So, I have been trying to come up with something that is just plain fun to write for when I am having writer's block on my main story, A Savior Too Late, and this came to me while my girlfriend and I were watching a particular anime. Kudos to you if you realize which one it is. It's not really that hard to figure out if you're an avid anime viewer. For the most part, this fic will not follow any particular storyline. It is set in the Enchanted Forest and it's completely AU. You will also notice that a lot of characters will be OOC. Also, I do not consider this to be a crossover since no characters from said anime will make an appearance. It is solely based off the idea and concept of that anime. Anyways, remember, this is not intended to be a serious fanfic. It's all just for shits and giggles. You don't have to read it if it's not your cup of tea, but if you do, let me know what you think. Let the hilarity ensue!
Swan Zero Point Five
Frigid cold rain pelted the cobblestone ground that the man's bare feet walked up. He cringed every time the chestnut-coated mule trotting next to him stepped in a puddle, effectively splashing him with more cold water. The jackass, which had been the reason he was missing his boots in the first place, would not even let him ride atop its back. There was extra space in the chest of his leather cuirass, but the bands around his shoulders and arms were a bit too snug making it quite uncomfortable. Thankfully, his soaked scraggly blonde hair was pulled back into a low pony-tail, or else it would all be annoyingly stuck to his face.
The damned mule stomped into another shallow pool of water, which the blonde man assumed was intentional. He balled his hand into a fist and smashed it into the animal's ribs while shouting, "God damn it, Pops! Stop being so annoying! This is all your fault!" Karma bit him in the ass when the steed reared onto its hind legs with a loud neigh before bringing its front legs down on top of the blonde. The horse's hooves slammed the man into the ground before stomping all over him comically. The scene caught the attention of those who dared to go out in this storm. Some stood alarmed while others became quite amused. When the mule finished its assault, it made an almost human grunt and tilted its nose up proudly before continuing to walk on. The barefoot man grumbled, rubbing a large lump on his head. He got up and took off after the beast, yelling, "I'll get you back for that, old man!" Bystanders, who were still left questioning exactly what happened, just blinked and continued on with their business.
Henry Mills scratched some of the grey hair on the side of his head before sipping his wine. It was a nice and quiet evening, despite the storm outside, to be spending time with his two daughters, Regina and Zelena. Well, Zelena was not biologically his own child. She was actually the daughter of his deceased wife, Cora, from a previous affair, but he still loved and treated her as if she were his own flesh and blood. For this, he was practically disowned by the rest of his family, but he didn't care. Henry adored his daughters.
The three of them sat at a long dining table topped with elegant candles, enjoying their dinner quietly. Fortunately, Henry managed to retain some of his own wealth before the rest of his family broke off from him. However, he did not have a son to leave it all to when he died. Of course he could leave it to his girls, but in this day and age, society would not take kindly to women with money and power. Henry didn't agree with it, but he also didn't want any scorn to come upon his two daughters. Thankfully, an old friend owed him a favor. That favor was his friend's first son's hand in marriage to whichever daughter, but it had to be the girls' decision as to which one would be wed.
Regina went to take another bite of her meal before a loud knock at the enormous doors of the entrance of the Mills manor interrupted her. She set her fork down and glanced towards her father. "Are we expecting guests, Daddy?" she asked sweetly.
Henry wiped his mouth with a white cloth and pushed his plate forward, shaking his head. "No, I don't believe so, sweetheart," he replied, pushing back his seat to rise from it.
"Probably just some peasant beggars looking for shelter from the rain," Zelena quipped, rolling her eyes as she prodded her food. As usual, the picky eater had barely consumed any of her dinner. She didn't really care for Regina's cooking, unlike most others who enjoyed it very much.
"Now, now, Zelena," Henry chided, "Not everyone can be as fortunate as us." He looked towards the door and said, "I'll go see who it is."
"It's alright, Daddy," Regina stopped him, getting up from her chair, "I'll go greet them. You sit and eat." The brunette smiled at her father warmly. She adored her father because he was such a kind, gentle, and understanding man. Her mother would have probably said that he did nothing but spoil the two girls, but Regina knew that was not the case.
"Thank you, honey," Henry responded, giving her a nod of agreement, before returning to his seat.
Whipping her long braid from shoulder to her back, Regina waltzed quickly to the front entrance, unhinging the long wooden bar between the two doors that kept them locked in place. After she swung the tall red door open, Regina gasped at the sight before her. A blonde man, whose eyes were a cross between green and blue, and a mule stood there, soaked head to toe. The man in leather armor looked generally displeased, though Regina could understand why when she noticed he had nothing to protect his feet. Maybe Zelena was right about peasants. "Uhh…may I help you?" she inquired politely.
"Is this the residence of Henry Mills?" the blonde asked with a disgruntled tone, frowning.
"It is," Regina replied as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Her arms crossed over her chest. How did this young man know her father? He certainly did not look like someone of the same status.
"Can you tell him that my dad, James…or David…or whichever, is here to see him?" the blonde man groaned.
Regina turned back to yell towards the dining room, "Father! Do you know a James or David?"
The quick and heavy footsteps of Henry raced to the front door. "Charming?!" he panted excitedly, out of breath from his little sprint. The older man blinked twice when he saw only a mule and younger gentleman standing in the doorway. "You're not Charming," he stated to the blonde, "Who are you?"
"Emma Swan," the drenched man replied dryly.
One of Regina's brows quirked and she said, "Emma? That's a female name."
"Yeah, my jackass father can explain," he answered, using a thumb to point to the mule next to him.
Henry tilted his head to the side as his gaze turned towards the animal and then he inhaled sharply. "Oh no!" he wept, suddenly clinging to the beasts neck, hugging tightly. "How did this happen, my friend?!" Henry cried as if the animal could speak back, "Did you incur the wrath of a witch of the wilds? You were always good at angering women." He stepped back and patted the jackass's head lightly, his tears gone and a bright smile across his face. "It's ok, my Charming friend. We have horse stables and we will take care of you and make you comfortable for the rest of your days."
Zelena had walked up a few moments ago and was trying to hold in laughter from the sight of the whole situation. She looked at her sister and said with an accent, "Oh dear, it looks like Daddy is taking in another peasant and their pet."
"Actually, I wish this was done by a witch," the blonde man interrupted, "Also, Pops is not stuck in this form." Emma was about to explain their situation before a harsh sneeze snuck up on him.
"Oh my," Henry spoke before grabbing Emma's arm, pulling the blonde inside, "Let's get you two in and dried off before you get sick."
"Daddy, you're going bring a mule into our home?" Zelena asked in shock and disgust.
"It will be fine, dear," Henry replied, "Besides, we need to figure out how to turn him back into a human."
"I already know how," Emma began to explain; however, he was yet again interrupted, this time by his own roaring stomach. He frowned and put a gloved hand over his abdomen.
"Come," Regina put a hand on the blonde's shoulder, "We were just in the middle of dinner. We have plenty." When the redhead rolled her eyes and scoffed, Regina shot her a scathing glare.
Once she finished pouring pales of hot water in the bath tub, Regina returned to the dining room to see the blonde with his pair of dirty bare feet propped up on the dining table, picking his teeth with the sharp end of a bone. The mule had since passed out on its side in a not so peaceful manner, snoring loudly. "Excuse me!" she exclaimed, marching over to him, "Is that any way to show appreciation for taking you into our home?" The brunette quickly shoved his feet off the table, her nose scrunched up in disgust.
"Hey!" Emma snapped, scowling at the brunette, "Geez, all you had to do was ask."
"You think just because you're a man and I'm a woman that I have to ask anything of you?" Regina spat.
"W-what?" the blonde stuttered, eyes wide, "N-no! How did you even get from point A to point B with that?! I didn't mean it like that!" Emma didn't believe in such gender roles, and for good reason.
"Regina, please calm down, honey," Henry pleaded, "You're going to have to start getting along with each other. David and Emma will be staying here for a while."
Zelena, who had exited the kitchen with a tea kettle full of hot water, perked up to this revelation, a shocked expression across her features. "What?! Why?"
Henry smiled to both of his girls and laughed hesitantly. He knew he was about to get fried by the both of them. "Well, one of you is going to be betrothed to this man," he explained, rubbing the back of his head, laughing nervously.
The bone Emma was using toppled to the ground while his jaw remained agape. He looked over to Regina's father, one eye twitching. "They wha-?" was all he managed to get out before falling out of his chair, though not unconscious.
Not realizing she was standing over the sleeping mule, Zelena lost her grip on the kettle. The scalding water splashed all over the beast. With a sudden puff of white smoke, the jackass transformed back into a man. The redhead let out a loud shrill that shattered the nearest wine glass. Zelena clasped a hand over her mouth and shuffled backwards, falling onto her bum.
"Agh, that was hot!" David whined loudly, "But thanks for changing me back." He figured the change would shock everyone, but he thought they would have moved on from that by now. Yet, they were all still staring in bewilderment. Then, David looked at his body to realize he was stark ass naked. With comically wide eyes, he let out a squeak before tearing the cloth from atop the table and covering himself with it. It was good thing he did it fast enough as to not cause every dish and glass to smash to the floor.
Emma, still shocked by the news of betrothal, pushed up from the floor. "I'm going to take that bath now!" he announced before bolting off.
"Daddy!" Regina scolded, "You promised our hands in marriage before consulting us first?!"
"Hehe," Henry let out while twiddling his thumbs, "Well, you see, David and I made the promise long before you girls were born."
"Oh, this cannot be happening," Zelena groaned.
"It will all be fine," their father reassured, "Besides, you two get to choose who will marry him." Henry beamed a bright smile as if giving them a choice made everything alright.
Zelena quickly pressed her index finger to the tip of her nose. "Not me! I refuse to marry a peasant."
"We aren't peasants!" David defended his pride, "We are warriors!"
This caused Henry to let out a bellowing laugh. "Hah! Sure you are, Charming," he cackled, "Alright. Regina it is then."
"But Daddy!" Regina retorted. She was suddenly furious due to the fact that no one was giving her a choice in the matter.
Emma lowered his body into the warm water of the bath. An abrupt cloud of white smoke engulfed him, and when it dissipated, he became a she. "Ah," she purred in a more feminine voice, "Back to normal." The blonde shut her eyes, sighing in content as she tilted her head back to rest it on the edge of the tub. It felt so nice not to be freezing cold anymore that she quickly lost track of how long she sat there.
Her eyes flew open when she heard footsteps approaching the bathing chamber. Emma frantically leapt up from the water, stumbling out of the tub. She needed to find something to cover up with, like yesterday. Everyone, besides her father, thought she was a man. It would be terribly awkward if they found out the truth, especially since Henry had revealed she was supposed to marry one of his daughters. Emma didn't think it would fly too well with them if they knew she were really a woman. Hell, the idea of being forced into a marriage did not settle well with her in the first place. One wrong step and Emma lost her footing to the slick floor, landing on her rear end with an, "Oof!"
Regina had assumed she'd given the ass's son enough time to bathe. Since he had not returned to spend the rest of the evening with them, she thought maybe Emma had gone to the room Henry offered to get some rest. She carried her personal toiletries, prepared to take her own relaxing bath. However, those toiletries hit the floor when Regina opened to the door to the sight before her. With the thought that somehow a female intruder had snuck into the household, Regina shrieked. A real Goldie Locks was in their midst. She reached for the nearest object, which was a heavy book titled Once Upon a Time, and threw it with all her might at the blonde's head. "Intruder!" she screamed, "Leave now!"
The leather bound book pegged Emma in the head and she hollered in pain, clutching her head. Another lump accompanied the one caused by her father. "What?! No! It's me! I'm Emma!" the blonde frantically explained, holding her hands up ready to defend herself from any more flying objects.
P.S. I was heavily medicated while writing this. I'm so sorry. Please don't kill me.