of victorious adrenaline to finally tell the girl he loved the only remaining untruth between them.
Because if the Titans could win 10 games in a single season than anything was possible.
He'd wanted to tell her all along, of course. The guilt had been gnawing at him since the moment he'd lied. But in the last five months of dating he'd still never managed to get the words out.
When she told him she had lied about being with Jesse, just two weeks into summer, it would have been the perfect opportunity to relieve himself of the burden, had she not followed her confession with the reason why she'd been unable to sleep with her ex. She explained she hadn't wanted to lose her virginity; she'd wanted to give it to someone. As "romantically clichéd" as she thought it sounded, she didn't want it to be about sex and hormones and lust her first time. She wanted it to be about love. And she'd known, even when dating Jesse, that for her, that meant it needed to be with him.
She cried and kissed him and repeated how sorry she was that she had lied and how grateful she was that she had waited, and he wanted so badly to be able to offer the same in return that he pressed his mouth shut firmly as he held her to keep from weeping with shame.
Since then he'd been a constant coward.
But, in the last few weeks, things had been changing. He'd thought he and Rachel were solid, the real deal, from their moment at Regionals (and maybe before). But lately he could feel the relationship morphing into something even more, even stronger.
Granted, the school year had started a little rocky, but they had persevered.
Disappointment, jealousy, fear, frustration – these were no match for the way he loved Rachel Berry.
And they were certainly no match for the way she loved him.
Together, they'd made it passed the drama and petty arguments of the first few weeks, and then things had been amazing.
They'd always shared a special connection, a unique understanding of each other. But the bond was suddenly deeper than ever, and it felt like they were so perfectly in sync.
Finn also felt that their physical relationship was progressing with the same intensity.
So he decided he needed to tell her, now, because when they took the next step (and he could feel it coming), he didn't want a single secret between them.
He wanted her to know all of him when she, well, knew all of him.
And it was with the strength of that conviction that he threw beautiful pass after beautiful pass against the late-autumn wind, until the slightly-frosted crowd roared at his triumph.
He was pulled along in the initial rush of celebration. Hugging his teammates in the manliest manner he could muster, high-fiving the fans that had stormed the field, and shaking his coach's hand. When he finally made it through to the sidelines where Rachel waited patiently, he pulled her to him without hesitation and rejoiced in her kiss.
He didn't stop until he felt Puck slap his shoulder, hard, while muttering about the kegs being delivered to Brittany's within the hour. He barely pulled away as he quickly declined the invitation to the post-game party, not even waiting for Puck's reply before turning his attention back to the girl in his arms.
To her soft inquiry he assured her he had no desire to watch his teammates make drunken fools of themselves, that all he wanted was time with her, and he promised to shower and change as fast as he could.
He memorized the adoration that lit up her eyes, blown away by how invincible she could make him feel with the love she held for him there.
And he hoped nothing could change that.
He exited the locker room 20 minutes later to see the stands and the parking lot still swarming with activity. He found Rachel waiting for him at his truck, bathed in the light of the streetlamp, with a book in her mittened hands. When she spotted him, the private smile she saved for his eyes only slipped into place and he leaned in to kiss her as he blindly fit the key into the lock behind her.
He didn't want to have such an important conversation in the car so the short ride to his house was filled with the small talk and comfortable silence of two people used to just being together. His hand held hers the entire way and he wondered if she knew he had something on his mind when her fingers squeezed at his.
As he led her into the darkened house he reviewed the words he'd practiced for days. Grabbing two bottles of water and a bag of imitation oreos, they made their way through the kitchen and to his room, silently, hands still intertwined.
She slipped her shoes off gracefully and sat down gently on his bed. After placing the drinks and cookies on his small desk, he moved as if to sit across from her in the chair, but she caught his hand and tugged lightly, scooting over to the opposite edge and laying on her side.
He carefully slid into place, turning to face her, his long legs bent at the knee to fit better on his narrow mattress.
Her lips found his, softly for just a second, before the passion that was Rachel Berry took over and her tiny hands reached for him, pushing up under his hoodie and setting his skin on delicious fire.
Her full lips nibbled at his, her smooth tongue teasing the seam, and he momentarily thought that he could keep waiting, briefly reconsidered his plan in full. But even as she did the most wonderful things with her mouth against his, he knew that more than he wanted to continue kissing her in this moment, he wanted to kiss her forever after without his lie hanging over his head. When with her, he wanted only to think of her lips and her body and her heart from here on out. So he rededicated himself to coming clean.
With more strength than he thought he actually possessed, he pulled slightly away.
He smiled at her groan of protest, at her eyes that remained shut tightly while her lips pouted enticingly and her puffs of breath continued at a slightly faster rate than normal.
He waited until her eyes finally fluttered open in confusion, and her breathing returned to slow and even, before he began in the careful whisper of a boy both hopeful and terrified.
"Rach, I need to tell you something."
He struggled against an instant lump in his throat, and as her confusion began to turn towards concern he felt a flowing dread fill up the pit of his stomach.
"You aren't going to like it. I don't like it either. But I love you, and I know you love me, and I believe that we can get through anything because of that."
Her worried expression swiftly evolved into one of panic and he hated that a far worse emotion would push across her features next.
"When I finally told you I loved you, I'm pretty sure those were the truest words I've ever spoken." He sighed a little, "And I hope you remember that, because I'm afraid I haven't always been so honest."
They were still so close that he could feel her hard-swallow as much as he could hear it, but her hands had slipped from his sides and he missed her touch already.
"That night, when you weren't with Jesse, I was with Santana. I lied to you. I did sleep with her."
His voice had drifted so low, so small, he wondered if she'd even heard him when a reaction didn't immediately transform her face.
But he doubted he could have repeated it if he tried. And he knew Rachel could read lips anyway.
Her gaze, which had stayed locked on his during his confession, fell, and it was a light glistening along the delicate length of her eyelashes that let him know she had shed a tear.
She didn't make a sound.
He went to lift his hand, moving it to wipe the moisture from her cheek, but she caught his wrist and pushed his arm back to his side, shaking her head once.
"Rach-"
She gave another shake before she spoke, her eyes still purposefully averted.
"Why?"
His eyebrows pinched together, unsure of what exactly she was asking. Why had he done it at all? Why had he lied? Why had he waited so long to tell her? He knew they were all fair questions, but he wasn't sure which she was starting with.
He should have known she'd sense his confusion because after a deep breath she continued. "Why did you sleep with her?"
He gulped.
Why he'd lied or why he'd waited would have been easier to answer.
His voice was strained as he tried to put what he'd felt then into words. "I was angry. And jealous, and hurt." He forced himself to take a breath, though the whole process of inhaling and exhaling was starting to feel more difficult. "And I didn't think until it was too late that none of those were very good reasons for having sex. Especially not for the first time."
She looked at him finally, eyes covered in a glassy sheen, yet oddly vacant beyond the tears.
Which scared him.
"You were angry, jealous, and hurt?"
"Yes."
"Like I am now?"
It would have stung so much less if she had slapped him.
It was with a broken gasp that he answered, "Yes."
She continued to stare at him and he couldn't take the way it felt to see her eyes without a trace of warmth, without the love he'd delighted in just moments earlier. His voice was desperate, but slightly stronger, as he struggled to explain.
"It was such a mess, Rachel. I was furious that you'd wanted me for months, but were suddenly gone when I finally realized how much I wanted you too. I hated that I was to blame for that. That I'd taken so long, too long, to figure it out. I was going crazy thinking about you singing with him, and laughing with him. Kissing him, and letting him…. when I thought you….all when you should have been mine. When Santana propositioned me, I thought that if me being with her could cause you just a tiny fraction of the hurt I felt thinking you were with him, that it'd serve you right for you not waiting for me just a little bit longer."
He heaved a weighted breath, a stifled sob buried in the exhale, "But, God, Rachel, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that it happened. I regretted it immediately. It didn't mean anything. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you then, or any other time since. I was just so ashamed, so sick with myself, and I didn't want you to be too." Several tears had fallen now but he couldn't care. Those who thought men shouldn't cry had obviously never had something they were desperate not to lose. "I couldn't stand the thought of being without you again. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Rach. Please."
He reached out to touch her again, and though she flinched at his hand on her arm she didn't push him away. He scooted in closer, removing the last little bit of space on the bed between them and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, the tip of her nose. Her breathing was getting heavier, and she squeezed her eyes shut, and she'd move her head if he got too close to her lips, but she hadn't said she hated him and she hadn't run away, so he continued to press kisses where he could as his tears fell and mixed with hers and he murmured apology after apology into the quiet of the room.
But then she stiffened, then she whispered, "No," and repeated it with more force and volume when his kisses didn't stop.
He pulled back and held himself still as he watched her, not even taking a breath, for fear she was about to push his heart off the edge.
"Finn, I have to go."
And his heart fell into oblivion.
"No. No, Rach. Stay. We can talk this out. We can get through this. I love you, and you love me, and nothing is more important than that."
She must have started crying harder, because he finally heard the gasps and the hiccups as her heartache battled her own body. She began slipping off the bed and he was quick to follow her, he crowded beside her as she collected her things.
"Rachel, please don't go. You have to stay. It was before we were even together, damn it. And I'm so sorry. Please. Please…"
She stood up straight then, her shoes and her coat on, her purse and hat clutched tightly at her side, placing her other hand's fingers to his lips. Her eyes were no longer empty of emotion, but they were so wide and devastated Finn actually thought it might be worse.
Her voice, that he took comfort in usually for being so strong and so crisp, always so marvelously clear, was now paper thin and punched with holes. "I have to go, I, uh, need to think. And I just can't be here right now." she paused and he was stunned at how unprepared he'd been for the possibility that she'd hear what he had to say then leave.
"I do love you, Finn. And I believe that you love me. But I just need space or time or something. I…" her voice faded without finishing the thought and his eyes shut in pained resistance as her lips pressed a kiss against his forehead, and then he let her go.
TBC...