L.O.S.E
Voltar V.S. Toastar
By Emerald
"League of Super Evil!" the alarm clock chimed, waking Voltar out of a great dream he was having where he'd been voted the strongest man in the universe. Still suffering from these delusions, the sleepy Voltar tried to see if he could lift his bed with one finger. He found that he was no longer able to do this, but was very adept at dropping it on his foot when he tried.
Hopping on his uninjured foot, the red-suited arch villain left his bedroom and proceeded to the kitchen. He had slept in his costume the other night, something he almost always did after a particularly difficult night of villainy. Yesterday had been a perfect example; they'd spent twelve hours attempting to destroy a single ant that had invaded their 'fortress', and in the end came up empty handed. Except for the Red Menace, who found some fascinating paperclips underneath the couch.
As Voltar reached for a slice of his favorite brand-name bread, 'Holocaust Whole-wheat', he saw the intolerable insect from last night taunting him from the lip of a nearby coffee cup. It's mandibles curved upwards in a sly grin, and it dodged out of the way when Voltar threw his villainous bread at him.
"Insufferable insect. When is Frogg going to work out the kinks on that bug zapper of his?" he talked to himself, as all good villains sometimes do. A laser blast above the kitchen table told tales of the 'Frogg Zapper's' first use, and Doomageddon's seared hide had yet to grow back all it's hair after that little test.
While Voltar attempted to make himself some toast by putting a bread slice in the microwave, the Doktor in question walked into the kitchen as well, rubbing his goggled eyes gently with his clawed hands. He saw his magnificent leader's valiant attempt at the delicate process of toast creation, and shook his head in groggy dismay.
"How many times must I tell you, Voltar? You cannot make toast in zee microwave!" the brilliant Doktor Frogg, voice of reason and maniacal genius, lectured the commander in chief who was less than half his height.
"But Red Menace is already using the oven." Voltar whined as he pointed to the flashing red 'on' button on the stovetop. Frogg slapped himself in the face reflexively, temporarily forgetting that he had metal hands and nearly breaking his nose.
Indeed, the 'stoven' was currently cooking Doomageddon's breakfast meal of molten rocks and nuclear waste. Red Menace woke up before everyone else to feed the demon pet, because if Doomy was not fed before 8:00, he had a nasty habit of eating anyone that even came close to him. Some poor girl scout was still stuck in the creatures' stomach, never to be seen again.
"Look, I'll explain it for you one more time." Frogg spoke deliberately, as if talking to a particularly slow child, or a mentally retarded chimp. "To make toast, you need to put the bread into something called a toaster."
"Hmm, making toast in something called a 'toaster'? What a brilliant concept! Tell me more." Voltar requested, apparently not remembering the ten other times he had received this same lesson.
"Okay, see that thing on your left?" the doktor asked, Voltar spinning around on the table top to look at the refrigerator. "N-no. The left."
The second time was the charm, and the villain faced the correct direction. If he had looked up or down, Frogg would have been worried.
"Alright, so far so good. Now do you see the shiny metal box thing?" Doktor Frogg question, wiping his brow with a handkerchief because of the stress involved in such delicate operations.
"Duh, Frogg. But what does the blender have to do with anything?" the L.O.S.E. commander replied sardonically. Frogg may have attempted to strangle the diminutive leader if the Red Menace had not chosen that moment to enter the room, Doomageddon following not quite loyally behind. Not quite, because he had a death grip on the eager super villain's leg and was being dragged in.
"Not that there's any hurry, but has the stoven beeped yet? My leg is starting to hurt real bad." the Red Menace asked his two teammates, but making no move dislodged Doomy's vicious teeth from his leg. 'Better to lose a leg than an arm', his mother always said. He could still remember her, hopping around the house on her left leg in a perpetual game of hopscotch.
"No, I do not recall that it has. You may as well leave us two alone; there's some heavy learning going on here, and I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself thinking too hard." Voltar criticized his minion as he tried to plug the toaster's power cable into a bread slice. Then he turned the machine on, and waited for the electrical currents to toast the bread a golden brown. That, of course, never happened.
"Look Voltar, eet's quite simple. First you plug zee cord into zee wall…" there came a short gasp of surprise from the arch-villain, "then you simply take some bread and put it into zee hole at top. Push this lever thingy down, and then mission complete!"
He performed the motions as he lectured, and the bread began to began to heat up and become crisper by the second. Meanwhile, the stoven beeped and Red Menace took out a steaming pan full of super-heated materials to feed Doomageddon. The pet from hell leg go his death grip on the Menace's leg, and began to hurriedly gobble the steaming hot meal.
"It's working! It's working!" Voltar cried, head poised above the toaster slots as the toasting process reached it's climax. With a resounding 'bing', the toast ejected… straight into his left eye. "Oh God, it's burning my eye socket!"
"Don't worry, Voltar, I'll save you!" the menace in red shouted heroically, proving once more how little villainy he had in his heart. Then he grabbed his leader by the ankles and swung the back of his head into the refrigerator, the shock of the impact sending the crispy whole-wheat flying into Doomageddon's pan of food and melting on contact.
"Mutiny! Mutiny! The toaster has turned against me! Frogg, defend me with your noodly arms!" their leader shouted as he jumped out of Red's arms and backed his way a corner, pointed at the offending appliance.
"I hardly think that eet meant to attack, or even has zee artificial intelligence to do so." Doktor Frogg's goggles filled up with tears of laughter, and he had to take them off and drain them out before he could see clearly again. "Next time, be sure to-"
"Death to the turn-coat blender!" Voltar, and the screaming chainsaw he held, cut off the doktor in mid-sentence. The weapon wielding midget jumped on the counter and slashed brutally into the side of the toaster, the chain blades cutting into the metal casing and sparks flying insanely. Finally, a large explosion signaled the toaster's descent into hell, and Voltar stood cackling over the remains.
"Voltar, what have you done?!" Frogg screamed holding the pieces of his beloved appliance in his clawed hands. "That was our only toaster! And we don't have money to buy another, because you spent all our cash on that ridiculous novelty hat!"
"Hey, style like this doesn't come cheap!" Voltar answered, putting on his sequin pink pimp-hat and striking a pose.
"But… but no toaster means no toast, no bagels, no frozen waffles, and worst of all, no bacon!" Red Menace panicked, his gigantic hands covering both sides of his face in horror.
"No, bacon is made on the stove. We can still have that." Frogg corrected his partner in crime while Voltar tuned out their voices and imagined himself on a street corner hustling.
"Crisis averted!" came the happy reply, and then the eager menace took some frozen bacon and put it in the dish washer in a vain attempt to cook it to perfection. Frogg couldn't resist smacking himself again, and hit himself so hard to he fell to the floor unconscious.
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"No, Doomy! Bad Doomy! Let go of Doktor Frogg's skull!" were the first words the doktor heard when he woke up, besides his own pained screams. Everything was pitch black until Red pulled the gluttonous mutant off of his head, and then the semi-bright living room light assaulted his eyes.
"See, I told you letting Doomageddon wake him up wouldn't be a good idea. My
'hand in warm water' plan would have been much easier." Voltar's voice came next, chastising the Red Menace for sicking his pet on Frogg.
"Ohm, my head. Eet feels like eets been-" Frogg's pained mumblings were cut short by a stopping hand signal by Voltar.
"Eets, eets, eets." he mocked in the Doktor's odd accent. "Can you just cut the Peter Lorry imitation already? It's starting to annoy me."
"Eet took me years to get his voice down pat!" Frogg countered, not even pretending that the voice was his own creation.
"Yes, and we were all so proud of you." Voltar replied sarcastically. Sensing that an argument was brewing, as well as a pot of coffee back in the kitchen, the Red Menace decided to step in and stop the confrontation.
"C'mon, you two, why don't we get down to business? You know, we still have to plan our daily evil acts." the Menace stepped in the middle of the conversation, ignoring the glares of his two partners. "I've been thinking that we should go to the library and burn up every copy of the 'Twilight' series books!"
"No, Red, that would be doing the Earth a favor." the arch-villain threw that idea out the window, along with a piece of toaster shrapnel that had lodged in his chest. A man walking past the house stepped on it and began to scream for his mother.
"I'm sorry Red, but I can't think of doing anything evil until after I've had my grape jelly toast. But that's not gonna happen today, eez it Voltar?!" Frogg got up in the tiny man's face, glaring into his beady yellow eyes.
"Stop your complaining, already! You're a mad scientist, I'm sure you can whip up a new one with some of the parts around this shack." Voltar countered, gesturing to a pile of worthless scrap metal laying in the corner of the television room.
"Hmm, I suppose you're right." dejectedly, Frogg got up and walked over to the pile of assorted failed inventions and picked up a load of them in his arms, carrying them out of the room. "I'll be in my laboratory eef anyone needs me."
"Don't worry, we'll be fine." Red Menace answered, preparing to stick a fork into an electrical socket.
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"League of Super Evil!" the alarm clock rang once more, though how it had randomly turned itself on again after Voltar turned it off, none of them knew. Even stranger, immediately after the anthem played, Doktor Frogg came out of his lab with a square contraption in his arms.
"My latest and greatest invention eez finally complete!" Frogg shouted to the heavens, cackling manically as he held up a metal box that looked like a toaster but had as many buttons as a microwave.
"Gasp! Even greater than your electric laundry bin?!" Red Menace asked excitedly, remembering the clothes-bin on wheels that could hold a charge for all of three seconds.
"Even better than my electric tooth brush!" the doktor replied with pride, puffing out his non-existent chest muscles.
"Frogg, you didn't invent the electric toothbrush." Voltar contradicted him with a well known fact. Doomageddon sat next to him scrubbing the remains of a mole off his teeth with a 'Colgate' brand electric teeth cleaning brush.
"Hey, I don't contradict YOUR delusions of grandeur!" Frogg answered protectively, then he shook his head and got back on subject. "Anyways, I present to you zee most highly advanced and highly evil toaster ever, zee Toastar!"
"Toast-arrr? Is it a pirate toaster? Oh boy, I've always wanted to go on a swash-buckling adventure!" Red clapped his hands in ecstasy, already imaging all the plundering and Johnny Depp related adventures.
"Erm, no. Not at all. Not even close. Just… no." Frogg replied, barely able to comprehend the level of stupidity of Red's statement. While the Menace's shoulder slumped and his face took on an only slightly less happy expression, the doktor pressed a shiny red button on the side of the contraption, and it sprung to life.
There was a whirring of gears, the snapping of metallic parts in place, and what Voltar could clearly tell was a rip-off of the Transformers 'transforming' sound effect. Then the toaster had completed it's transformation from a regular toaster into Toastar, a bipedal robot with stocky arms and a blocky head, with blue LED circles of light for eyes.
"Good morning. I am Toaster, the toasting robot who toasts. How may I give you head?" were it's first words, heavily distorted by the static from it's junky sound box. Voltar, Red Menace, and Doomageddon were all highly disturbed by this, taking several steps back and looking at each other with worry.
"Urm, he was supposed to say 'toast your bread.' He he." Frogg explained, cursing the rush job he'd pulled to finish the robot before lunch. The three other members of L.O.S.E. wiped their forehead with relief, except Doomageddon, who wiped a scurrying mouse's forehead… with his claws. "Go ahead Red Menace, try it out!"
Doctor Frogg tossed a slice of Holocaust Whole-wheat to the eager giant, who walked up to the slightly threatening looking robot and handed the bread to it. Toastar looked at it, as if to first examine whether it was actually bread or some type of cardboard, and then inserted it into it's hunchback, whether the slots remained.
"Can you make it golden brown?" Red asked excitedly, already smelling the delightful scent of wheat being toasted wafting from the robot's vents.
"I wildge comply." Toastar replidged, his voice box causing all kinds of havoc with his speech. A few more seconds passed, during which nothing of interest happened, unless you count Red Menace joining the Canadian army and fighting a short war in Quebeckistan.
"Ding. Your head is readgy to be swallowed." the robot completed it's designated function, and a nicely crafted piece of toast popped out of the slot in his back, which luckily did not lodge itself in anyone's eye sockets this time. Red took the slice and examined it carefully for any defects.
"Hey, this isn't golden brown! This is… BRONZE brown!"" he finally shouted, holding up the toast for all to see. Frogg only raised one eyebrow in skepticism, and Voltar sighed reluctantly.
"Another failure, I see. It's too bad, but now it must be destroyed as well." Voltar said, whipping out his chainsaw again and revving it's engine. Toastar's eyed lit of red with fury and it adopted a defensive stance.
"No Voltar, don't anger it! It's much too powerful!" Doktor Frogg cautioned, but his words went unheeded as usual. The diminutive leader had already confronted the robot and was swinging his flashing metal instrument of death inches from Toastar's metal hide.
"Too powerful? Ha! What's it gonna do, shoot toast in my eye? Like that'd even hurt!" Voltar replied off-handedly, forgetting that exact same thing had already happened and had caused him excruciating pain. But this toaster had no need for such lowly weapons, as he was soon to find out.
"You challenge the mighty Toastar? Prepardge for ministration!" Toastar screeched, and then bent over to show Voltar the slots on it's back.
One second later, Voltar was laying on the sidewalk, burnt to a crisp, and there was a large hole in their secret lair's northern wall. He coughed, and dark clouds of smoke left his lungs in a hurry.
"Oh no! Voltar, are you alright?" Red Menace asked from beside him, kneeling down and holding his commander's right hand in both of his. From the house came sounds of Frogg's battle with Toaster. Judging by the many screams of 'oh my burning scalp' and 'for zee love of God, spare my eyebrows', the doktor wasn't winning.
"Red… Red! I need you to go in there and stop that rampaging toaster. You're the only one who can do it. I believe in you!" Voltar said, in what was very out of character for him.
"Really? You do, Voltar?" Red was shocked, as his leader usually didn't even trust him enough to bring in the groceries. Not since that time he'd spilt the milk and inadvertently caused World War III.
"Of course not! But I need someone to be my meat shield while I take another shot at him." came Voltar's reply as he stood up and brushed the majority of the soot off of his costume. The he snapped his finger and Red bent over for Voltar to jump on his back. They charged back into the house, the Menace screaming something about 'the glory of the Queen'.
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"Prepardge for your cinnamon demidge." Toastar spoke in monotone as he aimed his toaster cannons at Frogg's head, his words loosely translated as 'imminent demise'. Then, like a shining beacon of hope, the Red Menace crashed through the front door like a charging bull and knocked the doktor out of the way of the near point-blank blast.
"You've had your fun, Toastar! But now it's time to pull your plug!" Voltar told off the machine, though he continued to hide behind Red's back.
"Spool. I don't grunge on a power cable. I am an advantaged, super intelligent rowboat with combadge abilities beyondge your bee-leaves." Toastar spoke in frequently borken engrish, so full of itself that it failed to notice Doktor Frogg sneaking up behind him with a screwdriver.
"That may be true, but you run on cheap Rayovak batteries, just like my other inventions!" he shouted as he managed to somehow wrestle the robot to the ground and open up it's rear panel, ripping out the two double-A batteries that were the robo-toaster's only power source.
"Victoreedge!" Voltar shouted triumphantly, tongue-tied from listening to all of the nonsense that Toastar had spoken. The light slowly faded from the robot's eyes, and the machine remained still. Doktor Frogg picked it up in his hands and smiled at his companions and Doomageddon, who had sneakily disappeared during the carnage.
"Missions compl-" Frogg's sentence was cut off when the robot he held self-destructed in his face, sending him flying into the television set and electrocuting him as well. Voltar and the Red Menace just clapped as they watched the pretty sparks fly high, and listened to Frogg scream in pain.
"League of Super Evil!"
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Authors Notes: Hooray, my first new story after "Hit In the USA!" That'd be my second Kappa Mikey fan fiction, if you don't know. Make sure to read that as well, because it's ten times better than this.
Anyways, this is also my first L.O.S.E. fan fiction ever, and it's a one-shot. I don't know if I'll write anymore, but it was really just a fun experiment. I like the show well enough, so I figured I'd give it a try and this was the result. Hope you liked it, or at least didn't dislike it so much that you swore off of fan fictions forever.
Not much else to say in these author's notes, except damage control. The name 'Holocaust Whole-wheat' isn't a reference to the event in Germany, but rather the actual definition of the word: "wholesale or mass destruction". Also, I am obviously not a fan of the Twilight books. Finally, I did my best job to keep the characters in-character. I.E., acting as they do in the show. However, I do realize that Voltar acts a bit more stupidly than normal in this fan fiction, but that's due to the fact that this story is funnier that way. Okay, that's all I've got. For real.
Long live America! Read and review!