Rating: PG
Summary: About a year or so after returning home, Chakotay learns how something can happen around
the holidays when you least expect it.
Copyright 2000 Cassatt
Christmas in Indiana
"Merry Christmas Eve morning." Chakotay turned to the doorway at the sound of her still sleepy voice. He felt blessed as he did every morning to see the love of his life walking into his open arms.
"I didn't realize today was something that needed to be merry, too, Kathryn." He kissed the top of her head as she wrapped herself tightly around him with a sigh.
"Oh, definitely. Christmas Eve can be very magical. It's more than just anticipation. The day has a state of grace all it's own." She smiled up at him. "And what's that I smell? Pancakes? You are a prince..."
"I thought that might get you up. Gretchen gave me the recipe. I've had one, waiting - they're delicious."
Their warm good morning kiss was interrupted by a large furry body attached to a cold nose nuzzling his way in between them. Laughing, Kathryn bent over and rubbed his front flanks vigorously.
"Seamus, you mush head! Good morning to you, too." The dog wagged his tail in high gear. "He's been out already I assume?"
"All of us have. Another snow experience for Koko to put in her journal, I'm sorry you missed it. She was too funny, Kath, sinking up to her chest giving me the dirtiest look while this big lug bounded around licking her head. She actually hissed! Haven't seen that in months. I think she's so far voting for Taos and Petaluma over Indiana winters..."
They both looked with affection to the feline curled up serenely in her basket next to the stove, her ears following each word. Kathryn and Seamus went to give her some attention which she accepted as only she could. With the loudest purr in the Alpha Quadrant both proud parents assured all of their friends. As Kathryn poured her coffee she watched the dog curl up next to the basket after cleaning his friend to their mutual delight.
"Hard to remember what they were like not nine months ago, isn't it Chakotay?"
"Spirits, don't remind me, please."
"You think they'll like their presents?" she asked him for what he believed was the hundredth time. Serving their steaming pancakes he began to laugh, finally losing control over the topic.
"Kath, I'm sure they'll love them. Catnip and dog treats, what's not to like? Stop worrying!"
She conceded, joining him with a chuckle of her own.
They took Seamus for a long walk that morning through some woods nearby, following a well-trodden path forged by prior hikers and dog owners from the neighborhood. It was one of those wonderful winter days, clear and not so cold to freeze your nose but cold enough for the snow to stay fluffy. The sun made its way through the bare branches sparkling on the ground, warming their faces slightly when it hit them.
Chakotay saw the beauty around him, felt the love coming from the woman at his side, smiled to see their dog trotting through the trees searching for something important at every turn. Yet still he felt an empty spot just below his breastbone, sort of a small, dull ache. Not big enough to make him worry just big enough to invade the peace that was almost everywhere else inside him. Perhaps it was the holiday beginning tomorrow that made the ache seem more pronounced. And in terms of Christmas Eve he didn't see how this day was different than any other, and certainly not particularly magical.
Kathryn looked at the man walking by her side, the man she loved more than anyone else in her entire life and could see a small point of pain in his eyes. Just a little extra crinkle in the corner or maybe it was actually a different color in the depth of brown, she wasn't sure. She just knew there was something. She'd seen it for the past few days and as the holiday got closer it became more obvious. At times, visiting with her family or curled up together on the couch at home with Koko on his stomach she saw it fade away altogether. Then it would come back again. She hoped her surprise would take it away completely, banish it from his heart for a long long time. For she was fairly confident she knew the source. It had nothing to do with their relationship or their long term plans. It probably had a little bit to do with the talk of the past week but only indirectly she thought. He was feeling lost, his Voyager family scattered and his own blood kin dead and long gone. She squeezed his hand tightly and was blessed by the sight of a deep smile gracing his face showing both dimples.
"I love you, Chakotay."
"Thank you. I love you, too. Are you having a good time?"
"Absolutely. You?"
"I'm enjoying the chance to spend more time with your family. I've missed Phoebe and Brian is a good match for her, isn't he? And of course the love your mother showers me with is almost overwhelming."
"She's quite smitten, honey. So do you think you'd be interested in coming to the evening service with me and Phoebe? Brian is meeting us there from work and if Erin and Bill arrive in time they'll meet us there, too."
"I don't know, Kathryn. Organized religion and I really don't mix very well..."
"Maybe I've given you the wrong impression about it. The midnight mass that the whole family is going to is the strictly religious service. That'll be at Holy Names. The evening service is held by a different group completely. Phoebe found them. They're not organized at all."
Chakotay chuckled one of his deep ones which brought out a laugh from her.
"I didn't mean it that way! They don't have any organized structure defining them. Just a group of people wanting to celebrate the spirituality of the night, it's a candle lighting service. No sermon, only music. Phoebe says it's a wonderful experience. Will you go with me?"
He was quiet for a few minutes. "As long as it doesn't interfere with my own beliefs I'll give it a try. To be with you, and lighting candles is something I can relate to." He grinned at her.
"Thank you. For being willing. I don't think you'll regret it."
Kathryn was getting small butterflies in her stomach as they cleaned up from a light lunch. She kept checking the chronometer in the kitchen, watching the numbers change more slowly than they had on Voyager. She prayed that everything would go according to the extensive plans that had been made by all concerned.
She picked up pet toys from the living room rug, straightened up the couch yet again and connected the tree to the power circuit, smiling as it lit up the corner of the room. She sent Chakotay out to the porch to refill the wood carrier over his small protestations, convincing him that a fire in the afternoon was just what she wanted to be the happiest woman on Earth. She chided herself as he pulled his shoes back on, telling him in her head it would all be worth it in the long run. She tried to make it up to him by helping him set the fire but he laughingly asked her to give that up knowing exactly how he wanted the logs to be placed. He may not be able to start a fire in the wild without a lock of her hair but he knew how to set a good one in a fireplace. Each of their three homes had one, used regularly with great enjoyment.
With only 15 minutes to spare she asked him to light the fire, moved a floral arrangement to the center of the dining room table and dashed upstairs to check her hair, a small act of vanity that she allowed herself. She heard the doorbell chime and went to the top of the stairs to listen. As Chakotay opened the door she headed down. All of their planning was worth it to see the look on his face. Pure joy.
"B'Elanna! Tom! Harry! What the hell..." They all took turns enveloping each other in bear hugs, Kathryn joining them amidst the tumult of "Merry Christmas!", packages dropped, coats stripped, more hugs and kisses, little Alise Torres-Paris cooed over by her godparents. Chakotay turned to Kathryn and she saw the pain simply disappear right before her eyes.
"You're welcome" she mouthed to him with a radiant smile. No words were necessary from him, she saw it all and he knew it. He beamed at her.
As he turned back to the guests, bringing them into the living room, everyone almost talking at once, she dashed back upstairs to get the secret stash of presents grabbing two bags full and quietly taking them to the tree. One more trip was needed and she heard the door again from the spare bedroom. She took what she needed and raced back downstairs to greet the next wave.
Neelix, Samantha, Naomi and Annika came in with the same whirlwind of activity. Naomi, after giving Chakotay and Kathryn a very big hug headed straight for Alise, taking the toddler by the hand and going for the dog to play. Seamus was, luckily, very gentle with children and put up with their mild roughhousing good naturedly, tail thumping against the floor continuously. Koko, on the other hand, had retreated to a high bookcase in the living area watching everyone intently, tail occasionally flicking in disgust at the hubbub.
After another short period of constant talking the door chimed for the last time. In came almost the final member of the senior staff, Tuvok, who had spent the fall teaching at the Academy, his family having moved from Vulcan for the duration. With him was the caterer and thus the party was complete as food and drink were brought in and spread out over the dining table. Neelix was most intrigued with the idea and followed the poor man out to his hover-van peppering him with questions until Kathryn went out dragging the Talaxian back inside to the grateful relief of the caterer. And then B'Elanna and Tom pulled out their surprise - the mobile holographic emitter that they had 'lifted' from Starfleet.
"It sometimes doesn't hurt to have a father who's an Admiral..." Tom laughed. They brought the Doctor online and handed him the holographic imager which he proceeded to use almost continuously.
The hours went by all too quickly for Chakotay as the day filled with games, talk, laughter, drink and lots of present opening. At times he wanted to, by some miracle, slow it down. When that mood struck he sat back and watched everyone enjoying themselves, relishing the moments he observed as his family celebrated the holiday together. Though it was not a holiday that meant much to him either religiously or culturally he was beginning to see what it could mean in other ways. The past celebrations on the ship could not really be compared to this.
Naomi successfully enticed Koko down to a lower shelf with ribbon where they had great fun teasing each other to squeals of delight from Alise. The Doctor and Annika did their own renditions of a few traditional songs to everyone else's delight. B'Elanna and Tom shared their good news, another baby on the way. Harry shared his - he had finally found the woman of his dreams, he hoped. Tuvok put together a killer team and won at charades, as usual. Neelix regaled everyone with stories of his experiences as a volunteer at Naomi's school which Sam embellished with the perspective of the parents. Their unrehearsed comedy act was extremely funny.
The sun set, more food was consumed, the last of the presents were opened, Alise was put down for a nap upstairs. It was coming on early evening and Sam, Naomi, Neelix and Annika were the first to leave amidst promises of another get-together within the next couple of months. Kathryn and Chakotay stood on the porch watching the hover-car take the group to the transporter hub, waving to Naomi whose face pressed against the window until she rounded the corner and was gone from view. Tuvok left very soon after that as his family was expecting him. He and Kathryn had a quiet moment together saying their goodbyes. She still found it hard to do that, maybe it was his stoicism that made her emotions seem all the more intense, she wasn't quite certain.
She came back into the warm house to quiet talk, a gentle fire still burning with a dog curled up directly in front and a cat now parked in her favorite spot, Chakotay's lap. Kathryn and Koko had an understanding, however. The cat left when it was the human's desire to be in that favorite spot no arguments allowed. The Doctor had been taken back off line, the holoimager would be downloaded and copies sent to everyone by Tom and B'Elanna.
After putting some food down for the animals in the kitchen Kathryn told the three remaining friends about the service that started in another hour. To her and Chakotay's pleasant surprise they asked to come along if only a babysitter could be found for Alise. Kathryn had no doubt that Gretchen would do it in a heartbeat and went to call. Of course she agreed. Coffee and tea was served, talk continued until it was time to bundle up, say goodbye to the newly arrived babysitter, tell Seamus he was in charge of guarding the house and walk into town.
The evening was more beautiful than the day. There was an almost full moon which was so bright that the snow sparkled even between street lamps.
"You know, Kathryn, after all these weeks I still can't get over how different this snow is from snow at Lake Tahoe." Chakotay held her hand tightly as they walked.
"Honey, how much wine did you drink tonight?" This response elicited a chortle from Tom.
"Not enough to cloud my perceptions. Maybe it's just the trees, something seems so different to me. More like true winter here... it's beautiful."
Tom finally understood and agreed with him, as did Harry, both of them having spent a good amount of time at Tahoe in their youth. Kathryn relented and apologized for the vino remark which got her a strong arm around her shoulders pulling her in for a kiss to the top of her head. She relished the momentary closeness.
The wooden building they entered looked warm and inviting after their cold walk. In the vestibule they were all greeted by Phoebe, Erin and Bill, renewing the acquaintances made during Chakotay's trial. Kathryn's cousin Erin and her husband had just arrived from Petaluma and gave Chakotay and Kathryn current news from the neighborhood along with welcome hugs and kisses. Bill had found them another caretaker for the house who seemed to be working out well but he told Chakotay that he fully expected payment for his trouble with at least 5 matches of hoverball. A renegotiation resulted in agreements from Tom and Harry to join them in doubles for 3 at least. After Brian arrived and introductions made they all went into the sanctuary.
Chakotay was slightly disconcerted to see the room had some similarities to a church but as he sat and took a good look he could see the differences more distinctly. Though they sat in wooden pews they were curved and there were no hymnals. The center aisle led up to a podium, two long tables, a large free-standing candelabra, a large round candle already lit behind it and a small chorus who were singing as people filed in. His eyes traveled to the stained glass windows on either side and he recognized figures from ancient Earth and Vulcan mythology. There were also symbols of the various Earth religions, a Klingon or two, and even some pagan rituals depicted. There was the scent of pine in the air with garlands draped generously around, all lit. The ambient lighting was gentle giving a warm glow to the place. He looked to B'Elanna sitting at his side, pleased to see her eyes widen at the sight of Klingons in the windows.
"Amazing place, Chakotay." she said softly to him with a smile.
"I'm glad you're here, B'El. I've missed you." She squeezed his hand in response and he settled back with a sigh.
Kathryn's family sat directly in front of them so conversation, though muted, could happen easily. They whispered amongst themselves until they noticed the singing had stopped and people were getting quiet. Chakotay and Kathryn simultaneously took a few deep breaths then smiled at each other in recognition.
"Thank you, Kathryn, for talking me into this..." he whispered in her ear giving her a quick kiss on the hand.
"Thank you for coming. Merry Christmas Eve, Chakotay." She smiled and his heart melted for the billionth time at the sight.
The service began as six people in robes of different colors walked to the podium. The first person in a robe of white described the ceremony to the people gathered. The candelabra would be lit, each candle representing something that people could wish for either just for that night or for the coming year. The actual ceremony involved the simple act of lighting another candle from the flame of that which you desired, the act a completely personal one.
The woman in white talked about peace as she lit the white candle near the center of the candelabra using the flame of the large round candle. She quoted from literature and from different spiritual writings. As she spoke the chorus hummed quietly. There was a distinct change in the room, a settling of energy. It was mesmerizing.
She was followed by an older man in purple speaking on clarity, lighting the purple candle, another in blue on health. An older woman in green spoke of honoring those who have passed on and after that a teenage girl in yellow on prosperity. The final speaker was a young man in red who spoke of love and lit the final red candle.
The chorus began singing softly again as the first pew of people stood up and headed into the aisle, taking small candles from a basket hanging on the end of the pew. The sanctuary was quiet as this first group walked up and lit their candles, placing the lit ones in trays of sand on the tables. Pew by pew left their seats and followed. The front of the room took on a brighter glow as candles accumulated on the tables.
Chakotay, Kathryn and their family sat quietly, each one thinking about what they desired, which flame they would make their own. Harry decided on red as a symbol of his personal hope for the coming year. Tom also decided on red feeling particularly blessed with another child on the way. B'Elanna chose red for the same reason, unknown to either at that point, and green to honor her mother and her Maquis friends who had died. Chakotay chose white, purple and green, hoping the ceremony would help him settle some things he and Kathryn had been discussing over the past week as well as honoring his tribe. Kathryn decided on green and purple, wanting to maintain the clarity that she had fought so hard to reach.
Phoebe's row stood up and headed out with warm smiles passed between that pew and the one behind it. After a few minutes it was their turn and they followed, the line moving quietly, the singing continuing, small white candles taken from the basket, smiles given between each other, gratitude passed as well that they were participating in this ritual together.
Harry was first and as he lit his candle from the flame of love he prayed that it would be true as he believed it to be, this time. Tom followed sending love behind him to the tiny life in B'Elanna, praying he or she would thrive and to the love of his life. B'Elanna, taking the flame of first the green candle was suddenly overwhelmed with memories, grateful she could do this and grateful she had left the red one for last as the love she sent to her husband, her daughter and the new life she carried swept some of the pain of loss aside. As she placed her last candle in the sand she turned for some reason to look at Chakotay next to her.
Chakotay was lighting from the green candle. As he chanted softly to himself, "Akoochimoya, I honor my family..." he found himself unable to move, immobilized by emotions. Both B'Elanna and Kathryn noticed and immediately came to his side, touching him, stroking his arms and back, helping him return to reality. Tom grabbed Harry who spun, saw what Tom did and also went back to stand behind their friend feeling protective though no one in line was doing anything other than stand quietly and patiently. After a minute and some deep breaths Chakotay nodded to the two women he loved most. B'Elanna moved away, Tom and Harry slowly walking with her occasionally glancing over their shoulders to reassure themselves he was okay. Kathryn stepped back and quietly Chakotay placed his green candle in the sand, lit from the purple with a prayer for clarity and from the white with a long prayer for peace to permeate his soul. As he placed them in the sand he stood and gazed at the three candles for a moment letting the flames merge together as his eyes blurred, then stood aside waiting for Kathryn.
Kathryn lit from the green as well saying her own prayer to honor her father, her ancestors and Justin. The purple candle still beckoned and as the flame became her own she sent a prayer of thanks for the clarity she felt and a desire that it never leave her again. She placed her candles next to Chakotay's in the sand then took his waiting hand and walked back to sit. As they settled in the pew B'Elanna took a moment to lean into Chakotay's shoulder and he was grateful for the contact. He clutched Kathryn's hand tightly, his mind full of images, his heart peaceful. But he needed something.
"Excuse me, I'm going outside for a few minutes before the closing." He gently pulled himself away, grabbed his parka, kissed Kathryn who smiled serenely at him and headed for the door. Once outside he took a deep breath and gazed upwards.
The moon was bright with wisps of clouds moving across, backlit, every detail noticeable. He looked beyond the moon towards Trebus allowing the images of his village to come forth freely, almost being able to see details of faces as he blessed each of them. He somehow thought he had already done this a long long time ago but the talk over the past week made him realize differently.
"Father, what should I do?" he asked again. Three vision quests had only resulted in small arguments with Kolopak, a sign his heart and his mind were at odds. He sat on a very cold bench in the courtyard and closed his eyes. "Please, Father, I'm ready to listen..."
Chakotay, my son, I always tell you the same. Listen to your heart, not your head. Trust Kathryn, trust yourself. You deserve it...
He suddenly knew what was right, laughing at himself that it had taken so long to allow the truth to be reality. "I'm very stubborn, Kolopak..." he chuckled as he rose. He took a moment to send thanks to his ancestors, to his people, to his father. There was a little boy whom Kathryn had been told needed a family desperately. He walked purposefully back towards the door to tell her that he agreed, they would be his family, he would be welcome with open arms and they would do the best they could by him.
"Merry Christmas Eve indeed, Kathryn, my love..."
The end.
