So, as amazing as tonight's e4 was... I mean Brendan moved in! I wanted him to actually ask Ste, be really shy about it. So yeah, I decided to re-write it because I'm a weirdo who loves her fluff and cuteness. :)
Trying a new layout. The 'you' layout. Second person I think it's called LOL not a clue...
It's took you just over two years to get to this place, this place you've wanted to be, but for a very long time refused to allow yourself - in a relationship with him. Your boyfriend. Your Steven. You couldn't imagine your life without him now, you mould together, you mean everything to eachother and looking back you understand how much of a cock you've been to him in the past. You've battered him black and blue, you've played him, used him, and you feel guilty for it. You don't want 'thing' you have now to ever end. You love him and you never want to leave him ever again.
You feel accepted into his little family unit now with his two beautiful children. You never saw yourself as the perfect dad, far from it, but these kids seem to actually like you; asking you to read them a bedtime story, allow you invade in their lives, it's almost like a second chance you never thought would come along. Leah's even started to call you Daddy Brendan. You don't a hundred percent agree that she should be calling you that, as cute as it is. You imagine Declan or Paddy calling somebody else 'Daddy' and it makes you feel sick to the core. Then you remember, Leah and Lucas have got one perfect dad and you hope that someday maybe you could be as amazing as Steven. That's one thing you love about your boy, how at ease he is being a father. He was a young one, like you, and you hope that maybe, someday in your future together you can learn a thing or two from him on fatherhood and improve your skills. Hopefully reuniting yourself with your two sons.
Looking into your future with Steven makes you smile and your heart beat faster. You know you will never get married again, it's one thing admitting you're gay but you don't see yourself actually marrying another man. You don't need a ring to show how committed you are to Steven anyway. You felt like you had to marry Eileen, she was pregnant and you was under pressure from your parents and the in-laws, with Steven it's different.
Make an honest woman of her Brendan.
She's having your baby Brendan, have the same surname.
That's why you done it. Forced, pressured, which ever way you'd like to look at it - you was told to do something you didn't want to do, and nobody disagrees with Seamus Brady, especially not you, the outcome would never be good. You knew you were always attracted to men, you'd always imagine Eileen was a man, always feel disgusted touching her, opening your eyes and seeing the body parts you didn't want to. You wanted a man, you were attracted to men.
Your mind darts back to the present time, how happy and content you are now compared to back then. Who are you kidding? You're the happiest man on the entire fucking planet right now. It feels wrong laying here on your bed in Cheryl's flat and not being in bed with him. You've spent quite a few nights at Steven's house now, you even have a few spare suits round there, allowing you to get ready quicker in the morning before work so you don't need to go home first. You just hate being away from him basically. Feeling his skin on yours, kissing down his body, everything just feels normal. This is your life now;and you bloody love your life.
There's one thing you hate about your life though; that one constant. Seamus. Your dad. He's still giving you those snide looks, the looks that basically scream out "My son. My son the faggot, who likes to fuck men." You hate him. You hate that he has basically made your decision for you, but you would have made the same one sooner or later anyway. You are going to live with Steven; and in time you are going to buy both of you a big house, more bedrooms, more space. But for now his little, homely flat will do. Wherever he is, you want to be there with him.
You've stood outside of his door for a good ten minutes, trying to figure out how to ask. How do you even ask a question like that? And what if he says no? What if you break up because he thinks you're trying to control his life again like back then? No. You have to do this, you work yourself up, take a breath and knock.
He opens it, grinning at you, obviously peeping through the window before hand. That smile never fails to make you smile back. You love him, you can do this. You can do this.
He hands you the coffee he's made you, eventually after an argument about how many sugars you should be having. You won obviously, you always do. You grin at eachother, making up without a word even being spoken.
"So you're round late, everything okay?"
"Yeah, just I dunno... wanted to see you I suppose."
"Me too." He smiles at you again, and your lips crack into one aswell. You fancy him more each day.
There's silence for a little while, you both drink your coffee. This isn't an awkward silence though, it's nice almost. It shows how much of a great match you are, you don't need words, the glances speak a thousand of them.
"You staying tonight then?"
Here it goes. The time; he has asked you to stay. This is the moment you're supposed to say 'forever Steven'. Yet you don't say that, you still don't know how the hell you word this question. After all, it's his flat, he should be asking you shouldn't he?
"If you want me to."
"Course I do."
"Good."
"Good."
That's that then. The end of that conversation.
You've turned to the beer now; but you don't want to be too drunk. You know what you're like when you're drunk. Everything spills from your mouth; you'll probably tell him your whole life story, but that's for another day. You don't want to do that when you've been drinking. Steven's a little bit tipsy though, he could never hold his drink all that well. Even when you wasn't technically 'going out' you remembered nights where you'd have to help to get him home after a few too many, stumbling over everything. Idiot.
"Steven I've been thinking..." You start.
"Oh stop thinking Brendan, your brain can't cope with that!" He laughs, that stupid, ridiculous laugh that you love so much. That pathetic laugh even turns you on to a degree. Hearing him do it when you're biting the inside of his thigh.
"Cheeky git. Yeah.. erm..."
"Sorry. I'm drunk. Go on what you been thinking about hm?"
He flutters his eyelashes at you. You know what he thinks you've been thinking about alot. You think about fucking him non-stop truth be told but not at this precise moment. You need to tell him.
"No Steven, not that."
"Oh."
"This is errr nice isn't it?"
"Nice Brendan. Yes very nice. Nice like you."
"You like me being around yeah?"
"Course I do you're my boyfriend. My sexy Irish boyfriend."
The word spills from his lips. There was a time you would have been disgusted to hear a boy call you that. Not now though. You secretly love it. You've changed.
"Yeah... me too. I like it here with you and the kids."
"Brendan?"
"Hm?"
"Brendan look at me."
You half don't want to, you're embarrassed in a sense. But you do it anyway. You look into his bright, blue eyes, staring at him with love.
"Ask me."
You feign confusion. "Ask you what?"
"I may be drunk but I know what you're hinting at."
"Don't know what you're talking about."
"Just ask me you've been hinting at it since you got here."
Do it Brendan. Do it Brendan. Now or never. You psych yourself up.
"I was thinking maybe I should, I dunno erm.. move in here?..."
There you've said it. It's out of your mouth before it's too late. Steven hasn't said anything though. He's silent. He obviously hates the idea doesn't he? Why's he made you say it then? Forcing you to say it. Fuck this, fuck your life.
"No."
You tilt your head back up looking at him square in the face. You'd expected him to say 'maybe sometime in the future, not now.' But not a simple plain no. He's cut you dead. You reply with a simple. "Fine"
"You know why?"
"Enlighten me Steven."
"You've hardly left since Dublin anyway. "
You know now. The little shit's teasing you, playing you at your own game.
"You've kinda like already moved in really, you're here when I go to sleep, you're here when I wake up. I mean all we're missing is..."
You don't even let him finish. You need to shut him up and there's only one way you know how to do that. You learnt it all those years ago. You stroll forward quicker than you ever have before placing each hand on a cheek and lean in, placing your lips to his. You deepen the kiss, feel the inside of the mouth, tasting all the beer he's had tonight. You finally part, still keeping your hands on his face.
"What was I missing? Didn't catch that."
He smiles up at you. "Your toothbrush, bit disgusting you use mine really."
"I'll bring it round tomorrow."
"And your clothes?"
"Yep."
"Aftershave?"
"Yep"
"Playstation?"
"Y... Oh I know you only wanted me for one thing..."
"And what's that?"
He's teasing you now, you know what you both want, what you're both going to be doing tonight. You stare him straight in the eyes, undoing his hoodie, never losing your gaze.
"I love you Brendan."
"I love you too, You little sod."
And you lead him to the bedroom. Your life is complete. You've got everything you've ever wanted. This is the start of your new life now, your new chapter and you for one can't fucking wait to see what it holds.
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