Fear
They call me fearless.
I'm not fearless. In battle, I'm worried and have fear.
But I guess it isn't real fear.
Real fear I haven't had for years, since my parents died. I hardened my heart. I didn't want to fear again. I never wanted to feel that feeling again. That rush of cold in my blood, that tear of my heart. That trmebling that life is near the end.
I almost forgot that feeling.
Barbics are tough and hard. The Glen Gummies called us heartless, savages.
We aren't savages, nor are we heartless.
We care. I can honestly say that because I've felt it every day of my life, as a leader.
I care for the others, they're my friends, Gritty's like my brother.
And Buddi…
He's…our little one. The youngest of us and the only Barbic not raised in Barbic Woods. He's different than us. He hates battle and war, hates to train. I can't blame him. War isn't fun. I train because I like athletics. I always have. Buddi was a swinger. The monkey of Barbic Woods.
He's agile and small. Smaller than most and physically the weakest. His strength is reserved. It'll come with time. I'm patient enough with that. I think that he feels I'm impatient with him. I'm not. I press training for his good. Humans are always a threat.
Self defense is a must.
I guess he just doesn't get it.
I don't believe myself. I told myself… "Ursa, love caused you pain before. When your parents died, it tore you up. Love is pain. Don't' love…don't."
But I couldn't help it. Buddi made his way into my heart.
I love him.
He's my baby.
I can looked over at him then. Trembling…afraid.
My anger flared. How dare they scare him so. Threaten him? Blast the human….make him burn. Make him pay. But the Glen's words pierced the burning hatred:
"You might hurt sunni and Buddi."
Buddi…MY Buddi? My baby? No…I couldn't hurt him. Hurt the human, make the human pay. But Buddi? No.
We barely met the Glens and now they could see my pain. My worry. My uneasiness. The huamn wanted the horn. A horn that's the key to barbic Woods, our trip home. But…Buddi. He had Buddi.
Put up the hard face Ursa. I cursed myself. The prickling of tears were gathering. I wiped them like dirt from my face. Buddi or the horn? Buddi or Barbic Woods? I looked up again.
Buddi looked at me, even from far away. I could see his eyes, although faintly. They were begging, pleading me.
"Help me."
I turned to the Glen.
"Give the human the horn."
I met the others' eyes. "I've got a plan. Follow me through on it."
They nodded.
The plan worked….but my own anger took me over. I don't remember what I did it for. I just remember the red in my eyes, the…the hatred. I lost it. The human pushed me too far. As a leader, I can't loose it too often. But he messed with Buddi. My Buddi, you didn't do that without dealing with me.
My anger nearly cost me Gritty.
Gritty could take care of himself. I was worried, but I wasn't afraid.
He was fine, and so was the cub. The Glens are even with us now. We are on friendly terms. Gritty and I agreed then, although reluctanelty. We agreed with the Glens.
That horn was too deadly.
I nearly lost my best friend, Gritty and my baby, Buddi.
As the others went into the city, pushing the horn, I pulled Buddi from his friend, from the yellow furred girl. He stared at me.
I didn't say anything, just knelt and wrapped my arms around him. I could feel him tense, bewildered. But I just held him. If things had gone differently…it…
I shook my head then and I shake it now. That happened months ago. The Glens and I have become closer since then but I still shake my head about that moment. What if…
I don't like the ifs. I hate them. I'll remember that day the rest of life.
Love's a powerful thing.
That day…when I saw Buddi there, helpless, defenseless….
Then…I…
I…
It's the same even now. If I ever see Buddi like that again, in pain, in danger, the same thing will happen that happened then.
Because when I saw him and saw that I might lose him….might lose my baby…
I was truly afraid.