Summary: Cat can't sleep; Sam stays up with her. A conversation with a lot of twists and realizations.
Genres: Friendship, fluff, romance, slight angst, comfort.
Type: Drabble, verging on oneshot.
Author's Note: Just something I started writing because I couldn't sleep. Contains several references to past episodes, but isn't central to the story. If it seems too rushed or scattered, it's because I tried (too hard) to mimic the way real life conversations with my best friends often move too fast for us to catch up.
...
In the months that have passed since the beginning of Sam and Cat's friendship, the latter had developed a child-like habit of sneaking into Sam's bed in the middle of the night. Usually, the reasons were valid. Cat was afraid of many things - thunder, the dark, monsters, ghosts, and everything creepy - and Sam had learned that it was always easier to shut the redhead up by letting her sleep in her bed with her than by trying to stop her. Other times, however, Cat liked to move into her bed for more petty reasons, like having the sudden urge to braid Sam's hair, or see who was stronger in a thumb war.
Tonight, Sam's magnificent dream of a giant pizza making puns in the kitchen was interrupted by Cat's mouse-like movements in the dark room. Sam knew Cat's habits enough to sense her whenever she was close enough to the bed. She let out a frustrated groan and turned around to face her roommate, who froze in her steps and looked at her mischievously.
"No," Sam snapped, her eyes still closed tight. "Not tonight."
"But I can't sleep," Cat pleaded.
Sam peered through her eyes into the darkness, where she could slightly make out Cat's figure standing just close enough to the bed to hop in.
"Please?" the redhead added, bouncing in silent excitement.
Sam let out another groan, and then a defeated sigh. She had only two options: give in, or spend the rest of the night arguing. "Fine," she growled lazily. "You've woken me up anyway."
"Yay!" Cat exclaimed, eagerly slipping into Sam's bed, throwing the blanket over her feet. "I know what we can do to fall back asleep."
"Let's get it over with then," Sam deadpanned. "But if you touch my hair again I'll make sure you wake up with no eyebrows tomorrow."
"Jeez, Sammy," Cat said. She shook her head in fake condescension as she propped herself up on her elbow, smiling in amusement at the blonde. "Always so hot tempered."
"Well, you did wake me up," Sam replied. But even though she was agigated by the interference, she would be lying to herself if she said she didn't somewhat enjoy Cat's nightly boredom sometimes.
After all, they don't get to see each other too much on weekdays when Cat would have to go to school, and by the time they're done babysitting, they're usually too tired to do anything else, so Cat's inability to sleep sometimes gave them the opportunity to just hang out without interference.
"I'm sorry," Cat apologized, genuine and concerned. "Should I go back?"
Sam waved her arm off casually. "Don't bother. What do you wanna do?"
"Well... I was thinking, we could play Question Answer. We haven't in a while," Cat suggested.
Sam raised her eyebrows. Cat didn't normally like activities that involved talking because it always made her even less sleepy than she already was. Now that Cat was suggesting the Question Answer game, Sam couldn't help but wonder what was on her mind. "Alright. You go first," she replied.
"Okay," Cat said, pleased. "What's your favorite thing about living with me?"
Sam frowned. "You always start with that question."
"So what? Your answers are always different. I like them," Cat pushed. "Go on."
The reason that Sam always gave her different answers for the same question, of course, was because Sam had not bothered initially to remember all her previous answers. It took a while for her to realize that the more Cat asked the question, the more detailed and longer her answer would be. It reached a point eventually where Sam couldn't turn back and give an offhand remark anymore because she was afraid Cat would notice and feel hurt by it.
"Okay, let's see," Sam began, frowning and biting on her lower lip, getting deep in thought. "I like that you let me eat whatever I want, and you never complain about me clogging the toilet, and you've learned not to wake me up before you leave for school. I like that when you come home, you never ask me what I've been up to anymore because you know I don't do much until you're home, and you know that asking me that would make me feel guilty and useless. I like your weird sense of humor sometimes, and I like that you agreed to block my mother's phone number from calling our home again."
Cat had listened carefully to each word that Sam had recited. Like Sam, even she doesn't remember exactly what Sam's previous answers are, but she remembered enough to know that Sam always tries to mention a different point, even if it seemed like a trivial or meaningless point.
"My turn?" Sam asked, pointing at her chest.
Cat nodded eagerly for her to go on.
"You ever feel like you should probably kick me out?" Sam questioned, choosing her words carefully, but punctuating her question with a cheeky grin.
"Why would you think something like that," Cat replied, pouting at the ugly thought. "Of course not. What am I supposed to do without my Puckle messing things up once in a while?"
"Hey, I'm just sayin'," Sam shrugged. "You know I'm not the best roomie to live with."
"I could say the same about me," Cat argued, defiant, as if being the not-so-good roomie to live with was something to fight for. "Okay, then what's your least favorite thing about living with me?"
"Easy," Sam said, snapping her fingers. "The babysitting. I hate kids."
Cat frowned disapprovingly at Sam, and then a thought seemed to cross her mind. The frown quickly faded away. "What if we stop the babysitting, then?"
Sam turned to her. "You just skipped my turn, kid! And you know we can't do that, how else are we gonna earn the dollars?"
"Well," Cat inhaled, sitting up on the bed. "I was thinking it's time for me to call up my parents and see if they can continue sending me money, at least until I graduate and get a job, you know?"
Sam gulped awkwardly. She had never liked whenever their conversations strayed to Cat's parents. For one, it made her think of her neglectful mother, and two, it always made Cat sound a lot more serious and darker than her usual self. "I didn't know you were thinking that far ahead," was all Sam could say in reply. But she sat up too, knowing that Cat was finally getting to the point of the conversation.
"Yeah, I mean, we both don't really like it too much, right? The babysitting, I mean, " Cat explained.
"Right. Hate it, more like," Sam nodded, agreeing.
"So why do something we hate?" Cat asked, frowning, the look on her face growing more and more serious. "My parents never minded paying for my brother's stuff, I'm thinking I deserve their money too, right? Besides, we've been using too much of our money for Nonna's memory pills! I love Nonna, but it's not fair for you to be using your share too."
Again, Sam waved it off. "Hey, don't worry about me. That's the least I can do. Your Nonna is an okay lady. Kind of weird, sure, but she's okay."
Cat smiled at her and said nothing, taking in the moment and appreciating the fact that Sam was being a little sensitive with her for once and not putting up her usual tough-girl talk. "I'm still calling my parents, Sam."
Cat's voice seemed decisive and mature, it kind of scared Sam a little how different it sounded from the usually cheerful and airy Cat. "You do that," Sam said, nodding in understanding. She didn't really know what more to add to it, because she didn't think herself fit to give advice on family problems. She decided it'd be nice to change the topic before things got anymore darker. "So - my turn?"
Cat nodded.
"Okay, so you've talked about family enough - what about friends? Which of your friends are you closest to?"
"Jade. I mean - I think it's Jade," Cat answered, her eyes searching around the room for possible answers. Sam was relieved to see that it only took a few seconds for her to sound like her usual self again. "Maybe Ro-"
Quiet. Cat was so close. She glanced uneasily at Sam, knowing that if she had completed that sentence, the night would have gone sour really quickly. She knew firsthand how bitter Sam always got about her friendship with Robbie. It was just one of those taboo things in the house - the way Freddie Benson's name was a taboo too.
"Just Jade. Sometimes Tori, I guess," Cat finished.
Sam peered suspiciously into Cat's face. She had not paid much attention to the answer at first, as she had only steered the conversation that way to distract Cat from talking about family. But when Cat stopped so abruptly, it kind of alerted her. Now there was nothing else in Sam's mind but the thought of Robbie and Cat.
"Just wondering, was he your first kiss?" Sam finally asked, turning to look Cat full in the face now.
Cat bit her lip and avoided Sam's gaze. "I don't think so. I've kissed a couple of boys in the past."
"Really? Before Robbie?"
"I don't remember," Cat said, turning red. "By the way, Sam, you just skipped my turn there. Twice."
"Sorry," Sam replied, just now realizing how eager she had been to find out the truth. It occurred to her they've never had this conversation before - the stereotypical 'girl talk' just never seemed to pop in to any of their daily activities before – so now that she had the chance, she had quickly plunged into it. "Got carried away."
"Well, what about you? Was Freddie your first?" Cat fired. It was only fair, after all, that the both of them got dragged in the mess instead of just one of them dwelling in the awkwardness. They never quite got over the weirdness after the killer tuna fiasco, but reminding each other that they were both in the wrong seemed to always help the two to shut up about it.
Sam shrugged and nodded, her face solemn. "Not my proudest moment, I gotta say."
Cat giggled in her seat, picturing some overly romantic scene of Sam's first kiss.
"Your turn, kid," Sam pointed out, glad the brief moment was over with.
"Well, have you ever kissed Carly?" Cat asked fearlessly, like it was no big deal. "Just wondering, since you're all so close and all."
"Nope," Sam said, shaking her head firmly. "Carly's too much of a goody goody to do that stuff, I guess."
Cat nodded in agreement. "So I'm guessing you've never-"
"Hold up, kid, I haven't gotten my turn yet!" Sam interrupted, breaking into a grin. "You're moving too fast! So here - have you kissed any girls in your life?"
Cat immediately shook her head. "Not really," she said, although her voice sounded rather unsure. She scrunched up her face and let out a hum as she tried to think. "Unless you count that one time with your twin..."
"Melanie?" Sam exclaimed, clapping her hand to her mouth immediately after, realizing just how loudly she had reacted. "Melanie's the first girl you've ever kissed?"
"Well, yeah," Cat said, laughing slightly. "But it wasn't a big deal, though, I mean, it was only like, a peck, right?"
"So you've never kissed a girl before that?" Sam pressed in disbelief.
"Never," Cat answered. Firm.
"Ever?"
"Ever," Cat said. She looked Sam in the eyes for a few seconds, and then let out a laugh. "Jeez, Sam, why are you finding it so hard to believe? I don't go around blindly kissing people you know."
"I know," Sam nodded. "I guess I was more bothered by the fact that Melanie was your first girl kiss."
"Is that such a big deal?" Cat asked, noticing the way Sam's tone changed. Her words had come out in a muttered rush, and she had sounded more sullen.
"I mean, not really," Sam replied, faltering. Her eyes began to search elsewhere in the room, anywhere to avoid Cat's gaze. "It's just that she always manages to beat me to stuff. All the time." Sam let out a dry laugh, a sad and sarcastic sense of amusement.
"Like what?" Cat asked.
"Well – I mean, she kissed Freddie before I got to," Sam explained, letting out a long exhale of defeat. "And she's always first to my mom… It's like, it never mattered to her what I did and achieved, because Melanie's always done it before me, whatever it is. I don't know. Just stuff like that, I guess."
Cat nodded solemnly at Sam's words. The first time she had met Sam's twin, she hadn't had much time to really converse with her. Melanie left the next day because she had an exam to do, and Sam never really mentioned her again afterwards. It never once occurred to Cat that Sam could harbor such sad thoughts about her own family. It reminded her of the sad thoughts she had about her parents. And then she thought of Sam's breakdown during Yay Day a few months ago, and she began to wonder if Sam's mom always treated Melanie a lot better than Sam, and she began thinking about the lousy shovel and what wonderful gift Melanie might have received in place of that. It was all just such a sad affair.
So the two sat quietly in the darkness, breathing and thinking, feeling each other's silent presence under the blanket. They wondered how they could cover such a range of topics in so short a period of time, and as the seconds ticked by, each began to wonder how much deeper they could go into the other's stories. Both of them wanted to know how much trust the other had in them, how much more they could learn and empathize with.
So finally, "Sam?" Cat decided.
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna try something, and I know you'll get mad, but," Cat said, slowly. "You can hit me or push me off the bed afterwards, it's just-"
Cat swiveled slightly in her sitting position so she could face Sam properly, and swiftly leaned in, putting her hands on either sides of the blonde's jaws, and then she was lost.
Cat had always wondered what Sam's lips would feel like against her own. Now that she was able to finally find out, the niceness of the moment overwhelmed her and she pulled away before she could take it any further. Sam was too soft, too tender, too unlike the chapped and dry lips of the boys Cat had played around with in the past.
Sam pulled back instinctively, having not seen any of that coming at all. She had kind of guessed what Cat was getting at when Cat began speaking, but somehow she had just assumed the redhead wouldn't go through with it.
"Sorry," Cat apologized, touching her lower lip as she looked away from Sam's confused stare. "I just wanted to get that over with. You know - just so you can see that it wasn't really a big deal when your sister did it."
When she saw that Sam wasn't going to say anything about it, she began wondering if she might have scared her off. After all, it did kind of threw her off when Melanie did it months ago.
"Sorry," she said again. "That was dumb. Like me. Are you mad?"
"It wasn't dumb," Sam replied quickly.
The two continued to avoid each other's eyes in the next few minutes until they ran out of places to look at that wasn't the other's face. It was like a tennis match where the two seemed to be watching an invisible ball floating here and there across the room - anything not to look at each other.
Again, Cat decided on a different approach. She dared herself to once more face Sam, and even scoot closer to her. Sam didn't budge or seemed to mind, so Cat took it as a good sign.
"I'm going to tell you a story," Cat announced. "Okay?"
"Are we... still playing Question Answer?" Sam asked, unsure.
"Yes, and I'm going to beat you once and for all," Cat said, grinning. She took Sam's hand in hers and waited to see if Sam would protest. When Sam did nothing that showed she might push her off the bed anytime soon, Cat nodded to herself and went on. "Okay, so remember how we met?"
Sam nodded.
"And you know how you jumped in the garbage truck to save me from getting eaten by it?"
Sam nodded again. She wasn't sure what Cat was getting at this time, but she decided to go with it anyway. There was a kind of resolute determination in Cat's voice right now that she didn't really want to disrupt.
"Well, would Melanie have done that if it was her who found me?"
Sam looked up at the redhead, a solemn look on her face. Of course Melanie could never do a thing like that. That girl has her heart in the right place, but she had always lacked the guts that made Sam so 'crazy' to most people.
"Would she steal a whole furniture set off a TV show for me?" Cat went on, giving Sam's hand a light squeeze. "Could she do something like that? Could she intimidate a whole auditorium to pay attention to my play? Would she go to juvie with me?"
The answers to all those questions weighed in on Sam in a way that made her feel weird. She knew Cat meant to boost her self-esteem, but now she didn't quite know what to say in response.
"Look, Sam," Cat said. "It doesn't matter that she kissed me first. You found me first. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. Anyone could have tried and rescued me that day, but you were the only one crazy enough to jump inside the truck. You didn't only beat Melanie to it, you beat a whole street of people!"
Sam was feeling more and more weird about it by the second. It wasn't the bad kind of weird either, it was just the kind of weird you get when an adult stranger praises you in front of your parents, except Sam never had an experience like that, and so for her it was just... weird. She realized Cat was right - she was beating her effortlessly at Question Answer.
"Sam, you're the best thing that's ever happened to my life," Cat exclaimed, her voice getting choky and a heated sensation growing in her face. She could spill tears anytime now, but she didn't want to ruin the moment. "You. Not your sister. And maybe your mom doesn't know it, but you know it. And I know it. And I'm so, so thankful!"
Cat had punctuated that last exclamation by lunging forward and wrapping her thin arms around the stunned blonde, her chin resting snug on Sam's shoulder.
She had meant every single word she said, and she hoped that Sam could see that, because as the night went on, Cat began to realize that there was something in the way that Sam hated herself. It reminded her of the way she hated herself, too: not all the time, not openly, but just enough to put up facades that in the rare cases of either of them opening up, they could discover such different sides to each other.
Sam took a full three seconds to register everything Cat had said so far, and finally put up her arms around her to return the embrace. She still didn't know what to say, but she knew that she was very thankful too, and she was touched, and she was embarrassed, and she was content. All at once.
The next time Cat spoke, her words were breathed out, like a hurried gasp. "You're the one I need, Sam Puckle. Not anyone else." She planted a kiss on Sam's shoulder, and then pulled back and planted another on Sam's cheek, and quickly pulled her into a tighter hug. Like a ritual of some sort.
Sam could feel the exact spots where Cat's lips had touched her, and it burned her the way she imagined holy water burned the demons in her favorite horror movies. It sounds brutal, but that was what the kisses had felt like to her. She had felt too dirty, too stained and evil, to deserve Cat's soft and angelic kisses. But they worked.
"Cat," Sam finally spoke, her voice hoarse and her tone awkward.
Cat pulled back, wondering if she had done what she usually did with hugs - squeezing too tightly that the other person couldn't breathe - but when she saw Sam's face, it wasn't suffocated or strangled or even uncomfortable. In fact, it was a look she promised to treasure for the rest of her life, a look so genuine and so real it felt incredibly foreign coming from tough Sam Puckett. In that moment, she could witness firsthand the effect that her words and actions had made on Sam, and it showed in the way she was smiling at her.
"I'm sorry," Cat said anyway.
"Stop apologizing," Sam replied, and this time she was the one to lean forward and pull the redhead into a hug.
She kept the hug going for a few extra seconds, feeling Cat's arms wrap lovingly around her body in response, and then she moved her head away from Cat's shoulder and right to her face, closing the gap between her lips and Cat's.
This was no light peck. This was an act waiting to be carried out since what feels like a long time to the both of them. It felt like everything they'd been through and done together so far was a mere build up to this kiss. Sam had never kissed anyone the way she was right now kissing Cat, and she knew exactly why - no one else had meant to her as much as Cat did.
Cat was confused and glad. She was confused because she didn't think Sam would ever do it - all this time she had contented herself with hugs because she thought that was the closest they could get to each other's faces - and she was glad because the kiss felt worlds better than Melanie's.
When they pulled apart briefly for breath, Sam slipped in a "Thank you," and an "I'm so glad we're friends," and resumed the kiss with a grateful smile on her lips.
Cat smiled too, because she could feel Sam's smile through the kiss, and she reveled in the fact that no boy had ever kiss-smiled her before. So she put her arms around the blonde's neck and lied on her back, letting the weight of Sam's body cover her the way you let waves at the beach come at you.
Sam never knew there were so many ways and places to kiss someone's body, and her first few moments of exploration had been awkward and unsure at first.
Her mind fleeted momentarily back to her past romances, and she understood why. No one had loved her hard enough to do what she was right now doing with Cat. They may have loved her enough to kiss her lips, but they didn't try to love her enough to move beyond that.
Sam had fallen in love many times before. It was a varied range of degrees of love, but they were love all the same. But Cat... Cat was on a whole other level. For she knew that she didn't know Cat the longest, nor did she know Cat the most (her thoughts flickered to Cat's parents for a brief moment), but she knew that the 'zap', the moment that she impulsively decided it was going to be okay to room with her within the first twenty four hours of getting to know her... She knew that was an instant connection she wouldn't easily get with many others.
That night, Sam took her time touching what corners of Cat's skin she could reach, listening to Cat's accompanying gasps and humming. Sometimes she used the tips of her fingers, and then her lips, and a lot of times the tip of her tongue. Cat had embraced her in ways she never thought one human could do to another. She could sense Cat's craving with every light touch over her ribs and her neck, pulling her in, closer and closer until they were a mess of blonde and red, skin and skin, limbs and limbs.
Cat had always said she loved Sam, even from the beginning when they were barely even friends. She never said it using those three common words, but she had said it using a varied list of phrases. The phrase "I'm so glad we're friends!" is only one among many others. She also said it in the way she lingered at the end of hugs, she said it in the way she prepared Sam's food, and she said it in the many nights that she had snuck into Sam's bed.
She would watch Sam's sleeping face for a few moments and whisper the words at her. Sometimes it was a single word, said with such intense sweetness and adoration it would sound like a really short but effective poem, a single word like "Puckle". Other times, it was confessions.
"I'm so glad I met you."
"Don't ever leave me."
"I think I'm in trouble."
"I don't feel so alone anymore."
"Thank you."
She was never sure if Sam ever heard any of these, but she spoke them out to her every night anyway. If Sam woke up, it was only to ask Cat what she was doing on her bed. Sometimes she would let Cat stay, but there were a few times that she demanded to be let alone.
There were a lot of things Cat knew Sam hasn't told her about herself. And likewise, there were a lot of darkly secrets Cat meticulously kept from Sam. But what they did know about each other, they appreciated and believed in.
For now, this much is enough.
That night, when the two finally felt sleepy enough to pause their kissing, and Sam finally admitted defeat with Question Answer, the two girls fell quickly and deeply asleep, lying so close to each other they could merge.
They had their arms around each other and their bare feet touching underneath the blanket, giving off a kind of heat and warmth that the blanket couldn't provide them. They breathed in each other's scent, each other's choice of shampoo brand, and they breathed deeply as much as they could, because the two had never felt so alive, and to die right now would be a shame, and so they breathed the way they had kissed... hard and quiet and in sync with each other.
There was one brief moment before the two finally closed their eyes, though, a brief and seemingly insignificant exchange that actually became the reason the two had slept so well.
Shortly after the kissing, Cat had whispered, "One more question?"
And Sam had nodded for her to go on.
"You're not going to leave me anytime soon now, are you?"
Sam had smiled that genuine smile again and said in the softest and gentlest voice she could, "Kid, there's nowhere I'd rather be right now, than here with you."
...
Note: While writing this, I found that the song "Skiss 3" by Alice Boman really fit with the last few paragraphs, that I began imagining it the way TV shows end their episode with a heartwarming scene and an accompanying song you just can't name. Youtube the song and try it out yourself. Start from when Sam kisses Cat.