*I will not make the same mistakes that you did.I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery. I will not break the way you did; you fell so hard. I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far.*
Olivia saw her face on the screen. A snapshot of her past, a past that she would give anything to forget. As her horrified colleagues watched, she grabbed her keys and phone before darting out of the precinct. "I'll go after her," Nick Amaro offered, but Cragen stopped him. "No, I will," he said, grabbing his coat and keys.
*Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid.*
She curled up on her couch and sobbed her heart out. Images of her past, a past filled with horrific sexual abuse, flashed through her mind. She felt a hand fall on her shoulder and instantly flinched, punching the person who touched her shoulder. "Olivia, calm down. It's me Cragen. I am not going to hurt you," he said to his scared detective.
"I was four years old when my mother and her then husband took their turns with me. He raped me, and she beat me while he ejaculated all over me. She grabbed her camera and started to take pictures."
He wrapped his arms around the sobbing and shaking Olivia Benson and slid down on the couch. He rocked the heartbroken detective back and forth, murmuring soft and gentle reassurances.
*I lose my way, and it's not too long before you point it out. I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.*
"Kiddo, I should've told you something a long time ago. Something... When you were four years old, I was one of the cops that responded. I tried so hard. Every few years, I'd try to find evidence, but I couldn't."
"Captain, it hurt so bad. I can't do this," Olivia managed to say in between sobs. "I love you sweetheart, and you can do this. I love you like you're the daughter I never had."
"You lost me at the first sentence," Olivia said in reply before shifting so she wasn't in his embrace. He reluctantly released her.
"I love you. You are like a daughter to me." She launched herself back into his embrace and said, " I love you too Daddy. "
*Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid.*
"Welcome back Olivia," Nick Amaro said to his partner. She timidly smiled in reply before going to Cragen's office. "We're going to catch them. I promise. Get back to work honey. We'll talk later," he replied before hugging her and ushering her out.
"We got a break. We know where they are. Go to Cragen's office and hunker down," Nick told his partner, who was reading through cold case files. "Thanks Nick," she replied with a timid smile before she grabbed her phone, charger, and cold case files. She stood and walked back to his office. When she got inside, he wasn't there, so she sat in the recliner and pulled the blanket around her. She plugged earbuds in her phone and listened to the Medical Examiner's audio recording regarding the autopsy of a cold case rape and homicide victim named Harper Jayne Danso.
She pulled her earbuds out and took some notes. "Hey sweetie, how are you feeling? Nick told me everything," Captain Cragen said walking in. "Yea, I'm not gonna lie and say I am okay. I am trying. It... it's just too hard," she replied, looking up from her notepad.
"Do you wanna observe the interrogation from the one way mirror," he asked. When she replied yes, he took her hand and led her out to the one way mirror in front of interrogation room one.
*I watched you die. I heard you cry every night in your sleep.
I was so young,you should have known better than to lean on me.
You never thought of anyone else. You just saw your pain,and now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.*
Donald Cragen had his hand on the small of Olivia's back as they stood in front of the one way mirror. In the interrogation room, Amanda and Nick sat with Olivia's mother.
"That tramp deserved every minute of it," Serena said, her voice ice cold and an evil gleam in her eyes. "I need to go in and find out for myself," Olivia whispered to her boss.
"Where's that cunt," Serena ranted. "Are you sure you want to go in," Captain Cragen asked. She replied yes and laid her head on his shoulder for a second. She lifted her head and and opened the door, Donald Cragen following close behind.
"I am right here, and I sure as hell am not a cunt. What I want to know is why. Why would y'all hurt me like that? I was four fucking years old," Olivia screeched.
"Well, I see the whore has become a huge sissy and developed quite a mouth."
"I'm done here. Come on Dad. I wanna go home," Olivia exclaimed. Donald Cragen patted her knee before they rose and walked out.
*Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything.
Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. Because of you, I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty. Because of you, I am afraid.*
Donald Cragen woke with a start when he heard screaming. He rushed to Olivia's room and quickly sat down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her, and she instantly settled. He got up, holding her close, and went out to the living room. He set about making two cups of hot chocolate. "Daddy, do I smell hot chocolate," Olivia replied after awakening and cuddling closer
"Yes you do honey. Do ya wanna talk sweetie," he replied, kissing her forehead. She shook her head no.
~Three Years Later~
Olivia walked hand in hand with her stepdaughter, Zarah, toward Nick and Maria Amaro's caskets. She would miss her husband and her best friend Maria. Despite the divorce and Olivia's subsequent marriage to Nick, the three remained good friends.
"Mommy, Daddy, I'm gonna miss you two. Have fun in heaven," Sarah said to her dead parents. Olivia put her hand that Zarah released on her heavily pregnant belly. "I love you Nick. I always will. Nick and Maria, I promise that I will take good care of Zarah and little Kinsleigh Mae."
Lieutenant Olivia Amaro made the sign of the cross before walking over to where her father, stepdaughter, and squad were sitting. They called Nick's and Maria's pallbearers to the front, and with a heavy heart, Olivia, Amanda Rollins, Zarah Amaro, and Donald Cragen walked up front. Zarah walked with Amanda Rollins up to one of her mom's fellow soldiers and laid her tiny hand on the casket that held her mother. Olivia and Donald Cragen walked up to Nick's casket.
When they lowered the caskets into the ground, two soldiers walked up. One to Olivia and one to Zarah. Olivia looked on with her cap in her hands. The soldiers held the flags out, and with somber looks on their faces, Olivia and Maria accepted the proffered flags and saluted the soldiers in front of them.
* Because of you. Because of you...*