1.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
I should have been more careful.
I didn't mean to get you zapped by ancient alien tech. I hope your brain isn't too scrambled.
Get a grip, Alenko.
Kaidan had been sitting by Shepard's bedside for hours, and he was pretty sure he'd spent at least half that time (the half that hadn't been consumed by worry) trying to compose an apology for the mess that had been Eden Prime. If he didn't come up with something, he'd have to wing it, and he'd never been good at winging it. He had to be prepared by the time she woke up.
If she woke up.
I'm so sorry, ma'am. I take full responsibility.
It should be him in that bed. He knew that for sure. He'd been careless, and that had put the cap on a mission that had already been nothing but a series of mounting disasters. Now Shepard was paying for it.
Not only was he inappropriately attracted to a senior officer, but now he'd put her in a coma. Brilliant.
Her eyelids fluttered.
Instinctively, he reached for her hand, and came within inches of it before catching himself and snatching it back. This wasn't the time for reg-breaking, possibly-unwanted gestures of affection.
Instead, he did the right thing, the smart thing, and called for Dr. Chakwas.
Shepard opened her eyes and made a face. "What-" she began.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am," he said, the words spilling out in a rush.
She blinked. "What happened?"
"How much do you remember?"
Her brow wrinkled in concentration. "Nothing after tackling you."
"The beacon...sucked you in, somehow. I tried to get you out, but-" He cut himself off just in time.
"But what?" She propped her head up and speared him with her I-see-into-your-soul CO look.
"Williams, uh, sat on me."
Her eyes widened and she snorted a laugh before stopping and wincing. "Ouch," she said, pressing a palm to her forehead.
"I'm sorry-"
"You couldn't have known."
"But-"
"Not your fault," she said firmly.
He opened his mouth to protest, then closed it. "Okay," he said.
He looked up as Chakwas and Anderson came through the door. His cue to leave. He stood and stole one last look at Shepard.
She flashed him a small smile, and he couldn't help smiling back.
2.
Shepard came to with a gasp that made her whole body shake. This dream had been the worst one yet, even more awful than the ones after the first beacon. She wondered if it was because she was getting closer to Ilos.
A muffled "What the hell?" came from beside her, and Kaidan sat up, rubbing his cheek. Oh, no. She'd flung her arm back in her sleep and smacked him right in the face.
"I'm sorry!" she groaned, reaching over to switch on the light.
"It's okay," he said, still looking dazed.
"Let me see." She cupped his chin in her hand and examined his face. "Doesn't look too bad."
"Good. I'd hate to go up against Saren with a black eye."
She grimaced. "I'm really sorry."
"Must have been a hell of a dream."
"The beacon came with some side effects," she said dryly.
"Vivid dreams?"
She hesitated. "More like nightmares."
"Does that happen a lot?"
"All the time."
That brought him up short. "Wait, so you have those...what, every night?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"You didn't tell me."
She hadn't told anyone. COs, especially Spectres, were supposed to be invincible. There would be time for weakness after she personally sent Saren to hell. "We have bigger problems," she said.
He looked like he wanted to argue. She may not have known him for long, but she was intimately familiar with that look. He didn't, though, and she was grateful for that. For all she knew they could be dead by tomorrow. She didn't want to waste any of the time they had.
"I'm here now," he said.
She rested her head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath and relaxing into his arms. This was definitely better than waking up as she usually did, panicking and sweating through the sheets.
Just as she was beginning to drift off, she felt him press a kiss to the top of her head. "You know you can tell me anything," he murmured, voice muffled by her hair.
"I know," she said sleepily.
They left the light on.
3.
Kaidan opened his eyes and grunted at the light streaming through the window. He rolled over, still half asleep, and grasped empty air.
It had been weeks since the Normandy went down, and it still surprised him when he woke to find her gone. With any luck, his leave would be over soon. He needed work, something to focus on. Sitting around with nothing to do left him too much time to wonder if he was going crazy.
He'd stayed calm, somehow, on Alchera, even after he knew for certain she wasn't coming back. There had been a job to do and people to take care of, and he'd done it. He'd kept it together through the funeral, face carefully neutral while the chaplain said all the right things about honor and valor and service.
Putting on that front helped.
He saw her everywhere. He'd catch a glimpse of a dark-haired woman out of the corner of his eye and be filled with sudden, inexplicable hope, until he saw her face and realized he was looking at a stranger. He still turned to talk to her, sometimes, as though she'd never left his side.
Every time, it was like losing her all over again.
She haunted him, every day. Part of him wanted to keep it that way. Pain kept her real, made it harder to let her go. He'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but not like this.
He knew it couldn't last. Every day it would hurt a little less, until one morning he'd wake up and the ache would be bearable. He'd forget the details, the way she smelled and the sound of her voice, so slowly he wouldn't even realize it was happening, and then she'd be truly gone, nothing more than a faded memory.
He couldn't have it both ways, but he couldn't decide which was worse. All he could do was try to sleep. Then he wouldn't have to think at all.
4.
Shepard stood by Kaidan's bedside, practically vibrating with nervous energy. She knew she was due for an adrenaline crash, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Everything had happened too fast, from the haphazard flight from Earth to the race through the Mars archives, where it had all gone even more spectacularly wrong.
She'd slipped so easily back into command. It had been just like old times, Kaidan and Liara at her six, chasing down the bad guys with a clear objective. It had been simple to forget, just for a moment, that Earth was in flames, the bad guys had once had her help, and the person she loved (she could say it now, not that it made any difference) still wasn't convinced she wasn't a clone, or an AI, or a terrorist.
She'd thought she'd come to terms with the possibility of never making peace, but it wasn't so easy now that she was actually faced with it. If he lived, she was determined to talk it out. If he lived, maybe everything would be okay.
If wasn't something she was ready to deal with. She had to believe she could fix it all, from her own fate to the fate of the galaxy, the reapers, the Illusive Man, and everyone else be damned. If she believed it, maybe it could even be true.
She'd saved the galaxy twice, and she was going to save it again, and nothing was going to get in her way, especially not a creepy-eyed megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur. They may have given her her life back, but if they were intent on taking away the things that made it worth living, Cerberus was going to pay.
Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to relax. She'd stayed by him all the way to the Citadel, watching the shallow rise and fall of his chest, as if it would stop if she looked away. She'd counted the minutes and watched the bruises bloom, doing her best to keep him alive through sheer willpower. Now, she had to leave him behind and focus on the Council, or it would all have been for nothing.
She squeezed his hand, trying to fit everything, I'm sorry and I wish and goodbye, into that one small gesture. She hoped, wherever he was, he didn't mind.
5.
The luminous numbers of the clock blinked 0200.
Shepard had gone to sleep hours ago, but the knot of worry in his gut had Kaidan wide awake, staring up into the dark. Earth was only a few hours away. He remembered his last glimpse of it, the heart of human civilization just beginning to crumble. How much worse would it be now, after months of war?
Beside him, Shepard twitched. She was breathing fast, making the low whimpering sounds that he knew meant nightmare. He wrapped his arms tight around her, and after a few minutes, she relaxed.
If the world had been fair, they'd have years of this, helping each other through bad dreams and firefights and migraines and anything else life could throw at them. It wasn't, and he knew only too well that they probably didn't. The chances of any kind of future kept getting slimmer and slimmer, but he'd never wanted it more.
After her death, he hadn't thought he'd ever be afraid of anything again. The worst, most impossible thing had happened, so what was left to fear? As it turned out, he thought with some chagrin, a lot.
All they could do was what they'd always done. Take what they were dealt. Change what they could. Move on. He knew they were lucky to be able to do it together.
Out of everything he'd lost, the universe had given him this one thing back, and he was going to hang onto it with everything he had. Something to fight for. Something to lose.
The end was coming.
He closed his eyes and listened to her breathe, and waited.
6.
Shepard woke to the sound of quiet beeping.
She blinked, taking stock of the unfamiliar surroundings. The ceiling was tiled. The walls, what she could see of them, were white. She was used to lumpy beds, but the one she was lying in was a different kind of lumpy.
Her throat felt like it was lined with sandpaper; she tried to speak, but managed only a hoarse croak. Her left arm, when she raised it, was swathed in heavy bandages and attached to an IV drip. Her right wouldn't move.
With a concentrated effort, she lifted her head.
Kaidan was slumped in a chair next to the bed, fast asleep with his head resting on his arms. His hair, usually so neat, was disheveled, the streaks of grey standing out under the fluorescent lights, and the five o'clock shadow he was never really able to get rid of was creeping closer to midnight. One hand held tight to hers.
Shepard cleared her throat. "Hey," she said.
He started and looked up, bleary eyes widening when they focused on her. "What?" he said, then "Oh my God," and then he stood up so fast he nearly knocked over the chair, bending to pull her into an embrace.
"Ow! Ribs," she said with a flinch.
"Sorry!" He pulled back and hovered uncertainly, searching for a spot that wasn't scraped or bruised, finally leaning in and planting a kiss on her forehead.
"You're back," he said, voice rough with relief, stroking her cheek lightly with his thumb.
She reached up and pulled him in close. "Did we make it?"
"Yeah," he said. "We made it."
His smile was shaky, but it was there, and that was enough.