Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket
Finding You
For fringeperson
Should she be feeling this way. She was beginning to think that she was becoming more and more ungrateful for the fact that she was pregnant in the first place. Just the other week she was walking down the corridor with Kureno after an appointment and they passed an open door with a woman crying on a hospital bed with her husband or partner, boyfriend or whatever holding her hand looking just as sad as she was. She should have been grateful for the fact that she was so lucky. Tohru always seemed to find a way to feel like that even though in some ways she had a harder life than Arisa. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there were children in the playground laughing and running around. It should have been the perfect day. There should have been nothing to get in the way of the fact that anyone could see that it was perfect. Nothing should have bothered the young twenty-two year old mother but then again there was the wailing mother to be sitting right next to her. Then again, if they knew, people should take into account that that particular mother was Arisa.
"Being pregnant sucks." Arisa moaned.
Kureno was looking out on the laughing children when she said this, when he heard her he blinked as he usually did when he found himself in a situation with Arisa where he was unsure as to how he was going to get around the difficulty which the situation posed to him. He loved Arisa dearly but there were times when he wasn't entirely sure what was the right course of action to take since Arisa was such a hardened, strong-willed woman, she didn't need and yet she needed more than just a comforting hug. Kureno thought it would be a good idea for her to get out since she had become so restless at home and for her to spend time with the only other person in the family with a child. He knew Arisa was going to find it hard in some ways to adjust to the role of a mother but at the same time she already behaved like one herself, especially when it came to him sometimes. He thought it would be good for her to be around such a young child so that she could become accustomed to the fact that she was going to be a mother soon.
Rin turned to her and she bounced her daughter up and down in her lap and blinked. "Sorry?"
Arisa chewed on another chocolate bar (not feeling any more slimmer than before) and sank even further into the bench. She was probably going to break it in a minute since she weighed so much now.
"I hate being pregnant." She moaned.
Rin glanced down at her daughter and turned back to Arisa. "You do realise you're going through the easiest stage of motherhood."
She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to hear this.
Arisa threw back her head. "What? It gets worse?"
Rin nodded. "Oh yeah, you think this is hard you should wait until the baby gets out of there."
She made a sound which was somewhere between a moan and sobbing which just made Rin roll her eyes.
"Look it doesn't help that you're being a little bit over-dramatic here okay? What's the problem?" She demanded.
Arisa stopped behaving like a goaded animal and stared at her wordlessly for a moment. "Has anyone ever told you you were very to the point?"
Rin almost laughed. She actually prided herself for being very to the point unfortunately there were pregnant women out there who never really appreciated it...
Rin tilted her head. "And has anyone ever told you that you can be very avoident of it?" She retorted.
Arisa laughed. "Yeah...I mean at the very beginning and I know this sounds terrible but I actually didn't want this baby. When I found out I was so terrified I was never going to tell Kureno and hoped he wouldn't notice until he came home one day and I would there on the floor with a bloodied baby in my arms saying 'Oh hey you know the strangest thing happened to me today...' but you know...That-that never happens. I had to tell him and I didn't even know how to tell him how I really felt-"
"Arisa?"
She turned to Arisa looking as tired as she actually was. There were black rings under her eyes. Her hair was greasy. She had put on weight. She looked terrible. When women said that it was such a joy going through this was coming from very few women who actually finds it a breeze.
"You do realise that you are describing the experience of about every single woman that has ever been pregnant. Don't you?"
"I thought that most women got through it eas-"
"Nope. That's an old wives tale. Some women get through it some of them don't. Some pregnancies are easier than others some of them aren't."
Arisa threw herself back in the seat making her back ache even more than it had been but at least she was relieved that she knew it was in more cases women were like this rather than feeling that she had just gotten the worst luck when it came to pregnancy.
"Can you at least give me some reassurance that everything is going to be at least a little okay?"
Rin smiled. "Of course it is."
Arisa frowned. "'Of course it is'?"
Rin had just been the most blunt woman alive when it came to pregnancy. She was never much of a marshmallow and always as hard as a rock why had she suddenly gone soft now or just suddenly changed her mind about how uneasy motherhood was.
Rin shrugged her shoulders like it was nothing. "As hard as it is you actually find that its worth it. Even if you're finding it almost unbearable you find yourself not regretting the decision to have the child at all."
Arisa blinked. "That doesn't really help with the fact that I was having doubts about wanting to have the baby, Rin. It does not help how to get over it."
"Well its too late now and to be honest if you backed out then you would be hurting my cousins feelings which I really don't want so how about this for a solution: time."
Arisa frowned again. What was this mystical mumbo jumbo she was having thrown at her? If she wanted some guru to talk to her all she had to do was call Hana.
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"One of the best cures for something that is driving you mad and making you feel the way you look."
Arisa glanced down at herself and then back at Rin. She wasn't the type to judge other people in such a superficial way...
"What's wrong with the way I look?"
"You look terrible."
Arisa leaned back with a sarcastically surprised look on her face. She knew she didn't look fantastic (along with many other women in the late stages of pregnancy) but there was no need to shove it in her face.
"Anyway, that isn't the point here so don't you start moaning about that either. You are stuck in a situation now that you cannot get yourself out of and I am sorry but that is just the way things are at the moment for you. Time is a great healer even for the impatient."
"You sound like a radio host who only gets lonely housewives as their callers." Arisa replied.
If Rin was going to be feeding her this crap she was going to talk crap back. She always respected her for the fact that she wasn't sentimental. Now here she was being like a Sister in the Sisterhood of the travelling pants. She didn't know whether she could take any more of this. She just felt like going home and eating ice-cream (even though she wasn't allowed ice-cream).
"I am just trying to help."
Yeah, she could see that. She could really see that she was trying. And yet she was failing, miserably...
"Yeah I can see that."
On that note she decided to get up (as quickly as she could) and walk hope (as fast as she could) and find something which she could actually eat.
~ (***) ~
She was just going to tell him. How was she going to tell him though? It could go two ways with Haru. He could either take it really, really seriously or he could just treat the whole thing as if it was a joke. Or he could do a little bit of both. Either way, Rin wasn't entirely sure how she was going to deal with either of those reactions. Sometimes it was difficult enough to have to deal with Haru on a daily basis. That felt like having to look after a child without actually having to produce an actual child in order to know what that experience was like. She just had to go ahead with it, like ripping off a band-aid. It was just going to get even more worse with each day that she put it off. She wasn't going to hold anything back. She wasn't going to be afraid. That was the key to it. She had to be brave all the time and now she would have probably hoped that she wouldn't have to be now that the curse was no longer a part of their lives. She knew the moment she broke down or showed any fear was going to be his cue to panic. If the woman panicked the guy was going to panic. She was shaking all over not over telling him but the entire concept of it. She was pregnant. Rin strode into the room and knocked on the door. Haru looked up.
"Hey. You alright?"
"I'm pregnant."
She wasn't going to beat around the bush about it. She wasn't going to go over the pleasantries or anything. She was just going to give it to him and straight and she was going to leave it to him to be the one to either step up to it or run off like most men did. Instead he was quiet for a moment then strode over to her and picked her up. She had to admit she was a little confused but she was used to Haru's tendencies to be a little strange from time to time.
"Is this the part when I twirl you around with joy?"
"Please be serious."
"I am."
They decided to have a staring competition. To see who was the one who was going to laugh. Whether she was going to cry. Whether he was actually going to twirl her around and laugh with joy. If he did she was just going to slap him and he knew this. What she wanted to know was why he was still holding her up.
"Are you going to put me down? I don't know anything about pregnancy but I'm pretty sure that this is a fire hazard."
"I'm sure this is fine."
"I'll re-phrase that: Put me down."
"No." He smirked and kissed her on the cheek. "I'm just showing you how happy I am."
She rolled her eyes and stroked his hair. She supposed this was better than having him run in the opposite direction.
"Alright."
~ (***) ~
She gripped his hand. She didn't want him to go. She didn't want him to leave her now. She could fill them coming as she laid on that cold metal slab. She knew there was something of a thin mattress between her and the metal slab but she felt like Princess and the Pea where she was so sensitive and delicate right now that she could feel that coldness.
"I'm not going to leave you." He reassured her.
She nodded but she held his hand even tighter just to make sure. She wasn't sure whether she could trust him. She wasn't sure whether he would actually stay.
"Alright Arisa you need to push now."
She moaned. "I don't- I can't."
She felt someone brushed her hair out of her eyes. She stared up and all she saw was the spotlight which shone in her like the sun on her summer's day. She blinked and turned away and when he came closer she saw Kureno.
"Sweetheart. You have to push now. You have to-"
She screamed which cut him off. She felt like they were both ripping her apart. She had known for months that she was having twins which made her feel even more apprehensive about the fact that she was having children.
"IT'S SO DAMN PAINFUL!"
Kureno blinked at her. "Well..."
She stared at him if he was going to say something like 'Well what did you expect?' She was going to rip him from limb to limb as soon as she was out of here and she could walk around properly again.
"OHHHH MY GOD!"
"Very good Arisa. Keep going..."
She swore she was going to burn this hospital down after she was done delivering these damn children...
~ (***) ~
Rin stared down at her pregnant stomach and wondered how it was possible for there to be something growing inside there. She held Haru's hand and stroked her swollen belly with the hand she had left. Haru saw her stroking her belly and must have thought to join in since the next second she heard him saying:
"Hello daughter."
They had known for a while that they were going to have a girl. They both reckoned in the technological age they were living they should be able to know what they were going to have ahead of time so they had the time to chose a name.
"Haru..." He looked at her and blinked. "You're being weird again..."
"I thought we were saying hi."
~ (***) ~
She couldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it. She fell unconscious after she had finished delivering the twins. She seemed to have been out of it for a while but when she woke up she thought everything was going to be okay. She thought that she was going just going to rest for a few days and then she and Kureno would struggle to get through parenthood but they were going to struggle together and eventually they would both find their groove together. She didn't how they were going to do this but they were going to find a way even if it was going to kill them.
"Miss? There is something I need to tell you...Both the children were born prematurely...The boy is doing better than the girl but...It's really hard to tell but...best to prepare for the worst..."
She sank back into her pillow and covered her eyes. She knew this was her fault. If she hadn't been so secretly reluctant about being a mother then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe she had sucked out all the life of her daughter because of that. There had to be a reason why she hadn't been able to pull through. This was her fault and now she was going to pay for it. Slowly it was going to tear them both apart and she would always know it was her fault. She wished she could go back to sleep and wake up again to find everything was going to be fine. She hoped, for once, that life could be like a fairy-tale where things could end happily ever after. She never allowed herself to believe this delusion because that was the best way to end up being disappointed. She wished that she had never wished not to have the children. She wished that she had never chosen to be so selfish. She knew what this was going to do to Kureno. Sometimes he could just let things go from what he had told her about Akito but she could never be like that. Both of them had given up being like that and she wasn't going to let herself hurt him again. Only it was too late to take all of that back now. She had done the deed. Now it was just up to fate to be merciful.
"Please, please, please."
~ (***) ~
She leaned back in the hospital bed and reached out for her baby. The nurse carefully placed her in her arms and left her and Izumi together. She liked being alone with her. It made her feel like they were the only people alone in the world. She couldn't understand nor did she would to understand why she loved her so much. Maybe because she was a part of her and a part of Haru. Out of all the things which had happened in her life she was so happy for Haru. She thanked however it was responsible for him loving her.
"Hey."
She looked and saw him leaning on the door. She didn't know how long he had been there but she was pretty sure that it was for a while. He had a tendency to stand and stare at her. One time he had done it when she was pregnant and almost fell over. She had panicked and shouted at him so much because she thought he had hurt the baby. He just stood there as he usually did waiting for her to calm down.
~ (***) ~
She had never cried so much. She couldn't remember the last time she cried. She was crying for a reason that she didn't know but at the same time she knew exactly why she was crying. She almost thought that she lost them. She had been told that it was often for twins to come early but everyone, even the doctors were afraid of her actually losing them.
"Hey." Said a soft, familiar voice.
She moved her arm aside and saw Kureno standing over her and leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead.
"Are you alright?"
She nodded wordlessly and hurriedly. "Yeah..." She chocked. "I'm fine. Are they fine? Are they okay?"
The smile said that they were and she rubbed her eyes until they were a raw red and tried sitting up when he shook her head and sat down next to her.
"You need to rest."
She scoffed. "Course I don't. I need to hold them. Make sure that they're okay."
"Sweetheart, the doctor told us they are going to be fine. It was a miracle that somehow overnight that she found a way to recover and that's all that matters."
He told hold of her hand tightly and stared intently in her eyes. He was right. That was all that mattered. For a moment she thought she deserved it. She was being punished for her doubts at the beginning but she knew now it was because she wanted them more than anything she ever wanted. When she looked down at her little boy and her little girl she saw that emptiness filled. She saw her and Kureno laying down next to one another like the endless nights they spent together. She found something to cry for. She found to face those fears for. She found something to make the effort for.
~ (***) ~
Everyone fell in love with the first child of the next generation of Sohma. Even Akito held little Izumi Sohma and stared down at her as if she was her own. She even blessed the child to have a good and happy life. Rin could still feel a little resentment towards Akito but in that moment she was beginning to feel it slipping away, slowly. When Akito handed the child back to her she saw the expression on her face and stepped forward and whispered something in her ear.
"Too many children have died with sadness, love this child as much as you can."
Haru later came to her and asked what she whispered in her ear. "She told me she was beautiful." She lied.
She didn't know why but she felt like it was something which should remain between the two of them. Rin couldn't quite explain it but she had this feeling of it being like an apology to her. Or it was like she was mending the fractures in between cousin and cousin through her own child. She stared down at her sometimes when it was just her and the baby at the hospital and when they were back at home. She would just watch her and wonder what it was. What was it that was taking all this time?
"Such a lovely child." Her mother commented. Her parents finally came to see their grandchild weeks after she was born.
"Yes, very pretty." Her father agreed
Haru wasn't any happier about them being here as Rin was but they knew they couldn't deny them this one visit they were probably going to make. Haru was on the other side of the room sometimes when they were there or if not he was holding his child close to his chest as if they were there to take her away.
"Thank goodness they've left." He muttered when they walked out the door.
"They come to see their Granddaughter but they never even came to the hospital when I was pushed out a window." She commented.
Haru glanced over his shoulder. "Don't worry they probably won't be back."
He was right, they never darkened their door ever again. Yet what she couldn't understand is why they came for Izumi but never for her. Jealousy slowly crept up on her and questioned why? What made her so perfect? Why was she more worthy than she was on everyone's love?
"Is there something wrong?" Kazuma once asked.
"No." She snapped.
"Rin something seems to be the matter." Hana observed.
"I'm fine." She replied tiredly.
She and Haru had moved in with Kazuma (and Hana) although they were both aware that they both needed to find a place of their own eventually. She was tired having so many people around asking her this question but she was glad she could feign tiredness with a good reason.
"Kazuma said you've been acting strange lately." Haru said one evening. "Is everything alright?"
Rin nodded. "Yes. I'm fine I've just-" She was going to say it was Izumi crying in the night but she was always quiet. She was a good child. "It's nothing. A headache."
"Perhaps we could go see Hatori about it when we go for Izumi's check-up."
He didn't forget either. When Hatori was done with Izumi Haru mentioned that Rin was having headaches when she had hoped that he would have forgotten about it and Hatori set straight off to work asking her a million questions at once which was actually giving her a headache.
"Rin?" He asked when Haru decided to leave the room and go out into the gardens with Izumi. "How are things at home? With Izumi. Are you adjusting well?"
"It's coming along." She replied reluctantly.
He smiled. "I see. Are you finding yourself a little low? Resentful?"
She narrowed her eyes. "What are you getting at?"
In the end he suggested that she may have some post-depressive disorder some women get after birth which she found a little distasteful. She was just getting used to it.
"Please see me in a few weeks." He said before she left the room.
"Why?" She demanded.
"I want to keep track of your progress."
She grimaced having no intention of coming back for that purpose but Hatori knew her nature and instead of waiting for her to come to him he came to her.
"Hello." He greeted.
"What are you doing here?" She demanded.
"I came for a check-up on you."
She sighed knowing she had to let him in and moved out the way. The conversation began with the usual ten questions every second.
"I'm fine." She snapped eventually.
He smiled. "That doesn't seem to be what everyone else thinks." He remarked.
"So you're going by what everyone else says rather than the actual patient." She sneered.
"Rin, you're never the type to admit to needing help."
She narrowed her eyes at him and asked when this session was going to end. He finally finished saying he would back in a couple of weeks.
"How's Hatori?" Haru called.
She narrowed her eyes at the stairs. It was like he was waiting for him to be gone. "We didn't talk about him much."
"What did he say?"
"Sleep more."
Haru loved being a father. He was the one who carried her home and even in the car (Hatori was driving) and he was the one who always offered to put her to bed. At first she thought that he was just hogging her. Along the way she thought that he was more concerned about her. She thought for a moment that he had come to love his daughter more than he loved Rin. Like she was a little replacement for her because she was so damaged.
"Rin do you want to hold her?" He asked when he was preparing her milk.
She took her and stared down at the little girl and tilted her head. She was trying to figure out what was so wonderful about this little being. What was it about her which made her better than herself? She stared down at her as she scrutinized and tried to figure it out. She held her for what seemed like so long she forgot Haru was there. She was so tiny. So precious. Perfect.
"She's a little heart-breaker isn't she?"
She looked up and saw Haru holding the bottle with a mischievous smile on his face. "You're very sneaky you know that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know about sneaky."
"Oh you're real sneaky." She assured him.
He smiled and took his little girl again and began to feed her. She remembered when her parents discarded her like trash when she made a point of how happy they were. She didn't want to resent her child for making an effort to make her feel happy and loved. She didn't want her to feel rejected one moment and loved in the previous. She wanted that love to be constant.
"We're going to love her aren't we? We're never going to stop loving her are we?"
He stared back at her for a while. He held his daughter close to him and saw she was still feeding from the bottle but she was blinking at her. She was looking at her. She was looking at her in a way as if to say: that is my mother. Mama.
He cupped her chin in the palm of his hand. "Of course not. We're never going to do that to her."
She stepped forward and offered her daughter her finger to clutch. "Izumi."