Looking up and down the train corridor I nestled myself further into Tobias's arms and sighed. I have watched both my mother and father die and I killed my friend. My best friend is MIA and now with our world crumbling to pieces I am embarking on an adventure - well, an escape mission - with my boyfriend, my brother, a guy that once tried to kill me and my boyfriends abusive father. Perhaps not the best allies but it's not like I have much choice in the matter.
"Tris, are you okay?" Tobias asked; wrapping his arms tighter around me.
Cautious of Peter and Marcus I stayed silent and nodded my head. Being on the escape train with us meant nothing to me right now. They were both traitors with high histories of violence who could not be trusted.
Gently stroking my hair out of the way Tobias lowered his mouth to my right ear and whispered, "it's okay Tris. We'll talk later. Just remember we're safe for now. I love you."
In response I entwined my fingers with his, lifting up his hand and kissing it in response. One thing Dauntless taught me was to always be alert and ready. That's one thing I will never forget. I might not be ready to fight and protect myself physically but I am ready to analyse the plans of destruction these people may have for me. For me and Tobias. For all Divergent's. They want us to fear them. I think they might fear us. They can't control us. We have our own minds. No one is safe anymore. Fear is a strange thing.
"Be- um, Tris... Can I talk you you?" Caleb asked, suddenly looking about ten years old despite us both being sixteen. I suppose Erudite headquarters must have had the opposite effect on him than what Dauntless had on me. They're not taught strength and bravery there. But then thinking about it, were we? In the end they did find away to use us. Being Divergent didn't let me escape the fate of killing a friend and watching my parents die... Is this what our world was created for? Suffering and heartache? I can't believe that... I just can't. Not when I lay happily - as happy as I can be in the circumstances - in Tobias's caring arms.
Snapping out of my thoughts I realise Caleb is still staring at me waiting for an answer. Who does he see when he looks at me? Surely not his sweet Abnegation sister. I was never that girl but looking at him I have to wonder if he was ever that boy.
"Yeah.. Sure, what's up?" That's not what I want to say and I'm sure everybody knows it. But I can't say what I want to say. How can I? Does he think I chose faction over blood by allowing our parents to die? How can he know that I wish I could have taken their place. They didn't deserve this. Looking at him now I see a young child. A lost looking young child wondering where he fits into the world.
"Our parents..." He murmured looking down at the train floor.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Caleb." I said for a lack of a better way of helping my brother. What else could I say? That I wish I could have taken their place? That I wish we never left them? That we should have just stayed in Abnegation? That even though we hated it there we should have stayed with them? That really, blood should always come before faction? Because now what do we have? Two broken factions and one who will possibly go after the other two.
"Please can you just come with me?" Caleb said standing up and hesitantly taking a few steps towards the next carriageway.
Tobias squeezed my hand and said,
"Go. He needs this. So do you. We'll be on here awhile but I'll come get you if we get close."
Nodding I slowly stood up and then stretched myself out before bending down to give him a soft kiss on his lips.
"Thank you". I said; smiling at him.
I was only a minute behind my brother but when I walked into the next train carriage I found him crying silently on the floor. Sliding down next to him I felt all of my own emotions ready to rise up to the surface but I think being in Dauntless almost taught me to be afraid of showing weakness and crying was definitely likely to be classed as a major insight into a persons weakness. But I'm also a sixteen year old girl with a destroyed life so maybe it was stupid of me to be angry with myself when a single tear escaped from my eye. And when another threatened to come from the other I wiped at my face with both of my hands balled into fists in frustration. Feeling guilty I realised that if I were going to let my emotions free I wanted to be alone with Tobias when it happened. The one true source if comfort I have right now. In a way that makes me such a cliche; teenage girl needs boyfriend to be happy. I need sleep, that's what I need. A nice long, relaxing sleep. In a comfy bed with fluffy blankets and pillows that you sink into. Wait... Am I actually that selfish? My brother is crying beside me and I'm thinking about luxuries. Maybe we could share a Dauntless cake on this train. 'Snap out of it Tris!' I mentally slapped myself. Maybe I'm turning crazy...
"I kinda figured you'd be the one asking me, but are you okay?" Caleb asked looking at me and wiping his own tears.
"Oh, I'm sorry Caleb. I just... I don't know. I don't think any of us are really okay. Not anymore. Not after what's happened. The factions are falling apart. What will we have left then?"
"We'll have each other and everyone on this train, right?" He asked, faking a smile.
"Well we'll have each other and Tobias but but I can't say much for Peter and Marcus."
"But Marcus is Abnegation right? And wasn't Peter one if yours?"
"Look, I can't explain Marcus to you because it's not my right to tell people but let's just say that Peter wasn't exactly a friend of mine in initiate training."
"I feel like we're worlds apart Beatrice... You used to be my friend and now you don't even feel like my sister..." Hearing my full name just felt so surreal that I had to stifle a laugh.
"You're the Erudite, you're smart. Did you honestly expect everything to be the same? Did you really think we could go back to playing happy families?" Hearing myself speak I wonder when I turned into this type of person. Being brave is one thing but being horrible like certain leaders is not who I want to become.
"No. But I didn't expect you to be such a b*tch either." He said standing up and carefully walking back to carriage with our friends and enemies mixed into one. Maybe right now Marcus and Peter look like better potential friends than I do to my brother.
After awhile of sitting in silence staring at the empty space where Caleb had been sitting I realised that I don't know who I am anymore. I'm nothing like Beatrice; the girl pretending to be selfless. But am I really anything like Tris either? I don't feel brave or strong. I feel like a stupid, selfish little girl who wants to curl up into bed with her parents after a bad dream and be comforted until she feels safe again. But my parents are gone. Our faction is gone. Mentally, I'm gone too. I'm nothing but an empty mess and changing my name isn't going to help me this time.
I didn't realise I was crying until I felt him wiping my tears. Until he was kissing me like it could erase all of the bad memories, thoughts and fears swirling around in my head. Pulling away; gently tugging my bottom lip with my teeth he said,
"Tris, I know it hurts and I know you are crumbling to pieces inside but can you please try to be strong? Just for now. When we're alone later - I will make sure that somehow we are - we can talk about every single thought running through your head and I will do anything and everything I can in my power to help you through this mess because I love you."
"I love you too Tobias. Thank you." I said. If it weren't for him I don't know where I'd be. Dead, probably.
Pulling me to my feet he gave me the look that said are you ready to jump? and for some reason my responsive grin was real. Maybe I could still feel that excitement and adrenaline like all those times in Dauntless.
Back in the carriage with the others we exchanged a knowing look as we saw Caleb and Marcus looking ready to puke. Either Tobias or Peter must have filled them in on what was coming next because Caleb welcomed my hand in his and squeezed tight as we ran to the doors and jumped.