A/N: This is off a prompt from GiselleSwain about Varric and the shard of the lyrium idol. "Why didn't Varric go a bit crazy...or did he?" I just couldn't get the "...or did he" out of my head.
Like Brother
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Varric turned the shard of lyrium over and over again in his fingers.
"You should get rid of it, Varric." Hawke's voice was hollow, and the firelight from the hearth in his room flickered in her amber eyes.
"Then why did you give it to me in the first place?" he asked her and his words sounded equally empty in his ears.
"It killed your brother. It was not my place to keep it from you."
"I killed my brother, Hawke." The simple statement was easier to say than he thought it would be. He closed a fist around the curiously warm bit of material in his hand. He held it there for a time and felt his palm start to burn where it was making contact with his skin. He absently wondered if this was why Fenris was the way that he was. Did he burn like this all over, all of the time? He did not release his fist however, a part of him secretly savoring the feeling of something other than the numbness of regret.
"Death is, more often than not, an indirect path. Would you say that I killed Bethany by allowing her to come with us to the Deep Roads?"
"No, but I believe your mother said that."
Hawke winced and clenched her jaw. "Get rid of it Varric. You know that you should." She pushed back her chair and it skidded loudly on the wood of the floor. Hawke left him with his thoughts and the burn of the lyrium.
xxxx
"You are off your game Dwarf" Fenris swept his winnings off the table. Varric was losing a lot of coin tonight.
He forced a smile and a laugh for the elf. "Did it occur to you that I might be letting you win? I wouldn't want Hawke to think I was taking advantage of her beau." He hoped he sounded like himself. Lately he wasn't sure. Hawke seemed to be the only one who noticed and thankfully she wasn't here tonight.
" 'Beau'?" Fenris raised an eyebrow. "Is that some kind of insipid appellation you use for me in the ridiculous stories you write about her?"
Varric just laughed nervously and dealt another hand of cards. He couldn't help but worry that Fenris was going to tell Hawke.
xxxx
"Varric. Varric! Wake up" He awoke with a start at the sound of Hawke's voice. He lifted his head from the table and a piece of parchment was stuck to his cheek with saliva. "Varric, have you been up here writing all this time? No one's seen you in two days?"
Hawke plucked the parchment from his face. He attempted to straighten himself up. The large table was covered in parchment, all of it filled with his writing. A nearly empty ink well was overturned and a quill sat on his lap. The fire in his hearth had long since died to embers.
"What is this?" Hawke was grabbing up sheets of the manuscript and reading silently. "Did you write this?" She looked concerned. Varric had to concentrate to think of the appropriate response. He took too long. "Varric this is…nonsense. It's gibberish. What is this?" He looked dumbly up at her. Did he write this? He couldn't seem to remember…
xxxx
He had acquired stalkers. When they were all together, Hawke always kept him in her sight. When he was supposed to be alone, he wasn't. He would always catch a glimpse of Hawke following him, or observing him from afar. And when it wasn't Hawke it was her damn elf. Their eyes were always on him. He couldn't imagine what they were looking for.
xxxx
"Varric, I've found her." Aveline startled him. He jumped a little in his chair and looked up at her. He tried to look natural and took a sip of the stale ale in front of him.
"Who did you find Aveline? Did Daisy get lost again?" He forced his face into the mask of good humor he knew he was supposed to wear.
But he realized it was the wrong thing when the large woman's mouth dropped open in shock. She waved a crossbow in his face. "Bianca, Varric, I found Bianca! She was lying in a back alley in the allienage! You love this thing, how did you come to lose her?"
Bianca. Bianca? His crossbow. Bianca. "Uh, thank you Aveline, I'm…I'm not sure what happened..heh heh...I was sick with worry…" He smiled nervously and took the weapon from her. "Thank you."
She was going to tell Hawke…
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"I can make you a sleeping draught Varric. Would that help?" Sweet Merrill. She asked him hesitantly. Maybe Hawke put her up to it, but he couldn't bring himself to be suspicious of her.
"Thanks, Daisy, but I'll be alright. I'm going to turn in early tonight." That was the truth at least. But then, he had turned in early every night for the past week and it hadn't helped. He couldn't sleep through all the singing...
xxxx
Pounding, pounding, pounding on his door.
"Varric, open this damn door now!" It was Anders. Varric rolled out of his bed. He hadn't been asleep exactly, but he also hadn't been completely cognizant. He stumbled over to open the door.
"Can I help you with something Blondie?"
"Where is it Varric? I'm getting rid of it for you." The warden started searching his room.
"I don't know what you're talking about..." He was nervous, but why? What exactly was he denying?
Anders stopped and looked him in the eye. "You don't see it do you? You're becoming like him. Like your brother..."
Varric heard his own voice, but it didn't feel like it was him saying what he said next. "Do you want me to tell Hawke what you are actually doing with the shit and piss you had her scraping off the walls in Darktown? Or perhaps you'd rather I tell Fenris? She's fucking him you know, and loving it. Do you think she'd care if he killed you?"
Varric couldn't help but think it was actually Justice that chose to turn around and walk silently out the door.
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"Listen Seeker, I've told you everything I know." Varric wearily looked at the dark haired woman standing over him.
"Tell me where she is Varric." Her voice was strangely familiar to him. He heard her say words. He thought he heard her ask him where she was. But he didn't know where Hawke was. Did he?
"Tell me who she..." His eyes were going cloudy and his ears were going dull, but she asked him again. What was she asking him?
"Tell me who..." Varric"s hand was burning. Why was his hand burning?
"Tell me who I..." He didn't hear her this time. The singing was too loud.
xxxx
"Tell me who I am Varric, please!" Hawke's dark hair shook as she shook her dear friend by the shoulders. She felt Fenris come up behind her and pull her away. She shuddered her pain against his chest as he drew her into him. Somehow this defeat was worse than all others. This loss so much more acute. In the absence of death, there was a lingering empty misery and the sorrow was unlike any other.
Fenris led her away, the emptiness growing inside her with each step. By the time they exited the sanitarium she was numb. She couldn't help but think he should have died like his brother.