It's late afternoon, the summer of 2013, I'm fourteen years old and going into high school. People look at me from the outside, and they think my life is pretty good. They think that I'm just a regular fourteen year old girl with a smile on her face. That's what they all thought at least. Just because I'm smiling and laughing I must be happy, right? Wrong. This is the truth, about what it's really like to be me.
I used to be that typical girl, the one who made friends so easily, who always laughed and smiled. I was the girl who played outside in the sun every day, despite the sunburn it resulted in. I used to be the girl who loved to spend time with her family and her friends all the time. I used to be her. Then all of that went away, and I became the freak who I am today.
When I was a little kid I used to be afraid of the dark, because I thought that there were monsters hiding, just waiting for the lights to go off. I thought that when night came, and when the sun went down the monsters would come and get me. But, I'm not scared of the dark anymore. I no longer worry about monsters coming to get me while I sleep. Not anymore at least. Now I know that there are no monsters hiding in my closet or under my bed, simply because most of them exist only in my head. We all have monsters inside of us, it's just not all of our monsters choose to come out. When I was twelve years old, one of my monsters did.
It was November of 2011, I was in seventh grade, and just as any typical twelve year old girl I had a crush, a few actually. I had been trying to get over him, the boy with the hazel eyes. I had sworn I loved him, which maybe I did. I'm not so sure about my feelings for that boy, but what I am sure of is that he didn't feel the same way as I. He was all I could think about for two years; I had my eyes on him since the day I met him. Then one day, the sort of friendship we had he just pushed away, and I lost him.
I continued on that year, my feelings for the boy with the hazel eyes faded ever so slightly as I fell for someone new; the boy with the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, to this day. With him it hadn't been 'love at first sight', in fact it had been the exact opposite. We didn't like each other at all, I was rude and snobby to him every time he tried to talk with me, something I greatly regretted. I had practically hated him up until about November of 2011, when everything changed. We were being seated in class, and I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I had known-or maybe just hoped- that we would be sat beside each other, in which we were. I started to really like him, but the feeling was anything but mutual, he was giving back the attitude that I put out to him for years. I hated it.
This is where my story really started; it was February of 2012 and I thought I loved them, the two boys with those beautiful eyes, but they didn't care about me. No one cared about me. I was alone, I felt worthless; I turned to the only thing I could think of; hurting myself. A few years back I had become familiar with self-mutilation, but never thought of doing it myself. Not until that night. It was just another typical night, lately I had been staying up until two o' clock in the morning every day, trying to make myself look nice for the boy with the blue eyes; the one that never noticed me anyways. He didn't care about me, or notice me; he had his heart set on someone else, someone who wasn't me. And it killed me inside…