The New Hero of Time Part… I forget, I never keep track of these kinds of things…
Last time, Tucker and Ivana enjoyed a romantic candle-lit dinner that Navi just decided to be a part of. Navi met a strange new fairy named: Azreal. We continue our "serious" story, since Navi won't let me write funny anymore… YA KNOW WHAT?! SCREW IT!!! I'LL WRITE HOWEVER I WANT!
Navi: Oh, really? Will you now?
Yeah, I will, and if you don't like it then a certain fairy with a name that rhymes with Navi, is gonna be a tad bit overweight in this particular part, WON'T THAT BE FUN!?
Navi: Umm, well, do whatever you want… I don't care…
Whatever I want? SWEET!!! HEY, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!
Everybody: YEAH?
ARE YOU READY FOR A BIG MOUNTAIN-SIZED PILE OF FUN AND LAUGHTER???
Everybody: WHOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Well, then, let's start the hell out of this part!
Everybody: Yay…
Then we'll get drunk!!!!!!!
Everybody: WHOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Once again, we join Tucker and his "sexee" Ivana, outside the forest temple. After meeting Azreal, and discovering that there was no way into the temple without the hookshot, and a small amount of swearing and complaining, the band of rascals made their way to Kakariko village.
Tucker: Okay, now all I have to do is go find Dampe's ghost, race him and win the hookshot!
Random Villager: Oh my god! Dampe' is dead?! I just got to know him, I can't believe it!
Navi: Oh, no, if this Dampe' person isn't a ghost, how can we get the hookshot?
Ivana: What are we gonna do, sweetie?
Tucker: So, Dampe' isn't a ghost eh? Well, I hate to say it, but that can be easily remedied…
Azreal: What do you mean by that?
Navi: You can't mean yer gonna- Tucker? Where'd you go?
Navi looked around but Tucker and Ivana were gone.
Navi: Oh, crap, Tucker's probably gonna go kill this Dampe' person to get the hookshot, we've got to stop him!
Azreal: I know where this Dampe' resides, maybe we can beat them there!
As Azreal and Navi raced off to the graveyard, they stopped at a house and Navi hit the door as hard as she could, and after a second, Tucker answered the door.
Navi: OH NO!!! WE'RE TOO LATE!
Tucker: Not at all Navi, you're right on time… Come on in and join the fun, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Navi and Azreal rushed in, expecting the worst, but all they saw was Ivana sitting next to a very old, very dirty man with a shovel.
Navi: Is this Dampe'? I thought you were gonna kill him to make him a ghost so you could get the hookshot…
Dampe': Do you know these fairies, sonny?
Tucker: Never seen 'em before…
Navi: It's us, you idiot! Navi and Azreal…
Tucker: Navi and Azreal? Why do I know you? Are you my grandmother?
Ivana: They're those crazy fairies that are always keeping us from makin' that nice sex…
Tucker: Ah yes! These fairies and their shenanigans are always keeping me from doin' the horizontal monster mash…
Dampe': What?
Tucker: Never mind, now, Mr. Dampe', as I was saying before these two fairies came in to ruin my diabolical plans of getting the freakin' hookshot, can I have the hookshot? Pretty please, with cherries and waffles?
Dampe': Oh, okay, you can have it, it's not like I was gonna give it to some young punk-ass hero boy who'd come for it after I was dead…
Tucker: Yeah, the nerve of those kids, skate boardin' on the sidewalks and spray painting their graffiti and listening to their damn 8-tracks.
Navi: You are so stupid right now I just want to punch you in the face over and over…
Tucker: Yeah, I love you too, Navi, so, hooky?
Dampe': Sure, here you go, young man…
Tucker: Score! Let's go kick some forest temple ass!
And so he did! I mean, later, in the forest temple…
Tucker: …and then we fell over, completely exhausted…
Navi: For the last time, stop telling us how you finish playing twister… If that's what you were doing…
Azreal: Your continuing humility is ridiculous…
Tucker: Thanks buzzkill, you and Navi really are perfect for each other…
Navi: Shut up, you!
Later, after more arguing…
Tucker: Well, this place seems pretty much the same as the game; at least the differences didn't affect this place…
At that moment a giant cage fell from the ceiling and landed on Tucker and Ivana, trapping them inside.
Tucker: DAMNIT!!!!!!!!
Navi: Figures you spoke too soon…
Ivana: How do we get out of here?
Navi: I bet we could go find a switch that would open the cage. Come on, Azreal!
Azreal: Right behind you. We'll be back as soon as we can.
With that, Azreal and Navi flew off to find a switch to open the cage. After a few minutes, Navi was starting to get worried.
Navi: What's the deal? We should be able to find a switch or something in that room, why are we looking so far away?
Azreal: Oh, well, I figured that the logical place to look would be above the room where the cage came from, and I was looking for a place to go up to the next floor.
Navi: Oh, that makes sense, let's keep looking; Tucker and Ivana are probably getting bored and are doing who knows what by now…
Azreal: Those two annoy me so much, and I just met them, I can't imagine what you were going through with those two idiots…
Navi: You said it…
After a few more minutes, Tucker and Ivana were sitting next to each other in the cage playing strip go fish… Ivana had three matches over Tucker, who still had no idea that Ivana couldn't lose since she had no clothing to take off.
Ivana: Any threes?
Tucker: Damn yer good baby! Here ya go…
Tucker handed Ivana his three and Ivana pointed at his shirt, and motioned for Tucker to take it off. Tucker smiled and took it off. After a few more rounds, Tucker was down to nearly nothing and Ivana was wearing all of his clothes. When all of a sudden a bunch of doors around the cage opened up slowly and a dozen stalfos walked out.
Tucker: Oh, POOPY!!!
Stalfo: Raise the cage! We have them!
Tucker: Ivana, quick, give me back my pants!
Stalfo: WHOA! What's going on here?
Ivana: Hang on sweetie; I'll get them off…
Tucker: Whoa, whoa, slow down, baby, take 'em off slowly… Yeah, just like that…
Ivana: Like this?
As Tucker's pants fell around Ivana's ankles, Tucker and all the stalfos were staring, wide-eyed and their mouths hanging open with big smiles on their faces.
Ivana: Just a little thing I do…
Tucker: Okay, I've got my pants, time to kick some ass-less skeleton asses!
Stalfo: That doesn't make sense!
Tucker: It doesn't have to! Take this!
Tucker pulled out the hookshot and fired it at the closest stalfos, which instead of killing it, the hookshot pulled Tucker over to it.
Stalfo: And you were trying to accomplish, what, exactly?
Tucker: Wait, a minute, this thing kills those big things in the meadow, not stalfos, wow, that was important, and I completely forgot it…
Stalfo: Yeah, you're an idiot…
The stalfos punched Tucker in the face and then pile-drived Tucker into the floor with his shield.
Ivana: NO! TUCKER! Hang on!
Ivana ran over to Tucker and picked up his sword, pulled it from the sheath and stood over Tucker. The stalfos looked at each other, then they started laughing.
Ivana: You think it's funny eh? Maybe I should show you what I can really do…
Stalfo: Fine, show us fishy…
Ivana: As you wish… GAME SHARK!!! ZELDA - FINAL TRANSFORMATION!!!!
With that, Ivana began to glow, then as the stalfos backed away, then charged her, a large, glowing blue tail emerged from the light and knocked three of the stalfos into pieces. The remaining stalfos surrounded Ivana as she stopped glowing to reveal her final form, a giant blue dragon with a giant spiked tail and three glowing golden horns.
Stalfo: What the hell is that?
With all the excitement, a final, much larger door in the back opened up and a giant stalfos wearing blood red armor and carrying a giant axe chained to a scythe.
Stalfo: Lord Staltrox, we're having a little trouble, the fool's Zora wench has become some dragon after shouting out, Game Shark…
Staltrox: I've heard of this, the one on the ground uses magic to alter reality; we can beat this monster, its nothing special.
Ivana: You think?! Then bring it on! RRRHHHAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!
Ivana flew up into the air and charged the stalfos; she flew through the group of remaining nine stalfos, then turned around to see that only two of them had been killed. Ivana raised her head and her horns began to glow brighter, Staltrox looked up and raised his shield as Ivana fired a wall of blue fire onto the ground by the stalfos. As the temple burned down in a rage of blue fire, Ivana flew out of the rubble with Tucker wrapped up in her tail. Ivana landed outside the sacred forest meadow, in the center of the lost woods. She laid Tucker down and transformed back to herself. She kneeled down next to tucker, who was just waking up. Tucker sat up and took Ivana's hands in his and looked into Ivana's eyes. As he moved in to kiss her he saw a reflection of something in Ivana's eyes. Tucker turned around and pushed Ivana away as Staltrox's axe caught him in the shoulder.
Tucker: AUGH!!!! DAMNIT!!!! You mother fu-
Staltrox backhanded tucker in the face with his gauntlet and Tucker rolled back and fell to the ground clutching his shoulder. Ivana stepped between Tucker and Staltrox and stared him down. Staltrox's weapon had been severed and he was missing an arm and a lot of his armor, but he still had three feet on Ivana. As Ivana readied the cheat again, Staltrox grabbed her by the face and power-bombed her into the ground. Ivana lied still as Staltrox raised his axe over Ivana, as he readied to strike, a blade shot through his torso and cut off his other arm. Staltrox retreated back a ways and prepared to run, but before he could he was enclosed in a large purple circle of dark energy and in an explosion of fire, a dark form appeared next to him.
Tucker: Couldn't just stick to your own tricks eh?
Form: Look at you, Mr. Cheaterpants…
Tucker: Okay, I asked for that… But why the hell are you here, Zant?
Form: I'm not Zant…
Tucker: Ganondorf?
Form: No…
Tucker: Valerie Bertinelli?
Form: N- what? Who's that?
Tucker: No one knows…
Form: Why don't I just tell you, you seem to be losing a lot of blood…
Tucker: Okay, that sounds fun…
The dark form stepped forward, and the shadows around him disappeared, revealing his true form.
Tucker: Vaati! What the hell are you doing here? You're not even in a consol game; you're in a handheld game!
Vaati: I don't really know why I'm here, but I don't really care, all the more fun to destroy and pillage! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Tucker: What the hell is going on, everyone is totally just making me so angry today! And you do not want me to be angry, punk!
Vaati: And what are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Tucker: MAYBE!!!!
Vaati: Staltrox, eliminate them!
Tucker: Sorry to be the one to tell you this, Vaati, but yer boy's a little under the weather…
Vaati: We'll see, fool!
Vaati's energy circle around Staltrox phased into his body and he re-grew everything that had been destroyed or cut off. Staltrox raised his axe and scythe and bared down on Tucker and Ivana, and as he drew nearer, the outcome looked bleak for the heroes….
Continued next time,
on:
The Legend of Zelda - The New Hero of Time