"De profúndis clamávi ad te - Out of the depths I cry to you."
Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.
Beta: Ivy Rose Thorn
From the Depths
02:33 a.m. 12-19-2004:
Dear diary
I can't say I am a big writer, but since I got this as a present from Natsuki, I might as well use it. So, this is my first entry. Oh wait, this should read: Dear diary… (sounds too stupid) Anyhow, I guess this was the best birthday I've had in a long time. Mai-san was thoughtful enough to throw a big party and invited all of my friends. Well, Natsuki's friends. I don't think I can actually call them that after what I did during the carnival, but still I was very happy to spend the day with them. My parents weren't thrilled that I celebrated my birthday in a karaoke shop, but I enjoyed being away from them for my birthday at least once. This house is way too big and old-fashioned to have a good party.
Natsuki is slowly starting to ease up around people again. I have a feeling that the carnival has destroyed something in her. Or maybe I have… I wonder if she will ever be able to forgive me for real. She said she did right after we'd been resurrected, but I'm not entirely sure if she really meant those words. I mean she just came back from the dead and I was crying, so of course she would want to comfort me. I wish I could have remained a good friend to her. Maybe that's a lie… I can tell that she's acting different towards me, but I can understand. I just hope that she might reconsider one day. I will try to do my best to win her trust back but deep down she's such a fragile person; I'm not sure if there is redemption.
04:15 p.m. 12-31-2004:
Time to sum up
I think I can say that this year has been quite unique. My HiME powers had vanished after they had gotten extremely dangerous, and my world had been turned upside down since I was forced to face my inner demons... I am still not comfortable with what I did, but I try to live with the sins as good as possible. I mean, how do you live with the fact that you've attacked your friends and betrayed the trust of your dearest one… I even killed people. I know that some of them deserved it, but still… Their blood is on my hands and there is no way to ever wash it away. I can't be really thankful that I was resurrected. But I feel obligated to use that second chance for living a better life. I think Mai did right by destroying the carnival. This obstacle of uncontrollable powers is gone once and for all. Well, the demons are gone but my love for her still remains. Still unrequited… It's New Year's Eve. Tonight I might be brave enough to try once more. Lately, things started to go smoother between me and Natsuki. We were out for dinner last week. It felt like a date to me, although I'm not sure if it was her intention. But nevertheless, she was the one inviting me. Our hands touched shortly before dessert and she even laid her arm around me on the way home when she saw that I was feeling cold. This might be wishful thinking, but maybe there really is more to it. I get the feeling she's trying to accept my feelings. I hope I'm not imagining things. Wish me luck. Oh well, better wish me courage.
08:00 p.m. 01-01-2005:
Trembling
She kissed me back… I can't believe that this is real… It was like a good old movie. Everyone was celebrating New Year and I turned around to embrace her but then our eyes locked in a way that left no room for doubts. I got so lost in the emerald ocean that I couldn't stop myself from drawing her in for a kiss. I remember that my lips were trembling, but so were hers. It was an innocent kiss, yet so powerful that it brought tears to my eyes. I wish this would have been our first… But sadly I can't turn back time… She smiled at me after breaking the kiss. I swear even now my heart is racing when I think of the softness of her lips. This girl is still driving me crazy.
Today felt like a dream and I'm trying to catch the rest of it because maybe it will have vanished when I wake up tomorrow.
07:50 p.m. 01-13-2005:
Almost
I've been quite busy (in a good way). Recently Natsuki and I spend a lot of time. She has yet to say the words to make my life complete… But we're on a good path. I know we are. She wouldn't have allowed my kiss on New Year's Eve and wouldn't go out with me otherwise, right? I should stop having these doubts. Finally, my life is starting to go right. My parents keep asking me about her and why I am always with her. I think my mother knows the reason, but she would never ask me of course. This is one of the things that will be ignored by the prestigious Fujino-family for as long as possible.
09:05 a.m. 03-23-2005:
Girlfriend
The results from the finals of my first semesters are out. I didn't get the best score. My parents were quite mad at me, but I have to admit that having a girlfriend can be very distracting. Yes, I am allowed to call her that now. Well, not in public and in front of my parents, but at least in private. I love the sound of it. I think Natsuki doesn't like it very much. She still blushes every time I call her that. But believe me there are a lot of other things that make her blush even more…
07:15 a.m. 03-25-2005
Aishiteru
This was a rather short night… But the sleep loss was worth every second of last night's experience… I went over to her apartment but she didn't open the door. I walked around the building to see if she was on the balcony and found her in the garden. Slowly approaching her, I hushed a low 'hi'. She said 'hi' too. It was a very trivial scene, but then there was silence. No kiss, no hug, just silence. It wasn't uncomfortable at all, just different. She soon noticed that I was feeling cold and we decided to go inside. Sitting on her bed we still said nothing at all. I asked her if I did something wrong and she answered that I haven't done anything wrong and that she's just feeling melancholic. She looked like she was going to cry and I could feel my heart breaking seeing her so vulnerable. I reached out to cup her cheek. It felt warm… Her eyes locked with mine and I started feeling a bit uncomfortable and looked away. But she pressed my hand harder against her cheek and said 'Don't look away. Trust me.' And without questioning I did. I was looking straight into her eyes and I felt safe. My heart began to beat faster because I felt myself drawn to her lips and I could feel that I couldn't do anything against it. I closed my eyes and leaned in. Just close enough to feel her sweet breath upon my bottom lip. I couldn't resist any longer and closed the last distance between us. Her lips felt so soft and tender. It was a very slow kiss. Shy at first, only caressing. But the kiss soon got more passionate. My heart was racing, but it felt so good and right. Neither of us was in control. It was as if our tongues were melting into each other and I could feel my knees growing weak under her light moaning. Thank god I was sitting on the bed, otherwise I might have fainted kissing the most beautiful woman on earth.
We broke the kiss for some much needed air, but I was soon pulled in for another one. I didn't even realize that I laid my other hand on her ribcage. It was hard to hold my balance and so I was leaning in further, practically forcing her to lie down on her back, placing my left leg between hers. I totally lost it at this point I think because it was impossible to stop kissing her. Quite the opposite, I started stroking along her ribcage while kissing my way from her neck to her collarbone. I could feel her body tremble under my touch, but she didn't seem to dislike it since she was holding me close. I slowly began to lift her shirt and started to kiss her stomach. She gasped as I traced the line of her bra with my fingertips, kissing my way up to her chest. I smiled over the reaction and I felt the need to have her lips on mine once more. I was still tracing the lines of her bra before I lost the last bit of hesitation. I was not sure if it was okay, but I couldn't think clearly at this moment. So I started caressing her left breast. I could feel her moaning in our kiss and pushed up her shirt completely. Surprisingly she did the same with mine. I could only look at her and admire her beauty while she was laying there looking at me with the most gorgeous eyes. She sat herself up and began to kiss my ribcage and I nearly passed out. She was stroking my back and I got goosebumps all over my body. Before I had a chance to realize it she unclasped my bra. Not wanting to completely lose control I gently pushed her on her back again… not before getting rid of her bra as well of course. God she looked so beautiful… I started kissing her breasts and it was hard not to rip of all of her clothes at once. I was tracing down an invisible line with my lips to her waistline when the thought of what I am doing here hit me and I instantly stopped and looked at her. I insecurely asked if I should stop and she just breathed "No… I love you." I felt like flying high in the sky and started to unbutton her jeans. I began to kiss the inner side of her right knee… slowly kissing my way up to her pelvis…
Don't know the time right now. I suppose 1 a.m. or something 05-09-2005:
Stubborn
I can't sleep. Things have become very chaotic. Natsuki's father stopped sending her money and she can't live with me at my parents after they found out about the two of us sharing one bed during the night. I've never seen my father so mad, but for Natsuki, I would even abandon my family. Although this might be not necessary since they threw me out anyway because of my 'likes'. If they don't accept me for who I am then I won't bother to live their prestigious life anymore. I've smiled enough for nothingness. And just when I thought that things were now pretty clear, Natsuki started to behave like a stubborn child. I practically had to talk her into looking for an apartment for the two of us. She wanted to live in the dorms to room with Nao since Aoi moved to Chie. But I don't have a good feeling about that troublesome girl. I think it's better if we go through this difficult time together. We had a small fight about it and she left smashing the door in my face. She can be very dramatic at times. Of course, she would run away instead of talking things over. But she doesn't really have a choice anyway, and neither do I.
12.30 p.m. 06-01-2005:
New Beginning old foes
I can't believe how much I love the new apartment. Natsuki kept telling me that we don't need so much space, but what can I say. I am used to having some room, and the view is just perfect. She can even see her favorite cliff. I am too excited about this. Somehow I have the feeling that she's still not comfortable with the idea of living with me, but I'm sure we're gonna make it. She has been very quiet for the last few weeks, but she never was a very talkative person. I hope she's not really mad about the whole thing. I mean she was mad, but it's too late to go back now. I swear she sometimes drives me insane. Such a stubborn girl.
09:15 p.m. 06-17-2005:
Choices
The new job is exhausting but it pays the rent. Sometimes I am a bit sad that I had to drop out of college, but as long as Natsuki is finishing school, I have no choice. We need the money after all.
09:00 p.m. 08-01-2005:
Away
It's been fairly long since I took the time to write something. Next week will be her graduation. But she doesn't seem happy at all. To be honest, she has started to act a bit weird lately. I don't know exactly what it is, but something is off. She spends a lot time away from home. Maybe we need some time alone, but I hardly get to see her out of bed, and even then we hardly talk. Things have become difficult…
10:30 p.m. 08-14-2005:
Twists and turns
Something's going on. I just don't know what. I came home early today and I saw her in the city with Nao. I asked her what she had been doing today when she came home in the evening and she said she was with Mai… I hope that little delinquent doesn't lure her into dangerous business. Tomorrow is her birthday. I wish we could have the day just for the two of us. But Natsuki wanted to have a party with her friends.
02:15 a.m. 08-16-2005:
Insomnia
It's in the middle of the night and I cannot fall asleep. You're lying next to me sound asleep. I don't want to wake you up again. You drank way too much and ended up shouting at me. I don't even know how it started, but I remember your words. I am not a control freak, and believe me I work really hard to make a living for us. I don't understand what made you said those things. Tears are forcing their way outside while I am writing these lines down. I wish I could press my body close to yours like I used to, but somehow I know that it wouldn't feel right. I don't know if it was the alcohol that made you act like a different person. It feels like I don't know the person who's lying next to me. Tell me, is this stranger you? Are you really the Natsuki I've fallen in love with? Do you still know who I am?
11:45 p.m. 09-27-2005:
Maybe
It feels like we have lost all words on the long and stony way of our relationship. We hardly talk and I don't know what to do. She seems to avoid me whenever she can and we end up fighting about old problems over and over again. I get the feeling she never really has forgiven me for all the things that went wrong. For all the things I did. Will there ever be redemption? Maybe her job at the bookstore wears her out…I hope she'll be back to her old self soon.
01:35 a.m. 09-30-2005:
Hypocrisy?
I thought that this one kiss on New Year's Eve could answer all my questions; would erase all rights and wrongs and in fact, it did in a way. For me, it really did. But I found out that it's not only about …We've shared many kisses since then, but just now I begin to doubt that they meant the same for her as for me. The doubt is creeping through my veins like deadly poison. My entire system seems to be infected. I can feel it pulling on my nerves and I am afraid to have these dark emotions. I don't believe her when she tells me she had to work. I've called the store many times and they told me her shift was already over. I never asked because I didn't want to know. Because I believed in her, but I'm starting to fall from grace.
11:40 a.m. 10-08-2005:
Demons
They're back. The voices… the demons. I've heard them loud and clear. I don't know if I am imagining things, but I am scared. Maybe I am becoming crazy. I should turn on the lights. The shadows scare me as I am waiting for you to come home. I can imagine where you are. I guess, you'll tell me you have been at Mai's. Just like you always do… and I will nod and swallow your lie just like I always do.
03:10 a.m. 10-21-2005:
Seek me
Remember me… Forget about me. Let me go. Hold on to me. Love me. Hate me. Scream. Whisper. Do something…
Don't just stay there every time and look at me with forgiving eyes. I know you're doing this for me and not for yourself. I know you can't forgive me. I know you don't want to be nice anymore, but you try. For me only… For the world. For your friends. That's just the kindness I'd have expected from you. But it's not what I sought.
I want you. The real you. Everything of you. I want you to believe that it wasn't me. That I was manipulated. That I didn't kill all those people during that damn carnival. That I didn't take advantage of you when you were most fragile. I want to lie to you. To keep on pretending, but everything is upside down. Now you're the one faking smiles for me, and I am down on my knees pouring my heart out right in front of you. I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. But that's all I've got left and I am too weak to walk away. I'd rather take this than nothing at all. Faked smiles? Alright with me as long as they are for me. Tense conversations? Better than silence. Deep down inside I might be ugly. I might even be guilty of all the sins, but then… I am sure with you by my side everything should be just fine. So, won't you stay? Won't you save me again? Take my soul and make me whole again. It's terrible that I've lost my soul to you. If it would only be my heart it would be so much easier… But my soul has deeply fallen in love with you and I'm afraid it won't ever stop loving you. And I can't let go even when I know that you've been with her again.
11:00 p.m. 10-20-2005:
Again
You keep coming home late. Not every night, but every so often. You really think I'm an idiot, and in fact, I am…
10:05 p.m. 10-25-2005:
History
I keep thinking about what to do to make things right again day after day; night after night, but I fear it's out of my hands. My thoughts play our history over and over and I get stuck on the carnival ever so often.
'For as long as you remember me to be the person who had loved you the most. For now and ever. I will even make the world my enemy.'
I thought I would always feel this way, but you've proven me wrong. Greed can never be justified by love. They won, Natsuki. They won. I've sinned again. I've failed. I've destroyed you. You gave hope to me and kept nothing left for yourself. Believe me, I could have easily killed that little delinquent if it wasn't for you stopping me, and now that I think about it, it seems almost funny. Did you already have a thing for her back then? Have you lied to me all along? What for? To pay me back? To make me feel the pain? We should have remained dead together.
04:00 a.m. 11-10-2005:
Anything is so much more than nothing
I am a malfunction. I am the reason for our suffering. I am the death of your purity and now you've become the monster. I made you this way. I turned you into a devil. I was willing to do anything, and now I have to pay my debt. And you? You just look at me with empty eyes. Emerald, right? Those were the days. It's all gone. I erased every color. And as I lie here next to you in the darkness of the night I do nothing more than pray for this world to come back to me. I hope and pray and cry and fail. You won't come back. You're long gone. There's nothing left of the cute and innocent girl that I adored so much. We call it relationship when all we have is nothing more than pain and hollowness. We work, we eat, we sleep, we fuck, but we don't live. We don't love. I killed your love for me with my needs and you killed mine with your kindness. You turn around, willing to fulfill your duty and I still can't deny my need for you.
Your dark strands scatter across your back as you position yourself on top of me. You are the night that surrounds me. The more your hand reaches out to me the more it hurts. It's gently swaying my soul back and forth over the invisible blades on your skin. The touch I don't remember, but the pain I can feel even now. Isn't it supposed to feel good; to be soft like feathers? It's nothing like that. Your kisses don't reach me anymore. They recoil from my flesh like the waves from the rocks of those fateful cliffs. None of them get under my skin. None of them leave a mark. It's because I know… I know it's just a farce and I am just another body. I know if somebody is fucking my body and not my soul. I can tell you know. It's all about guilt and duty, not about being special. Not about feeling touched deep inside your heart. I was so dumb. I believed all of this shit once… Once everything was different, but now… Now after we broke down our relationship to simply fucking, I discover it was never more than that. At least for you. And I just lie here pretending to like what you do. My naked body bends under your moves. My voice begs for more while my mind screams in torment. And strangely enough somehow I really enjoy it. Although it might only be the pain I like. My skin burns under your touches but my heart is cold. It won't ignite again. I've loved me dead on you. You thought you had to accept my feelings. You thought you had to do it for my sake, and I took what I could get because anything is so much more than nothing.
03:27 a.m. 11-28-2005:
Shades of gray
We've become shadows… Balefully we throw darkness behind everything that is touched by light. Hiding ourselves behind walls of words and silence. Your soul – which I thought I did know from head to heel, from inside out and back again – shades of gray are all that remains. Nothing more than a dark wall made of false hopes and small talk conversations. Repression makes it easy to live side by side, yet my thoughts seem unbearable. Impossible, the imagination to love you forever and to wait for you to finally love me back. You are no more. Your magic is gone. It has gotten lost in the monotony of gray. ... Gray… a color produced when you mix all colors together. I wanted too much, and you've absorbed everything into you. Only to keep me sane, to eventually notice that there is no going back. You've taken more and more of each color. Gray cannot be undone. It is a dreary mush. Not knowing how to live through your colorless soul I've painted our future black the day I started to love you without regret.
Another night where you came home late, another lie, another nightmare. Please keep pretending, please keep lying, I don't want to hear the truth. I don't want you to speak out loud what we both know. Just keep on coming home.
09:50 p.m. 12-12-2005:
Addiction
The perfect picture of us that I've once created in my mind still keeps our souls imprisoned. They are captured and they can't break free as long as I hold on to this reverie. The years swept away the key to freedom and happiness and I don't know where to fall next. How many times have I closed the box filled with our memories? And how many times have I deleted your number and promised myself finally to forget you because this time it was too much? How many times have I broken off contact with you and screamed at you after you had come home late again, lying right into my face? How many times have I dreamt of leaving you and woke up next to you? How many times did I run out of the door crying, vowing to never ever come back again? So many times, so so many… So often I reopened the box and crammed out your number. Again and again I walked through our door and even now I know that I am still not able to close it for real.
08:10 p.m. 01-14-2006:
Now and then
Ne Natsuki, will you allow me to leave some words in your protection now and then? I might not be strong enough to swallow all the emotions forever. It has always been hard for me to cut all bonds, hasn't it? You were always better in concealing your emotions. I'm still not used to the pain, and I secretly whisper your name every day in the emptiness of our bedroom while I'm waiting for you, pretending to be asleep when I hear your footsteps on the cold floor. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to simply shut up. I mean there shouldn't be the need to say these things out loud, and yet I want you to hear them. I want you hear me saying how much I miss you, how much it hurts to know you're happy with someone other than me, how much I love you… but I shouldn't do this, and that's why I try to stay silent, but god… I miss you so much. I try to be happy for you, but the pain is so much more powerful. I'm sorry for my weakness, if I wasn't so weak, I would have freed you long ago, but as long as I can have anything of you I don't dare to let go. Even when I tell my mind that it would be the right thing to do, it is my heart that screams out in terror. If only I wouldn't wish for me to be the one who would make you smile. If only I would be the one kissing your lips… but I am nothing more than the sweet desperation that pulls on you from time to time, the pity that makes your heart heavy in a moment of silence. I am your shadow, dark and alone; destined to die away in daylight. Yes, I might be a stranger to you, but still a stranger that loves you more than anyone ever could, and even knowing that I'm so far away from your heart that you will never know what could have been, doesn't hold me back from following you around. Even, if I would die tonight, you'd never know just how much I am willing to do for your love. It might sound stupid to write these things down when you're lying next to me. But you wouldn't understand. At least you're still with me. This sounds wrong. You still come home, but I'm sure you don't think of this as a relationship anymore. I'm glad though, that you're so kind and don't leave me alone. It's better to have you home with me in the night than to know you would spend the night with her. You're my girl after all…
11:55 p.m. 01-22-2006:
From the depths
I scream at you, but no words leave my throat. There's nothing I could say or do to make you come back. You won't come back. You gave away your life to be with me. You chose to be an empty shell just because I couldn't accept that our love really is different. I'd rather die than to live side by side with someone I can never have. Our kisses and touches could freeze over hell. I know because they froze me. It's my petrified heart that can't beat on or back. And so I am captured in this desolation with my personal Eden in front of me, but always too far away to be reached. Don't you think I know that there are others? Did you think I didn't see you with that lime-eyed bitch? Is she locking your love away from me? Is she? I'll rescue you. I'll bring you back to me. Don't you worry. I'll make this vow to save your soul from her. She can't have you. You belong with me.
Out of the depths I cry to you.
Love me.
06:00 a.m. 02-18-2006:
All over again
I hold no promises in my heart for you… I can say no words to comfort you… I can do nothing without hurting you… so I will do nothing… hopefully… you will gradually forget about me… I will disappear from your thoughts… only to be another face in your bank of memories…hopefully you will learn to live without me… to find happiness without me… to love without me… so go… find love… true love… and leave me here… only to be crowded by hundreds of people you will see and meet… leave me here… and don't come find me… That is my love for you… that is how I will protect you… that is how I will ensure that you don't make me fall in love with you… all over again…
05:00 p.m. 03-17-2006:
The debtor
You are the death of me. I've known it since the day I first laid eyes on you. I just thought I had already paid the debt by dying once, but it seems it's not enough… The days fly by like seconds and months are ticked away in the blink of an eye. I don't know how long I've been nodding to your lies, but I somehow don't get used to the pain. This has to end soon.
09:24 p.m. 03-20-2006
By the way
And, by the way, when have you stopped caring for me? When have you stopped hearing my screams? When have you stopped whispering my name? I am just asking because it seems I've missed out on something here.
April 2006:
My last goodbye
I rip out my heart with my bare hands and watch it throbbing in my palm. Such a gory scene, yet beautiful to look at. It wears the color of love. Just like a good heart should be. This should be the true meaning of disheartening… I was right, it really has stopped beating. I am a bit disappointed though. I had hoped it was just damaged, but it appears to be broken.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to do this. I had to. The pain in my chest was driving me crazy, and I had to stop myself from driving you crazy. Therefore, I extracted it. Some things just need to be done. I don't like doing this, but I have to be sure. So I cut it open to look for these demons, to see for myself where the malfunction is coming from. The love pours out of the incision like a fountain. I guess there was huge pressure on the inside. It's such a bloody mess, but I am sure I'll find some answers here that are simply missing in my brain. I take out all the people that had made themselves comfortable inside of it. I remove one by one precisely. But I can't find what I am looking for. I need to dig deeper. I wonder where all this useless stuff is coming from. I can't even remember having these futile dreams that cross my way down to the core. I throw them away one after another. Who needs these happy endings? I'm almost there I believe. I can see a chest that's filled with memories. Maybe if I take this sneaky little thing out, it'll start working again. I shatter the seal and I'm delighted about the content. There you are. I eagerly start extracting the memories. There's no need to rush. One at a time. After I've taken out all the "I love you-s", I found some feelings hiding in the darkest corner. But they can't escape my watchful eyes. I grab them along with all your words and crush them. This is it. I've hollowed it out and replaced the promises with lies. Completion.
That's what I thought, but still it doesn't seem right.
Damn, what is wrong with this thing? It really is completely useless I think as I throw it away. The hole in my chest starts to burn as the empty red shell hits the ground. No, wait, I didn't know. Nobody told me that this stupid leak would kill me. I can easily refill it with something more useful. Just give me a second. Here it is. That should do the trick. See, it's almost the same size. Yeah, I know. The color is different, but it's dark inside of me anyway, so gray should match this turmoil perfectly. I know it's called a stone, but names are only words, and words are only disguised emotions. So, believe me. This one's a worthy substitute. It doesn't even feel as heavy as that damn old throbbing thing. I'm glad I could finally get rid of it.
It started with words and will end with them.
This is farewell.
I close the diary as I hear your footsteps at the doorway. A short look at the clock tells me that it's half past eleven. But time doesn't matter anymore. Tonight will be a new beginning. Our second chance. I can make it happen. I am not afraid anymore.
"It's late." I say while you walk inside the apartment with your usual 'hello'. It has always been late since you've decided to stay away from me as much as possible.
"I know. I'm sorry. Got caught up at Mai's." Your eyes avoid mine and your words are short and precise just as always. I wonder if you can tell the difference in my voice.
"Again?" But you don't bother to answer. "So, I suppose you've already eaten."
"Yes."
"I see." No, I don't think you can tell. But soon you'll know.
"Shizuru." I haven't heard you say my name in such a soft tone for a while.
"Yes. What is it darling?"
"I think we need to talk." I'm quite surprised. Maybe I've underestimated you.
"It's funny that you say that just now." I smile. Not because I have to, but because I'm happy that the suffering will be over soon. "I also wanted to talk."
"Uhg, that's good… You know, I've been thinking about us a lot for a long time and I don't think that this works out too well." You probably expected silence, but I can't provide any more of that.
"Ara ara, my silly little Natsuki. There is no need to keep on pretending." It's hard to remain serious. I find the whole situation hilarious.
"I… I don't understand." Of course, you don't. How could you?
"I know that you're with that sneaky bitch. I've known for quite a while."
"What you're talking about?"
"Aww, so innocent, my love. I don't quite think so. I have to say, I don't like to be lied to." I can barely hide my excitement, but I'm a good actor. I always have been.
"I don't…"
"Hush…" I place my index finger over your lips to stop you from speaking anymore untrue words.. Those warm lips that I adore so much. Oh, I want to taste them once more…
"Jeez, what are you doing, Shiz?"
"Kissing my beloved Natsuki of course."
"I don't think you understand what I'm trying to tell you."
"Sure I do. You want to leave me." Another smile crossed my lips and I'm almost too thrilled to hold back a fit of laughter. "And this is me refusing your decision." I proclaim as I push your body against the wall. This perfect shaped body that gave me so much pleasure. But to imagine your pale skin tainted by others makes my eye twitch. I don't like sharing at all.
"What the…"
"Ah, my little Natsuki can be so dense at times." The sound of my hand slapping your cheek echoes through the room. Your eyes are filled with questions I am not even considering to answer. All this talking is so bothersome although I never wished for more than this in the last months, but somehow it's too late. I don't even know when it started but I can definitely say that it will end tonight.
"Shizuru, what the hell is going on?" I can tell that you're confused. Your voice is shaking. Oh, how I've missed these emotions coming from you.
"You don't have to worry about anything anymore. I will make sure that little slut can't have her way with you." My words are still floating out of my mouth without flaw. Even the most horrible things can sound nice with the right kind of accent.
"Why do you drag Nao into this?" You shout after me while I leave you alone with your questions to take care of some things here and there in the kitchen. But you just won't shut up. "This is something about you and me only." Liar.
"You and me only, you say… That's sound almost too romantic…" I chuckle as I slide the knife out of the kitchen-drawer. I let it rest in my hand for a moment. The handle feels cold just like my heart. Suddenly, I hear your voice right behind me.
"Shiz, what are doing?" I can sense the uneasiness in your voice as I let the tip of the knife strive over the door of the refrigerator. The sound hurts my ears and I'm getting tired of this conversation. I turn around. A small smile crosses my lips before I lift my head for locking my gaze with yours. You look afraid. Almost fragile as I slowly come close, clenching the knife tightly in my hand.
"You know Natsuki… I think sometimes love is too much for one person to take. It's not meant to be on its own. It needs a counterpart. Something to keep it sane. It is okay as long as both share the love for each other, but if one starts to fall out of love… Well, the balance is off and then the other person has to carry all the love alone, and if the love is still growing it might become too heavy; too overwhelming to think clearly. It might take over your mind and soul and it might even make you do things that you would regret later. Love can become very dangerous if you let it conquer you completely." I can feel your breath upon my lips. Your eyes are filled with confusion and fear. I can't remember getting so much emotion from you in the last year. This really seems to do the trick and I am quite happy to have such an effect on you again. I can hear you whisper a barely audible 'why' and I wonder that you even ask such a stupid question when the answer is so obvious. Why? I really have a hard time controlling myself to keep from breaking out into laughter. Because I love you, silly. I think you still didn't get my point here and so I try to explain myself to you once again.
"I'm sick you know. Sick with love and there is no cure. I have lost my soul to you and in a way I believe we're both lost in each other. Only that you're about to find another way out… But I'm still not ready. Not yet. Not now. You have to understand that this is my way of freeing us from this bond. So, I guess Natsuki… Love is neither good nor bad. It just is. In any form we can imagine, it is. Be it the deepest madness or the highest high, it is. And for me love has always been you. You are my love, Natsuki. You want me to let go? I will. You want me to move on. I will. I will erase my love by all means. You and I were made for this." The knife starts to get heavy in my right hand while my left grabs your wrist. I'm amazed that you don't struggle too much. "It's not too bad, we've been here before, don't you remember? We are already dead. There is no need to be afraid. They've made a mistake in bringing us back. I'm sure of it. But I'll correct this now." The knife slides so perfectly through your skin that I am not really sure if I did it right. But when your muscles give in and your lungs start to cough for air I'm relieved. My eyes never leave yours as you slowly slide down to ground. I can feel warm liquid pouring over my hand. I lay down my head on your chest to hear your heart beating once again. It's faint but I can hear it fight. It has always been so fragile. I'm sure it must be tired. I hush it to sleep before I bring my mouth close to yours to take in your last breath. I close your eyes and kiss you goodnight one last time.
Eternity
Dear diary, this is the first day of my new life. Our everlasting today starts here. She's already gone and I'll be with her soon. I'll be lying down next to her in a second and I'll make sure to have my lips locked with hers when I let the knife do us a last favor. For now and always... she's all mine.