I was sitting in my office in the middle of the institute, bored. I kept looking around, imagining I was somewhere else. I was dreaming about Paris, Berlin, Bali, Hawaii... But unfortunately, I was stuck here in Idris, all by myself.

I often wished I would have been born in another town, another family but it didn't matter how hard I wished. I would most certainly never be able to leave this place, my parents would never let me. They didn't want me to spread my illness, as they called it. They would not let me see my siblings who lived in New York, to afraid I would contaminate them. You probably wonder what illness I have, well I have none. I'm considered ill because I'm a boy who loves boys... But sometimes I wonder, aren't parents supposed to love their children no matter what? Support them no matter what? I knew it would not be easy, if they found out, but I would have never expected it to be this bad.

I'm constantly watched and questioned. Their favorite question is to ask when this phase of mine is going to end. I never found the courage to tell them it never would. To them my career is over, nobody will ever trust me to be a leader and run my own institute. To them I'm a broken pawn on the chess game that is the shadowhunter world. A nephilim child that got corrupted by the demons.

In order for you to understand what happened, let me take you back 8 months, to the day my parents found out.

It was a rather sunny day for November, everything seemed so peaceful almost to peaceful to last; I wish I had been wrong. I was coming back to the institute after a long and nocturnal mission with my parabatai. As I set foot in the institute I saw my parents waiting for me. They looked at me with a smile on their faces, which between you and me was never a good thing. I saw from the corner of my eye my parabatai going his separate way after seeing my parents. I knew he had his issues with them, though I never knew what they were. My father stepped forward to greet me.

"Welcome back son!" he said. "I heard the mission was quite a success."
His voice sounded cheerful; it was so unusual. I should have known the storm was coming, but I was too tired to see it.

"Soon you'll be 21 years old and your mother and I think it's time for you to find you a wife," my father continued talking.

Before I could say something, my father took my arm and guided me to his office. I looked behind me and saw my mother following us. I'd kept my secret well hidden, nobody knew about it because I knew they wouldn't accept or understand it. I was trapped, there was no way out. My father made me sit in front of his desk, while he took his place on the other side. My mother closed the door and went to stand behind my father, watching me. I didn't know what to say, so I just waited. My father opened his upper draw and took a big folder out of it. He put it on the desk and pushed it towards me. I looked at the folder confused, I wasn't sure where this was going.

"What is this?" I asked.

"This my son is a folder with every female shadowhunter who is due to be wed this year," my father explained. "We want you to pick someone out and if you don't feel like choosing we can do it for you."

I looked up at them though I don't know why, maybe I just hoped they would tell it was a joke. I mean I always knew what I was and because of that, I knew that I could never choose someone from that folder. It was going to hurt me to marry without love but it also wasn't fair to whichever woman was stuck with me because I could never fall in love with a woman.

Seeing the struggles in my eyes, my mother came over to me, sat next to me and took my hand.

"You don't have to choose right now," she said. "We'll give a month to decide."

She took the folder with her free hand and gave it to me, then sent me to bed saying I looked tired. But I wasn't tired anymore, I was lost. I had a month to come up with a way to end this before it even started. My father only nodded his head, so I got up, folder in hand and went through the door. Once I was out of their sight, I ran as fast as I could back to my room, stormed in and threw the folder in a corner like it had burned me.

The month my parents gave me flew by and before I knew it we were in December. It was almost Christmas and I felt as trapped as the first day they'd gave me the folder, which to be honest I hadn't opened once during that month. There was no way out of this. I had turned the problem around and around in my head and I could find no solution. I was destined to marry without love. That night, I couldn't sleep since tomorrow it would be exactly a month and they would for sure want to talk to me about the wedding. With a sigh, I got up to look for the folder bringing it back to my bed. I opened it, against my pillows and start reading the profiles of the different girls.

The next morning came and I was still reading the folder though now I was at the end of it and nowhere near finding a girl that would be fit for me. I didn't think there ever would be such a girl. I closed the folder, got up and walked to the window. I stood there watching the outside world moving around. I don't know how long I stood there but at some point, someone knocked on my door, so I walked away from the window and went to answer the door. I opened it hoping it wasn't going to be my parents on the other side. It was my parabatai. I sighed with relief and let him in. He saw the folder on my bed and looked at me.

"So, you made your choice yet?" he asked.

I looked down to my feet and muttered a bitter no, because I wouldn't make a choice. If I had to marry without love, I didn't want to be the one to pick out the poor girl who would have to cope with me. He looked at me with a worry gaze.

"What's going on buddy?" my parabatai asked. "Are you alright?"

For the first time in my life, I wanted to just let everything out. I wanted to tell him that I liked boys, that I was afraid of the reaction people would have if they found out. I was afraid they would judge me, for being what I am. My parabatai came closer to me even more worried now, because I wouldn't answer.

"Hey, you know you can tell me everything," he said. "You're my parabatai, my brother whatever is going on I'm never going to abandon you or judge you. You do know that, right?"

I looked at him and what I saw in his eyes, made me trust him even more. I knew I could tell him and he wouldn't judge, he would just be there to support me. As I opened my mouth to tell him everything, someone knocked at my door and opened it without waiting. In front of me now stood my parents.

"Son would you please come with us?" asked my father.

"Yes, just let me get dressed," I replied.

"Meet us in my office," said my father. "And don't forget the folder, we have a lot to talk about.

After that they just walked out and closed the door behind them. I looked at my parabatai with a sorry gaze. He smiled at me and as he was walking towards the door he said. "Good luck buddy. We can talk later if you want"

On those words, he walked out. I picked out some clothes, got dressed, grabbed the folder and went out of my room, towards my father's office. The closer I got to the office, the more my stomach was tied in knots. I walked as slow as I could but eventually I ended up in front of my father's office. I raised my hand and knocked. I heard a casual 'come in' through the thick wooden door. I opened the door and entered the room. Both of my parents were here, my father in his chair and my mother standing behind him. My father pointed to the chair in front of them and I sat down, the folder on my lap. My father cleared his throat.

"So, have you made your choice?" he asked. "Which of those lovely ladies are we going to welcome in our family?"

I looked down at my hands, I couldn't say a word. My father was looking at me with such expectations.

"Tell me son, have you even looked at the folder we gave you?"

"Yes," I replied. "I did look at it."

"Then why aren't you showing us the girl you chose to be your wife?"

"I couldn't make a choice father," I muttered.

"And why is that?" he asked. I looked him in the eyes, took a deep breath and spoke.

"I want to be able to marry out of love," I said. "Not obligation."

I thought that saying that would make my father angry but he busted into laughter instead. My mother didn't move, speak or laugh. she was like a statue. I looked at him, confused as to what was so funny. He catched his breath and lock his eyes into mine.

"Son, love is a fairytale," he said. "It does not exist, so stop you childish behavior and pick someone!"

"I won't."

"Fine," my father replied. "Then we'll do it for you and you are going to like the person we are going to choose for you."

"I doubt that," I muttered, thinking they could not hear me.

"And why do you doubt that?" my mother asked.

I was speechless, I didn't know what to say or what to do. By the Angel, somebody help me please. That was the first prayer I ever made to the Angel and it was going to be the first of a very long list. I tried to get myself out of this mess, but I kept sinking to the bottom.

"I- I don't think, any of the girls will fit," I stammer.

"Why do you say that?" my father asked. He was getting upset as he was not getting the answers he was looking for.

"It's just a feeling," I replied.

"Feelings are for the weak and the mundanes," said my father. "And I don't recall you being a mundane son, so maybe you're just weak!"

Before I could stop myself, I said the unthinkable.

"I'm not weak! I'm just not interested!"

My parents looked at me like the thunder had struck them. Slowly my father opened his mouth.

"What do you mean 'not interested'?" he asked slowly.

It was too late to take it back at this point. I put my head in my hands and sighed. I had to tell them, the secret I was carrying around for so many years.

"I'm not interested in girls," I whispered. "I like boys…"
At that moment, the ground under my feet and my whole life just blew up with no hope of ever being repairable though they didn't scream at me. When I look back I think I would have liked that better than the look of disgust on their faces, the ice-cold voices with which they spoke to me. They cut me out of their will and send me away to Idris that same day. They didn't let me say goodbye to my siblings or my parabatai. From that day on I was their shame, the one they never spoke of or to.

So, I've been in Idris for 7 months, being treated like a parasite, a monster, an error. Like it's my fault I am what I am, but I didn't choose that, I was born like this.

The clave sends me every now and then, to execute dangerous missions, no one else wants to do. Almost suicide missions, but I always manage to come back alive. But I've made a decision, I know they are going to send me on a mission tomorrow. I don't attend to come back.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to kill myself, I'm just going to vanish after this mission. They don't want me in their perfect world. Well fine, I don't want to be a part of it. I decided not to dream anymore of those cities; I'm going there. I decided to go and live amongst the mundanes who are at least a little more accepting of people like me. I'm done hiding. I want to live, fall in love, marry someone one day. I want to be happy and free.

If I can give a piece of advice, never hide yourself, never try to pretend just to fit in because you're going to be all alone and I'd wish that upon no one. So, go out, live your life like you want it to be. Don't be ashamed of loving men or women, shadowhunters or downworlders. It doesn't matter, just be happy with whoever makes you happy. Don't let them turn you into a pawn in their giant chess game.

Alec closed the diary. He'd found it hours ago, and hadn't been able to pull his eyes away. Now that he was done, he turned it around to see who it had belonged to, but there was no name on the book, only a date carved on the side: 1957. He couldn't believe his eyes, 60 years ago, a shadowhunter had had the same problem he was facing now. Sixty years ago, this had all happened before!

Alec took a deep breath and thought about how the author of the book was right about love. Alec knew he wasn't going to be happy following the rules of the Clave. He had to take a decision. He wanted to be happy, to be able to love whoever he chose. To hell with the Clave's rules! He looked down at the book once more, opened his backpack that was lying on the ground, put the diary inside and run out of the institute.

'Magnus, I'm coming!' thought Alec while he ran through the city toward Brooklyn and the High Warlock that was living there, Magnus Bane.

This story was Beta read by JelloDVDs.

I'd love to hear what you thought of the story, so please review or write me a PM so you can share your thoughts.

Please also let me know, if you would be interested to see what could happen between Alec and Magnus. I could make this story a two-shot in that case.