The Shattered Table

Chapter I :

Well hello there beautiful readers , so this is my first fic ever , so if you see some mistake , I am sorry … English isn't my first nor my second language so…

… about this story , humm , I've been thinking about it for over a month now , and I wanted to write it down because it's an awesome one , althought I hope to be able to write it without any problem , now *cracks fingers* let's start .

He stood there , motionless , tall and dark , before the veil , merlin felt his heart sink as the reality hit him , 'he's going to sacrifice himself' merlin thought , Lancelot , the noblest of them all ,ready to die for the greater good , ready to die so that they can live , so that merlincan live , he didn't even feel his eyes closing until he opened them to meet two dark brown ones , lancelot's .

they say that the eye is a window to the soul , and merlin never new how much of that saying is true , because at that moment he could see and feel every emotion that passed onto those beautiful eyes , determination , fear , contentement , and happiness , he was happy to do it , and that hurts more than anything else , he must think that his life is worth less than his brothers in arm , 'I need to stop him he can't kill himself , he doesn't even know how much he means to me , I have to stop him ', but before merlin could do anything , lancelot entered the veil .

And everything went white as a strong light came from where the the tear was , and just as quickly it came , it disapered , and lancelot with it , they say that when someone is dying , all his life flash before his eyes , merlin saw everything from that glorious day when Lance entered his life , saving him from a gryphon in the process , until the last smile he gave merlin before he entered the damned veil , he could almost hear his heart shatter , he couldn't believe he just lost another loved one , not only had he lost his best friend , and everything that he embodied , a friend ,a confident and a pillar , but he also lost the brother that he never had , his brother in all but blood , all he could hear was the pump of his blood , and the drumb of his heart …

…"Merlin"…

He heard a a faint wailing , and didn't know where it came from …

… " merlin wake up " ….

He didn't even feel the wetness of his cheeks , and then everything became clearer , as the reality around him came into focus , the screams he has been hearing were coming from him , and he couldn't stop , all of the other knights started to stir , he couldn't have cared less … he couldn't breath …

… '' MERLIN WAKE UP , PLEASE WAKE UP MY BOY IT'S JUST A DREAM , WAKE UP '' …

Merlin felt his body beeing shaked by someone , he didn't know who , so he opened his eyes to a concerned gaius , " w- what's happening ?"

"you were having another nightmare , but this one seems to have shaken you more than the others "

" … how so ? "

" … you were … uhm , you were screaming lancelot's name , and you started to cry "

Merlin held his hands to his cheeks , and felt there a wetness , and that simple touch , that simple feeling broke him , he felt the lump in his throat come out in shaky sobs , which morphed to to a heart wrenching wail .

" … There my boy , let it out , let it all out … " wispered the old man to merlin's ears , gaius couldn't bear the sight of his ward crying , but he knew this moment would come sooner or later , he knew that for years , merlin have been supressing his own feeling , his own griefs , for the sake of his friends , for the sake of camelot , and it was eating him alive from the inside , long gone is the cheeky , puppy dog eyed , always cheerful merlin that barged in to his life almost 7 years ago , what happened to that boy ? gaius didn't even know that he was saying all that out loud , until he heard merlin saying between sobs

"h-he .. he grew up… "

They stayed huddled together for a long time until merlin stopped crying , and the sobs became shaky breaths .

" … what's happening to you my boy , you've been having dreams , or should I say nightmares , for over a month now … "

After a long moment of silence , merlin exhaled a long breath and started talking , and pouring his heart out

" I … I can't do this anymore … I mean … I just can't … I feel so lonely , I've been a rock to all my friend all these years , but I … I am human too , at least I hope I am , because after all I have done , I feel like I am a murderer , and a liar , and a criminal … a monster … "

"… don't you dare say that , merlin" blurted gaius " you're nothing like a monster , you are the most brave , most selfless , and most caring person I have ever had the pleasure to meet , and since the moment you came into my life , you have been nothing but a blessing , to me , to arthur , to gwen and all the knights , sure they don't know who you are , but that doesn't mean they don't care , I can't vouch for that lot, but I can say personaly , you are the son I always wished I had … and I hope that you too see me as a father … " he continued

The physician looked up only to see merlin staring at him with big loving eyes " of course I see you as a father gaius , I wouldn't know what I would've done without you , you were sometimes the only light in a tunel of darkeness , you are the only one who keeps me sane , and this with the knowledge of all I have done , of course you are my family… "

"but it's just too hard , I have lost all the people I loved and who loved me back , all of me , first will and then Balinor , and of course Freya , I didn't think I would come back from her loss , did you know that I planed to elope with her , huh yeah I know " added merlin as he saw gaius widening eyes .

" we were going to escape the night that she died , but she didn't want me to abandon my 'destiny' and thus she escaped in the middle of the night without me and got herself killed , and because the fates seems to have a twisted sense of humour , arthur and leon were the ones to kill here , not that I hold it against them in anyway , they didn't know her , they didn't know that she was cursed , they didn't know that she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen , they didn't know how smart and kind she was , or that I was in love with her , they only saw what she was on the outside , a monster , and that sometimes scares me … what if they saw the same thing if they knew about me … " confesed merlin .

" You don't know that , merlin " said gaius trying to reassure merlin but failing

" … neither do you , we'll just have to wait and see , and pray to the fates … wich is not a comforting thought after all "

" but her death couldn't even compare to the raw hurt and misery and depression that weight on my heart since lancelot's death , I know it's been almost a year but it's still hurts just like the first day , and I didn't even have the right to mourn him , because I had to be there for arthur , and for gwen , and then for the knights , but no one was there for me … I felt … I still feel like I would crumble at any moment , and they still don't notice , I have sacrificed so much for them , and they still treat me like an idiot servant , and I know they care for me their own way , but it still hurts to be always underestimated ,and always overlooked , like I was some kind of disposable thing .

I had to watch all of them go from beeing commoners and mere servants , to knights and queens , I mean I do attend the round table meetings , but only as a servant so that their cups never dry out , never as an equal as arthur had said we were in that abondonned castle."

"but I had lancelot , he was the only one who knew me and who still loved me , and when I lost him , I think I lost a big part of my self with him … don't get me wrong I love all of the knights and arthur and gwen , I would lay my life at any moment for them without even blinking , but lancelot , I would've sold my soul to the devil to only watch him live again even for just a second , but he was taken away from me , like everything else … and then morgana taunted his memory by bringing him back to seduce gwen … and I had to see him die all over again , I can't do this anymore gaius , I am so tired … I just want it to be over … " concluded merlin with watery eyes

Gaius knew that his protégé was hurt , but he never thought that he would be this damaged so as any father would do , he tried to reassure merlin " you know they say that it's always darkest just before dawn , so maybe this is your darkest moment before you shine and be apreciated for who you really are "

"… I hope so gaius … I really hope so " said merlin barely above a wisper

How extreamly wrong they both were .