This is my first attempt to write Amy/11 and I'm very nervous about posting this. First because I didn't plan on writing this, it just happened. Today it's The Angel Take Manhattan anniversary and I guess I just needed to express my pain. Second because Amy11 are VERY important to me and the last thing I want to do is write a bad fanfiction (or one-shot in this case) about them. Anyway I hope you don't hate it xD
Today
For the Doctor time does not exist. Well time does exist outside the TARDIS, in all the universe times flows, second after second, minute after minute, year after year. Like a strict progression of cause to effect, like a line but time is not a line. It's actually more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly time-y wimey stuff. It's complicated. But time does exist, it progresses. The Doctor can go back in time, see the Roman Empire fall or forward in time to witness the creation of a new whole world, and time still progresses. It never stops and the last Time Lord never stops with it. Except that he did stop. While time goes on, the Doctor stays still. The TARDIS is floating somewhere in the universe, where? The Doctor doesn't know and he doesn't care enough to find out. It's been like that for a hundred years now. One hundred years in exactly 21 minutes and 11 seconds.
A hundred years ago the Doctor has stopped. He doesn't have a companion anymore, he doesn't seek for adventures, he doesn't run. He doesn't do anything.
He once closed his eyes to find the darkness, to finally rest but all he saw was a burning light, that enlightened all the things he had lost. He has never closed his eyes since then. Sometimes he reads, horror stories mostly. The Doctor used to love fairytales, he used to read those to his children and grandchildren before going to bed. Now he keeps those books locked in the darkest place of the library because fairytales tell lies. They all have happy endings but there are no such thing as happy endings. Not for the Doctor. So he reads about ghosts that come back to hunt innocents, some come back to be reunited with their loved ones. He knows that's a lie too but it's a lie the Doctor needs. So he doesn't lock those stories away, he holds on to them.
Sometimes he speaks too. When Vastra and Jenny call him, he always answer. On the good day he answers their questions, he doesn't use a lot of words but Vastra and Jenny don't complain so he never tries to use more words. On the bad days he stays silent but he always listen. When they tell him what is happening around the universe he listens, never does anything about it but he does listen. Jenny is always kind to him. Vastra is kind too but she always tell him to take the TARDIS somewhere new where he can do something. He always replies that he doesn't want to do anything and Vastra always remind him how much time has passed since the day he stopped. He doesn't need a reminder. He remembers. He never counts the time that passes but he knows. How can he forget? The day he lost the most important thing that ever mattered to him it's all he remembers. Some days Vastra call him without Jenny and those are the days when he doesn't want to listen. Those are the days she tells him to move on, to let go. But he doesn't let go and she gets mad. He knows it's because she cares about him so he tries not to yell at her. He wants to tell her that she doesn't understand but he knows that she could never understand so he doesn't even try. Those conversations end with an exasperated Vastra that conclude the communication with a sigh. Occasionally she adds 'You're not living, Doctor. You're existing. I wonder how much existence you've left'. He doesn't answer because he doesn't know. It's always the same. Time goes on, things repeat themselves and never actually changes, so when Vastra's face appears on the screen in front of him he knows exactly what will happen.
Vastra knows what day will be in 14 minutes and 37 seconds, he can see it in the way she smiled at him. It's a forced smile, she's pretending to not be worried about him. Vestra never pretends, that's why he likes her.
On this day of the year she never asks how he's doing because she knows, she can see it in his eyes, in the way they fight to keep the tears inside, in the way his hands tremble touching his she doesn't lecture him about moving on because today it's the day he goes back. Back to the place where he's lost everything, the place where he last saw her face. Today he runs to her. But today it's not today for another 6 minutes and 53 seconds. So he waits. Every year he waits for this day to come hoping for something to change but nothing changes. He always waits and she never comes back.
58 seconds. He stands up and goes to the TARDIS's console. He presses some buttons, he fixes his bowtie, pulls the lever and this time he knows exactly where the TARDIS is.
1 second. He steps outside and it's cold. It's always cold and after all you can't expect a graveyard to be anything but cold and silent. No one is around, he's alone like he's been for the past hundred years. And when he touches her grave he feels even more alone. He always miss her and he always feel the hole in his chest that she used to fill but today he misses her more. Today he feels more pain than any other day, today he sits in front of her grave and all he sees between the tears it's her. Her red hair, her bright eyes filled with tears, her red lips whispering goodbye as she leaves him. But she's not the only one who left him today and that it's not just her grave. The Doctor misses him too but missing him is not killing the Doctor, missing her is. Every day part of him dies as he sees her leaving him for another man. He shouldn't blame her for have chosen her husband over him but he does, deep down he does. Because he was hers but she was never his to keep, because she had all of him but he couldn't have all of her. But he's not letting her go, not even now. He's keeping the memories of her close to his hearts, between his hearts where she will always be, where nothing can take them away from him.
He leans his back on her grave to feel her and he doesn't. It's cold stone and it's lifeless but he knows she's there somewhere because after all she's always with him. He can't feel her, he can't see her but she can't be forgotten, not ever. He whispers 'I miss you' and he wonders if she ever missed him. And deep down he knows she had missed him all her life because he will miss her all his life as well.
As he caresses the epitaph he remembers all the times she was with him, the good and the bad times. When she ran away with him before her wedding, when she smiled, when she kissed him and when he wanted to kiss her but he couldn't because she had made her choice and he had to respect it. He thinks of all their adventures, when he saved her and when she saved him, most times from himself. He remembers the letter she wrote for him, to assure him that she had lived a happy life but he selfishly wishes she had lived that life with him. He remembers the times when he had to leave her and when he came back for her because he wanted to share the travelling with her, the time when she asked him why he always came back for her and now he wishes he had told her the real reason. He remembers when he put his life in her hands because she was his life. He thinks of all the things he has never told her but should have because maybe they would have made her stay. Must most of all he holds on to her, to the memory of her smile because she one asked him to never let go so he doesn't. And he thinks about today, when a hundred of years ago he asked her to stay not for her but for himself because he can never be happy without her, how she said she was going to be fine but she didn't think that he couldn't be fine without her. He remembers the pain, the darkness that fell upon him after she was gone, how that darkness is now the biggest part of him. He remembers that she never wanted him to be alone but he only wants to be with her. He remembers everything and not for a moment he wishes he could forget.
One hundred years ago was the day the Doctor stopped living and started existing, the day when he stopped travelling because he didn't have her to share it with. Today it's the day the Doctor had lost the interest in the universe because she was no longer in it.
When the day ends he goes back to the TARDIS and everything goes back to where it was. The TARDIS is floating somewhere in time and space and the Doctor starts waiting again. He always waits, he waits for her to come back to him. He knows she's not coming back, he knows he can wait for another hundred years and she will still be gone but he can't not wait, even now. So he goes to the library and picks up the old book of fairytales he used to read to his children and grandchildren and he reads. Because today, just today he needs to believe that happy endings do exist, that, if he keeps waiting, she will come back. After all if something can be remembered it can come back and if there is one thing the Doctor knows it's that he will never forget his Amy Pond.