Inevitable disclaimer: I do not own the setting, characters, or situations described in The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, or Mockingjay. More is the pity.
It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
-Frederick Douglass
Chapter 1
The sound of her own screams woke Katniss. She bolted upright her eyes flying open. As always when she woke from her nightmares it took her a few moments to place herself in the correct location. The surface on which she rested was soft and warm, instead of hard and rough. She was surrounded by walls that had been painted a pleasant shade of pale yellow, not in the freezing open air. A ceiling rather than a canopy of leaves obscured her view of the night sky above. Katniss took air in gasps, her skin was covered in cold sweat, and goose pimples stood out on every inch of exposed skin. As the two versions of her reality did battle in Katniss' still sleep addled mind she began to sob.
A figure to her left stirred, "-at's wrong?" Gale's voice was muffled by the pillow into which his face was buried.
The answer came from Katniss' right, "Nightmare, go back to sleep."
The sound of Peeta's clear confident tone was like a life preserver thrown to Katniss, still adrift in a sea of panic and uncertainty. It began to pull her toward believing in the reality of walls, ceilings, and beds and to pull her away from the nightmare world where she was strapped to a tree, freezing, fifty feet in the air while human faced wolves were scrambling up the trunk to devour her.
"Your province," was Gale's reply as he turned back into his pillow. Gale had to be up early to go to work in the coal mines of District 12, besides he couldn't do anything to help anyway. Gale had experienced the horror of Katniss' time in the Hunger Games last year, but his horror was the impotent agony of watching every second of the televised event, but because he hadn't been present in the arena his presence was not one that could call her back from the memories of that time that haunted her dreams. The only one able to sooth her was Peeta. At first Gale had experienced a terrible amount of insecurity that his comfort was ineffective, but it had finally sunk in that it was not a sign that Katniss' affection for him was lacking. Just now he was pleased that there was someone else there to help Katniss in her distress, he was exhausted.
As Gale slipped back into a peaceful sleep Peeta enfolded Katniss in his arms pulling her head down to his chest. He didn't say anything, his presence, his smell, the feel of his skin against hers, the steady echo of his heartbeat in her ears, this is what she needed. Moments later Katniss felt herself firmly in the waking world where she was safe from the visions that crowded her mind while she slept. If Peeta was here now, and there were walls, ceilings, and beds then, Katniss knew, the Hunger Games were over, no one was actively trying to kill her, she was safe in her home in District 12. Despite knowing this to be true nearly every night, in her dreams she returned to the arena, to hunger, and thirst, fear, and grief. She dreamed of flames licking at her legs, of explosions blotting out all sounds from the world, of swords biting into beloved flesh, of little Rue, the girl from District 11, as the spear pierced her stomach, of the look on the spear thrower's face as Katniss' answering arrow drove through his throat, of her little sister Prim dying a thousand deaths in the arena with her, Katniss, unable to prevent it, and on rare nights the tumble of a million tons of rock as they crushed her father when the mine had collapsed on him.
Katniss drifted off into sleep again, her head resting on Peeta's chest, and arm thrown over his body, holding him tightly. Peeta wound a few stands of her dark hair around his fingers and smiling, he gently kissed it before brushing back the hair that had fallen over her face. He had expected this night to be a bad one. Tomorrow he and Katniss would start their Victory Tour which would pull them from the nominal safety of District 12 and, over the course of a month, drag them through the other Districts, in which lived the families of some of the children they had killed, and end with their return to the Capitol. The Capitol was the one place in the world that he and Katniss most wanted to avoid, because while there were no more District Tributes trying to kill them, President Snow, and the rest of the government of the Capitol most certainly were still bent on their destruction . Peeta still shuddered at the memory of the hushed conversation he and Katniss had with their mentor Haymitch on the train while they headed back from the Games.
"Don't be dense girl; you aren't stupid so stop acting like it!" Haymitch's voice was harsh and intense, completely free of the alcohol induced slur that usually muddled his speech.
"I can't believe that they would care so much that a sixteen year old girl wouldn't want to kill her boyfriend," Katniss had answered, attempting to sound dismissive of their danger.
Peeta remembered how the Game Master had declared a change to the rules of the Game. Always there had been permitted only one winner, one survivor, but because of the popularity of the "star-crossed lovers from District 12", he and Katniss, they had announced that two victors would be permitted as long as they were from the same District. Peeta had been desperately wounded at the time the rule change had been announced, but Katniss had found him, had nursed him back to health, and in the end they had been the last two left alive. It was then that the Game Master had tried to rescind the rule change and force them to duel it out. Peeta had been more than willing to allow her to kill him, he had been willing to take his own life rather than making her endure killing him, but she had come up with a different plan. Katniss had pulled several berries, the deep purple of a fresh bruise, from her pocket. Nightlock, instant death in a convenient bite sized form. She had divvied up the berries between them and after kissing Peeta for what was to be the last time she looked out at the unseen millions watching said, "I am sorry Prim," and then they had both raised the berries to their lips when the Game Master had called for them to stop and declared them both Victors.
"I take it back, you are stupid! The only things that the Capitol cares about are loyalty and obedience. Obedience is the ultimate proof of loyalty to the Capitol, and here you are on national television showing greater loyalty to Peeta by refusing to kill him than to the Capitol by obeying their orders, and because of Seneca you got away with it!"
"It wasn't defiance, I just couldn't kill him."
"It was defiance, don't lie to me or to yourself, it will get you killed. You have no idea the kind of impact that a successful resistance of the Capitol, however small, could have on the rest of the country. Damn it Katniss people will see your actions and believe that the Capitol can be defied with impunity."
Katniss had allowed a small proud smile to lighten on her face. After enduring the hospitality of the Capitol and being subjected to the horror of the Hunger Games she was of the opinion that the Capitol was evil, intensely, unapologetically, unconditionally evil. For the first time she understood why Gale raged against the Capitol from the safety of her company in the seclusion of the forest. For years Katniss had let him rant, privately considering his outbursts to be a waste of time, and energy. After all nothing could be done, the Capitol held the ultimate power over the Districts; they had the power to destroy them. No amount of passionate outbursts could change the fact that the only two certainties in life were death and the Hunger Games. Now, while she could not conceive of how it could be accomplished, she understood that the Capitol needed to be stopped.
Her smile faded instantly when she looked at Haymitch, who looked like he might slap her.
"Katniss," he groaned, "the Capitol cannot be defied with impunity!"
"We did a pretty good job, we're still alive," now she was feeling defiant, but after a moment's reflection she looked at Haymitch, "why are we still alive?"
"Now she starts waking up," Haymitch rolled his eyes, "you are alive because the Capitol has always portrayed the victors of the Hunger Games as heroes. Your star-crossed lovers act made the people of the Capitol love you and Peeta, but their attention is fickle and all too often fleeting."
"So we are safe as long as we remain in the public eye?"
"Depends on what you mean by safe. You are unlikely to be executed in a public square, but will you still consider yourself safe when Prim's name comes out of the Reaping bowl again next year, or when Gale, your beloved cousin, is arrested and executed for poaching?"
The possibilities were endless, and Katniss realized, none of these things would be felt by the people of the Capitol at all. Gale was not her cousin, but in order to sell the she and Peeta angle, it was necessary to cast Gale in the light of a close friend and family member. Like most people from the Seam they shared certain physical characteristics, the dark hair, the gray eyes, and the sallow skin, so it was not a hard sell. Peeta, like Haymitch, her mother, and Prim all had light hair, blue eyes, and fair skin, they were classic Townies, but Gale was too male, too good looking, and had too often been seen in her presence to be dismissed so a story had to be concocted and close family relation had been the best way to assuage the inevitable suspicion of romantic entanglement.
"How long can we possibly hope to maintain their fleeting favor?" Peeta had asked.
"A year, two at most. If you play your cards right," Haymitch looked at Peeta, "and don't do anything stupid," he looked at Katniss, "this year we have the Victory Tour, make that memorable, then next year the two of you will act as mentors to the new Tributes, people will want to see how you divide the work, and will you compete or cooperate in training the Tributes."
"Two years?"
"At most."
"Is there nothing I can do?"
"Well," said Haymitch brightening slightly in tone and manner, "you could die, that would be convenient, but it wouldn't help you much."
"Nor me." Said Peeta, his eyes fixed on Katniss.
That was how they left it, no resolution, just a very sharp sword hanging over them all by a very thin thread. They had arrived back in District 12 tired, worried, and yet elated. All of the danger was still in front of them but they could not really feel it yet, they had survived the most harrowing ordeal of their lives to date and this imparted a sense of invincibility. Katniss had stepped from the train her eyes scanning the crowd for Prim, and Gale. She was not even conscious of Peeta's hand holding hers, but as her eyes fell on Gale she could see that he was conscious of it, and the anger and pain reflected in his eyes took her breath away. Reflexively she had released Peeta's hand and as she did so she could feel his distress as he watched her looking at Gale.
What had followed was a long awkward month where everyone tried to figure out how the dynamic had changed and what would become of it. Katniss thought about Gale and Peeta. Gale was the only one she had ever trusted, he was breath in a stifling world, he was passion where everywhere there was indifference, and he tethered her to the earth. He was also reckless and fierce, and though she hadn't known how she loved him before she left for the Games, she knew it now. Peeta was a rock, solid where Gale was constant motion, he steadied her, and there was an infinite kindness and gentleness in him that she had never known was possible in a person She spent many a restless night wanting to run to them and explain that she was in love with both of them and that she could not fall out of love with either, but she knew they needed time to sort their minds as well. With the little time they had left she thought of what it would be to choose one of them. Only two fates were possible, either she would avoid and evade the one not chosen, and the one chosen would know why, or she would commit the betrayal of meeting the eyes of the one not chosen and the one chosen would have to endure the sight of her love and longing for the other. Either way it would be a farce and a cheat, and while Katniss would experience the joy of having the one chosen she would still have to endure the absence of the other. It was a problem without a solution to her, so she waited and attempted to adjust to her new life as a rich Townie rather than a starving Seamster.
One night just about a month after her return she was sitting at the dinner table in her new house with her mother and Prim. Her mother had expressed the opinion that Katniss was too young to date at all to the cameras before she had even made it back to the District, Katniss could only imagine that her mother approved of how things had fallen out so far. They were playing checkers and Katniss had just kinged one of Prim's pieces when a knock sounded at the door.
Katniss rose and opened the door. Gale and Peeta were outside. Katniss said no word of greeting but waited for one of them to speak. Gale took the initiative.
"Choose." He said, his tone said more. This situation was humiliating, and both of them had too much pride to go forever shuffling about fighting over a girl, even a girl that they both loved so much.
"How do you choose between the two halves the beat of your heart?" She had asked.
It made a strange kind of sense, the three of them had lived with little joy in their lives, both Peeta and Gale were desperately in love with Katniss and she in love with them. There was a finite span to their lives, two years at most if Haymitch was to be believed why any of them should suffer as they would if she chose between them was beyond Katniss' ability to understand. Peeta, willing to have Katniss on any terms, agreed immediately, Gale took a little longer to come to terms with the situation, but he had come around.
Katniss' mother had been scandalized. She had after all just told the entire country that her daughter was too young to be in any sort of relationship.
"Mother, I have been sole provider for this family since the age of 11, I have been through the Hunger Games where I watched loved ones die, I have killed, I have made life and death decisions for myself and others and borne responsibility for the outcome of those choices. If that does not make me an adult no arbitrary amount of time passing will accomplish the task," was Katniss' reply.
Her mother could not accept it, and moved out of the house in Victors circle, though not back to the hovel in the Seam, she moved into the house that had been given to Peeta. Prim moved with her because their mother was teaching Prim healing, though Prim was adamant that this was the only reason that she was moving.
The biggest change in District 12 since Katniss had departed for the Games was in her little sister. Prim always smiles and gentleness was still in evidence, but she had grown older and stronger. She and Katniss now wandered the forest together, Prim gathering plants, Katniss hunting. Prim could never have brought herself to kill anything, but she no longer feared the wildness of the forest. Prim had always been like a daughter to Katniss rather than a sister, but now Prim needed no mothering. It was strange for Katniss to think of Prim as anything other than a small child. She realized that her mother must feel the same about her, but after a time she found that she liked the new Prim. This she thought was the goal of all her patient parenting, to see Prim grow into the person that she was becoming.
Gale's alarm sounded just before dawn, both he and Katniss rose and while Gale readied himself for the mines Katniss went downstairs to make breakfast. Katniss had objected to Gale returning to the mines after her return. She and Peeta could care for his whole family without even noticing the extra expense, but Gale had insisted. She understood Seam Pride, and knew that Gale would never feel right if he did not contribute to the household. He would feel a guest in her and Peeta's home, and the whole dynamic would fall apart. So he worked and Katniss worried, as she cracked eggs into a pan, she tried to block images of mine collapses out of her mind.
She came out of her unhappy musings when she heard the stomp of Gale's work boots on the tiled kitchen floor. She turned to see Gale's gray eyes go wide.
"Are you thinking that I am going to have to live off of breakfast for a month?"
She laughed realizing that while distracted by unpleasant musings she had gone completely overboard with breakfast, tin biscuits with butter and gravy, blackberries with heavy cream and sugar, eggs, fried squirrel, and to top it off, the ultimate luxury, coffee.
"I have had your cooking, if it weren't for Hazel you'd have starved years ago."
Gale took a seat and began ladling food onto his plate, Katniss poured coffee and they sat in contented silence for a little while. They had spent so much time sitting silently together in the forest waiting for game that they were completely comfortable in each other's quiet company. It was, unusually, Gale who spoke first.
"Catnip, please be careful on this trip, it is so dangerous for the both of you."
"I promise to behave."
"Katniss I am not worried about you doing something intentionally to piss the Capitol off, but you have the unfortunate habit of being unintentionally provocative when you go off script."
"Noted, I intend to make Peeta do the bulk of the talking."
Gale nodded; taking a sip of his coffee, when he set the cup down Katniss took his hand and kissed it.
"Gale you don't need to worry, I will be surrounded by the Preps, Cinna, Peeta, Haymitch, and if all of them are not enough I heard that Effie will be coming along, and you know how she insists on manners."
When Gale kissed her she knew that he still fretted for her safety. She loved the fierce passion in Gale's nature, it made the moments of quiet tenderness that much more meaningful. When he left for work she cleaned up breakfast, and then decided to run their snare line before waking Peeta. Katniss dashed out the kitchen door and headed into town. Victor's Circle was located in a clearing on a small rise off the main thoroughfare. As Katniss jogged along the familiar path she passed the Square where the Reaping was held every year. The Square was encircled by the small market district of District 12. Katniss thought for a moment as she saw signs up in windows listing the staples that were currently unavailable for purchase. It was ironic that for the first time in her life Katniss had enough money to shop in these stores but there was so little to buy, in fact for the first time she was sure that those who shopped illegally at the Hob now ate better than the much wealthier and law abiding Townies. She kept going her pace not slacking as she made her way toward the house that was still technically assigned to her mother and sister in the Seam. Since returning from the Games Katniss had found that running relieved some of the anxiety that had become a constant feature of her emotional background, it was not so bad during the day, she was better able to cope with her experience in the arena when she was awake and had to go through the motions required for living, it was only at night, when she slept that she was overwhelmed. Peeta was the opposite, he slept soundly despite the nightmares, and it was when he was awake and dwelling on what had happened that he collapsed. It was fortunate that they never seemed to need support at the same time. This thought lead to another as Katniss reflected that it was nearly impossible to be brave at all times, she wondered when Gale was not brave, then she realized the answer and it nearly broke her heart.
The Seam was larger than town, but it still took only twenty minutes of steady pacing to reach her old house. It had never been much, but it had been home. Now she used it to store her hunting clothes and to clean and preserve game. Even though the Capitol had as yet managed to make all of the monthly package deliveries on time there was still a terrible shortage of food in the District which kept her and Gale busy in the forest in order to keep their rather long list of dependents well fed. She changed into her well-worn leather boots and father's jacket. She of course did not keep her hunting bow in the cabin, caution was too deeply wedded to her being and possession of a weapon in the Seam was a hanging offense, Victor or not.
All Victors were expected to take up some kind of craft or develop some kind of talent. Peeta had been developing a talent he had only ever been able to exercise in the decoration of cakes at his family's bakery. Now he painted, Katniss had not had a suitable talent or predilection and had spent days pouring over the list of possibilities that Effie Trinket had politely sent her. None of them struck her as even vaguely interesting. Finally she had used her telephone for the first time to call Cinna and ask his advice, as he was the most talented person she knew. Together they had come up with a craft that she was interested in as it was one originally taught to her by her father, but which she had never showed even the slightest aptitude for, bow making. Peeta, Gale, and Haymitch had rioted but she had made the concession that she would never string the bows, they would be purely decorative. In order to drive this point home Peeta had volunteered to paint many of the bows she had made. As her skill improved Katniss even ventured into the arts of engraving and wood burning in order to make her creations more beautiful, she also spoke to Cinna regularly, he had access to information that she did not. While she was enduring the hospitality of the Capitol she had taken advantage of the opportunity to practice her shooting on one of the truly superlative bows that they had to offer the Tributes. Her goal had been to produce something to match that quality. She had so far not succeeded, but she had already surpassed her father's skill and used a bow of her own manufacture when she hunted now.
Katniss slipped through the hole in the electric fence she always used without difficulty since as usual the fence was without power. Even though she was just on the other side of the fence Katniss felt a tension she always carried in the District melt away. She stood straighter, her stride freer and her glance sharper, but less wary. In the forest she was more than a match for any predator, it was the ones in town and throughout the rest of the civilized world that frightened her. The air that filled her lungs was heavy and wet with the scent of rotten leaves and dense underbrush. The weather was unseasonably warm, but there was a bite in the air that told of colder weather to come. Katniss loved the forest in all its seasons, the emerald green of spring and summer, the ruby and gold of autumn, and the sparkling diamond of winter snows. There would be bad hunting today but she strung her bow anyway and retrieved the quiver of arrows that she kept hidden in a fallen tree.
She had been right, the snares were empty, and along the trail she only encountered two quail. Her new bow shot well and she took both of them back to Hazel. When she finished the circuit she returned her bow and arrows to their hiding places and ducked back into the district. She changed into her town clothes and jogged back through town. She dropped the quail off with Hazel along with some hard candy that she had been saving as a treat for Gale's siblings.
"Good luck on your Tour Katniss," Gale's mother said kindly after releasing Katniss from a vice like hug. Hazel and she had been close for almost as long as she had known Gale, and now more than ever she was regarded as family by the Hawthorne clan. Katniss' admiration and respect for Hazel was unbounded, her husband had died in the same disaster that had cost Katniss her own father, but unlike her mother and despite having just had a third baby she had not gone catatonic, but had sought work as soon as she was able. Her children were not always well fed, but they were always well cared for.
"Thanks Mother Hazel." Katniss kissed the woman on her wrinkled cheek and took off for home again.
When she got back home Katniss made up a plate form the leftovers of her earlier breakfast, poured a cup of coffee and went upstairs to wake Peeta. She passed a door that was always kept closed; it was Peeta's art studio. When Peeta began painting Katniss had loved to watch his hands, the long graceful strokes of the brush, the control and competence of his manner, but it had become too difficult when she saw the pictures that were emerging under work of his hands. Katniss ran as therapy, Peeta painted. He had only two subjects, Katniss and the Games. The Games in vivid, unrelenting detail, someday she hoped to be able to appreciate his work, but for now it was too fresh a wound to reopen and she always turned away from the images on the canvas with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Katniss pushed open the door to find that Peeta was still fast asleep. She smiled and set down the cup and tray. She slid onto the bed and lightly kissed Peeta, once on each eye, once on the tip of his nose, by the time she reached his lips he was awake enough to respond.
"Hmm," he groaned and stretched, "morning beautiful."
"Sleep well?"
"Yup, is that coffee I smell?"
"Yes indeed."
She passed him the coffee and the plate, Peeta sat up took a gulp from the cup and tore into a biscuit.
"What time is it?"
"Almost noon, we have to go wake Haymitch."
"Let me finish this," he said holding up the coffee, "then we can fetch the bucket."