Sanji and the Dark Swan
By John Hallman
Chapter 1: Unpleasant Wakeup Call
Sanji was sprawled on the sandy beach with his tux torn and tattered. The sun's UV rays were bearing down on him, causing the blonde man to squint. Despite the heat, Sanji pulled out a cigarette and lighter, took a long drag, and puffed a small cloud of tobacco smoke. He had a massive headache and kept any thought at bay. A small hermit crab scuttled passed his head by the left side. That side was almost entirely concealed by his blonde bangs, so he couldn't see the little crustacean. He took another drag of smoke and then tossed the cigarette elsewhere. The cook's mind was a complete blank until two shadows shielded him from the sun's wrath. All he saw were those two figures; all he could hear was the crash of waves; all he could smell was the salty air of the beach and the aroma of burning tobacco. The shadows came closer.
Sanji squinted harder and asked, "Who are you? Where the hell am I?"
Smiles materialized on their faces and one replied cheerfully, "Why, you are among friends Sanji-kun."
The other one followed, "That's right Cook-san. There is no need for concern."
Sanji's eyes grew wide at the sound of their voices. They sounded so familiar, but he couldn't remember where he heard them. The sun's brilliance obscured the shadow's features. The figure on the right reached down and stroked his cheek with a soft, delicate hand. He blushed at the hand's touch. Then the shadow on the left produced a cup of water, brought it to Sanji's lips and let him drink. He didn't notice it at first, but the sun was setting rather unnaturally fast. As the hot globe faded on the horizon, the faces of the shadows became clear. The person on the right was a woman with sharp features and long, raven-black hair. Sanji looked at the person on the left and saw a young woman with an oval face and bright orange hair. Sanji suddenly recognized both girls!
"Nami-Swan? Robin-Chwan?"
His nakama knelt over him in all their beauty. Sanji felt his heart skip a beat and he almost leaped for joy! Nami hugged him and he gave in to her soft embrace! Both girls wore two piece bikinis; Robin wearing purple and Nami with a sapphire-blue! Sanji was in Heaven!
"Tee-hee-hee!"
Sanji heard a giggle but thought it had come from either Nami or Robin. But the giggles grew louder and the cook could tell they were not coming from the girls comforting him. The giggles were not of feminine origin. Sanji withdrew his gaze from the girls and scoped the beach. Nobody was in sight, but the giggles sounded like they were coming from someone close by. As Nami moved to kiss his cheek, a masculine hand popped out from under them and latched onto Sanji's ankle!
"WHAT THE HELL," cried the cook.
More hands sprouted and began to pull the hapless Sanji into the sandy soil! Nami and Robin tried hard to release him, but he was already up to his waist! Sanji attempted to use his powerful legs to bash in the skulls of whoever was pulling him into the earth, but to no avail!
"NAMI-SWAN! ROBIN-CHWAN," he cried as the whole world seemed to collapse on itself, engulfing the two beautiful women.
Kamabakka Kingdom
Sanji awoke with a jolt and his arm outstretched, as if reaching for his precious nakama. His pajamas were stained with heavy perspiration. The cook slowed his breathing and fully came back to reality. He was in a room with walls painted pink, furniture with flowers on them, pink carpeting that was sickeningly girlish, and a walk-in closet. Sanji moaned utter disappointment having realized his Heaven was just a dream.
"Tee-hee-hee!"
Sanji froze at the disembodied laugh. The same giggle from his dream! In a flash, Sanji leaped out of bed! As he made for the window, the closet burst open! Four burly men in women's clothing emerged, each carrying a dress in their big, hairy arms! They wore heavy make-up and lipstick in a way that scared the hell out of Sanji! The transvestites took pursuit!
One of the man-women called out in a girlish squeal, "Morning Candy-Chan! Here's your morning dress!"
Sanji jumped out the window with pink curtains and replied, "FUCK NO!"
The poor cook had remembered he'd been stranded here almost a year-and-a-half ago, which was twenty years in Sanji's book. While trying to escape from a Marine Admiral at the Saobody Archipelago, he had been blown away by the pirate warlord Bartholomew Kuma along with the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates. As a result, he ended up on an island known as the Kamabakka Kingdom. It was a place for those with girlish hearts. While it was considered a safe haven for its inhabitants, Sanji had found himself in Hell on Earth!
"Come back Candy-Chan," shouted one of the Newkamas.
As he fell from the three story drop, the mob jumped after him. Sadly, Sanji knew the fall couldn't kill them as much as it could kill him. Instead of descending, the cook kicked at the air and stopped in midair!
"Sky Walk!"
Each kick propelled him straight up toward the horde of transvestites! When he reached the first one, Sanji delivered a roundhouse kick to the face, breaking the Newkama's nose! The cook flew passed the now unconscious man-woman and shot multiple kicks into another man's gut, causing him to cough blood! With two down, Sanji rocketed up to the last couple of Newkama Kenpo masters and kicked the man on the right side of the head. The man's head collided with the head of the man on the left and sent them both flying into a tree of cherry blossoms! Below, it rained transvestites and dresses! The cook reached the window to his room and reentered.
Sanji breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Damn bastards! Why must every morning I should have to go through the same routine!"
"It's for the benefit of your training "Black Foot," said a tall man, startling the blonde chef.
Much to Sanji's relief, it was only Emporio Ivankov's right hand man, or woman, Inazuma. As usual, he/she held a glass of wine in his/her left hand, with hair white on the right side and orange on the left, and a long coat matching his/her dew. No one knew whether Inazuma was a man or a woman. Sometimes he was a man, and sometimes a woman. Being cautious, Sanji always addressed him as a man.
"Ivan-Sama will see you in the banquet hall in approximately a half hour," said Inazuma.
After the assistant left, Sanji went into the walk-in closet, not before checking it for rabid transvestites, and put on a white dress shirt, a red vest, a pair of vanilla slacks, and silky-black shoes. The cook left his room and descended a circular staircase leading to the banquet hall. Thankfully, there was no one in the castle's lengthy halls this morning. He arrived at a large doorway and entered.
Sanji mumbled to himself, "Another day, another dress…"
(Chapter 1 end)