I was a passive Richonne shipper, mostly because I wan't sure if the show would ever go there with them. However, these last few episode were so fantastic & just highlighted their connection that I have officially fallen down the rabbit hole. This is my rewrite/wish of that midnight house scene from last weeks episode.
It was the first time in months that they could rest easy, or at least that's what he told himself. The walls protected them from the walkers but the community was filled with unknowns. He wanted to be comfortable in this house, the type of house he and Lori used to dream of. He wanted to feel refreshed after finally having a shower and being truly clean for the first time in ages. He wanted to have the ability to sleep in the large bed upstairs like an independent man, like a human – but he couldn't. Instead, he was lying on the living room floor with the rest of his people. His family.
Yet, he couldn't bring himself to sleep. He couldn't relax. The rightness in their situation only highlighted the wrong. He'd been fooled before; he wouldn't let his guard down again.
He wanted to look over to where Michonne lay, next to him. Close enough that it brought him relief but far enough that he felt the distance. It wasn't different. This is how they've slept since they reunited after the prison. There was something about being close to her that brought him comfort. He would bet she felt the same way.
He closed his eyes for a moment listening to everyone's steady breathing. It brought him satisfaction that his family was resting, even if it's just for a night. Everyone except Michonne, he knew she was awake. At some point he had become so in tune with her that he didn't even need to turn to look to know she was awake, as awake as he was. Probably having the same thoughts.
No longer able to stand the silence or the doubts in his mind, he got up. Walking to the kitchen he took out a knife, and made his way to the other end of the house. He stood by the window. Waiting. He knew she'd come.
Michonne stayed put after Rick left. She knew he needed a moment to clear his head and she'd allow him that. It wasn't easy for him - she knew that better than anyone - trusting new people, it wasn't in their DNA anymore. They'd been burned too many times to let down their defenses. The temptation to run and face the walkers everyday was strong. Out there you knew what to expect. It was war. It was survival.
Every moment of every day was a fight to live one more. In many ways it's what kept them going for so long. It's why they were all under one roof, sharing the same room. Together they were strong. However, she feared that the dependency also made them weak. What if this was it for them? What if this community was the real deal? Finally, a chance at a real life, that's all they wanted. It's what she fought for… but was she right? She wanted to be but she had her concerns. Once again they were vulnerable. The turned over their guns, were locked in for their safety, and they didn't know any of the people living here.
It's why she couldn't sleep. This is what she had been waiting for, this is what they'd been searching for. A home. A place for Carl and Judith to grow, somewhere they could be safe. She didn't delude herself in believing this could last forever but she was bone weary, a reprieve was welcomed. She knew everyone felt the same they were hopeful but doubtful.
Deciding that she had given Rick enough time for him to settle his thoughts, she got up to find him.
Though her steps were light, Rick heard her coming. A part of him wondered what took her so long, the other told him that she didn't have to come after him. It was strange, all these conflicting feelings. Things had been so easy before now he could barely navigate a relationship with his own children.
He relaxed when he felt her warm hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly as to not wake anyone up.
Once he turned and set his eye on her, all of his doubts were gone. He knew she was the constant in his life, whether they were roaming the open roads, or here in comfort.
"I'm fine," he said covering her hand with his own.
He continued before she could argue with him, "but I'd like to talk… I mean, if you're not too tired." Giving her an out if she wanted one.
Michonne knew something was nagging at him, "Lets talk then. Should we take it outside?" She asked, turning to check the sleeping bodies behind her.
"No. Lets just go upstairs, we can talk in one of the rooms. If that's alright with you." He wasn't sure why he suddenly felt unsure of himself. He knew some things needed to be said, he was just concerned how she'd react to them.
Michonne thought she had dealt with every version of Rick Grimes but this nervous one was new to her. "Lead the way," she whispered, giving him a small smile and moving aside so he could pass by her.
She followed him up the stairs, wondering what he needed to say. Originally, she thought it was about the doubts he had about this new community but now she knew there was more.
He led her into the first room off the stairs and closed the door quietly behind him.
Michonne and Rick were past being uncomfortable. They've lived together, hunted together, killed together; there was very little to feel weird about. Taking a seat on the bed she waited. This was his concern, she wouldn't rush him.
Rick wasn't even sure exactly what he wanted to say. Today brought many revelations and some yearning he had kept hidden away. He didn't know if they'd have another moment of peace after this, he didn't want to risk putting it off any longer.
He observed her, sitting on the bed. She didn't falter under his gaze, didn't shy away; she just waited. A part of him wondered if she already knew what he was thinking, it wouldn't surprise him. In the time they had spent together they had become uniquely in-sync.
He sat on the edge of the bed across from her. It was the first time they were really alone, without immediate danger looming. Without Carl, Judith, or the rest of their family.
She reached out and covered his hand, like she had in the car. "What going on, Rick?"
Looking down where her hand covered his, his wedding band out of sight, it suddenly felt heavy. He pulled his hand from hers and starting twisting the ring.
Looking back up at her all he saw was understanding. "This new situation…I don't know how long it's gonna last. It's just – It's …"
"Too good to be true?" She finished for him, feeling the same way.
Rick cracked a small smile, "I hate to be negative but you know this ain't gonna last, Michonne." He said without and condescending.
"And you're under the impression that I think it will?" She asked slightly amused.
Shaking his head, "no. I know you don't expect it to. I just, I don't know if it'll be enough or too much, you know?"
"Surprisingly, I do. Rick, whether we manage to stay a week, a month, or just for tonight – we'll figure it out. If we have to get back on that road tomorrow, we'll do it." She assured him. "Now what is this really about?"
Rick never had any doubt that Michonne would be ready to move on if necessary but he also knew that she wanted this, she needed it. So did everyone else, especially his children. He wanted to give it to her – to all of them. That sense of safety, home. He needed it as well.
"You know after Lori died I lost my mind for a little. Here I was trying to survive, keep my family going, and keep my people safe. All of a sudden my wife is gone leaving behind our son and a newborn. I was already turning into a monster at this point." He said regretfully. He knew he couldn't take back the bad decisions he made and he didn't think he would, if it were possible.
She moved closer to him, placing a hand on his arm. For someone that wielded a katana daily, her touch was light and soft. It wasn't the first time they had touched but it was the first time he allowed himself to enjoy it. "You've never been a monster, Rick. You're a fighter, a leader, a father, and friend. You've had to make the tough choices because the other weren't strong enough to do so. I know that. They know that."
He may have not known Michonne as long as some of the others, but he trusted her more than anyone else in his life. He knew he could count on her, he knew she'd pull him back if he went to far over the line. He knew these things because he would always do the same for her.
Pulling his hand away from hers, he rubbed his face. "I'm tired. I'm tired of being strong and fighting but I know I can't stop. The moment I let my guard down is when we all die."
Cocking her head to the side, she studied him for a moment. It was often he shared his own doubts. "I know how you feel. I don't think it's something we can turn off at this point but we can try to make the best of right now."
"I want to start living," he admitted to her and himself. "But I'm scared. If I had nothing to lose I'd be dead by now but Carl and Judith, they kept me going. Now it's not just them anymore," He got up the bed frustrated with himself. He couldn't get the words out. Why was it so hard to express what he was feeling?
Michonne watched him pace, she didn't have words to comfort him but shedid have things she wanted to say too.
"You know, there are a lot of things I've never told you," she began to say. Taking a breath she decided it was time to stop running.
"I could say it was because we didn't have the time or it never came up… but the truth it, it hurts. Talking about it hurts. When you took me in, I had been surviving on nothing for nothing. I was as dead as the ones I cut down. I was empty, Rick."
Rick stopped pacing he didn't like hearing the pain in her voice. He hated watching her eyes water, he didn't want to cause her any pain. "You don't have to tell me."
She stood and walked over to him. "I want you to know. You've shared so much with me. I'm ready to share this with you.
Rick slid his hands up her arms stopping right below elbow, stroking her skin with his thumbs. "I'm here to listen to whatever you want to say," he whispered.
His nearness brought her comfort so she took a step closer to him. They were maybe a foot away from each other. She couldn't look him in the eyes when she recounted her story about losing her baby and boyfriend, she just looked straight ahead at his throat. Just the thought of Andre still brought her great pain, pain she's been trying to ignore.
Rick knew he and Michonne were alike but he didn't realize how much of the same hurt they shared. He'd been luck thus far not losing a child, something he hoped he wouldn't have to experience. He managed to hold onto some of his family, his humanity. The link to the man he used to be. Michonne lost it all and found a way to rebuild and keep going.
He pulled her closer so he could wrap his arms around her. "I'm so sorry, Michonne."
They molded together perfectly. It was the first time they had shared this form of affection but things felt different now. There was an openness and understanding that wasn't complete before.
"I just want you to know you can share whatever you want with me." She mumbled, trying to keep her emotions in check.
Rick hugged her a little tighter before letting her go and taking a step back.
"When I said I was tired of being strong, I didn't only mean it in the matter of survival. I'm tired of being strong with you. You terrify me. Whenever you go out on a run all I can think is please survive, please come back. I'm not only fighting for Carl, Judith, or myself… Michonne, I'm doing this for you too."
Michonne took a moment to digest what he was telling her. She knew it was there, she felt it at times from him and she knew he felt it from her… she simply wasn't expecting it to ever bubble up to the surface.
"I have the same fears. You're my family… you, Carl, & Judith. It scares me too."
Rick squeezed her a little tighter. Trying to find the right words to make her understand what he felt. "I need you to survive, Michonne. I need you to promise me that no matter what you'll always put yourself first and survive." He knew he was asking for the impossible but he couldn't help it.
"You know we can't make those types of promises, Rick. But every time I go out, It's with the intention to come back to you, and every time you leave… I have those same fears." She admitted.
"I know. I know we can't make any promises but I need you to know that you're it. I love those people out there, I'll fight for each and every one of them but that doesn't come close to how I feel about you." He told her, running his hands up and down her back.
"I'm tired, Michonne. Tired of hiding from the little life we're allowed. I want to live. I want you to live. I want us to survive together and for the first time I think we can do it. We can do this."
"I want that too, Rick. I really do." She whispered. This may have not been the conversation she had expected but it was one that was always in the back of her mind.
Moving closer to him she brought her hands up to his newly shaven face. " I kinda miss the beard," she told him with smile.
He brought his forehead down to hers. "It'll grow back." He said, closing his eyes, relishing in having her so close for the first time.
"You're almost prettier than me without it."
"Nothing is prettier than you." He said against her lips.
"I said almost," she told him smiling before closing the distance between them.
It was a long time since either had this kind of intimacy but in that moment, nothing felt more natural.
Thanks for reading!