Part I: In Which We Get this Outta the Way
Disclaimer for Paparazzi:
I don't own Astro Boy, Alyssa (she's my very real best frannn), Gabrielle aka the blonde (she's also my very real best frannn), Kyle aka the transvestite (he's yet another real best frann), Paparazzi by Lady Gaga, America's Next Top Model, mentos, diet coke, GI Joes, Shut Up (and Sleep With Me) by Sin with Sebastian, Pushing Daisies, Sweeney Todd, Waking Up in Vegas by Katy Perry, Woodstock, the Potter Puppet Pals and the Mysterious Ticking Noise, Angels and Demons, Abraham Lincoln, Airplane ("don't call me Shirley"), Gabrielle's "I put the fun in funeral" shirt, Satine from Moulin Rouge, Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles, Donald Trump, Alyssa saying "It turns me on when you whack it…oh, whack it…" in her sleep (she really said that once while sleep talking), Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ("good morning, star shine! The earth says hello!"), the idea for Astro Boy condoms (Alyssa came up with that), No One Mourns the Wicked from Wicked the Musical ("How can it be? What does it mean…"), sweet 'n' low, big brother, the Bear Jew, Hannah Montana, Aldo the Apache, all the quotes I took from Buffy, hot pockets, and last but not least, "Where do we Go from Here?" from BTVS: Once More, With Feeling.
Now…if you read all that, you might have more problems than I do…
Just kidding, that's impossible!
And now, ladies and gentlemen…
With out further ado, I present to you…Paparazzi!
*cue music*
Part II. In Which the Epic is Presented
Presenting…
Paparazzi!
*music cues, curtains open*
It was an average day in Metro City. Robots were serving humans; Dr. Tenma was playing cards with Dr. Elefun at the Ministry of Science; Cora and her gang were doing god-knows-what in the junkyards, but for one black-haired robot-boy, the day would be far from average. For on this day, a new girl named Alyssa Christine had come to town.
"We are the crowd! We're c-coming out! Got my flash on, it's true! Need that picture of you, it's so magical. We'd be so fantastical!" sang Alyssa merrily, like the way a rapist would when they see their next victim. "Leather and jeans—," she pointed at her denim-clad legs and biker-chic leather jacket. Skipping along the futuristic side walks of Metro City, she kept singing. "Garage glamorous! Not sure what it means…but this photo of us—it don't have a price. Ready for those flashing lights! Cuz you know that baby I—I'm your biggest fan! I'll follow you until you love me! Papa-paparazzi! Baby there's no other superstar you know that I'll be your papa-paparazzi! Promise I'll be kind—," she winked, because if things didn't go as planned then she wouldn't be. "But I won't stop until that boy is mine!"
"She means it!" yelled a random transvestite that magically popped up out of no where. It was dressed in a sparkly strapless red dress.
Without breaking her stride, Alyssa kicked him in the face. The pop-up transvestite let out a not-so-manly yelp.
"Baby you'll be famous! Chase you down until you love me! Papa-paparazzi!" Alyssa stopped singing for a moment to perform a retro-pastiche style dance number. "Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!" she yelled at a random Metro City civilian.
"Mama! Mama! Look at the weird girl!" shrieked a little girl, pointing at Alyssa.
Alyssa put her hands on her hips. "Listen here, buddy, I—OMG! There he is!" Alyssa pointed at the skyline, where a small black dot was flying through the sky. "IT'S ASTRO BOY!!" she screamed. "I LOVE YOU!! I LOVE…" She was cut off by the fact that she had begun to hyperventilate in fan girl ecstasy.
Reaching into her jacket, she pulled out a pair of sparkly pink binoculars she'd "borrowed" from her friend Kyle. Using them, she managed to follow the Astro Boy back to his house.
With her eyes glued to the sky and running at full speed, it was no surprise that she plowed into the side of a building.
"Ow! Mother trucker, that hurt!" snapped Alyssa, but then she remembered her mission. "Such luck!" she exclaimed, for the very building she'd run into was where Astro just so happened to live.
Faster than a speeding bullet, the obsessive creeper fan girl shot into the housing complex, causing a man's hair piece to fly off of his shiny, come-over-ed head. Somehow, fueled by love, obsession, and a craving for caramel corn, she found herself on the rooftop in matter of 17.3486 seconds.
Looking to the other side of the roof, Alyssa could see the outline of a pointy-haired boy sitting on the edge of the roof, watching the city life.
Alyssa's knees went weak. "There he is!" she whisper-screamed. Regaining her composure, she began to walk toward Astro in slow motion. Inspirational music swelled in the background. Alyssa's hair blew around her face, which she was contorting into an America's Next Top Model-esque expression.
The music stopped abruptly, making Alyssa freeze in place.
"What are you doing?" said a voice from the heavens, a voice that just happened to be the mighty Authoress.
Alyssa looked up at the sky, still standing in her half walking, half standing position. "It's for dramatic effect."
"Oh. Carry on," replied the Authoress, who decided not to audibly speak for the remainder of this misadventure. The music resumed and Alyssa's walking did the same.
She came to a halt 13.27 inches away from the robot she loved. Excitement bubbled inside her, like mentos in a fresh bottle of diet coke. Practically shoving her fist down her throat, she managed to keep the smoldering temptress composure she was going for.
Alyssa reached into her shirt, intending to pull out a tube of cherry Chap Stick. Instead, she found 6 milk bones, 2 sets of car keys, a fake ID rendering the name "Shirley McWafflesnapper", 37 cents in pennies, and a GI Joe movie ticket. Tossing all those useless things aside, she finally located her chap stick in the back pocket of her jeans. After sexily rubbing it on her lips, she tossed the tube aside, unknowingly casting it over the edge of the roof. A not-so-manly yelp could be heard from below.
Alyssa cleared her throat quietly. Astro didn't move. She coughed again, louder. No luck. *Cough!* Nothing. *Cough!!* No comprende. *COUGH!* No hablo, ingles. "ASTRO!!" she yelled, giving up on the subtle approach.
Astro jumped to his feet and spun around. "Who are you?!"
Alyssa posed seductively. "Hello. I'm your biggest fan," she managed to say calmly, whilst on the inside she was jumping up and down while singing "Shut Up and Sleep with Me" by Sin with Sebastian. "Here's my card," she reached into her shirt and pulled out a lime green business card. She held it out to Astro.
He took it suspiciously. "Alyssa Christine," he read aloud. "Master of stalk and obsession. I'm Astro Boy's biggest fan," Astro gave her a weird look. "Call 1-800-STALK. Remember—I know where you live," he tossed the creeper-card on the floor. "What do you want from me?" he asked, obviously confuzzled beyond belief.
Alyssa took in a deep breath, a smile growing on her face like a—there was nothing that could compare to this smile. "I—!" she paused, placing her hands on Astro's shoulders to steer him safely away from the roof's edge. "I LOVE YOU!!!" she exclaimed, jumping on hi. With her legs wrapped securely around his waist, she began showering him with kisses.
Due to surprise, fear, confusion, and concern for all the unwatched episodes of Pushing Daisies building up on his TiVo, not to mention the force of Alyssa's attack, he fell flat on his back.
Alyssa squealed excitedly. "Right here? Right now?! Well, okay, I'm not complaining!" she was already attempting to yank her leather jacket off.
"Huh?"
Alyssa stopped her attempt at undressing, having only managed to het half of the jacket off. "Oh, I get it…" said Alyssa knowledgably. "Wait…no I don't. You don't want to…get it on?"
"Not really," replied Astro nervously.
"So…" began Alyssa, her face twisted in confusion. "You don't want to have sex?"
Astro groaned, but not in the pleasured way like Alyssa wanted. "Could you get off of me?" he squeaked in a manly sort of way.
Alyssa sighed noisily. "Fine," she mumbled, removing herself from his person. She knelt on the floor, her eyes downcast like Sweeney Todd with out his razor.
Astro pulled himself into a sitting position. Alyssa looked at him with big brown puppy dog eyes.
Silence hung in the air like the stench of a highway rest stop bathroom for truckers.
"Shut up and put your money where you mouth is! That's what you get for waking up in Vegas! Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now! That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!" a voice from below on the street sang loud and off-key.
"What is that?" grimaced Astro. The voice was painful to listen to.
"Sounds like a dying walrus," deadpanned Alyssa.
"Well, as…fun as this has been, I'd better go check it out," said Astro, already to his feet, walking away.
Alyssa sprang to her feet like a kangaroo on crack. "Oh, no you don't!" she yelled, grabbing the back of Astro's white shirt. "Not without me!" She leapt into his arms, bridal style.
"Ugh!" he groaned, once again unprepared for Alyssa's jump. "Fine…" He carried her to the edge of the roof, then jumped off, his rocket powered feet kicking in. They soared through the air for a moment, and landed safely on the street.
"Alyssa…" said Astro. "You can let go of me now." His voice was pinched sounding, like a choking chipmunk, but still manly. His voice was always manly.
Alyssa, who'd been squeezing her eyes shut, opened them slowly. "Oh…sorry," she said, unlocking her arms from the death-grip she had on Astro's neck. He set her onto her feet. She swayed precariously, like a high hippy at Woodstock.
"Why are these lights so bright? Did we get hitched last nigh-igh-igh-ight? Dressed up like Elvis! Why am I wearing your class ring...?" sang the walrus-like voice again.
Alyssa pointed excitedly at a hearse parked on the side of the street. "I've found the source of the mysterious singing noise!" she yelled happily with a British accent. A hearse, my dear children, is a black car used to transport dead people from place to place.
Astro glance at Alyssa, sighed, and walked to the hearse. He knocked on the window.
The window rolled down, revealing an annoyed looking teenage girl blonde girl with the radio volume turned all the way up. "Can I help you?"
Alyssa pushed Astro out of the way. "I got this," she assured him. He glared at her silently. "Um, yeah. We could hear you singing all up on the rooftop. Yeah, honey, you sounded like a walrus," said Alyssa, her words as blunt as a dull ax. Astro mentally slapped himself for letting his newfound stalker handle the situation.
The blonde stared at Alyssa harshly for 74 seconds, and then cracked a smile, like one might crack a knuckle. "I'm in a good mood," she said. "I got to drive the hearse."
"And that puts you in a good mood?!" asked Alyssa, confused as the Authoress in algebra class.
"I can take it from here," said Astro, elbowing Alyssa to the side, which she took as a show of sexual affection. She giggled naughtily. Astro turned back to the blonde. "What might've happened that would cause you to need to drive said hearse?"
The blonde and Alyssa stared at him blankly.
"Who died?" asked Astro, deciding that perhaps big words shouldn't be used around this particular crowd.
"Oh!" said the blonde knowingly. "I got you," she tapped her head with her index finger. "Some transvestite. We found him lying on this here sidewalk with a foot shaped bruise on his face and a tube of cherry Chap Stick next to him."
Alyssa coughed uncontrollably. Could she really have killed an innocent transvestite? Could they find out that it was her? Could Astro really refuse her offer forever? Could Vatican City really be destroyed by anti-matter?
After staring at Alyssa for 13 seconds, Astro turned back to the blonde. "Thanks for your help, ma'am."
The blonde smiled, like the way a crazy guidance counselor would when they see the next sucker they have to guide and counsel. "Aw, any time!" chirped the blonde. Her guidance counselor smile vanished. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go sharpen my knives."
Alyssa stopped coughing. "Why the flipping' dolphins do you need to sharpen—," Astro clamped his hand over her mouth.
"Don't make her angry," he mumbled to Alyssa, who was busy considering whether or not she should lick his hand. "Well, we won't keep you then!" he said cheerfully to Miss Blondie-freak-hearse-driver-walrus-singer-elf.
Astro then dragged Alyssa away from the hearse and it's semi-crazy driver.
The blonde rolled up the window and drove away. "Shut up and put you money where your mouth is…" she sang loudly as she drove away, running over 3 robots in the process.
Now back to our favorite creeper and the recipient of her creep-age, Alyssa was enjoying the fact that Astro was dragging her across the sidewalk. When he let go of her, she chuckled like the blonde hearse driver might at the prospect of corpses.
"Alyssa…" said Astro precariously.
"Ha, ha, ha…huh?" was Alyssa's tripped up response. Her eyes were beginning to roll in opposite directions.
"You don't happen to know what happened to the transvestite, do you?"
Alyssa's smile looked pained, like she was sitting on a porcupine. "Why would you…why…why would you think such a thing?" she fake laughed, then turned serious. "Surely you won't report me to the Metro City police?!"
Astro stared back at her, expressionless as an Abraham Lincoln statue. "I can't make that promise…and don't call me Shirley."
Alyssa's mind was calculating. "Don't…call me…Shirley…huh?" Well, it was an Alyssa form of calculation.
"It was a pop culture reference."
"Oh…" Alyssa was uncharacteristically silent for a moment, as she pondered the meaning of the word "fetish".
"Well, I'm going home," said Astro, making Alyssa's smile grow like some sucker on laughing gas. "Don't follow me." Alyssa's smile fell off her face like a fat kid out of a tree. "Goodnight, Alyssa."
Alyssa was confused (no surprise there). "Goodnight? But it's still day time…" but as Alyssa struggled to speak, the moon came up and the sun went down, because the Authoress willed it so. "Well, what do you know…" she said, awestruck. "Oh, don't leave me! I'll miss you!"
Astro shook his head, saddened for her incoherence, then walked away, although at the speed he was going, it would be called "cantering" or "running like an ostrich on crack".
"He'll miss me," Alyssa assured herself.
****
1 hour, 18 minutes and 34 seconds later, Astro found himself getting in bed, ready to get over the events of this very strange day. Finally relaxing, he rolled over to see a sight that would haunt him forever.
"Hi, ya!!!" exclaimed Alyssa, who had been lying on the other side of the bed.
"AAHHHHH!" Astro yelled in fear, practically flying out of bed, like any sand person who had just seen something as disturbing as that would have. "What is wrong with you?!?" he snapped at Alyssa.
Alyssa sat up, thankfully still fully clothed, and stared at him with an expression of hurt on her semi-insane face. "Nothing," she said. Then an incredibly disturbing smile grew on her face. "There's nothing wrong with me, you silly goose!"
Astro stared back at her in disbelief. "I highly doubt that."
Alyssa, oblivious to the fact that he'd just insulted her, smiled and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively—or, rather, she tried to. It looked more like she had a bad face twitch. "So…" she began. "I was thinking…" she traced circles on the bed with a finger.
"That's never good," mumbled Astro.
"…since I'm here…in the bed…"
"…we should have s—," she said excitedly, but was cut off by Astro.
"No."
"You don't even know what I was going to say."
"It's still a no."
"Well, why not?" pouted Alyssa.
"You scare me."
"Hey! That's…probably true," replied Alyssa. "Aw. You're like a constant downer, huh?"
Before he had a chance to reply, Alyssa began an animated rantation.
"See, I came to Metro City to offer you a night of sexual pleasures, but no! You refused my offer. So now, the least you could do would be to kiss me…at least once," Alyssa ranted. "Damn it," she added for dramatic effect.
Astro sighed. She was kind of cute. Maybe just one kiss couldn't hurt. "Fine…" he mumbled.
Alyssa's brown eyes brightened like a light bulb. "You'll sleep with me?!"
"No." Alyssa's eyes dimmed back down. "But," Her eyes perked back up. "I will kiss you."
"Really?!" Alyssa smoothed her straight brown hair. "Oh, oh, I can't believe it!" she fiddled around with her hair, her clothes, and the contents of her shirt, then smiled. "Okay…I'm ready." She closed her eyes and puckered her lips, waiting for Astro to lean in. She opened one eye. "Any day now."
Astro tried to shake the eerie feeling he had that told him Alyssa might rape him. Leaning in toward her face, he started to feel less like a deer in the headlights. Summing up all his courage, he took a deep breath and pressed his lips to Alyssa's.
******
Later that night, Zog was taking a lovely midnight stroll though the junkyards, hoping to find a magical treasure of some sort. However, as he skipped along, causing small earthquakes that made disassembled robots to quiver, he found something not quite magical. For on that night, Zog encountered the hearse.
"No, no, no! Honey, no!" said an unknown girl's voice. "No, buddy, listen here, you…" she yelled.
Zog was confused. Stepping around a pile of disembodied robot parts; about as quiet as an electric stapler, he discovered the source of the voice.
It was a teenage girl. She was dressed in a black shirt rendering the words "I put the fun in funeral" in hot pink letters, and had curly blonde hair. She was screeching into a cell phone. She could only be one person—the blonde. He'd heard rumors of this girl. She harbored an unhealthy obsession with corpses, and also had a knack for singing like a dying walrus.
"What is wrong with you, you…" her voice became too indistinct for Zog to understand, but he did manage to catch a few words. "Mayonnaise", "Hippopotamus", "With a bucket of...", and "republican" were some of the more profound things. Clearly, she was not happy, and hell hath no fury like an unhappy hearse driver.
But curiosity had it's hold on Zog, so he crept back to the hearse, quiet as a wood chipper. He was dying to know whose corpse was at peace inside of it.
Zog opened the back door of the dead-people-carrying mobile as gently as possible—only causing a minor dent. As the door opened, it let out a loud, resounding creak. Zog froze, hoping the blonde hadn't heard him disturb her precious. Thankfully, she was still yell/slurring into her cell phone. Relieved, Zog opened the door the rest of the way, and the sight he saw would haunt him forever.
It was the dead transvestite.
'It's hideous!' thought Zog, horrified beyond words.
The transvestite was sprawled out across the smooth leather backseat. He had a gaping, foot shape bruise on his forehead. His mouth hung open, tongue lolling out over his Satine-esque red lips. The sparkly red strapless cocktail dress he wore was wrinkled and his usually perfectly coiffed brown hair was disheveled. His brown eyes were wide open, one crossed while the other rolled in the opposite direction.
The entire sight had an overall disturbing effect.
Despite the hideousness of the corpse, Zog couldn't help but feel sorry for it. So without really thinking anything through, Zog decided to bring the transvestite back to life using the blue core energy.
Leaning down toward the corpse, Zog pointed at the transvestite's chest, transferring some of the "blue stuff" from himself to the girly man. Zog stopped and gazed at the transvestite, waiting for him to move or something. After 3 minutes and 17 seconds, Zog decided that his attempt at saving the transvestite had been a fail of epic proportions.
"I'll tell your mother, and then you'll have to…sideways!" the blonde sounded as if she was getting closer to the hearse. Fearing what she would do to him if she saw that he'd disturbed the hearse, Zog slammed the door shut and pranced away like the road runner, only much slower, creating 6.1 earthquakes in the process.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they all say," said the blonde, hanging up her phone and shoving it down the front of her tight black shirt.
"Ugh. Some people…" she muttered, walked towards the hearse.
Taking a deep, calming breath, she smiled and opened the door to the driver's side of the car.
In the back seat, the blue core energy was beginning to take effect on the transvestite. Life began to come back to his eyes, color returning to his face. He took a deep first breath. A crazed smile grew on his face.
The blonde put the hearse into drive, and hummed sadistically to herself as she sped through the junkyards, just barely avoiding colliding with the piles of, well, junk.
The transvestite sat up leisurely, crazed smile still in place.
He looked kind of like the Joker, if the Joker wore red dresses, less make up, and was much scarier.
The blonde, oblivious, was still satanically humming—how it was that she could make Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles sound like a song from Sweeney Todd was something strictly mysterious, like Stonehenge, the Mayans, or Donald Trump's hair. As she sped down the street, she happened to glance in the rear-view mirror.
"Holy weapons of mass destruction!" she yelped.
For in the mirror, shone the reflection of something truly horrendous—the newly resurrected transvestite.
His maniacal smile vanished. He screamed, but with his not-so-dulcet tones, it sounded more like a hobo on helium attempting to sing opera. The blonde, who was glaring at the reanimated corpse, did not notice that she was driving straight towards a large tree in the middle of the road.
"Crap," she mumbled, as she looked forward just in time to see that she was 3.6 feet away from crashing.
A loud crash, a bang, and the transvestite's not-so-manly shriek echoed through the night. The blonde was not happy.
"Who puts a tree here?!?!"
******
"It turns me on when you whack it…" mumbled a sleeping Alyssa incoherently. "Oh, whack it…" Her brown eyes opened slowly. She looked around the unknown room, not remembering where she was.
The sun shown in through the slits in the curtains like long golden French fries, filling the room with light.
"Alyssa?" asked an ever so familiar voice, belonging to the one she had stalked so faithfully. "You awake?"
Alyssa smiled, remembering everything. She rolled over to her other side with astonishing speed. "Good morning, star shine! The earth says hello!"
"Nice to…see you too," said Astro, his statement sounding more like a question.
"It's a beautiful morning," mused Alyssa. "Perfect for…sex?" she asked hopefully.
Astro rolled his eyes while Alyssa sat up and straightened the contents of her shirt. "I've told you a million times—no."
"But I have condoms with your face on them!" she pleaded.
There's just no getting through to some people. "Alyssa, I—wait, they actually make those?"
"I had them custom made," gushed Alyssa.
"Where did you…you know what—I don't even want to know."
In the meantime, down below, the transvestite was skipping along the street…sideways.
"Transvestite on the loose!" screamed the blonde from behind the hearse's wheel.
Her blonde hair had twigs and leaves entangled in it form her prior encounter with the tree. Her driving was like some twisted combo platter of drunk, maniac, and high on PCP.
The large tree-shaped dent on the front of the car really complimented her insane driving like fries compliment ketchup.
"You're off your rocker!" yelled an old woman, shaking a fist at the blonde. The old woman had escaped becoming a people pancake by the skin of her teeth.
The blonde stuck her head out the window like a Labrador. "Oh, suck it, grandma!" she dug her foot into the gas pedal. "I've got undead transvestites to catch…"
Above the sea of crashing cars, honking horns, scattered robot parts, and Christmas Carolers, Alyssa and Astro were still engrossed in their argument.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hear that?" asked Astro, his question silencing Alyssa. He looked at her probingly.
She was busy shellacking her lips with more cherry Chap Stick. She strained her ears, looking rather constipated with the effort. "Nope, don't hear a thing," shrugged Alyssa nonchalantly. She tossed her chap stick out the open window.
"Must you do that?"
As Alyssa opened her mouth to respond, she was silenced by a not-so-manly yelp from below.
Astro looked at the window, then back at Alyssa, then back at the window, and finally rested his eyes on the creeper. "Was that the…?"
"Yep!"
Overcome by the moment, Astro began singing. "How can it be?"
Alyssa joined in. "What does it mean?"
"It's atrocious!"
"It's obscene!"
In unison, they continued. "Like a froggy, ferny cabbage, the baby was unnaturally—," Astro stopped abruptly, confusion as to why he even knew that song to begin with clouded his face.
"GREEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN!!" finished Alyssa, arms raised and eyes closed. She opened one eye and glared at Astro as if to say 'why aren't you singing, man?'
They fell silent for moment, like a pair of kiwis.
Astro pointed at the window. "You wanna go check this out?"
"Yep!"
Astro leaned out the window (it's a pretty big window, people) and jumped out, his rocket feet powering up. He disappeared from Alyssa's sight, and then bobbed back up. The robot held out a hand for the creeper. She took it nervously and he pulled her out with him. Alyssa held tightly to Astro's neck as they flew down to the ground.
Once they reached the ground, havoc surrounded them.
Alyssa cluelessly strayed toward the road. She didn't see the maniacal blonde tearing toward her in the banged up hearse.
"Alyssa!" yelled Astro. He flew towards her, knocking her out of the blonde's path. They landed on the opposite side walk in a comprising position.
Alyssa giggled from underneath of Astro.
Astro pulled himself off of Alyssa and helped her to her feet. Sexual tension enveloped them like a, well, an envelope. It was broken by the blonde.
"Imma coming for ya!" screamed the blonde. Unexpectedly, she collided with an unsuspecting man's car. The poor sucker was busy pouring Sweet 'n' Low into his sweet tea. "Why does this keep happened to me?" moaned the blonde.
The poor sucker in he other car glared at her. He spat out a mouthful of sweet 'n' low, which mingled with the spilled tea on his plaid shirt. "I was kinda thinking the same thing."
The blonde clamored out of her precious hearse to inspect the damage. "Oh my sweet beef nuggets…" she stammered. The blonde turned and waved at Alyssa and Astro, giving them the universal symbol of "get your ass over here before I kick".
Her bugged out bloodshot eyes and the twigs in her hair brought her usual level of craziness up to indescribable new heights.
Not wanting to upset Her Craziness, Alyssa and Astro ran across the street to join the blonde.
The blonde was staring at something sprawled across the side walk.
"Hey, what is—whoa," said Alyssa upon seeing what the blonde was so fixated on.
"Mother of pickle…" muttered Astro. "It's the transvestite…"
For indeed, lying before them like a pile of argyle socks was the transvestite. And next to him lay, low and behold, Alyssa's cherry chap stick.
"The darn dirty mother of a republican wouldn't stay dead," uttered the blonde.
"But how?" asked Alyssa bemusedly.
Astro bent down to examine recorpsified reanimated corpse. "Hm…"
"What 'hm'? Why did you say 'hm'? Hm?" snapped Alyssa. The pressure of knowing she'd just killed the transvestite twice—however that works—was beginning to make her crack like a Big Brother houseguest.
The robot and the blonde gaped at Alyssa.
They all stared at each other for 3.7 minutes before Astro broke the silence, like the Bear Jew might break a head.
"Well, whatever it is that brought him back, he's dead now…again," Astro informed them.
"Oh, that's nice…" mused Alyssa.
The blonde seemed to disagree. "It's not so nice when the son of a peach maimed my baby." She dropped to her knees and began caressing the hearse borderline inappropriately.
"There's no deeper love than that of the blonde and her hearse," said Alyssa.
Being a creeper, she would know.
"There's also no stranger…" mumbled Astro.
"But then again, there is my love for you," purred Alyssa. She batted her eyelashes at him, but it looked more like she was having an eye muscle spasm.
"I spoke too soon…"
The blonde pulled herself away from the hearse to resume her stance beside Alyssa.
The three were staring at the transvestite's corpse like they were waiting for it to start singing Hannah Montana.
"So…what do we do with him now?" asked Astro, looking back and forth from Alyssa to the blonde.
"Who knows," shrugged Alyssa. "I already killed him twice."
A sadistic smile grew on the blonde's face. She was staring at the transvestite in a way that would have made Aldo the Apache quake in his stylish yet affordable boots.
"I have an idea," she said.
"This can't be good," said Astro and Alyssa in unison.
The blonde didn't move her malicious gaze from the transvestite. "I'll just need a glue gun, some whale blubber, and a shovel…" she wiggled her eyebrows evilly, already envisioning her plan in motion.
Alyssa and Astro ogled the blonde in trepidation. She was still wriggling her eyebrows satanically.
Alyssa awkwardly inched away from the blonde.
"As great of an idea as that is…" began Astro, in a way that suggested he didn't thin much of the blonde's idea at all. "But seriously, how do we keep the police from finding out that Alyssa killed the transvestite…twice?"
Alyssa put a hand over her heart. "You really want to keep me out of jail?"
"Well…yeah, but I—,"
"This is the best day ever…" swooned Alyssa.
The blonde opened her mouth to speak, but Alyssa cut her off.
"I know, I know, 'the son of a peach maimed your baby', said Alyssa dryly.
The blonde glared disdainfully. "Well it's true."
"Not to split hairs, but technically it was the tree that did the…wait—what am I saying?" rambled Astro. He shook his head. "Anyhoo…We should make a pact so that no one will ever find out what went on today."
"I like it…" smiled Alyssa. We'll never know if she actually like the idea or just liked the one who said it—it's an eternal mystery.
"Me too, actually," mused the blonde. She sounded rather surprised. "I know—we'll swear to the pact of the SSTKSETSS."
The blonde smiled like she'd just introduced something profound and revolutionary, like the hot pocket.
The blonde's suggestion was met with blank stares from Alyssa and Astro.
"The Sexiest Secret Transvestite Killing Society Ever to Secretly Swear…" explained the blonde, like it was as obvious as 2 + 2.
"Ohhhhhhhhh," breathed the robot and creeper in realization.
"So?" asked the blonde. "Are you in?" She stuck out her hand, palm down.
"I'm in," cheered Alyssa. She clapped her hand on top of the blonde's. "Astro?"
He sighed. "Me too." He put a hand on top of the other two's.
"And we will never tell anyone about the events of the last two days…or else… muttered the blonde ominously.
"Or else what?" asked a horrified Alyssa.
"Or else…I don't know use your imagination!"
Alyssa nodded. "Sounds reasonable…"
"Hey, uh…Blondie?" asked Astro. He wasn't actually sure what he should call the blonde. "Can you open the trunk?" he gestured toward the hearse.
The blonde didn't respond verbally. She simply walked to the back of the hearse and opened the trunk for him.
'Blondie…' she thought. 'I've never had a nickname before…' Deep down she was hoping that it would stick.
"What are you going to do?" asked Alyssa.
"This." Astro hesitantly picked up the transvestite, dragged it to the hearse, and dumped it into the trunk. He closed the lid and clapped his hands together. "Can you take car of it for us?" he asked the blonde.
The blonde nodded. "I'll just need a glue gun, some whale, blubber, and a shovel," she reiterated.
"Yeah…about that…" began Alyssa. "You know what, never mind."
The trio of oddities fell uncharacteristically quiet for a moment.
Alyssa blew a bubble with her gum then popped it loudly in a bad attempt to break the lull in conversation.
"Where do we go from here?" sang the blonde unexpectedly, voicing what everyone was thinking.
"Where do we go from here?" repeated Astro and Alyssa in unison.
Suddenly, Zog appeared with them. "The battle's done…" he joined in. "And we kind of won…"
Across the city, in a dingy jail cell, ex-president Stone found himself in musical mood. "So we sound our victory cheer," he sang off key and flatly. "Where do we go from here?
Deep within the Ministry of Science, Drs. Tenma and Elefun along with the other scientists were involved in a heated game of strip poker while they were supposedly on the verge of new inventions. "Why is the path unclear?" they added to the song. "When we know home is near…"
Next thing the trio knew, people all over the city had joined in with them. "Understand we'll go hand in hand," they sang.
Alyssa grabbed Astro's hand, who then took the blonde's hand, who punched a random sucker walking past them.
"But we'll walk alone in fear…" they dropped each other's hands. "Where do we go from here?"
The swelling guitar music was hard to resist, which probably explained why so many people were singing.
"When does the end appear? When to the trumpets cheer? The curtains close on a kiss—god knows!" Alyssa waggled her eyebrows at Astro. "We can tell the end is near…where do we go from here? Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?"
They all held out the last note for approximately 17 seconds.
Drs. Tenma and Elefun returned to their dastardly game and ex-president Stone went back to brooding and discussing taxes with himself. Zog disappeared in puff of purple smoke.
"Well that was…odd…" said Astro. That hadn't been the only odd thing of the day.
Alyssa snorted. "Even for my standards…"
"I sang…" muttered the blonde. "I sang good…" She seemed rather shocked.
"I'm happy for you," said Alyssa, patting her on the back.
Astro watched the two unlikely friends as a thought nagged in the back of his head annoyingly.
"Alyssa," said Astro. He tried to put the thought into words. "I think it might be best if you…well…leave Metro City."
"What?" she snapped. "What was all that 'We'll swear to the SSTKSETSS' crap about if you were just going to turn around and tell me to leave?"
"I'm just saying—,"
"Cuz I'm every much a part of the SSTKSETSS as you are, buddy!" She looked at the blonde. "Tell him, Blondie!"
The blonde was serenely polishing an already shiny cutlass. She looked back and forth between the two with wide confused brown eyes. "Huh?"
"Never mind…" muttered Alyssa.
Astro sighed. "I just mean, that I know we secretly swore to keep this whole thing a secret and all, but…what if the police still find out about you and your chap stick?"
Alyssa opened her mouth to respond, but didn't say anything.
"I—we can't let that happen," he continued.
"So what, I just leave MC?"
Astro nodded.
"Well this sucks."
Alyssa and Astro shared a solemn look. Even the blonde, who'd put away her cutlass, looked depressed by the fact that Alyssa would have to leave.
The creeper half-smiled. "Bye Blondie. I hope you and the hearse are happy together." She smiled at the blonde.
"Bye Alyssa. Don't come back," she smiled to let the creeper know that she meant it in a caring way.
Alyssa laughed. "Well, I guess now is when you're supposed to kiss me passionately then watch me walk off into the sunset," said Alyssa as she turned to Astro. "But I know you wouldn't—,"
She was cut off by Astro, who swiftly met her mouth with his.
"I didn't see that coming," commented the blonde.
"Wow…" sighed Alyssa when they broke apart. "I didn't expect you to actually do it."
The robot laughed quietly. "Yeah…well…" he didn't have a comeback. "Goodbye, Alyssa."
Alyssa gave him a crooked smile. "Goodbye Astro." She looked at both of her newfound friends fondly before turning and walking off into the—as she correctly predicted—the sunset.
Astro watched her with an awestruck half-smile on his face.
Dramatic movie score swelled in the background then stopped when Alyssa tripped over the air. She landed on the concrete in a magnificent face plant.
"Ooh, that's gotta hurt…" muttered the blonde.
Alyssa jumped to her feet. She smoothed her hair and adjusted the contents of her shirt. "At least no I can leave with my dignity." She nodded to herself and walked onward.
The music resumed its swelling.
The blonde looked at Astro. "You're really gonna miss her, aren't you?" she asked.
"How could you not?" he asked in response.
The friends shared a smile for a moment, before the blonde climbed back into the hearse. She rolled down the window.
"To the SSTKSETSS!" she cheered, putting her hand to her forehead salute-style.
"Viva la Transvestite-killery!" called Astro. With that, the blonde drove away in her smoking, banged up hearse, leaving Astro to watch Alyssa's form retreat into the orangey-mango-pomegranate sky.
He smiled to himself. "To you, Alyssa…"
The end.
*music ends with crescendo as curtains fall*
Screen fades to black.
Part III In Which the Credits Roll On
The credits!!
Starring:
Alyssa Christine W. as Alyssa
Gabrielle A. R. B. as the blonde
Kyle L. F. as the transvestite
And…
Astro Boy as himself!
Written and directed by Sydney G.
Sometimes known as Sparrowxlight
So I hope you all enjoyed my little story!
But alas, all those burning questions…
What happened to Alyssa after she left?
Did Astro really fall in love with her?
Doest the blonde actually feel emotions like love?
Is the transvestite really dead this time?
Can you take anymore of the Authoresses awful puns?
Find out in the second installment of the Chronicles of Creeper—
Doppelgangland: Once More, With Creeper!
Coming soon to theaters near you!
(no, seriously, it's coming soon.)
For a tiny preview of what craziness will ensue, I'll give you a hint…
It's going to be a crossover with Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Stay tuned, loves…
~sydney :))