Author's Note: Hey guys! So I watched the scene in 13x12 where Rowena finds out Fergus is dead, and it totally broke my heart. So I had to write this little fic. I hope it gives you guys some closure like it did me. The song I wrote is based on "Remember Me" from the movie Coco.
Rowena walked through the unsteady gravel as she blinded her eyes from the summer sun. There were rolling green hills all around her, but here, in this hallowed place, she felt only darkness and a deep, cloying sadness that was as unshakable as it was unimaginable.
"Fergus is dead?" The sentence was a breathy whisper, full of unbelief.
"Yeah," Sam said, solemnly.
"Killed himself to save us." Added Dean.
Rowena couldn't stop her voice from shaking. "That doesn't sound like him at all."
"Well, Fergus- I mean, Crowley- he changed a lot," Sam explained. "He came through in the end. I think you would've been proud of him."
"Is that so?" She asked, anger exploding within her. "Fergus was my only child, and I promise you I would rather have a living son even when it hated me than dead hero!" She spat. The room was tilting and spinning around her fast, and it took all her strength to stop herself from crying as reality sunk in.
Her baby boy was dead. And there was nothing she could do to save him.
After that singular, horrible moment in the bunker, she had boarded a plane to Scotland and was now standing at the site of her son's grave.
She knew his bones were no longer buried there, thanks to the Winchesters, but it seemed right to go there and see him. It was the only thing she could do to see him now that she would never see him alive again. The thought hit her hard, and she swallowed, fighting the lump in her throat.
She cleared her throat, and began to talk.
"Hello, Fergus. It's been a long time since I've been here. I visited you here once before, a long time ago, when I heard that you had passed away as a mortal." She stopped, and realized she was trembling all over. She braced herself, telling herself that her son would want her to be strong, and continued on. "I didn't think I would lose you this way, Fergus. After you found me in Hell I thought I would never lose you again. But now we're here. And all I can think is that you shouldn't be the one in the ground. I may have hated you, Fergus, but you were my child. And no mother should ever have to bury their child, no matter what's happened between them."
"There are so many things I wanted to say to you, but I didn't know how to say them. It was my pride, my simple, foolish pride, that stopped me from saying them. When you were born I had no idea how to raise a child. I was a career woman with ambitions who wasn't ready to settle down and have children. You were… Unexpected. And I didn't like what I couldn't see coming. After everything that happened with your father I just couldn't love you like I should have been able to. But that doesn't mean that I didn't in my own way. I loved you, Fergus. Very much. And I'm sorry I couldn't show it to you while you were alive."
She felt tears streaming down her face, but kept going.
"I wrote a song for you. Remember how you once said I never sang you lullabies? That I dosed you with whiskey until you passed out instead? Well I wrote you your own. I hope you can hear me from wherever you are."
Then, she took a deep breath in, and began to sing.
"Remember me
And know that I am where you are,
Remember me
And know that I'm not that far.
For even when you close your eyes and go to sleep,
I'm right there beside you and I tell you not to weep.
Your memory is inside my heart and I will carry you with me
For all the days I live and beyond eternity.
For at the end of the day I will always remember you,
And though we are apart I hope you know that I love you.
Remember me
And listen to my plea,
Remember me
And perhaps someday we'll see
That we are not as far away as we once thought we'd be
So until I see you again
Remember me."
The last note of the song quavered in the air for a moment, before fading into the silence of the graveyard. A raven crowed from a nearby grave, and in that moment Rowena felt as alone as she had ever felt in her life. Fergus was gone, and now it was up to her to brave the world by herself again. Of course it had been easier the first time. Back then she had had the most idiotic idea that she could take the world on by storm alone. But now she realized that when Fergus had been by her side, it had been better. The thought made a horrible image pop up in her head: Fergus standing beside her one minute, and then fading away to nothing.
The image broke her, and she fell to her knees, sobbing quietly as her long awaited breakdown washed over her like surf. Her emotions, kept contained and suppressed for so long, spilled over in an uncharacteristic burst of feeling. She knelt there, one hand holding the crumbling rock that was her son's headstone, the other draped languidly in her lap. She brayed huge horse sobs and shrieked as loud as she could, knowing that no one would hear her, much less care about her. Fergus was the only one who had truly loved her from the start, her sweet, wee barra, and she had turned her back on him. She was a monster.
Time passed, and eventually she cried herself out to the point of only breathing raggedly. When she finally pulled herself together completely, she knew there were going to be permanent dirt stains on her dress. She looked up at the sky, wondering what she would do with herself now. There was only one thing she really could do now, and that was to make her son proud of her. She picked herself up off of the ground and stood shakily on her feet.
"I'll make you proud, Fergus. I promise."
With that, she kissed his headstone, and headed back to her hotel.