I am celebrating (wait for it) new episodes! Yippie! Star Wars was my first fandom (unless Scooby-Doo counts and hey, why not?) The first fanfiction I ever wrote, before I knew there was a name for this strange desire, was about Ahsoka. I suppose the announcement that there were going to be 13 new episodes rekindled my love, and I searched my hard drive to see if I still had anything. Since none of what I found shall ever see the light of day if I have any say I wrote this instead, to get restarted in the universe. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! (I'm not entirely sure when this is set, but probably season one or two. Not much later, and almost certainly before any episode with Lux)
So much death. So much pain.
She felt it, tasted it, was it.
Could there be no escape from this turmoil, this destruction? What happened to innocence, youth, to being a shiny, to trying to pull rank? Had she now earned that rank? The one she had craved so long ago. Padawan. It felt like a lifetime ago that she had reached that level.
But was it worth it? Did she enjoy it enough for this? She lived in a war. She fought a war. But at what cost? How many lives were lost? Her master said that all lives begin and end with purpose. Ahsoka sensed that he was lying, but didn't call his bluff, because that was what she wanted to believe. That all this had a purpose, that it could be justified. But how could she? She willingly destroyed, not people, never people. But their homes and work places were gone, and wasn't she partly to blame?
Could this end? How could peace survive in a world like this? A world full of anger and hate; Light and dark; Wrong and right; Yes and no; Dark and light.
Where did peace fit in? Oh that was the goal, or was it? Peace, an end to fighting. That was what she was fighting for, right? For a chance at a better future as the holonet said. But as a Jedi would Ahsoka ever see that future herself? Would she, or her master, or Rex and his men get to experience that freedom? The very freedom that she was fighting for.
Ahsoka doubted it.
She wanted freedom, sometimes. In times like this, when she was completely honest with herself, here, hidden in the dark where she kept her deepest secrets. Sometimes she wanted freedom so badly it hurt.
What could she door with freedom though? Have a job? Face social expectations? Experience racism? Have a family? Have friends?
What could freedom give her that she could want so badly as to give up what she had? She had her master. She had a future. She had the Force. She had purpose. She had to win this war.
She needed to win the war for those who lived a normal life, who wanted it. Maybe she could live that normal life through them, just a little.
She stood and unfolded her legs. Outside her window life moved on. Normal life, not the life she had or the life she wanted; but the lives of millions upon millions of other people.
She wanted to move, to fight, train, live. She wanted to remember what it meant to be a Jedi, what it meant to be fighting for good. She pressed the button on her commlink.
One, two, three, four beeps before he answered. "What is it Snips?"
"I was thinking about getting some training in Master. Are you going to join me?"
She heard the pause as he thought. "See you in ten."
"I'll be there in five then, Skyguy."