The Irvine Kinneas Guide to "Perswaying Da Ladies."
Hello, young lonely heart! If you're reading this book, I have to assume that you're some idiot boy trying to get hints on how to persway all da ladies into heading toward you legs first. (If you are not a male, I would advise you to get our sister book, "Selphie Tilmitt's Guide to allowing People who took the Irvine rules to heart to Persway you.") I know you have a lot of questions for this. For instance, what is your qualifications? Well, I:
1) Have defeated many evil villains.
2) Beat up the Sorceress.
3) Have a natty mullet.
4) Have perswayed more ladies than you know.
Since you see my qualifications, you'll probably be asking, "Irvine, how do I get as many ladies as you do?" Well, here are some ways to do this:
1) EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME.
That is my main statement. If you take out the people who are "off the market" for you, you lose out on a large number of people. I have used some typical lines to cover for this in many cases:
i.) TEACHERS/INSTRUCTORS/AUTHORITY FIGURES:
"Quistis!" Since I am such a smooth operator, I went up to her and quickly started my business.
"IRVINE! YOU'RE ONE OF MY STUDENTS!"
"So? You were willing to throw yourself at Squall, and he's one as well!"
Extra bonus: HOW TO PERSWAY DA LADIES AFTER THIS STATEMENT:
"Come on! I never wanted him in that way..."
"Oh yeah? Well, Cid doesn't know that, and I could EASILY head up there and check..."
"NO! My career here would be ruined! What do you want in return?"
"I can think of....something...."
As you can see, I was able to persway even a heartless ice queen bitch like my Instructor into the sack.
ii.) PARENTAL FIGURES:
"Matron!" Since I am still that smooth of an operator, I continued my works.
"IRVINE! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER! HELL, FOR YEARS, I WAS EXACTLY THAT!"
"Oh, I see. Just because I wouldn't be your 'Knight', I'm not GOOD enough without the trenchcoat?"
Same story, kiddies...
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"
"I have my...ways..."
"Just don't tell Cid, right? That would just be...horrific for me. I wouldn't be able to...."
"Oh, there's a way in which you could consider me Marcel Marceau..."
As you can see, age isn't anything but a number to the truly smooth, and that whole "she just ACTED like my mother, not actually was my mother" thing makes it much less sick.
2) HOW TO BREAK THE ICE:
One of the most important ways to get a woman is how good your pick-up line is. It could mean the difference between "cuddled up with that special someone of the night" and "cuddled up with an issue of 'Girl Next Door' and a bottle of baby oil". To prove this, I have gotten some of my friends to try out their best pick-up lines. Let's meet them, shall we?
MR. X.
Basic story: Whiny. Tries to look dark. Wears leather pants when he has nothing to fill them with.
MR. Y.
Basic story: Follower. Hangs out with a guy in a trenchcoat and a chick with one eye. Definite speech pattern that suggests sexual tension with EVERYONE.
MR. Z.
He is a Chicken-Wuss. Case closed.
I have followed these people to the nearest bar to see how they use their pick-up lines.
"X? X? SQUALL! Go after someone!"
"Aw, do I have to?"
"Do it or Rinoa's going to be the next subject for my piece."
"Oh, okay." Mr.X headed over to the first female he could find with his pick-up line. "Do I have to read this card?"
"YES."
"Okay. Ahem. 'Quiet, Bitch, I've got a knife and I know how to use it.'"
"EEK! PERVERT!" The woman proceeded to mace Squall.
"IRVINE, I'LL END YOU WHEN I CAN SEE AGAIN!"
"Okay. Mr.Y?"
"But I don't want to risk mace, ya know?"
"Do it."
"Okay. Ahem. 'Ya know, I can really see myself in your pants, because they look really comfortable and all, ya know?"
"Oh, I see. Listen, would you like to go see a movie with me Friday? I hear the newest Barbra Streisand film is playing..."
"Oh, sure, ya know?"
"Now, for the last one. Go ahead, Mr.Z."
"Um, hello, I'm Zell Dincht...."
"BWAHHAHAHAHAAHA! That's the funniest line I've heard tonight! Come on, who are you? Alan Smithee? What?"
As you can see folks, the line dictates the man. Here are some good lines that I have found to work very well for me.
i.) To draw a girl away from her beloved.
If you're like me, girls who are "taken" are the most wasteful piece on the planet. Here are some ways to get rid of them.
"Rinoa, I have to talk to you!"
"What happened, Irvine?"
"It's....Squall..."
"WHAT? What happened to him? Is he all right?"
"He's been...arrested..."
"WHAT?"
"They caught him this morning in the junior classrooms..."
"Aw, that's so sweet! Helping out the younger students! What was he doing..."
"All they said was...'Bad Touch'...."
"I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT FREAK!"
"I can't either..."
"I don't think I can be alone tonight..."
"I'll stay with you..."
As you can see, I've gotten revenge on that little bastard Squall for trying to end me for that whole macing incident and managed to persway his magically delicious girlfriend to boot!
ii.) The neophyte.
"Hi, Irvine, that issue of 'Guns and Ammo' you ordered just came in..."
"Thanks. Listen, I wanted to talk to you..."
"Oh yeah? About what?"
"Basically, I need to level with you."
"Shoot."
"Well, no one here likes you. I am your only friend in this whole Garden."
"That's horrible."
"I know. Listen, would you like to talk about this?"
"NO! Get away from me or I'll call Zell on you!"
"Come on...I'm much manlier than he is!"
However, that night, I would have the last laugh....
"mmmm....fa fa fa fa fa fa....never be the same again...."
"Heehee..."
"WHAT? IS SOMEONE THERE? IRVINE? YOU SICK FUCK!"
Now, I know this looks bad for your hero. However, it brings me to part three:
3) HOW TO READ LADIES SIGNALS.
Now, this lady may look unperswayable, but it really is not hard. To realize what they really mean:
"No!"= "Yes!"
"Hello there, Irvine. What's up?"= "I want you Irvine. Please, take me! Make me a real woman!"
"Help! Police! There's this one guy who's been harassing me for a long time now!"= "Oh, I love to have some witnesses to see me fulfill every girl's fantasy!"
And of course, the ever-popular thing that everyone needs to know:
A RESTRAINING ORDER IS JUST A LEGAL DOCUMENT DETAILING HOW SHE'S PLAYING "HARD TO GET."
4) Is this method really the best way to get women?
Of course, there are people who will say "Irvine's a misogynist," "Irvine is promoting evil", "Irvine, put on some pants!", "Irvine, that looks like a penis, only smaller!" and other such nonsense like that. However, they need to know the important lesson:
MEN WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT WILL GET THE GIRL.
The only time where the nice guy gets the girl of his dreams is in those bad romantic comedies you need to go to in order to get laid. Speaking of which:
IRVINE'S TIPS TO LOVE #42: If you go to see one of those crappy "romantic movies", the girl OWES you sex. If you go to see "Titanic" or movies of that type, she must give you it in any opening you want.
As you can see, the guys who are complete jackasses always have the cute girls flocking to their side. By logic, BE A JACKASS. In order to look the part:
i.) Dress like a pimp at all times.
ii.) Always wear a cowboy hat, in order to give yourself that "I desperately want nothing more than to be Kid Rock" look.
iii.) GROW A MULLET. Guys with mullets always get the girls.Look at that dude with the "Hello my future girlfriend" site, he's mulleted to the max and is probably swimming in a sea of ladies now.
Conclusion:
After this, you should be able to get any woman you want, using the Irvine Kinneas method. Just remember: If you do it, the first time you have sex, just make her call you Irvine, okay?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer:
DO NOT USE THESE THINGS. I am a firm believer AGAINST all of these methods. As a quicker route:
The Alan Smithee guide to PERSUADING the ladies:
Whatever Irvine says, DO THE OPPOSITE.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Hello, young lonely heart! If you're reading this book, I have to assume that you're some idiot boy trying to get hints on how to persway all da ladies into heading toward you legs first. (If you are not a male, I would advise you to get our sister book, "Selphie Tilmitt's Guide to allowing People who took the Irvine rules to heart to Persway you.") I know you have a lot of questions for this. For instance, what is your qualifications? Well, I:
1) Have defeated many evil villains.
2) Beat up the Sorceress.
3) Have a natty mullet.
4) Have perswayed more ladies than you know.
Since you see my qualifications, you'll probably be asking, "Irvine, how do I get as many ladies as you do?" Well, here are some ways to do this:
1) EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME.
That is my main statement. If you take out the people who are "off the market" for you, you lose out on a large number of people. I have used some typical lines to cover for this in many cases:
i.) TEACHERS/INSTRUCTORS/AUTHORITY FIGURES:
"Quistis!" Since I am such a smooth operator, I went up to her and quickly started my business.
"IRVINE! YOU'RE ONE OF MY STUDENTS!"
"So? You were willing to throw yourself at Squall, and he's one as well!"
Extra bonus: HOW TO PERSWAY DA LADIES AFTER THIS STATEMENT:
"Come on! I never wanted him in that way..."
"Oh yeah? Well, Cid doesn't know that, and I could EASILY head up there and check..."
"NO! My career here would be ruined! What do you want in return?"
"I can think of....something...."
As you can see, I was able to persway even a heartless ice queen bitch like my Instructor into the sack.
ii.) PARENTAL FIGURES:
"Matron!" Since I am still that smooth of an operator, I continued my works.
"IRVINE! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER! HELL, FOR YEARS, I WAS EXACTLY THAT!"
"Oh, I see. Just because I wouldn't be your 'Knight', I'm not GOOD enough without the trenchcoat?"
Same story, kiddies...
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"
"I have my...ways..."
"Just don't tell Cid, right? That would just be...horrific for me. I wouldn't be able to...."
"Oh, there's a way in which you could consider me Marcel Marceau..."
As you can see, age isn't anything but a number to the truly smooth, and that whole "she just ACTED like my mother, not actually was my mother" thing makes it much less sick.
2) HOW TO BREAK THE ICE:
One of the most important ways to get a woman is how good your pick-up line is. It could mean the difference between "cuddled up with that special someone of the night" and "cuddled up with an issue of 'Girl Next Door' and a bottle of baby oil". To prove this, I have gotten some of my friends to try out their best pick-up lines. Let's meet them, shall we?
MR. X.
Basic story: Whiny. Tries to look dark. Wears leather pants when he has nothing to fill them with.
MR. Y.
Basic story: Follower. Hangs out with a guy in a trenchcoat and a chick with one eye. Definite speech pattern that suggests sexual tension with EVERYONE.
MR. Z.
He is a Chicken-Wuss. Case closed.
I have followed these people to the nearest bar to see how they use their pick-up lines.
"X? X? SQUALL! Go after someone!"
"Aw, do I have to?"
"Do it or Rinoa's going to be the next subject for my piece."
"Oh, okay." Mr.X headed over to the first female he could find with his pick-up line. "Do I have to read this card?"
"YES."
"Okay. Ahem. 'Quiet, Bitch, I've got a knife and I know how to use it.'"
"EEK! PERVERT!" The woman proceeded to mace Squall.
"IRVINE, I'LL END YOU WHEN I CAN SEE AGAIN!"
"Okay. Mr.Y?"
"But I don't want to risk mace, ya know?"
"Do it."
"Okay. Ahem. 'Ya know, I can really see myself in your pants, because they look really comfortable and all, ya know?"
"Oh, I see. Listen, would you like to go see a movie with me Friday? I hear the newest Barbra Streisand film is playing..."
"Oh, sure, ya know?"
"Now, for the last one. Go ahead, Mr.Z."
"Um, hello, I'm Zell Dincht...."
"BWAHHAHAHAHAAHA! That's the funniest line I've heard tonight! Come on, who are you? Alan Smithee? What?"
As you can see folks, the line dictates the man. Here are some good lines that I have found to work very well for me.
i.) To draw a girl away from her beloved.
If you're like me, girls who are "taken" are the most wasteful piece on the planet. Here are some ways to get rid of them.
"Rinoa, I have to talk to you!"
"What happened, Irvine?"
"It's....Squall..."
"WHAT? What happened to him? Is he all right?"
"He's been...arrested..."
"WHAT?"
"They caught him this morning in the junior classrooms..."
"Aw, that's so sweet! Helping out the younger students! What was he doing..."
"All they said was...'Bad Touch'...."
"I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT FREAK!"
"I can't either..."
"I don't think I can be alone tonight..."
"I'll stay with you..."
As you can see, I've gotten revenge on that little bastard Squall for trying to end me for that whole macing incident and managed to persway his magically delicious girlfriend to boot!
ii.) The neophyte.
"Hi, Irvine, that issue of 'Guns and Ammo' you ordered just came in..."
"Thanks. Listen, I wanted to talk to you..."
"Oh yeah? About what?"
"Basically, I need to level with you."
"Shoot."
"Well, no one here likes you. I am your only friend in this whole Garden."
"That's horrible."
"I know. Listen, would you like to talk about this?"
"NO! Get away from me or I'll call Zell on you!"
"Come on...I'm much manlier than he is!"
However, that night, I would have the last laugh....
"mmmm....fa fa fa fa fa fa....never be the same again...."
"Heehee..."
"WHAT? IS SOMEONE THERE? IRVINE? YOU SICK FUCK!"
Now, I know this looks bad for your hero. However, it brings me to part three:
3) HOW TO READ LADIES SIGNALS.
Now, this lady may look unperswayable, but it really is not hard. To realize what they really mean:
"No!"= "Yes!"
"Hello there, Irvine. What's up?"= "I want you Irvine. Please, take me! Make me a real woman!"
"Help! Police! There's this one guy who's been harassing me for a long time now!"= "Oh, I love to have some witnesses to see me fulfill every girl's fantasy!"
And of course, the ever-popular thing that everyone needs to know:
A RESTRAINING ORDER IS JUST A LEGAL DOCUMENT DETAILING HOW SHE'S PLAYING "HARD TO GET."
4) Is this method really the best way to get women?
Of course, there are people who will say "Irvine's a misogynist," "Irvine is promoting evil", "Irvine, put on some pants!", "Irvine, that looks like a penis, only smaller!" and other such nonsense like that. However, they need to know the important lesson:
MEN WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT WILL GET THE GIRL.
The only time where the nice guy gets the girl of his dreams is in those bad romantic comedies you need to go to in order to get laid. Speaking of which:
IRVINE'S TIPS TO LOVE #42: If you go to see one of those crappy "romantic movies", the girl OWES you sex. If you go to see "Titanic" or movies of that type, she must give you it in any opening you want.
As you can see, the guys who are complete jackasses always have the cute girls flocking to their side. By logic, BE A JACKASS. In order to look the part:
i.) Dress like a pimp at all times.
ii.) Always wear a cowboy hat, in order to give yourself that "I desperately want nothing more than to be Kid Rock" look.
iii.) GROW A MULLET. Guys with mullets always get the girls.Look at that dude with the "Hello my future girlfriend" site, he's mulleted to the max and is probably swimming in a sea of ladies now.
Conclusion:
After this, you should be able to get any woman you want, using the Irvine Kinneas method. Just remember: If you do it, the first time you have sex, just make her call you Irvine, okay?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer:
DO NOT USE THESE THINGS. I am a firm believer AGAINST all of these methods. As a quicker route:
The Alan Smithee guide to PERSUADING the ladies:
Whatever Irvine says, DO THE OPPOSITE.
______________________________________________________________________________________