The Argument
By Robin Wright
Author's Note: I have no idea what to say about this. It's just.... weird.
Okay, so here I am with a blank computer screen. There's not much for me to say... What can I do with Link and all of his friends this time? Man, I am fresh out of ideas. I hate writers' block....
"Hey, Robin!"
What? Who is that? I must be going nuts or somethin..
"No, you're not. It's me, Link."
Ha! You don't even exist, but just the same, to appease my strange side.. What?
"When are you going to put me in another predicament, already?"
Predicament?
"Yeah, you know the odd spots you always throw me into.. You know, I'm beginning to think that you like to make things hard for me! Do you have any idea how long Malon laughed at me after that dumb 'A Separate Love' piece?! Come on, give me a break!"
Uh, um... I'm the writer, and I say.... shut-up!
"Hey, you created me. If you wanna shut me up, just hit delete."
..........
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
Uhhh....
"Ha! I knew it."
Knew what?
"That your brain is fried."
So what else is new? This is getting too weird. Link isn't real, he isn't talking to me, I can just hit the back space key...
"Hey! Are you still there?"
Must-hit-back-space-key!! Hey! It's not working!
"Hehehe"
What did you do?! My key is stuck! Now I'm gonna have to get my keyboard fixed!
"Don't look at me! I'm just a figment of your imagination."
Yeah, you didn't do that, and my name is Bill Clinton. Fix the key already!
"Uh-uh."
Do it, please?
"Nope."
Aw, come on!
"Forget it."
Pretty please with strawberries and blueberries and chocolate fudge and whipped cream, and hey, that sounds good....
"Come back!"
.................
"Well, looks like she's gone. Man, now what am I gonna do?! I can't stay trapped in here without a plot forever! I've got maidens to rescue! Evil to vanquish! Red-haired girls to kiss! When in the world is she going to get past her writers' block?! This isn't just killing her, it's killing me! I mean, I know a lot of her stories suck, and she puts me in the worst positions, but at least my life is interesting that way... Sure, there are lots of writers out there, but they have different versions of Link. I'm Robin's version. I'm one in a million, and for good reason... I admit, I am rather handsome... Where is she?! I'm getting impatient. Hurry up with whatever it is! I'm dying on this screen! All I'm doing is rambling to myself! I hate this. I'm just so idle lately...
"You know one thing I've always wondered? Why does she always write from my point of view? Why not someone else's? Am I really that interesting? I mean, she's not even a guy; how can she know how I feel about stuff? She'd be better off writing about Zelda, or Malon, or some other female. Ugh... this is soooo boring. There's nothing to do here. I swear, I'm going to go insane if she doesn't get over her writers' block soon. If she doesn't, I'm going to have to write the shorts myself. And that would be really odd. Oh good, here she comes now."
I'm back. Now, where to begin?
"How about with me, scaling the castle walls?"
Naw, it's been done too many times.
"How about me taking Malon in my arms and..."
Forget it. That can only lead to one thing, and I don't want to go there.
"You gave me a rotten libido, ya know."
That was uncalled for. And might I mention, dirty! Hold your tongue, Link! It's when you talk like that when I think I shouldn't have given you one to begin with!
"No! Not that! Anything but that! I'll be good, I swear!"
Yeah, right.
"Honest! Elf's honor."
I'm not that stupid.
"But don't you trust me? It just makes me want to cry, thinking that you feel that way about me."
Alright, I'm sorry. I won't take it away.
"I knew it. Heh heh."
Sometimes I wonder if you haven't gotten the better of me.
"Hey, I do what I can."
Yeah, I know.
"There was only one good thing about that 'A Separate Love' series, ya know."
Oh? I didn't know that there was anything good about it.
"There was."
And what would that be, oh wise one?
"You know the part in chapter 7, at the end, the very end, where I'm in that room, and then I find out that-"
No, I didn't like that either.
"How could you not have liked that?"
I don't like any of my work, it all sucks.
"That's not true, only most of it sucks."
Didn't I tell you to shut-up before?
"Moi? Never! I would never give you probable cause to tell me to shut-up!"
Shut-up.
"There's the delete key..."
Ugh, not that again. Well, looks like I'm not going to figure out anything tonight, reader. Sorry to disappoint. I'll come out with more of my low quality writings another time. But for now, I've gotta go to the psychiatrist. I think this blank screen has gotten the better of me at last.
"Hey! Hey! Don't just leave me here!"
And then Link was shot with a poison arrow from the dark, and he immediately fell into a deep, wordless sleep.
"Zzzzzzzzz..........."
Good night.