Warning for inconsistent capitalisation :)
He is your best friend
your right hand man
your sidekick as you crusade agains the nerds and the weaklings
and
you
can't
be
in
love
not with him.
.
He talks about the fluttering in his stomach when he looks at her
He talks about wanting to impress her with everything he does
He talks about getting nervous, about fumbling and shaking and…
and that's how you feel around him
But you cannot be falling for your best friend.
Because that makes you the same as those you torment
You are not one of them. You are not weak.
.
You ignore the way your stomach drops at the sight of those blueblue eyes
You pick up a girlfriend
drop her two weeks later for another
juggle four at once
dump them all within a month
You go through girls the way you used to go through toys
But they're all so boring
.
He's still chasing the same girl he's been chasing since he was sixteen, over a year.
She still won't give him the time of day.
It still kills you to watch him look at her
But you tell yourself it's because he's your best friend, your right hand man,
and you don't want to let him go
but that doesn't mean anything more
You're not even sure you're fooling yourself, but no one else seems to notice.
.
No one outside your group of friends will look you in the eye anymore
it makes you feel powerful
it makes you feel alone.
You used to think this was what you wanted
but
this kid
this kid has blueblue eyes oh-so-similar
and those blueblue eyes are crying
and something inside of you breaks
but you look around at their jeering faces and you know
showing an ounce of sympathy
would get you tied to a flag pole with him
your pants also flying in the wind
You won't make yourself a target.
.
But you can't deny it anymore
You can't even convince yourself
You want to fold him in your arms and never let anyone else touch him
You want to see those blueblue eyes look at you the way he looks at her.
You want to know how his lips feel against yours
if they're as chapped and rough as they look.
maybe they are and maybe they aren't
either way, you desperately want to find out and that's when you know for certain
.
Your mocking gets worse, if that's possible
You spit out slurs with as much venom as you can manage
because you don't want anyone to suspect
that you might be one of them
When you're alone you remember the looks on their faces
and some nights you cry yourself to sleep
because you feel guilty
you caused that
and
if things were different
you could so easily be suffering it
most days you think you deserve to be suffering it.
.
And then
And then one day he takes you aside and there's something foreign in those blueblue eyes
and he says
D, man, do you think you could cut the homophobia a bit?
only I've got a cousin
and he's the closest thing to a dad I've ever had
and he's happier
and it's good enough for you
You use him as your excuse
and people rib him for it
but no one would dare touch him because they know that he is yours
and it's your word
and your word is law
.
But then
Then you have to go away
Your family is forced into hiding
Because of the cousin that you rarely even see anymore
And you can't even tell him the truth about why.
we're moving
you tell him
those blueblue eyes look at you in confusion
when?
he asks
tomorrow
and you almost want to say that's pain you see
like he might actually miss you
(though not as much as you'll miss him, you're sure)
why didn't you tell me, D?
he asks
I didn't know
is all you can reply
people don't pack up and move in a day
he looks… hurt. Disbelieving. Sceptical.
and you can't explain
because you can't tell him that a wizard is after your family
not without him assuming you've lost your marble
my parents didn't tell me
is the best you can come up with
those blueblue eyes soften
for a moment
just a moment
you think he might hug you
but he doesn't
keep in touch, Big D
you aren't sure you can
where you're going
but you nod and promise you will anyway
you will write this boy actual letters if you must
.
it turns out that email is actually safer
because the people after you don't even own a computer
(what hell that must be, you can't even fathom)
and you have nothing else to do in this damn house
(they give you online school but, hell, when did you do your homework at home?
that doesn't change just because you're on house arrest)
you write him an email every day
you fabricate a life for yourself
tell him about your new friends
(in reality your only new friend is the cat who slips in and out your window if you leave it open)
tell him about your new school, lockers, hallways, teachers
(you stare at a computer screen and are taught by a robot, when you bother to attend at all)
tell him about your new girlfriend
then your newer girlfriend
then your newest girlfriend
(the only girl you've spoken to in months is your mum)
he writes back nearly every day, at least something
tells you about your old friends
about the new kid
about that girl who still won't give him the time of day
.
at least the house has a punching bag and a weight set
you spend a lot of time in the basement
music pounding in your ears
trying to drown out thoughts
because when you think, you think too often of him
.
after nine months cooped up in hell they set you free
tell you whatsisname is dead
Harry's still alive, if you care
and you can go home now
his response to your email says
the hell don't your parents tell you you're moving more than one day in advance?
you laugh
.
he looks surprised, when he sees you on his front porch
and you wonder if it's because you're at his house
or because you're considerably skinnier
and
considerably more muscular
than the last time you saw each other
Does it matter?
Either way, when the shock fades it is clearly joy in those blueblue eyes
and this time you think, just for a moment, that he might hug you
and he does
He's shorter than you but not by much and his chin rests on your shoulder and his arms wrap around your chest
and your arms loop up around his shoulders
he is warm
I missed you
he murmurs like a whisper in your ear
like he almost didn't mean to say it
I missed you, too
you reply without hesitation
because if he can be vulnerable so can you
.
You don't get your happily ever after with him
You don't try
because she finally gives him the time of day
and then she marries him
and he looks so happy
He was never bound to be your forever
but you are glad to have known him
because he is the reason you accept yourself
he is the reason you stopped tormenting those that were weaker than you
he is the reason you are who you are
and he is straight
and that is…
not all right, exactly
but acceptable
you are happy for him
and you find your forever somewhere else
with a man with greygrey eyes and a smile as wide as the ocean
and he is happy for you
and that is enough