Satirical Discourse part 1

Imagine: You're reading a fanfiction. It's neither quite ghastly enough so that you're willing to move the cursor to leave the page nor is it amazing enough to really sit up straight – a precarious situation! But then, it happens: That little thing you've come to know and hate. That little cliché that really ticks you off. You cannot help it; you've just read that drivel one too many times.

We all know those little things that irk us, annoy us, get under our skin, mess with us until we're about to grab your keyboard, fully prepared it to bite into it out of sheer desperation - possibly with the faint hope of deliverance. Fanfictions could be so good. But, sadly, often that's a warm-hearted exaggeration.

Here's my list of what I detest most, moulded into its purest, most diabolical form!

Warning: Everything from this point onwards is satire – absolutely everything...

AN: Hey – ho, everyone! My name is NARUTOXXSASUKE(NOHOMO)69 and I just had, like, the best idea ever: I'm gonna write me own fanfiction!

So, ...without further ado, and totally no more ANs HAHAHA, let's start!1

RIGHT NOW!

(Boy, can't wait to get started!)

OH RIGHT; I NEARLY FORGOT. PLEASE REVIEW AND COMMENT! But don't be mean! I like praise, but if you go overbaord with your' criticism then just lEAVE! Nobodies' forcing you to read this!

AN2: Also, If anyone knows an beta, please notify!

AN3: HAHA FOUND AN BETA. But he said I'll ahve to use some website for my ANs, lol. Ridicoulous!

" = Talk

' = Thoughts

Italics = Deep thoughts and snarky comments

$$5! = Parceltongue

§§5! = Dragontongue

§$5! = Elf language (also known as French)

""LOL"" = Exclusively used to bash Ron and all his descendants

Harrey Potter and the Sensation of Defecation!

Or (what follows is the alternative title): The epic struggle in the bowels of the Ministry!

(Editor's note: cut the brackets, and are you sure you want to go with that title?)

Chapter one: The unforeseen development starts the plot

Electra Kunigunde Potter-Weasley-Slytherin-Peverell was hot. She was really super hot, and all the other girls in Slytherin were super jealous. But she was also really modest. And nice. Not too nice, mind you, she could be a bitch at times. But mostly nice, yeah.

Electra Kunigunde Potter-Weasley-Slytherin walked through the halls like a queen – like an ICE QUEEN. She was Slytherin's hot Ice Queen – that was her: Electra Kunigunde Weasley-Potter-Slytherin.

"Yo, Electra Kunidunge!" someone called out, leaning totally cool against the cold stone of the corridor. It was winter, hence all the coldness.

"That's Lady Potter-Weasley-Slytherin to you, Malfoy," I snarled back. I didn't take that kind of BS from a Malfoy after all. I'd crossed wands with him many a time. But that's not the cause of my scowl; No, my problem is that Malfoy has been crossing wands with my cousin Rennald Weasley a bit too often recently, and that just won't do. Sometimes, or so I hear, even without any use of their hands whatsoever– the swines. Then again, practically everyone is at least my second cousin – even my own father.

So I just stare down at him. I'm rather tall for my age, sitting somewhere between 5'5" and 1.7m. My killing-curse green eyes sparkle irately. Combined with my jet black hair that features mesmerising subtle strands of flaming red, I strike a fairly impressive pose if I may say so myself. Not without reason, I'm called the most beautiful witch of Hogwarts in over a century! Good thing I've taken it in stride. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be as down to earth as I am.

"What is it you desire of me, Malfoy," I drawled haughtily, looking down at him from my elevated position. Oh, and I'm eleven, by the way - started last Friday.

"You don't scare me," the ferret barked back.

But I just shoved my Basilisk-Horntail-Thestral-Fawkes improved Elder Wand right into his face – just like that BAM!

"I give up," he whimpers fearfully.

"Fear me!" I command the worthless sack of flash in front of me, but in a completely down-to-earth kind of way. And he does. In fact, I can smell his fear – very much so. "Speak, worm!"

"I-I've come to inform you that Theodora has told Hermion has told Severina has told Grawp Jr that Albina and Gelladril have just entered a Soul Bond!"

I turn around, my footsteps echoing throughout the empty classroom like the prelude to Star Wars. "What did you say?" I hissed menacingly. Not Parceltongue, though, because that's a secret. "IMPOSSIBLE!"

"I-I'm afraid so, Mistress," he stammered, kneeling down.

Urgh!

"Is this information reliable?" I demanded. 'This is a game-changer,' I think. 'This is big. This might well rattle the foundations of the earth we know and tire of. I just hope no time travellers are involved this time around; recursive prophecies are a pain in the arse.'

Malfoy coughs weakly. "W-well, your Dark Grace, you know how Theodora isn't quite there since the incident with the clown. And you know how Hermion can only speak in riddles since he read that book you gave him last Yule. Severina was high on potion fumes, and I've never really gotten a word of Grawp Jr's grunting. So, I'm not entirely-"

'But I was onto him, I knew what he was doing. This was a typical reaction of my biological lessers: The Unwilling Servant Stragegem #1! Babbling some techno mumble-jumble, hiding behind their words of cowardice. I, Electra Kunigunde Potter-Weasley-Slytherin, won't stand for it!'

These things require a delicate hand. Some people accuse us respectable pure-bloods and three-quarter-bloods of mental instability, especially since Auntie Hermione invented the Unisexual Impregnation Charm because Uncle Ron had told her one too many times that he couldn't change the fact that it was her responsibility to bear his children. As an immediate result, the birthrates had increased by 2497% within the next two years before the spell had been added to the Unforgivables. Sadly, my father has always been a bit loose with his Dark Magic. Once I was old enough (last week) he took me aside and said I had the best of every pure-blood family there is. I'm so proud!

So I do the only thing that's appropriate in this situation. I whip out my wand again, faster than any French can say "Je capitule!", and point it at the shivering mess of a human being in front of me. "AVADA KADA-'

"PLEASE! Mercy, your Unholiness!"

"Yeah?" I ask. I'm all for second chances like that.

"I'm fairly sure the information is reliable," he said, looking anxious, peering at my majestic visage as if to gauge my reaction, grovelling at my feet, the place he belongs – the place THEY ALL belong (except Daddy, I really love him so much).

"Oh! Alright, then." This is how you rule. Overwhelming force with a dash of love. Love conquers all!

"Malfoy?" I call my manservant sharply, my steps crunching in the grass as we return to the castle.

"Yes, o Duchess of Darkness?"

"Considering these developments, we need to...summon the Serpentyle Council!"

"As you wish, your most Evilness."

So that's it!

Hope you liked it.!

See you next week.!.

Please leave your comments, but only nice ones... HAHAHAH! ... no, I'm serious.

(please don't make me write more of this)