Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in my story, they belong to SM. I am merely borrowing and using them to enhance my story. The subject matter here may be unpleasant to some people and is sensitive in nature. Please don't think that I am making fun of the disorder. I think it's a sad and terrible affliction and I sympathized with the sufferers and their family. I know of one sufferer so I have first-hand information on this subject. I did my research on the said subject matter and tried my best to portray it in the best possible way. Keep in mind though that this is a fictional story. No intention to offend anyone for that matter.
Shake
Edward POV:
Life was not the easy breezy experiences I wanted it to be. I still agonized over the sick reality that I was trapped in a loathsome body. Thank you very much for everything that you gave me, Mom and Dad. I hate to sound like an ungrateful bastard but this was not a part of the master plan. I didn't volunteer for this. Choice was not an option I was given. It was taken from me. I wasn't given a chance to say if I wanted this for myself.
I had no say in it! Maybe my parents didn't have any choice either. But my question didn't stop here. Why me? Talk about getting the fuckin' junk in the lottery from hell. I detest this very part of me that carried this affliction. Or was it a curse? I would happily trade my horrible reality for a lighter life sentence any time, ANY DAY if I could only have an ounce of normalcy in my life.
For seventeen years, I had endured the embarrassment and the stares that came along with this curse. It was a stigma. I wouldn't even like myself, if I were someone else. Now, that would have been better. It should have been someone else although god knows; I wouldn't wish this hell upon another person. Not I trapped in this god forsaken body.
My daily waking hours were plagued by feelings of uncertainty, fear and resentment of what I was. It affected me immensely, I created a strong and dense wall around me only a few people could override. I don't blame my parents all the time; they had been suffering along with me for as long as I could remember.
I only have two friends. Actually, that would make three if I count my dog, Zeus, along with my best friends Emmett and Jasper, they were on the very short list of people who stayed by me, who saw past my twitches and tic attacks and saw the person that I was and accepted me with no questions. Well, considering we had been friends since we were toddlers, I could say that they were stuck with me.
Were they? They adamantly denied my accusations that they had no choice on this matter, guilty by association as I called it. The truth was our parents were friends and the three of us were always thrown together, forced to be friends, in my opinion. At least, that was how it looked to me. As I recall, those two have always been around for me. Not fearing or freaking out when I have my episodes or my tic attacks.
They were never embarrassed to be seen with me, or even be associated with me. I thank my freakin' lucky stars for this.
My seventeen years of existence were marred with shame, desolation and loneliness. I should be a bubbling young stud, teeming with enthusiasm and lust for life. Instead, I hide in a shell, shut inside the walls I built around myself, just willing to look out from where I fortressed myself. I am fairly contented living my life in my self-proclaimed Tourette jail.
Yes, Tourette syndrome is my disorder and my jailer.
What is Tourette? The question plagued me wherever I went, people ask me why I act so weirdly, scary sometimes. My repetitive, sudden and involuntary tics and vocalizations were products of an abnormal metabolism of my brains neurotransmitters. Pretty complex if I may say.
I am sarcastic and I am an asshole. I figured I needed to develop skills to combat my insecurities and channel my embarrassments. My parents developed thick skins toward my sarcasm; they learned to take each of my outbursts with a grain of salt, ignoring my barbs most of the time. My friends though were a different story. They wouldn't let any of my insults and garbage go so easily. Each day contented on giving me their daily dose of "You're an asshole Edward". To them, my real ailment was Assholitis.
School was hell- Period. One might think that most kids would have gotten used to me after all these years. We all grew up in a small town; Forks' population was 3,175, so everybody knew everyone especially in school. But no, the cruelty of their laughs from the day I realized I was different still echoed in my ears.
Every single one of my "tics" was like entertainment to every kid in school, waiting for me to give them their craving of amusement every day. I tried to suppress my tic attacks but the repercussions were much difficult and embarrassing later on.
Oh, the price of what a person was willing to pay to be normal!
The sound of the horn outside made me jump. I had to hurry if I didn't want Emmett and Jasper to keep honking the horn. Another day in the hell hole known as school. I checked myself in the mirror, my golden hair was a mess, no matter how many gobs of gel I apply, it has a mind of their own. My shoulders jerked upwards briefly signaling the first of the many tics that I would have for the day. I gave up on my hair and grabbed my backpack on my bed before bounding the stairs two at a time.
"Edward, aren't you going to have breakfast before you go?" My mom yelled from the kitchen, the smell of bacon and eggs wafted through the whole house.
"No Mom, Em and Jazz are waiting outside already," I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. My dad folded the newspaper he was reading to peer at me. My shoulder jerked upwards as I grabbed a banana on the table.
"Son, have a great day in school." He offered the same words every day.
"Yeah, sure Dad. See you guys later." I said as I tore out of the house in a hurry before Emmett woke up the entire neighborhood. I jumped in the passenger seat of his jeep and off we went.
"Eddie, you gonna watch me play today man?" Emmett had been talking about the football game all weekend. A co-captain of the football team and the star defensive lineman, I was yet to see him play a game other than the games that we played for fun in the park. I shunned being in the company of a big crowd so I hide myself in the confines of my room while the entire school got to watch.
"Sorry Em got a project I need to work on." I shrugged my shoulders at the little white lie and stared straight ahead. Several muscle shoulder jerks followed during our short drive to school. I knew that he and Jasper were exchanging those knowing looks but they remained quiet and I preferred it that way.
We found a parking spot right away and allowed ourselves a little time to mess around before the first bell rang. We sat at the Quad talking about the newest video game that we wanted to play when Jazz and Emmett suddenly fell very still, dead quiet. I stared at them questioningly before I followed their eyes.
Bella, Rosalie and Alice were walking by, three very pretty and very popular girls in school. No problem for Emmett, his varsity status gave him a leg up into getting it together with Rosalie. Jasper and I were on the shy side, ogling was pretty much what we do most of the time. Besides, pretty girls wouldn't have anything to do with freaks like me. That's my bitter reality.
"Fuccckkkk." I blurted out as my neck muscles tightened and my shoulders jerked involuntarily for a brief moment.
Here we go! The first of the many I will unload today. I groaned and turned my back as they walked in front of us.
I could hear the giggles of the three girls as they passed us. I turned beet red, refusing to look Jasper and Emmett in the eye as I hurried away to get to my first class.
Sitting in Mr. Channing's English class provided the solace that I sought. Fuck was not a great thing to say in front of girls even if you were super-cool. I forgot the fact that Bella was in the same class. Shit! I buried my face in my book as she walked in and settled in her seat across the room from me. I twisted and turned on my seat trying to control my shoulders from shrugging, as my tics usually came more when I get agitated or excited. I tried to calm myself down with very little success.
I worked doubly hard to control my tics for the entire hour. I sat on my hands the whole time to keep my body from jerking while the teacher droned on and on about a project/presentation he would assign to the whole class. My shoulders were getting sore from the pressure I was applying to them. Normally, I could pass my tics or my twitches as mere muscle spasms but the more I tried this morning, the more they wanted to come out.
I ground my teeth as Mr. Channing called the names of students who would be partnered with each other. I could feel the build-up of unwanted vocal tics that were threatening to spill out.
"Edward Cullen, you are partnered with Isabella Swan."
"Fffff-fuckkkk, fuck, fuck."
The words slipped out even with my fervent effort to control them and the entire class burst out in laughter. I wanted to die, disappear or crawl to the nearest exit right then and there. Mr. Channing cleared his throat but the laughter in his eyes was hard to miss. "Children please, let's focus on this project. I need this by Friday next week. So you have two weeks to work on it."
The bell rang. I could never thank the bell hard enough. I grabbed my books and backpack and ran out of the classroom without looking at anyone. I needed to hide and compose myself. I ran straight to the restroom but it was filled to capacity and I needed to get it out of me before I embarrassed myself in front of everybody in my next class.
I spotted Emmett talking to Rosalie in the hallway and I made my way to him quickly nearly knocking a girl in my hurried frenzy.
"Emmett, keys please." I grunted still holding myself together, but not for very long. I could feel little tremors rocking inside me already.
"Here man, everything okay?"A worried but familiar expression crossed Emmett's face, he knew the reason why I needed his keys.
I ran out of the building to the parking lot and jumped inside Emmett's jeep. With great relief I find the parking lot empty and quickly got into Emmett's jeep for my much needed privacy and respite. I breathed deeply and exhaled long to try and ease the pressure in my shoulders. The tics started to unleash. I felt the hard tug on my neck and back as the twitching came on pretty hard. One hour was too long to keep the monster at bay. As much as I hated my tics, it was liberating to let it all out.
"Ah-ah-ah" now my motor mouth decided to pipe in. I only had a few minutes to get it all out before I was deemed late by Mr. Banner. My shoulders continued to jerk for several more minutes before I felt my whole body relax. I sagged on the driver's seat and closed my eyes. There were two words I hated hearing myself say and those were the very words that come out of my mouth during my speech tic attacks. I could live with the Ah-ah-ah but Fuck was offensive and plain rude. I wish I could stop myself from saying it but I couldn't.
Bella must hate me now! Two times in a row, I said fuck in her presence.
Ugh!
"Hey bro, Bella wanted me to give this to you." Jasper shoved a piece of paper in my hands as soon as we were seated in my room to play a video game. Emmett had to stay for warm ups and pre game rituals. I put the controller on the floor and glanced at the note in my hand. A jerk from my shoulder prompted me to open the little white paper.
Edward,
When do you want to meet up so we can decide what to do with our presentation? I will be at the football game tonight. Or call me. (360) 281-9336.
Bella
"What did she say bro?" Jasper was trying to read it from behind and I quickly folded the note and slipped it inside my jean pocket.
"What time is the game?" I tried to ask in a nonchalant tone but Jasper knew me better than I thought.
"She wanted you to come to the game? Woooohoooo!" Jasper bumped his fist on my shoulder, genuine manly pride radiating on his tanned face.
"I guess I can't hide it from you huh? Well, Bella and I are partners for our English project and she wants to get a head start and talk about it." I offered the little information that I could give. "No big deal Jazz. No need to get excited about it. I might scare the hell out of her and we may not even finish the project together." I thought of my outburst in the classroom and groaned.
"Why would she not want to finish the project with you? Doesn't she know that you aced every English test and project there is?" Jasper was obviously not thinking of my "tic" problems and how it comes in between any friendship I've ever had.
"I blurted fuck twice at her today, that's why!" I shrugged my shoulders once again and continued our game, signaling that I was done talking about it.
"Ed, c'mon man. I am sure Bella is not that shallow."
"Jazz, drop it. Just drop it." I warned in my "don't fuck with me today" tone.
"Sure, we leave at 6:00 PM so we can get the 50 yard line seats." He injected before turning his attention to the game in progress.
I let Jasper go and grab our seats but I didn't plan on staying long anyway, so I decided to stand next to the bleachers. I was more comfortable standing up as it helps hide my tics effectively. I could pretend that I am just flexing my shoulders, so I could move freely and not startle whomever was seated next to me when I would twitch and jerk so much.
I saw Bella and her friends walk in and I tried to hide behind the bleachers as they walked by. They had a special seat reserved for the popular kids in school. I watched her with hooded eyes. She was beautiful. Her long and wavy brown hair crowned her exquisite face perfectly. The big brown eyes were perfectly framed by long and curly lashes. Her lips were kissable, perfect.
"Ah-ah-ah," I pursed my lips to stymie the sound so no one would notice.
What was I thinking? Where was this suddenly coming from? Project Edward, project! That's all there was to it! Get your head out of your pants! I scolded myself.
I watched while Mike Newton, the school's quarterback bounded for the bleachers and jumped in front of Bella. He stuck his hand out and touched her face and from the looks of it, Bella seemed repulsed by the gesture.
Hmmmmm, were they an item? I can't compete with the star QB. No sir!
I turned to leave, thinking it was a good thing I drove my car so I wouldn't bother Jasper for a ride home. Too bad Emmett didn't see me make it tonight. He's big boy, he'll survive a little disappointment.
"Edward, wait up!" I heard Bella's voice calling me.
I turned around to see her running after me, with Mike Newton following her. His expression was that of a not-so- happy camper. I groaned as my shoulders started jerking repeatedly. I waited for her to catch up.
I slid my keys back to my pocket and left my hand inside, hoping that my tics wouldn't get in the way. I breathed deeply to relax myself.
"Edward, you were leaving?" Bella asked as she caught her breath. Her hair was flowing wildly on her shoulder. She was even prettier up close.
I nodded awe struck and unable to find my tongue. I slid my other hand inside my pocket, dreading the next tic I could feel coming. My shoulders jerked repeatedly. I could see that Bella shrunk back with unease marring her face.
"Bella baby, why did you walk away from me?" Mike asked as he caught up with us. He gave me the dagger-eye that was meant to threaten me. I simply held his gaze defiantly for a brief moment. Mike laughed when I jerked my shoulders briefly, he knew what my tics were like, he had certainly enjoyed making fun of me multiple times in the past. I started to walk away without a word. I had no business listening to their squabble anyway.
"Mike, we have nothing to say to each other. We are through!" I heard Bella say.
"Hey Edward!" Bella called out to me and but I kept walking. I had no intentions in being a spectator during their lover's quarrel and my shoulders were feeling heavier with the jerks that I tried to withhold.
"What a joke Bella, running after that Cullen freak! He'll tic you to death." Mike snorted in disgust before stalking back to the field. I heard what I needed to hear, she was out of my league indeed.
I walked faster and got to my car in no time. I didn't look back to see if Bella was still following me. I drove out of the parking lot so fast that I almost hit an incoming car.
Obscenities rang in my ear but I ignored it and drove straight home. The barrage of jerks and tics came out as soon as I was in the confines of my car. I could only hold them in for a short time.
Just as I was getting to my room, my phone went off with an alert of an incoming text message. I groaned when I saw Jasper's name. What now?
Dude, you left? Bella asked me for your number. I couldn't say no.
Before I could respond to Jasper's text, my phone rang with an unknown number flashing on my caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Edward, its Bella."
Fuck me! Why was she calling? More tics came while I struggled to think of what to say.
"Hi Bella." I sounded really shy, damnit! I hated the way my voice came out.
"Why did you leave so suddenly- I was hoping we could talk about our project? I wanted to get an idea of what book you want to use for our analysis presentation." Bella asked.
I made myself comfortable in bed, eyes closed, picturing Bella with her awesome brown hair lying next to me. I could feel myself getting hard at the thought of being near Bella.
"Fucccckkk!" another goddamn tic. Shit! I shouldn't be thinking of Bella, she would be the death of me. A jerking motion in my shoulder followed immediately.
"What was that about?" Bella giggled into the phone.
I didn't know how to answer her. Should I just ignore her question? Or should I tell her how impossibly unlucky I was to have been born with fucking tics that I couldn't control?
Damn, aside from Jazz and Em, I haven't discussed my disorder with anyone and I wouldn't start now. Most people believed that I should be able to control them. They thought that my actions and vocalizations were deliberate. Who would want to deliberately look like a fool, a pervert in front of people? If I could control my symptoms for a longer period of time, I would. I definitely would!
"Nothing. Ummm, it's up to you, why don't you choose which book we will use." My shoulders wouldn't stop jerking upwards; my nervousness often triggers my tics as I groaned silently.
"Okay, why don't we meet up after school tomorrow so we can start already? I will bring the book with me." Bella sounded hopeful.
WTF? Why in the hell would I want to subject Bella to my tics? Why would she want to be subjected to them?
"We can just do it over the phone."
"But there are things that we have to plan together. I need to learn how to use power-point too. Are you proficient with power-point Edward?" Her voice sounded so sultry and I felt myself actually getting further aroused just listening to her voice. My imagination started running before I could stop myself.
"Yes I am. I can teach you how to use it." As if on cue, my shaft just went on a power surge, pointing in Bella's direction. "Fuccckkkk." Damn it!
"Edward? Is everything okay? You are seriously scaring the shit out of me." The giggling was gone only to be replaced with concern and detectable fear.
"Everything's okay Bella. I have to go." I ended the phone call abruptly, as fast I could before I say something that I would later regret. I felt bad for cutting her off like that but was the best I could do. I sprinted to the bathroom, the tenting in my pants having doubled and I had to relieve myself. I unzipped my pants hurriedly and let my rigid cock out.
"Ah-ah ah." I hate doing this, but desperate situations called for easy solutions. I stroked my shaft non-stop until I got my relief. Shameful but I had no other means, so this will do.
I showered, ate and thought of Bella the whole night. Nah, not a possibility. Edward, back to earth! Ain't going to happen! I told myself.
I decided to drive myself to school the next morning. I sensed an interrogation coming from Emmett and Jasper and I wasn't in the mood for it. Besides, I had a shitty night, spent mostly tossing and turning in bed.
"Edward?"
I didn't notice that I had parked my car next to Bella's truck. Oh fuck, here we go again. I groaned inwardly as I nodded in her direction. My shoulder muscles started to tighten, and it was several jerks later before I was able to control it before I spoke.
"Bella…."
"Are you okay?" Bella asked as she witnessed my tics firsthand. I nodded and clamped my mouth as I felt the urge to blurt something out. She was watching me intently. I could see it in her face that I was making her uncomfortable even if she tried to hide it.
"Why did you hang up so suddenly last night? I still wanted to talk-" I didn't give her a chance to finish what she had to say.
"Bella, what do you want from me? I promise that I will be a perfect partner. Email me the title of the book you want us to work on and let me know what you need for the slide presentation and I'll do it for you. I don't think it's necessary for us to talk like this. Don't call me or text me. It's for your own good." I didn't stop talking until I got the words out that I needed to say. I witness the hurt that crossed her face first but she held her head high and defiantly squared her shoulders; the look in her eyes was that of determination.
"I don't know what your problem is, Cullen! I am just being friendly and all and you are pushing me away. Well, fuck you! I will go to Mr. Channing to request a new partner. You can go to hell for all I care!" She said her piece and stomped away from me, her face contorted in a mix of anger and sadness.
I was taken aback by the fire in her eyes and the filth in her mouth. Feisty girl, Bella was. But I did something good for her. She couldn't be seen hanging out with me, a freak of nature. It was better this way. I couldn't allow myself the glimmer of hope that a guy like me would ever deserve a girl like her.
The sooner that she realized what a big asshole I was, the better for her. It's all for the best if she thought of me with contempt instead of pity.
I strode to my first class late as usual. Another mark on my otherwise perfect academic record, tardy again, said Mr. Channing.
I had one of my terrible tic episodes that morning in class. Good thing I found a seat at the end of the room. Out of sight from most of kids in the room, I didn't have to fight my tics off as hard as I usually do. Bella sat rigidly in her chair, not once looking in my direction. Good for me, she didn't have to witness my discomfort and embarrassment.
"Fffucckk!" I blurted out just before the bell rang and snicker after snicker came back at me. I didn't even bother looking up to see who heard. I just waited for my chance to get out of the door and hurried off to my next class. I made a mental note of seeking Mr. Channing later, so I could request another partner.
After all my classes for the day were over, I headed to the faculty office and requested to see our English teacher. I had to do it today before I totally lose my nerve. I can't be around Bella. It's better this way, better for her to hate me.
Hate was always a powerful tool to embrace and I needed to nip my new feelings for Bella in the bud immediately.
I saw Bella walking out with Mr. Channing, obviously beating me to the punch. She paused when she saw me outside the hallway but said nothing as she walked away.
"Sorry Edward, there has been no requests from anyone in class for a change of partner yet, if anything comes up, I will let you know." Mr. Channing's brows furrowed as he walked away.
"Ffffuccckk!" My body stiffened as another tic came.
Bella was stuck with me. I drove home bearing the weight of my predicament on my shoulders. Zeus, my ever loyal Weimaraner greeted me at the door, his cropped tail shaking with excitement. My shaky hand patted him on the head and he leaned closer to me.
"Sorry Zeusy, been distracted lately." I whispered in his ear and his ears whipped up, like he understood what I was talking about.
"Yeah it's a girl. Too beautiful and perfect for me, she's way out of my league." I added and Zeus' blue eyes stared at me questioningly.
"C'mon big guy! You know the reason already; these damn tics are just too much for anyone. You don't want a pretty girl worried about something like this." We headed towards the back and I slid the patio door open to let Zeus out. I sat on one of the lawn chairs and waited for Zeus to conduct his business and closed my weary eyes. I pondered on my problem and wished that it would disappear overnight. The doctor said that the chances that I might outgrow Tourette were highly likely, but not before I hit the worst of it all. The teenage years were the toughest for Tourette sufferers and I was in the middle of the storm.
My shoulders ached from the tics I suffered all day and I wanted to get in the hot shower and slap some ice packs on my stiff and sore shoulders.
"Edward, you're an asshole, really!" Emmett voice boomed next to my ear waking me rudely from my nap. I looked around and realized I fell asleep on the patio lawn chair. Emmett must've heard the news from Rosalie.
"Shit! Zeus, come here boy!" I called out.
"I let him in already Edward." Emmett glared at me, waiting for an answer.
"There's nothing I can do Emmett." I clenched my fists on my sides. I didn't want to talk about it and be reminded of how badly I treated Bella.
"It seems to me that you have a choice but went the wrong way." Emmett cleared his throat, he was in for a long argument and he knew it.
"I took the way that I know was good for both of us. She can't be seen hanging out with a freak." I retorted as I made my way inside the house. Emmett followed me in the kitchen. I threw a can of soda in his direction and he caught the can easily.
"A simple project was all you have to do. Why can't you just do it and not create bigger problems for yourself?" Emmett guzzled the soda noisily as we took our seats on the counter stools.
"Em, I'm scared shitless!I like Bella, I really like her." I raked my fingers through my wild hair shakily. The admission was disconcerting and I couldn't figure why it had to be her.
"So?" Emmett's denseness amazed me at times but then, he was a good looking guy, and girls were falling at his feet like bugs drawn to the light. It was too easy for him.
"My tics will scare her off, if they haven't already." I pursed my lips and downed my soda furiously. Angry at myself for even entertaining the thought.
"Well, I can't tell you what to do except I still think you're an ass!" Emmett pumped his fist with mine as he strode out of my house leaving me to my jumbled thoughts.
I pondered on the whole issue all afternoon and made a decision that may come back later to bite me in my ass.
What the heck!
I steeled myself and dialed Bella's number and waited for her to answer. I was about to hang up when she answered on the fifth ring.
"Hello?" she sounded out of breath.
"Bella, its Edward. I want to apologize for being an ass this morning….."
"Well, at least we both agree on that part," she answered quietly and I smiled at myself.
"Can I come over or would you want to meet somewhere?" Damn, I'm going to regret saying it but I needed to make an effort to finish the project, the sooner the better for both of us.
"I'll meet you over at Harry's Pizzeria in half an hour, bring your laptop if you can." Bella didn't give me a chance to change my mind as I heard a soft click on the other line. Crap, all the kids from Forks hang out there and I hate to be shoved in the middle of the limelight.
I jumped in for a quick shower and threw on whatever I could find in my closet and scurried off to meet with Bella.
Here goes nothing! I told myself as I made my way to the noisy Pizzeria. The delectable scent of tomato sauce and mouth watering meats assaulted me as I walked inside, scanning the busy restaurant for an empty booth. Several kids from school were busy talking amongst themselves and stopped to stare at me. I spotted Bella sitting at a booth by the window and I walked in her direction, feeling the stares following me with open curiosity.
"Hey," I slid inside the booth across from Bella and placed my laptop on the table.
"Hey," she answered easily looking at me with a hint of smile on her face.
I decided to jump on the reason for our meeting while I pretended to peer at the menu on the table as several shoulder jerks began. "So, have you decided what book you want us to review?" I asked after I calmed myself down.
"Yes, it's this one," she placed the book on the table. A Midsummer Night's Dream, by Shakespeare. Perfect! I read it already and this would be quite easy for me.
"Great! So which part would you want me to writ-" an involuntary tic shook my shoulders before I could stifle it. I ground my teeth to stop the next one. I shifted my gaze on the book, not wanting to see the laughter from Bella's face.
"Edward, what is it?" her soft voice sounded worried. I glanced up to look at her face, a crease was evident on her forehead. She bit her lower lip while waiting for me to respond.
"Ffffuckkk," another one came out of my mouth, my embarrassment doubled when several kids from the next booth started snickering. Bella looked around, clearly embarrassed at my outburst.
I couldn't do it. I didn't want to unravel in front of Bella. I gathered my laptop and pushed myself up to leave when her warm hand clasped on mine. I felt a jolt of electricity course through my entire body at the feel of her skin against mine.
"Edward, please don't run away." She pleaded and I snatched my hand away, scared at the thought of wanting to touch her back.
"Bella, aren't you at least scared to be seen with me?" I hissed under my breath, not wanting the next table to hear what I had to say. Several uncontrollable tics assaulted me while I waited for her answer impatiently.
"I….ah…I'm not." Her hesitation only added fuel to my growing aggravation.
"Don't lie to me! Don't my tics and constant eruption of profanity turn you off?" I spat the words out as I leveled my eyes on her, waiting for her answer. Waiting for her to admit what I already knew.
"I'm not going to lie to you, it is hard to get used to it," she answered truthfully as she twisted her hands together on top of the table nervously.
"So you want to see the circus up close huh?" I accused her and instantly regretted the words that came out of my mouth.
"That's not fair Edward!" she cried in horror at my blatant accusation.
"Then what is it Bella? Why else would you want to hang out with me?" I added callously.
"I want to finish our project together….."
"Are you sure that's it Bella?" I was on a roll and couldn't stop myself anymore. Years of being an asshole took over. I took my frustrations out on her. "Does it make you giggle when I say fuck? You know want to know why I say that? Because I can't help myself, every time I see you and each time I think of you, the only thing I want to do is hold you, feel your body against mine. I want to kiss you and fuck comes out because .!"
I was panting, out of breath by the time I finished my barrage of frustrated emotions. Bella stared at me, a horrified look on her face, unable to say a word. I probably scared her now more than ever.
"This is too much for me to take in Edward. I don't know what to say…." Tears brimmed in her eyes; her lips were trembling as she took her backpack in haste and ran out of the pizza joint without saying a word.
"Ffffuccck," I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as a feeling of guilt washed over me. My shoulder started quaking. I let a decent amount of time pass before I stood up and left the place amidst the stares of some kids from school.
I decided to skip school for the next two days, my parents weren't too happy about it but they knew that in the past, even the toughest days I weathered even if I all wanted to do was crawl inside my shell. This time they couldn't make me. I turned off my ringer in an attempt to block the nasty evening at the pizzeria out of my head. I took my rarely used Prozac to lift some of the heavy clouds that settled upon me.
I pounded on our project for two days, single handedly finishing the report and analysis on my own. I worked on the slides using power point and even came up with the step by step procedure on how I made the slides for Bella. I planned on giving her my finished portion actually; it could even suffice as something from both of us already. She could take whatever she wanted to use for our project.
Asshole, don't go anywhere. We'll see you in an hour; the text came from Jasper followed by one from Emmett. I groaned and sank my body deeper in my bed. Thinking of how badly I treated Bella. I unleashed my years of pent up anger on her. I realized it wasn't fair but what is?
She just wanted to be a friend. I smirked at the thought of what I told her. She must think I was the biggest pervert to ever walk the earth. What on earth made me say what I said?
"Ffffuckkk." I am totally screwed. I was falling for her and made a mockery of myself in the process. All I wanted to do was crawl under my bed and disappear.
I woke up to the loud banging on the door. I scrambled out of bed groggily and made my way down the stairs in my pajama bottoms. "We know you are in there asshole, let us in." Emmett voice boomed outside. I wanted for one minute to ignore them but knew that they wouldn't give up even for a second. I didn't want them scaling our walls so I caved in and opened the door.
Emmett marched in followed by Jasper without saying a word. I closed the door and moved towards my room with a grunt, feeling the weight of tics in my shoulder threatening again.
I settled on my bed and Jasper sat on the edge as Emmett took the chair by my desk. He propped it in front of my bed and stared at me.
"What's on your mind guys?" I rasped, wanting to get it over with. "Out with it."
"Dude, I knew you are a loose cannon but I didn't realized that you had gone bonkers 'til I heard what you said to Bella." Emmett shook his head while Jasper just looked on.
"Man, word do travel around don't they?" I quipped sarcastically.
"Rosalie is Bella's best friend and she told me in confidence." Emmett stated in a matter-of-fact way while folding his arms over his broad and rippled chest.
"Why does it matter?"
"Why does it matter? Damn Edward, could you be a little less cruel? Jasper finally spoke, he looked at me incredulously. His lips curled in the most bizarre way.
"Jasper, don't even start with me about cruelty. You have no idea what the word means and what I have endured all these years." I was seething by now, so much for a relaxing Prozac protected day.
"Ed, don't you think we don't know what you have been going through all these years? Man, we are going through it with you and we sympathized each day. But you have no excuse for turning your anger on Bella." Jasper's voice got dangerously low. He was the calmest of three of us but somehow, he seemed to have a strong opinion about the situation and he went all out on me.
"Fuck you Jazz! You know nothing! You are not the one trapped with these unending tics and embarrassment. So lay off me will you?"
"Eddie, so you are a freak! Is that what you want to hear? There's nothing you can do about it. Accept the fact and just live your life without having to worry about what people will say. If they want to stare, let them. If they laugh, that's their problem! But you can't hole up in here all your life and drive the good people away because you are scared and fed up!" Emmett drove his point home and it fuckin' hurts because it was true.
I didn't say a word, I knew they were right on the money and I may have driven away a friend that meant a lot to me. They left without saying a word. They knew from my silence that I was chewing on situation.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Bella's number on impulse. I had no idea what I wanted to say and it was too late to hang up when she answered right away.
"Bella…it's Edward." I began.
"What do you want Edward?" She sounded angry and I couldn't blame her.
"Nothing, I just wanted to apologize for my outburst the other day." I stifled another vocal tic by cupping my mouth away from the phone.
"I don't know what to say to you at the moment. I can't talk right now." She said sounding more hurt than angry. "I have to go, I'm sorry." She hung up the phone before I had a chance to say goodbye.
I fell asleep without even making it downstairs for dinner. I knew my parents understood my dark moments and I thanked them silently for respecting my need for privacy.
I woke up even before my alarm sounded off. With a renewed sense of energy and resolve, I knew what I had to do. I took a shower and bounded the stairs feeling like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. "Hi Mom, Hi Dad," I strode in the kitchen as I patted my father on the shoulder and kissed my mother on the forehead.
"Good morning Edward," my Mom eyed me happily as I grabbed a piece of toast and an apple on the table. I smiled a little before I left for school.
"See you later guys." I called out before I closed the door behind me. I drove to school faster than usual. I planned on finding a parking spot and wait for Bella.
I heard her truck even before it came into view, the chugging sound from the piece of big metal was just too funny to ignore. I braced myself and walked over to her truck, determined as ever to get things off my chest. Hopefully, to right what I did wrong.
She had her back on me as she fumbled with the door lock and I spoke quietly, not wanting to startle her.
"Hi Bella." I smiled bravely, readied myself for the consequences of my actions.
Bella turned around at the sound of my voice. Her beautiful face had a haggard appearance like she hadn't slept much. I saw a little smile tugged at the corner of her mouth but it didn't break into a full blown one.
"Edward," she answered quietly.
"Bella, can I talk to you for a moment before classes start?"
"Sure." One word answer, just great! I hope I can lift the conversation to two word answers by the end.
"Um, first of all, I want to apologize for my outburst three days ago. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you. It wasn't fair." She opened her mouth to talk but I held my hand up to stop her, I wanted to get everything off my chest before I lost my nerve which would start happening as soon the tics started coming.
"I didn't mean what I said about not wanting to work on the project with you. I just can't handle the pressure of being around people when I have my episodes." I paused to catch my breath and to look at Bella's face. She was gazing up at me, her expression intent, unreadable. I leaned on her truck for support. This was all surreal. "I tend to shut everyone out and I was fairly comfortable with my life of solitude until you showed up, all sweet and friendly about partnering up with me. I won't lie now and say that I didn't like the idea of having the chance to talk to you up close and to hear your voice. I can't control my tics just like I can't control the weather but I didn't mean to disrespect you in any way. It's embarrassing and all I wanted to do is hide the few times I blurted stuff out inappropriately. I hope I haven't offended you and if I have or I do, please forgive me. I think you are a very brave girl for standing here and being seen with me."
Bella didn't answer, she chewed on her lips in silence and it made me uncomfortable. My shoulder twitched once and I pushed my shoulders back to hold the other ones as I waited for her to say something, anything.
"You are an asshole, Edward Cullen!" Wow, definitely more than a two letter answer, it's a start! I reminded myself. "And a mean person too. You really hurt my feelings, you know that?" I nodded and pursed my lips while I waited for her to say some more. I deserved all of it.
She heaved a sigh before she spoke again; she looked at me straight in the eye. Her brown eyes sparkled as they met mine.
"When you said that you wanted to hold me, that you wanted to kiss me and feel my body against yours, were you telling the truth?" Her question startled me, why would she want to add insult to injury? Pour salt on a gaping wound? I guess I would never know so I decided to answer her question truthfully before I totally disappear from existence because of humiliation.
"Yes, I wanted to do those things Bella, more than anything in this world." I lowered my eyes to the ground and braced myself for the laughter to come.
"I wouldn't mind a kiss right now." She whispered softly as she took several steps forward until her face was closer to mine. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I looked at her face to check if she was joking but her face held no malice, she wasn't laughing at all. She had an expectant look in her face, her mouth parted invitingly.
I lowered my mouth to hers and pressed my lips gently on her soft lips. She didn't shudder but I did.
"Fffuucckkk." What a way to ruin the moment. I wanted to kick myself. She giggled but not in a bad way.
"Bella, is this something you want? I will embarrass you to death because of my tics." I wasn't sure if should've asked the question. But I wanted to be certain that she understood the consequences of being around me.
"Edward, I won't lie to you and say that it doesn't make me uncomfortable. This is all new to me but I want us to take it slowly =- baby steps. No promises. Let's see what tomorrow brings." She stated with honesty and I appreciated her openness.
"No promises." I answered and I kissed her once more, and this time the tics held themselves at bay, allowing me to savor Bella's lips longer.
We pulled apart after our long sweet kiss and found ourselves with an audience; they started applauding when we broke our kiss. I found myself flushing with embarrassment and pride at the same time. Bella had a huge grin on her face. She was radiating with happiness as well.
"Can you handle being seen with me Bella?" I asked as we walked to our classroom. I held her hand and it felt comfortable, like we were meant to be.
"I think I can handle it. But you have to promise to talk to me, be honest about things- everything." She answered demurely which made me tic one more time. We went to class together, our fingers intertwined. I walked her to her seat and gently lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed it.
"I'll see you at lunch?" I asked after I let go of her hand. I could feel my whole body humming with excitement.
"Yes." I made her blush and my heart soared.
A/N: Comments are welcome and appreciated. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.