This is going to be a two-parter, my mind just insisted on writing this silliness today.
It had been ten minutes, maybe not even that long, Ianto thought. He had gone up to wait for the pizza delivery and finish off a couple of tasks on his computer up in the tourist office. Then he came back down to find the hub ominously silent. He stood by the door, as it closed behind him, looking around.
The rest of them had been there when he had left them, fussing over some kind of artefact while they speculated what it did. Now they were all very conspicuous by their absence.
"Guys?" Ianto shouted, looking around carefully as he stepped forward. He shifted the pizzas to one hand, balancing them a little precariously. It wouldn't have surprised him if Jack had thought up some completely childish and annoying prank to play on him. The others probably wouldn't take much persuading.
Ianto went up the steps and looked around. The artefact was still on Toshiko's desk, and nothing appeared to have moved. Ianto raised his eyebrows as looked down at the clothes on the floor. There was a trail of them running into Jack's office, and most of the clothes appeared to be Jack's.
"Oh, he wouldn't," Ianto muttered to himself. Himself decided to inform him that Jack so would. He tensed as there was a shuffling sound from the office. He slid the pizzas onto a corner of Toshiko's desk and stepped forward, moving silently and some instinct made his hand slide round to the small of his back, to his gun. He wasn't entirely sure what caused that reaction, but something stirred in his gut that told him something wasn't quite right. There was a sense of static in the air that told him that this was not one of Jack's silly moments.
He controlled his urge to pull the gun, he was in the hub and the others were around somewhere. Ianto glanced back at the artefact and then his head whipped round again as he caught movement in the corner of his eye. A dark head ducked back behind the door of Jack's office. Ianto moved a few steps forward and the dark head appeared again, and a pair of huge, doe-eyes stared at him.
Ianto blinked, so did the eyes, and Ianto's hand moved away from his gun. He looked down at Gwen, and the fact was, he was looking down a considerable distance. Gwen blinked again and as he stepped forward she ducked back.
"Gwen, it's all right, it's only me."
Gwen's head appeared again, and then another dark head of hair peeped up from behind Gwen's shoulder. Toshiko was even lower than Gwen. There was clearly a little prodding on Toshiko's part as Gwen jumped before scowling at her and shuffled forward a little. Toshiko followed, both of them staring up at Ianto with wide eyes, and neither of them the height they should have been. Both of them swamped by the tops that had fitted them ten minutes ago. Ianto hefted out a heavy sigh.
"Oh, bugger!"
Gwen's eyes widened again, but her face lit up with amusement, Toshiko looked shocked. Ianto's head whipped round as a giggle came from behind the sofa and a high pitched voice said.
"Bugger, shit, arsehole! Ow!"
Ianto had reached behind the sofa, grabbed the offender by the ear and hoisted Owen out from the sofa. He still managed to be in all his clothes, but he was just as swamped. Ianto pulled him clear of the furniture while Owen squirmed in his grip. He looked a little older than the two girls; Ianto guessed Owen was about eight years old, Gwen and Toshiko about five.
"OW!" Owen protested again, wriggling even harder. Ianto deposited Owen on the sofa.
"Not another word," Ianto ordered him sternly. Owen glared at him sullenly and rubbed his ear. Ianto looked around and asked a rather pertinent question.
"Where's Jack?"
Owen continued to sulk, the girls looked worried. Ianto frowned in concern and concentrated on Gwen and Toshiko.
"Look, I'm not going to be angry, I just need to know where he is."
Ianto also needed to know what age he was, he scanned the floor hoping to God he hadn't reverted into sperm or something. He couldn't entirely put that one past Jack. However, Toshiko let go of Gwen's hand and shuffled sideways, a little away from her. As she opened up the gap there was a little whimper from behind them.
Trying not to teeter over the brink into a full blown panic attack Ianto carefully stepped between them and sighed. They had attempted to wrap Jack up, to protect him from the cold floor, pushing Jack's tee-shirt and shirt around him, but he was escaping his coralle to crawl to Ianto, and the very sweet looking baby gazed up at him with Jack's stunning blue eyes. He couldn't have been much more than a year old.
"Oh… dear," Ianto said. Owen giggled again and Ianto ignored him reaching down to pick up Jack. Jack grizzled momentarily but as Ianto settled Jack against his chest the baby gave a coo of delight, latching one hand onto Ianto's tie and drooling onto his shoulder.
"Thank you," Ianto said to him. Jack's eyes regarded him steadily, giving a happy little smile.
"All right," Ianto said turning around and surveying the young Torchwood team. "At least everyone is present, if not entirely correct. Gwen, what happened?"
Toshiko would probably be able to give a better answer, but she looked so shy, huddling behind Gwen again, which Gwen didn't seem to mind. Ianto guessed that the wrapping Jack in his clothes idea had been Toshiko's, but Gwen had probably implemented it.
However, Gwen was not clear on the details of what had occurred. She stared up at Ianto and looked apologetic. Eventually she shrugged, tilting her head in an endearing fashion.
"Don't know."
"Okay," Ianto said. "Right, I'll watch the footage. You two go and sit down with Owen and I'll look at the CCTV. He herded the two girls over, and Toshiko clambered up, happy to sit in the middle, Owen regarded the two girls with mild disgust and shuffled sideways to put a gap between him and Toshiko. Gwen settled on the end.
"If Jack sits between you two," Ianto stared, lifting Jack and planning to settle him in the space between the girls. Jack, however, vocally raised an objection to that idea, giving a loud wail, bunching his hands into fists and flailing them. Tears started to leak from his eyes. Owen stared in amazement, putting his hands over his ears. Gwen looked up at Ianto.
"I don't think he likes that," she announced.
Jack had made his feelings quite clear. Ianto straightened up and put Jack back against his chest. Jack settled again, and Ianto shifted him so he was comfortable. He carried Jack over to the desk and grimaced as he felt Jack drool on him again, then his mouth latched onto Ianto's collar bone, chewing lightly while he gurgled happily. Ianto sighed and sat by Toshiko's computer, tapping the keyboard to bring up the playback.
It became fairly self-explanatory after that. Jack was fiddling with the device, Toshiko behind him, Gwen a little further away and Owen at his own desk working on his computer. After a quick blast of light, whatever had happened had taken affect. Jack had taken the brunt of it, and probably shielded Toshiko from the worst effects, therefore making her about the same age as Gwen. Owen the furthest away was the less affected. Ianto set the computer working out the distances and the intensity of the blast and he eyed the machine warily, but looking at that and the footage, it was clear Jack had been pressing buttons on the control panel and had caused the incident. He also got the computer to make a magnified recording of what Jack had been doing.
"Can't leave things alone can you?" Ianto murmured to the baby, who gave a muffled coo and carried on gnawing at him. Jack had some baby teeth by the feel of it but he wasn't causing Ianto any pain so he left him alone. "And when I get this fixed you're buying me a new shirt."
Jack gurgled again, releasing Ianto so he could spit on him.
"Jack! Hey!" Ianto snapped his head round as Toshiko yelped.
His mother had been right, you did need eyes in the back of your head. In this case however, Ianto had CCTV, he had opened a panel so he could keep an eye on the three children behind him as he assessed the playback. So Owen was caught red-handed as he leant over and pinched Toshiko on her thigh. Toshiko gave a yelp of shock and pain and Gwen, naturally, came to her defence.
Leaning over a now crying Toshiko she started to bat Owen around the head. Owen batted back, catching Toshiko on the cheek.
"Oi!" Ianto yelled, making Jack stir restlessly.
Gwen stopped immediately. Owen added one more slap to the back of Gwen's head. Between them Toshiko continued to cry, quietly. Ianto extracted Jack from his position, which meant he started off again and put Jack next to Gwen, who took a tight hold of the wriggling baby. Jack was less than pleased to be separated from Ianto. Gwen made attempts to soothe him while Ianto took Owen's arm, pulled him up and dragged him across to his desk, putting him down in the chair, and moving it away from the computer for good measure. Owen glared up at him and looked ready to run. Ianto stared him down.
"If your backside comes off that chair I will paddle it," he warned Owen, meaning it. Owen's eyes widened and he settled back down again.
"Great, I've turned into my mother," Ianto muttered, left Owen where he was and went to look at Toshiko. She had a red mark on her thigh, which was going to bruise; her cheek had also started to turn red, but not as bad. Tears were still running down her face, but she made no sound. Gwen was trying to cuddle her as she held onto Jack. Jack just sat between them and roared. Ianto tweaked his nose, it surprised Jack so much he stopped.
"Stop that and let me deal with Toshiko."
Jack stared at him, but seemed to settle down. Ianto looked at the bruise.
"I'll get something to cool that down," Ianto said, although he wasn't sure what, an ice pack might be a bit much. "Stay."
He made the order generic, Gwen nodded, clearly taking a responsibility to look after Toshiko and Jack. Owen sat on the computer chair, holding the sides of the seat tightly as if he was frightened his backside would lose contact with it. He was eyeing Ianto warily, and with a shred of respect. Taking that into account, and anyway Ianto didn't want them wasted, he picked up the pizza boxes and opening them up put some on the coffee table and handed Owen his, putting it in his lap.
"Here, eat pizza," he added before wandering down into the autopsy room to rummage through Owen's medical kit.
Eventually he came back with a dressing he had dampened with cold water. Ianto felt very strange putting it on Toshiko's bare thigh. She gave a little sniff and nibbled on her pizza slice, Gwen was chewing hers and had also torn a piece off that Jack could gnaw on to keep him quiet and occupied. Ianto felt a little alarmed, he was fairly certain that Jack shouldn't be trying to eat anything like that. He didn't seem to be eating it, more sort of sucking on it, since he seemed happy Ianto didn't bother him.
After a few moments, once Toshiko was settled, Jack discarded the pizza piece and started to crawl over Toshiko to Ianto. Ianto picked him up and sighed.
"All right Jack."
Jack hiccupped, spat tomato sauce on Ianto and snuggled against him. Toshiko held out a napkin from the pile that had come with the pizzas.
"Thank you, Tosh," Ianto said, making her blush a little. Owen sniggered and Gwen glared at him.
"Right, I need to concentrate on getting you fixed," Ianto said. Taking Jack with him Ianto sat back at Toshiko's desk and started to go through the data that they had gathered on the device which had done this. For a moment the others were blessedly quiet while they ate until Gwen's head lifted and she looked around. She slid off the sofa and padded across the hub, going to her desk and rummaging around. Ianto only paid attention as she moved her chair and started to climb up it.
"Gwen! Careful!" Ianto yelped in alarm. Gwen paused, but pointed to her desk.
"How come she gets to walk around?" Owen demanded through a mouthful of pizza, it was packed into his cheeks making him look like a very sulky hamster.
"Gwen" Ianto replied archly, "does not going around pinching people."
Owen scowled. Ianto went to Gwen's desk, to see what she wanted. A sheet of paper was vibrating, flipping it out of the way Ianto picked up her phone, and it suddenly stopped ringing. Gwen frowned in concern. Ianto pressed the button to see who had called and wasn't surprised when Rhys' name appeared.
That was the same moment that Owen tipped his pizza off his lap, so it landed toppings down on the floor. Toshiko peered under the dressing to look at her bruise and Gwen tugged on Ianto's trousers.
"Who was it?" she demanded.
Ianto jumped as it vibrated again and without even thinking, pressed the button to answer it. As he placed it against his ear he got Rhys' voice announcing.
"What is the point of having a phone if you never bloody answer it?"
"Rhys, it's Ianto?"
"Why are you answering Gwen's phone? Where's Gwen?"
Ianto couldn't blame him for sounding suspicious. Looking down at Gwen's face Ianto really couldn't blame him. Owen now had his feet on the pizza box, mushing pizza onto the floor as he muttered under his breath. Toshiko opened a can of drink, which must have been shaken beforehand as it fizzed everywhere, she tried to use a nearby newspaper to mop it. Gwen stared up at Ianto, Jack grabbed Ianto's tie in one chubby hand and stuffed it into his mouth. Ianto groaned.
"Gwen's fine, okay, she just can't come to the phone right now. Erm… Rhys, could you come over to the hub?"
"Why? I thought you said Gwen was fine."
"She is fine," Ianto said. "I could just do with a hand, that's all."
"Why?" Rhys asked belligerently. Ianto winced. So did Gwen, stepping back from Ianto and she started to giggle. Owen looked up to see what all the fuss was about and sniggered behind his hand. Toshiko eased herself back onto the sofa, eyeing the mess she had created apprehensively. Jack stared up at Ianto with bright, mischievous eyes.
"Okay, I'm in a bit of a fix, I need an extra pair of hands. Look, explaining when you're here is better. Just hop on the lift and I'll let you in."
"Gwen had better be in one piece when I get there," Rhys warned, and Ianto imagined himself getting a rather bloody nose if Rhys decided smaller Gwen wasn't enough of a one piece.
"She will be, just one other thing… you couldn't possibly pick up a pack of nappies on the way, could you?"
The words 'stable', 'horse' and 'bolted' sprang to Ianto's mind.