The Heart's Battle
This is inspired by ObsidianSickle's brilliant story: Blind. The story is beautifully written and is the most romantic story I have ever read. You should check it out if you haven't read it before. My words can never do her credit.
This is what I have in mind after reading her last few chapters and this is a little introspection on Sakura's feelings, added with a few personal touches from my personal experience.
This time I tried to eliminate all grammatical mistakes I can find. I hope I have improved.
Disclaimer: As much as I want, I don't own Naruto. If it's up to me it may have to be renamed Sakura.
Sometimes all you want is to express. There is suddenly an unexplainable need to write something down. Now is one of those times. In 3a.m., when all you wanted when you first fell into bed was to sleep, was to rest peacefully and replenished your exhausted body. You know you need the rest to ensure that you can function properly next day and you know that you have an impossibly long day ahead- who knows what life will have installed for you next day? - However, you just can't. Your heart is refusing to rest. You cannot tell your heart to stop functioning and stop for even just one minute. Sometimes it seems that your heart is an entirely different being that is out of your ability to control. Your heart always chooses the worst possible moment to lose control and go wild. But that's makes your mind so important, so unique to everyone.
This is not a dairy entry - of course one of your professions never has the luxury to indulge in such trivial things. Not that you can afford the time and effort to even if you want to. So all you can do is to ignore the small part. The most human part of you, that screams at you for release, for wanting to just talk to someone for something as uncontrollable as your feelings. But again, you can't afford the luxury. Not that you have anyone to turn to anyway. So even if you have denied times and times again and rationale with your heart that this is not the time to do something like this, you have more important things to take care of, your thoughts keep sidetracking to your feelings. No matter how hard you tried to bottle it up and tell yourself that you should stop dreaming and you should focus, focus on what you have instead of something entirely out of your reach.
However, there is just so much emotions that a heart can bottle up. Heart always chooses its battle wisely. It only strikes when the mind is less prepared and the heart wins every single time. No matter how hard the mind tried. This is how a woman's heart works. No matter how normally rational and objective she is.
So it is one of the times that your heart deemed it worthy to strike and wins.
Here you are sitting on your bed, pillow popping up behind you in front of the wall supporting you, a laptop on you lap, and for apparently no sound reason typing furiously.
There's just so much a heart can afford to keep. So when it can have it no longer, it screams for release. And you must heed its needs.
The heart is screaming at you to face your deepest desire.
The one that you know deep down you are deeply and madly in love with.
The one, who in no way objectively, is perfect, but in your mind, he is perfect, more than perfect to you.
It is because he is who your heart desired most.
The one that holds your heart without knowing, without trying - without caring.
The one that always manage to make you smile, the mere sight of him makes you grin like crazy. With him, your smile comes more frequently than ever, your smiles brighter, your eyes sparkles, your entire being softened. No one can make you feel like he does. With him, you feel you are the luckiest girl in the world; with him, all you want is for time to stop and froze; with him, you can think of nothing else.
However, he just doesn't seem to care. You keep telling yourself that maybe he is just not that into you. After all, you are nothing but a friend. And you dare not take one single step further, lest you should lose what little you can have.
At times, when you are feeling optimistic, you try to focus on signs, small actions that he might return your feelings. You tell yourself that the benefit of doubt is enough to keep you going.
Though deep down you know that without him, a certain void in your heart can never be filled.
You know all along that he is the only one that can make you complete.
You are happy with him, with what little tender moments you spend with him, but deep down you know that is not enough, far from enough.
Just like what you have been told, even if you are happy now, you are also hurt.
And just like what you replied to that certain someone, that your love is enough to keep you going on. You know that deep down your heart, it's screaming that you have been told the truth, the harsh truth, the truth you don't want to face but have to eventually.
For now, though, all you can do is to express. And hope that after countless night spending on merely expressing, you will find the courage to eventually confess your feelings to him.
For now, you can still dream that maybe, just maybe one day he will realize that he is in love with you all the time and confess to you with rose and ring under the moonlight - and your mind is again screaming
at you for dreaming; and your heart argues that this is merely wishful thinking.
Though somehow the heart recognize that this is not a battle it can win and is voice is impossibly low....
'One can always hope..........................................right?
Till next time.
I will appreciate it if anyone take the time to review.
I hope it's okay for me to directly quote something from ObsidianSickle 's work. It's from chapter 61 of Blind.
This is the work of ObsidianSickle , not mine.
I couldn't help including this at the end as it is what inspired me to write this.
It makes my work so pale in comparison, everyone should read Blind!
"What'd you want to talk to me about?" Sakura asked, smiling a little at her brother's nervous ramblings.
"I wanted to tell you why I even brought it up with him to begin with," Kanaye said, shuffling his feet a bit, "Or rather, I want to ask you a question which is related to why I brought up the argument."
Sakura nodded slowly, "Okay, shoot."
"How much pain are you in?" Kanaye asked, his tone suddenly turning somber.
Sakura found herself stumble in her mind, completely caught by surprise. She couldn't think of how to answer that, she couldn't even think of what he could mean by that.
"W-what?" she spluttered eventually, finding something to answer.
"How much pain are you in?" Kanaye repeated, and then when she still remained confused he closed his eyes and sighed: "It's like this, Sakura: I see you here, with me, happier than ever. Your eyes are bright and your smile comes easily. But I see the light in your eyes come faster, brighter when you see Uchiha Sasuke. And every word that comes from him makes you smile, more so than when the words come from others. And don't think that I haven't noticed that every time he touches you, your face mellows out. But for all that, he has never reciprocated your feelings has he?"
Sakura was still too surprised to formulate an answer—she didn't say anything.
"I thought so," Kanaye closed his eyes, "I know you are happy now, but I refuse to believe you are completely happy, Sakura. You love being with Sasuke, but to love him and not have him love you back, I know is hurting you. I just don't understand how you tolerate that amount of pain."
Sakura was silent for a moment. So that's what this was about. She firmed her mouth into a hard line. Yes it hurt, and sometimes she was painfully aware of it. But then she'd remember the look on Sasuke's face when he had called her beautiful, or the peace on his face when she'd sing for him, or the way he held her tight every night as they fell asleep.
"Because," she said finally, "The love I do receive is enough to keep me going."
I wish I will have the courage to confess to the one I love one day. I just couldn't help feeling attunded to Sakura here, and it's so brilliantly written that it moved my heart.