My name is Tobias...Tobias Mason Park, and I was running down a dimly lit hallway, making my way to an even darker room. I cradled a small bag in my hands. I could not allow anyone, man or beast, to discover what it was that I was hiding in this bag; it would be too dangerous for me if someone were to get their hands on my…secret. You see, there's something you should know about me. I'm not an ordinary person, like your buddy Dan, or your brother John. I'm an amateur fanfiction writer. That's right; a fanfiction writer. I write stories based on the works of other authors; stories that very few people read anyways. I can't tell you where I live or what I look like, because…well, it's risky. You could be a flamer, for all I know. And I am not being rude. When I say flamer, I mean one of those reviewers who bitch and moan about inconsistencies in your story, and judge you on things like plot. Ha! Plot, what plot?
So there I was, running down a dimly lit hallway—it's always a dimly lit hallway—making my way to my bedroom. I slowly turned the door knob, hoping that it wouldn't creak and wake up everyone else in my house—in stories like these (well, in my stories) doors of the twenty-first century always creak. And once I knew that the coast was clear—my stories also include clichés—I ran into my bedroom. I locked my door—despite the fact that my bedroom is in the basement, and lacks any sort of lock—and turned on the lights. I looked into my bag and grinned. Just a moment longer and you'll be mine to view! I thought. I walked towards my VCR—I had to…borrow it from a neighbour, since I live in the twenty-first century and, thus, do not own a VCR (does anyone anymore?). I turned on my television set and switched the remote to input 3—which always pissed me off…I mean, really, why should I change the setting of my television just to view a video?
I waited for the movie to start playing, barely able to hold my own excitement. I let out a girlish squeal, but quickly placed a hand over my mouth. I was glad that nobody had been around to hear me. But I then noticed my dog, lying on my bed; staring at me! I smiled at my dog and said, "You won't tell anyone I'm watching this, right boy?"
My dog looked back at me, cocking his head to the side, like he usually did when I talked to him.
"Yea…I didn't think you would." I whispered. "Oh look its starting!"
The movie played on the out-dated television set, via the out-dated VCR. Suddenly, a man appeared on the screen. I grinned at the man who could not see me, looking over my shoulder every so often to make sure nobody would walk in on me. The acting was terrible, and this man had no business being on any sort of television…but I didn't care; the theme song was on now. I hummed along, proudly.
"…Nowhere to run, no solid ground." I sang happily.
((What is he doing?)) Someone said. It was a voice in my head.
"Who said that?" I asked nobody in particular. "Who's there?"
((You don't recognize the sound of my voice?)) He asked.
I looked at the screen, mouth agape, and said, "Shawn Ashmore?"
((Yea…I'm Shawn Ashmore…I played Iceman.)) The voice sighed in my head. ((You have written…enough stories about me…you don't recognize my voice?))
I turned to my dog.
((It's Tobias!)) The voice said. ((Turn around!))
I turned to see my…closet?
"Tobias…the Animorph, Tobias, is in my closet?"
((No…down here!)) He said.
I looked down from my spot on my bed, and perched on a stack of…sports magazines…stood the Tobias! Taking the form of a red-tailed hawk, just like in the stories!
"This can't be possible."
((And yet, here I stand…so to speak.)) He sighed. ((Now…what are you doing?))
"Oh…" I fumbled with the TV remote, and eventually found the power button; the screen went blank. "That was a…porno. Yea, I was watching porn…because that's what guys like me like to do…watch porn…because I…"
((He's a hypocrite!)) A new voice rang in my head. I knew this voice all too well. Like Tobias said, I wrote enough stories about these kids to recognize the sound of their voices.
"David!" I whispered—when the bad guy shows up, you're supposed to whisper.
((I'm not the bad guy!)) David snapped. ((I had my humanity stolen from me. If anything, I'm the anti-hero!))
The little white rat climbed onto my bed…somehow…and started sniffing the air. My dog perked up its head and stared down at this new pet.
((You'd better hold onto that dog…)) David warned. ((I'm planning to appear in a story sometime soon.))
"I know…I'm writing it." I said. I didn't find it odd that two wild animals were in my room; nor did I feel particularly freaked out that I had been talking to them.
((Are you kidding me?)) He cried. ((Well…nobody is going to read it now.))
((That's not true.)) Tobias argued. ((Plenty of people have been reading "It's not a question of sanity".))
((That's because people are idiots.)) David mumbled. ((Really, who has that much time on their hands? Who reads the trash on this website? Who actually writes fanfiction?))
I suddenly looked up at the ceiling, it seemed really interesting now, for some reason.
"Where are we now?" Marco asked, popping out of my closet.
"Hey look," Rachel laughed, poking her head from underneath my bed. "Marco came out of the closet!"
"He said popped out!" Marco corrected her. "He didn't say came out!"
"I'm guessing this is all the Ellimist's doing." Jake sighed. "What poor, deluded amateur writer did he send us to now?"
((I believe we are in the home of Tobias Mason Park.)) Ax said, walking…I don't know, I guess he walked through the wall, or something.
"He seems to know everything, doesn't he?" Marco mumbled.
((Actually, the name is on the welcome mat.)) Ax said, gesturing towards the bedroom door.
"No freaking way!" I said. "I have a personalized welcome mat?"
I ran to check the mat that supposedly lay just outside my bedroom door.
"So, why are we here?" Rachel asked.
((I have no idea, but look at this!)) David said. I turned to see the small white rat lying on top of my video…uh oh!
"No way…" Rachel gasped. "He was watching the TV show!"
((Look…there are more video tapes in the bag!)) Tobias announced.
"Hey!" I snapped, grabbing the bag from the bird. "I don't go to your meadow, and poke my head around your personal effects." I tried to grab the box from Rachel, but she just pushed me to the ground.
"He just got pushed by a girl!" Marco snorted.
"So…she beats you up in every other book." I snapped.
"You were…what four when the first book was published?" Marco retorted. "And you didn't even start reading the books until you were ten!"
((And you started from book twenty-three.)) Tobias, the real Tobias added.
"And you're eighteen now!" Rachel laughed. "You're writing stories that you read as a ten year old…years after the series ended!"
((Talk about being stuck in the past!)) David laughed.
"I thought you disliked the series." Jake said confused. "You pointed out all the inconsistencies in parts one and two…and you bought…four VHS tapes of some of the least terrible episodes of that horrible train wreck."
"No, I did not!" I shouted.
"Oh please. You don't expect us to believe you were watching porn!" Rachel said.
"No I mean…I didn't buy them" I sighed. "I went to my local library, and picked up the tapes…they're due back…well, they didn't really care if I brought them back or not."
I stared at the ground while my childhood heroes laughed at me.
((He thought Shawn Ashmore was talking to him!)) Tobias said.
"We could break the fourth wall all night," I yelled. "Or we could do something productive."
"And what could we possibly do here?" Rachel asked.
"Well…
And, for no apparent reason, the other Animorphs walked towards the door, as Rachel began to take off her shirt…
"What…you can't find a real girl?"
Suddenly, I completely lost interest in having sex with Rachel.
((She does that a lot.)) Tobias said. ((She got so irritated that she told me to "get lost" and that she would "do it herself!"))
"That was a good night." Rachel smiled.
"Hey, what's with all this sex talk?" Cassie asked. "K.A never wrote us that way?"
"Hey, Cassie's here?" Jake said, whipping his head around to see his love interest. "I didn't even notice…"
"He never gives Cassie dialogue." Rachel said, "Look up his stories, Cassie is given a few lines, just so all of us have had a turn to speak."
((Did he not give Cassie her own story?)) Ax asked. ((I believe she morphed Rachel…))
"I uh…I took that down." I admitted. "I didn't get any reviews for that one…"
((You don't get any reviews!)) David sneered. ((There are literally only a handful of people who read and review your crap: Hotpinkcoffee…Drakoe555…Sarah1281…Hawkflight7…cantthinkofaname5…Vicke1….I think that's it.))
"Well…they're some of my more loyal…fans…" I mumbled.
"Aw…he thinks they're fans." Rachel laughed. "That's cute!"
"I never made you sound that bitchy in any of my stories." I said to her.
((Then you are not a competent writer.)) Ax informed me.
Ouch.
"So, why were you watching the Animorphs Television show?" Jake asked.
"I…I…I…really was watching a porno!" I lied. "Those must be my brother's tapes…"
"Well, a porno and our show really aren't that different." Marco admitted.
"I think I would respect him more if he had been watching a porno." Rachel laughed.
"Again…we really could be doing something more productive…" I mumbled.
((When are you going to finish "These are the wars?")) Tobias asked. ((You sort of just left everyone hanging after David met the Galactamorphs.))
((I met whom?)) David asked.
"Not you." I said. "David Matherson…my original character…"
"Why did you trap David as a girl?" Jake asked. "I mean, you already had Maria Louise trapped as a Taxxon…you trapped David as his ex…why?"
"Oh…that…" I stammered.
"And he made Tobias morph into a girl." Rachel added. "In 'It's not a question of sanity', he makes Tobias morph into Taylor."
"Well…I suppose it could be interpreted that way…"
((Don't lie. You made me morph Taylor, and then you had me…touch…places…))
"Which brings us back to my question," Cassie said. "Why are we so pro-sex all of a sudden? K.A never wrote us that way!"
"I bet he's never had sex." Rachel laughed. "Have you ever had sex?"
"Have you?" I shot back.
Rachel said nothing in response.
"That's right." I said. "So…what were we talking about?"
((We were talking about your lack of sexual promiscuity…)) Ax began.
"To think I wrote a story about you!" I snapped.
"Yea…what happened to that?" Marco asked. "Do you plan on continuing it?"
"I don't know." I mumbled.
"And what about this new Betamorphs series?" Marco asked.
"And why are you writing a story where it's implied that I'm having an internet relationship with Marco?" Rachel demanded.
"It's not you…BeautyQueen016 said her name was Melissa." I replied.
"You really aren't that subtle." Cassie told me honestly.
((Yea…I bet you were expecting people to be surprised when I appeared at the end of chapter one of the return.)) David sneered. ((The title of the story is the return…what else would you expect?))
"You sure write a lot of stories about David." Marco said.
"No…just the return." I said defensively.
"And in Chapters eleven and ten of 'These are the Wars,'" Jake added.
"And in the 'Animorphs Meet the Director'" Cassie said.
((And it's implied that he's in the 'Animorphs Get Facebook', and in that one story about Rachel answering questions on formspring.)) Tobias said.
"As if I would get formspring." Rachel mumbled.
"It's funny," Marco began. "In that story where we meet the Director, it says Erek is with us…but Erek doesn't say a word."
"What is he doing?" Rachel asked suddenly.
"I am attempting to acquire my dog." I answered.
"You can't morph." Jake told me.
"Oh, because that would be the craziest part of this night!" I snapped.
((What happens to me in this new version of the return?)) Tobias asked.
"I don't give out spoilers." I told him.
"You also vowed that you would never write yourself into our world." Marco replied. "And here you are, self-inserted into a story."
"Oh my…" I gasped. "What have I become?"
"You've become fan boy on ." Marco said. "A no sex-having fan boy, at that."
((I'll give him this,)) David said. ((He knows an interesting character when he sees one.))
"He writes about birds, rats and hormonal blondes." Marco snorted. "Not exactly thought provoking, is it?"
"He's still mad about had the Return was written." Rachel said. "It was written ten years ago, get over it."
"He was a bit thought provoking in that story about Tobias getting therapy." Cassie admitted.
"Yea, he focused on a lot of themes: grieving, sexual identity, isolation…" Jake agreed. "But why haven't you written a story about me?"
"Huh?" was all that came out.
"Yea…you've written a story about everyone in this room, but not me." Jake said. "Even Cassie had one…for a bit."
"No…I made you the narrator of the 'Animorphs get Facebook'…didn't I?"
"You don't remember your own stories?" Rachel asked.
"Not the ones that you're featured in." I snapped. "Just because of your behaviour, I'm going to make you look like a loon in the next few chapter of the Return!" I challenged.
"Go right ahead…I doubt anyone's aware of that story's existence." She countered.
"Hey, it's gotten seven reviews!" I cried. "That's nothing to sneeze at!"
"Do you know how many reviews other writers have gotten on their stories?" Marco said. "Multiply your seven by another seven, and then add twenty to that."
"My Immortal got ten times as many reviews…and that was just garbage!"
"Go see Bennett White's Masterpiece Fanfic Theater; those stories got more reviews than yours…and they are incomprehensible!"
"Yea…Dan?" I said into the speaker of my phone. "I'm sleeping over your place tonight."
"I would rather go on a date with Marco, than read your stories." Rachel laughed.
I packed a blanket, a pillow, and some pyjamas into my backpack.
"I would rather watch two girls one cup, than waste my time reading the 'wonderful journeys of the Animorphs on their free time.' Marco added.
"I would rather watch all two seasons of the Animorphs television series, than listen to some shrink talk to Tobias about his sex life." Jake laughed.
((I would rather have a Yeerk infest me, than read any sort of fiction that this particular author produces.)) Ax said.
Everyone, including myself, stared at the Andalite for a few minutes.
"Ouch Ax…you took it too far." I said.
I walked out of my room, and left the house. I walked the ten blocks to my friend Dan's place, but the insulting words of my former childhood heroes never left my mind. Even Ax had been disgusted by my stories. Maybe I should rethink my profession. Maybe I could get a job as a prostitute…at least they pay while they insult you. I rang the doorbell, and my buddy Dan let me into his house.
"I didn't expect to get a call from you tonight." He said, rubbing his tired eyes. "The couch is set up downstairs. I'll see you in the morning.
I thanked Dan and got myself settled downstairs. I had been about to go to sleep, when all of a sudden...
((And you add a new story to the website every day!)) Rachel said in my head. ((Are you that desperate for reviews?))
I hate the Animorphs….