Here I told myself I would never write a oneshot- yet, here I am, writing a oneshot. :3
There will be little in the way of cute and fluffy stuff in here, guys. It's under "angst" for a reason. It is also rated M for a reason – though mostly that's to do with the adult themes featured. Still, you are warned.
DISCLAIMER: I own nada. If I did, I wouldn't be drowning in debt to pay for school.
There is a song posted below which inspired this entire fic – however, IT IS NOT A SONGFIC. I really hate those. So, lyrics posted at the top only.
With that said, shall we get on with it?
WARNINGS: In case you missed it, there will be angst as a primary element here. Death and specters (ghosts) also play a more literal role. Though there's no specific world for this, Sebastian will be following his Manga personality – which means that he will not be nice. Sorry.
Now, lets get this show on the road!
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All that I'm living for by Evanescence:
…
I can feel the night beginning,
Separate me from the living;
Understanding me,
After all I've seen,
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better;
If I only knew,
How to pull myself apart...
…
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore
Alone at night...
All that I'm wanted for –
Although I've wanted more –
Lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me...
… ,,, …
I believe that dreams are sacred;
Take my darkest fears and play them,
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why –
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson –
So I'll find myself...
So I won't be lost again...
…
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore
Alone at night...
All that I'm wanted for –
Although I've wanted more –
Lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me...
…
Guess I thought I'd have to change the world,
To make you see me;
To be the "one",
I could have run forever –
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?
…
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore
Alone at night...
All that I'm wanted for –
Although I wanted more –
Lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me...
…
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?...
Should I lock the last open door?
My ghosts are gaining on me...
…...
Ciel sat at his desk, filing through paperwork tediously as he absently stretched his arms in turn, the action similar to the way a bird would stretch it's wings. Glancing at the clock, he heaved a heavy sigh. It was a quarter to midnight – no wonder he was tired. Blinking at the page he had been inspecting blearily, he quietly slipped the papers back into his desk drawer, deciding then that they could wait until tomorrow. Stretching his back as he rose from his chair, he heard a tell-tale rapping on the door.
"Enter." He said flatly, knowing too well who it was. He was the only person ever up at this hour besides himself.
"I came to check in on you. You won't have any energy to spend on your visit with Prince Soma tomorrow if you don't get some rest." The demon advised casually, taking an empty tray, fitted with empty plate and tea cup. "And between you and I, I should think that the man requires a certain amount of 'pep' to keep up with at times."
"You're telling me." Ciel huffed, stifling a yawn. "Get me ready for bed. Sans the tea tonight, though." Ciel added, putting up a halting hand as if to physically abate the butler from doing so.
Sebastian only quirked a curious brow at his young Master. "If I may ask, why? Have you an upset stomach?"
"Something to that effect." The Earl replied vaguely, turning from his butler so as to find his way to his room. "Are you coming?"
"Yes, my Lord."
Sebastian dressed his young Master for bed, pulling at the ribbons deftly, being extra careful not to tie them too tightly. "Is something troubling you?" He asked after a moment – it was a question they'd both seen coming a mile away. Ciel never refused his nightly drink – generally a blend of sweet tea with cream and honey – it helped him fall asleep and kept his bad dreams at bay, or so he told himself.
Except that the last week or so, it hadn't been working the way it was supposed to.
He had dreams. They weren't precisely nightmares, but they weren't pleasant dreams either. The primary reason being the uncanny (and certainly unwilling) guest of his mind's frightful fantasies:
His deceased father.
Vincent Phantomhive had been haunting Ciel for the last week, usually appearing in his dreams, which happened every night – whether he wanted them or not.
"Yes." Ciel responded after a moment. " Can ghosts talk to people?" The question, so aptly spoken, threw the butler completely off guard. Of all the things he'd been expecting to be asked, that wasn't one of them.
"Hm...I suppose so. They can't communicate directly, generally. At least, not unless the person they're talking to really believes them to be there." Sebastian explained as he knelt before Ciel to remove his stockings. " But they do sometimes try to communicate with the living. Why do you ask?"
"I...Oh, it's nothing. I'm probably just being paranoid." Sebastian quirked a brow as he rose to tuck his Master in.
"Nonsense. If you believe a specter is trying to talk to you, then perhaps you might do well to listen to it. Unless it's intentions are harmful, of course." Sebastian spared Ciel a fleeting yet suspicious glance.
"No, no – I don't think he wants to hurt me..." Ciel said, eyes far off. " I just don't know how to handle him waltzing into my dreams. No matter what else I dream, he is there. A ghost. A dead man." Ciel said the last part rigidly, as if to snap himself out of a stupor of some kind.
"As I said, M'lord, perhaps you should listen. He may have something of importance to say, and you are the only person he can speak through." The butler shrugged. Ciel's gaze turned thoughtful.
"Maybe. Fine. I'll try to hear him out tonight...but..." A sudden pain exposed itself in the young Earl's blue eye, a brief flash of rawness that was unusual, but not unwelcome of the boy, so far as the demon was concerned. Sebastian only smiled a tiny bit, coming to stand beside his Lord.
" I just...don't know what he'd want to say. He died when I was what, nine? It's not like we were ever close anyway, since he always had work to do..."
"Maybe he's looking to remind you of something, or help you along somehow." Sebastian said, and Ciel got the inkling he knew somehow who he was talking about.
" Perhaps." Ciel said, yawning. " We shall see. Now go." With a shallow nod, the demon did as asked, exiting the room with a small smirk on his lips. He had a hunch this would become an intriguing development.
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Ciel dreamt again that night, his mind thrusting him into a dreamscape that at once made no sense and perfect sense. It reminded him of Through the Looking Glass, in a sense. The world was made of everyday objects, things that were familiar to him – his chair, his desk, the hearth...only nothing was where it should have been. It was still his office, but nothing looked quite the same.
"I know you're here." He said, though his voice came out little more than a whisper. Funny, since he'd tried to speak loudly.
"And what of you? Are YOU here?" A mysterious voice whispered back, it's voice unfamiliar to Ciel.
"Who is that?"
"You wouldn't know me – I died when you were very young."
"That didn't answer my question." Ciel reeled when his voice, meant to be a terse whisper, came out nearly a shout.
"You will find that nothing works quite the way it should in here," The voice, which Ciel decided was feminine, said.
"Show yourself."
"Afraid I can't. I am only here in the interim; your father is the one who really desires your company, not I. I just thought I would come by to say hello to my only grandchild before I left." Ciel blinked.
"Grandchild?"
"Your father will be coming now. Best you heed him wisely – he can be right frightening when he's being ignored." Ciel felt a shift in the air, as if sensing her disappearance. Within moments, he sensed something else, a presence standing at his back. He hardly had to turn around to know, but hesitated nonetheless.
"What is it you want? You've been haunting me for a week, yet you never say anything." Ciel said after a few terse moments passed. Still, only silence replied. Taking a deep breath, he turned on his heel to face the man of his dreams. Of his nightmares. Of his everything it seemed.
"Why won't you speak? Don't you have something to tell me? Or are you haunting me just for the hell of it?" Ciel spoke bitterly, grasping the backwards nature of volume in this place enough to emphasize his words.
Vincent only stood there, silently, eerily, peering at Ciel with tawny eyes that looked far, far too familiar for his liking. He was dressed just as Ciel remembered him last, green coat and slacks unmarred, unchanged. Nothing about him was changed – and yet, somehow, he just felt different.
Vincent shook his head, a small smile on his lips. Ciel grunted with growing frustration.
"Fine then, if you don't have something to tell me, then you must have something to show me." He watched the man's reaction. After a moment of contemplation, Vincent nodded slowly, smile still eerily stuck in place.
"Alright. Take me wherever you need me to go – I would just as soon be done with this." At the harsh comment, Vincent turned his head to look down at Ciel in such a way that it made the boy instantly regret saying it – it was a look of hurt, but also innocence. A curious, almost childish look that begged the question, "What did I do?"
"Never mind." Ciel quipped unintentionally, forgetting that sound apparently worked backwards in this place. He spared his deceased father a strange glance before moving forward, towards a door that, by his recollection, should have been on the opposite side of the room. Vincent followed silently, opening the door with a courteous smile that nearly had Ciel stopping in his tracks. That look...
He chose not to dwell upon it, instead halting at the threshold to a room...of nothingness. Not just nothing, but nothingness. A black, bleary, blank space filled with darkness and shadows emerged before him, tendrils creeping from the mass like vines, reaching for him, trying to tangle around his legs, his arms, his neck –
"Gah!" He cried, but it came out barely a breath as he swatted at the dark tendrils, their capacity to frighten him reminding him far too much of a certain creature's energy...
Vincent placed a remarkably heavy-felt hand on Ciel's shoulder – what with him being a ghost and all, it surprised Ciel just how much he could feel him – though rather than halting, the action seemed reassuring. Vincent smiled down at him, gesturing to the shadowy abyss that was slowly but surely consuming the door frame, the tendrils spreading like roots over the edges, spilling into the room he now inhabited. They brought with them an abrupt chill in the air, though that very well may have been just him.
"Well, that looks inviting." He said sarcastically, swallowing his nerves as his dead father all but pushed him towards the door, both hands coming to rest on Ciel's shoulders.
"Alright, alright, I'm going." Ciel snapped over his shoulder like a petulant child. He had no idea what brought about the impulse; maybe seeing his long dead father had triggered some kind of regression in him. He didn't know, and didn't care to.
Walking to the darkness, he narrowly stopped before the mass, every fibre of his body screaming at him to stop, to go the other way. He pushed forward persistently, but every remaining centimeter felt like a full kilometer, his body straining against entering that eerie space so hard that it physically hurt. His muscles felt like they were made of rough, worn ropes that had been pulled taught against a hard surface, making it hard to convince them to move and creating a deep, burning friction as he attempted to force the motion.
Centimeter by centimeter, kilometer by kilometer, he made it to the cool dark matter, which came forth enthusiastically to embrace the earl, causing shivers to rocket up his spine in violent patterns from the unexpectedly watery feel of the dark tendrils. The sensation of the shadows was both uncomfortable and simultaneously soothing to the burning friction he'd felt before. As he went forward, the shadows unexpectedly engulfed him, swallowing him completely into their dark depths, flowing around him as water might – but it wasn't water. No, this had a decidedly different feeling. It was like air and water mixing, cooling on his skin and soothing to his muscles, but also penetrating him, acting like oxygen every time he breathed so that the frustrating urge to cough remained stuck in his lungs. The substance had no smell, initially, but as he walked further, a strange sort of smokey smell hit him. It was a confusing scent; initially with a strong note of burning coal, it transformed into a familiar musky odor that combined with the smoke-like scent to produce a smell that was both familiar and unfamiliar to him.
As Ciel walked on, somehow comfortably blind – he was sure that even if he could see what was in here, he wouldn't want to – his foot suddenly collided with empty air, giving him a nauseating jolt as the floor seemed to vanish on him, causing a vertigo-inducing freefall, despite the fact he couldn't see where it was he was falling.
He fell for some seconds, irrational panic making his body shudder violently in an attempt to right itself – or defend it's vitals, he didn't know – before he fell into a sort of trance-like state, falling without sensory awareness for the briefest of seconds before being laid, for lack of a better term, gently upon a hard surface.
Coming out of his stupor, he recognized a carpet under him – he was once again in a room, of sorts, only this time there was nothing in it, just him and the floor.
"What?" He said, noticing that his voice had come out at it's intended volume now. Suddenly, a deep, dark laughter resonated from the darkness around him.
"Who's there?" Ciel called, alarmed. He could feel his heart all to clearly just then, thundering in his chest like a racehorse. The sound did nothing whatsoever to calm him.
"My, my, what have we here?" A deep voice echoed. "What could the little Master be doing in a place like this?"
"Who are you?!" Ciel shouted, angry and growing increasingly frightened. "Show yourself!"
"Something tells me you would not appreciate seeing me as I am in this realm, my Lord." Ciel balked.
"Sebastian?!"
"Yes...and no." The voice said. "All I am is a piece of him, sealed inside of you when you formed the contract. Call it insurance."
"Insurance? Whatever for? My soul?"
"Yes, precisely." The voice chuckled darkly, sending a chill up Ciel's spine. He could envision the wicked smile on his butler's face, and it made him ill.
"Why would father want to show me this?" He asked himself, brow furrowing.
"Perhaps your phantasmagorical father wanted you to see how little you meant to that demon you keep under an illusionary spell." It said. "Though, I suppose the spell itself isn't what's delusional here – but you, believing you could control a demon!" It laughed cruelly, sardonically. "Just who are you pretending to be, little boy?"
"Shut up!" He cried, nearing his acute stress limits. It didn't matter that this was a dream, because as real as it felt, he really couldn't be sure it was one anymore.
"Bold words when you're facing down a demon, boy."
"You aren't real! This is only happening in my –"
"In your head?" He could practically hear the cheshire grin in it's voice. "Well, you're right about that. But make no mistake, I – and your demon pet – are no illusion." It spoke gravely, voice captivating precisely because it was terrifying. "This, as I am here, is as real as the demon outside of your mind. The only difference is that here, I have no physical form – none that you are allowed to see, anyway."
"You..." Ciel didn't know what to say. "Yes, I live INSIDE you. Always. I am in you, I am in him, and I am, in a fundamental sense, in every person alive."
"Cut the crap. Just what are you? WHO are you?"
"Are you certain you desire to know? Once you know, you can never go back. Once you are given a taste of reality, the wine will try to drown you. Are you so sure you will be able to handle it? Where I live, who I am – you already know these things. You simply refuse to acknowledge them. Just as you refuse to acknowledge the form your butler takes. You know as well as I who he is imitating – but just where do you suppose he got the idea from?" Ciel balked, in a state of mental shock. What the hell was happening here? Where was he? Why was this happening? Why had his dead father wanted him to know this? That question stuck to him. If it really was his father's ghost, it had to have had a reason for showing him this.
"I...I'm ready. Tell me." Ciel said, surprising himself with how calm his voice sounded.
"Oh? Very well," It chuckled again. "I am YOU." Confused, Ciel quirked a brow, but was interrupted before he could ask for clarification.
"I am all. I am, quite literally, legion – or what makes it possible. See this darkness all around you?" Ciel nodded. "I made none of that." Ciel's eyes, which he then noticed were both open, contract staring forth into the dark depths before him, went wide. "This – this is all YOU. All your hate, all your fear, your regret –"
"I don't regret it," Ciel defended. "I don't regret giving up my soul."
"Oh, but you can't help that." It said, grin in it's voice. "Every living thing values it's soul – you can't NOT regret it. But whether or not you do is not a problem. Whether it gets in my way does." Ciel felt an unexpected tightness in his chest at that statement.
"I am also that feeling," It explained. "That static pain that makes you wish you could die sooner, which makes you fight harder. The pathetically painful realization that, no, I really don't care. That no one does. That you are alone, and will die alone."
"Stop it! Just stop talking!" Ciel cried, covering his ears. Each word, each syllable dug at something in his chest, making his very heart ache – literally.
"You said you wanted to know what I am, how he, how your butler, managed to place me here. I am here because you are also here – or, at least, the darkest part of you." It lowered it's voice to a cruel whisper, the notes climbing in octave.
"I am all your fears. I am all of your pain. I am all of you that you hate, all which you hate in this world. I am what you fear the most. I am everything. I am also nothing. A shadow, a phantom – but one which exists inside your heart, inside your very SOUL. I belong here just as much as he does – for I am what called him to you on that day, so long ago..." Unwelcome images of when he formed the contract with Sebastian flew into his head like a flock of angry crows, berating his worn mind.
"N-no..." Ciel wanted to scream, to cry, but his voice refused to raise above a whisper.
"Yes. I am all you are." The voice had changed. Rather than being deep and scary, it was now higher and as it continued to speak, Ciel pushed the recognition of his own voice from his mind.
"I am the demon – the real one. The one that already lived here – the one that you run away from except when it suits you. I am he. I am you. I am the weakness, the kink in your armour – the you that no one else sees, the voice in your head – I. AM. YOU." Ciel closed his eyes and ran, heart pounding. This was too much. That damn demon had been right. It was too much.
But no matter where he ran, more darkness only followed. Ahead, behind – all there was, all around, was darkness; cold, heavy, crushing darkness.
"Father!" He cried, desperate. "Where are you?"
"You will not find him here any longer, Ciel." The feminine voice from before sounded. Never had he felt so relieved.
"How do I get out?"
"I am afraid I do not know." He began to quietly panic again. "But I do know why he showed you this – your inner demons."
"Why?!" Ciel yelled, tears threatening to spill from his face out of frustration and fear.
"To show you how to fight them."
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Ciel woke with a start then, feeling a very sharp, stabbing pain in his chest. The pain spread through his chest, into his abdomen. He could hear a voice, calling from a ways off.
Ciel? Master?!
"S...Seb...astian?" He managed to barely whisper. "Wha..." His vision suddenly came into too sharp of focus, making him blink away from the candlelight that suddenly appeared in his face.
"My Lord, are you alright? You gave even me quite a fright there."
"What? Why?"
"You quit breathing, is why!" An unexpected voice chimed in – it as Soma. Startled, Ciel tried to get up, but felt a pain in his chest again that forced him to lie back down.
"Ugh, what did you do to me?"
"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked, confused. Ciel studied the demon for a moment, eyes scanning over him with a mixture of suspicion and wariness.
"My Lord?"
"Don't you ever do anything like that to me again, you hear?" He bit out lowly, even though he knew logically that Soma was right there.
"Do what?" Sebastian asked, looking genuinely confused. Ciel put two and two together then.
'So it really was my "inner demon" ' He almost smiled. The cruel irony.
"My lord?"
"So help me, if you ever possess me, I am going to find a way to kill you." He growled under his breath. "And next time you put insurance on my soul, do let me know. Can't say I appreciate surprises like that." Sebastian's expression filled out into one of shock. Clearly he hadn't been keeping tabs on Ciel's dream – which the earl knew he did sometimes – which was both comforting and a little unnerving at the same time.
"Understood, my Lord." Sebastian said, trademark smirk coming onto his face. It was better than the grin, at least.
"Um, so what are you two talkin' about?" Soma interjected. Startled again, Ciel jumped.
"What the hell is he doing here?"
"I called Agni as soon as I seen that you had stopped breathing. He is skilled in healing, and I couldn't get you awake – try whatever I may." Well that sounded suspicious.
"And just what did you try?" There was an uncertain silence.
"Sebastian." Ciel warned. The demon sighed.
"I attempted the only medical proceedure I knew to be effective at the time – CPR." Ah, that explained the chest pain.
"Well, I'm pretty sure you cracked a rib." Ciel huffed, trying to lean forward again, only to be stopped by the same pain as before.
"Apologies, my Lord."
Ciel lied back down, thinking. [' to show you how to fight them.'] Her voice rang in his head. Fight them, huh?
He watched Sebastian turn to retrieve something from Agni, who had been silently residing behind the butler the entire time, much to Ciel's embarrassment. Still...fighting his demons, neh? Well, if he did decide to do so...
If he decided to do so, then Sebastian had one Hell of a fight coming to him, whether he wanted one or not.