A/N - Based on comments and PMs, I've come to realize that some people are a little puzzled about this collection of stories. I apologize for this and hopefully this will clarify. Don't view this as a single intertwined story, rather read them as if they are skits taking place on an old fashioned variety show. I got the idea for this from The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour (yes, I am old enough to remember watching the re-runs) where they had skits with a running gag about "Mom likes you better". That's essentially what I'm trying to do here. So the 'other woman' is the mom. Ianto takes the role of Dick Smothers, the son who can do no wrong and Jack is Tommy Smothers, the son who can do no right. Hope this explanation clears things up.

OOO

Two is Bliss, Three is Complicated
Speculation

"Are you sure? There's got to be something!" The leader of Torchwood sounded desperate.

"I'm sorry, Jack." Tosh shook her head. "The rift predictor program says it's going to be a quiet weekend. Not even a hiccup in the near future."

"Owen, what about the weevils? Surely I can count on them to cause problems which means Ianto will have to delay. Or even cancel outright."

The reply was flippant, and a touch unkind. "No such luck. Mating season just ended so they'll be hibernating for the next two weeks. No reason at all to postpone the teaboy's long weekend. Hell, extend it a day or two if you want. We can handle things here."

Jack snarled his frustration and stormed off to his office. The strength of the door slamming sent the sound echoing throughout the cavernous hub.

Gwen cautiously approached her two team mates. "What's gotten into Jack?"

"He's upset because in about twenty minutes Ianto will be departing for his quarterly long weekend in London." Owen was chortling his delight.

"But Jack's going as well." She looked perplexed as she asked, "Why would he be upset about a long weekend away with Ianto?"

Tosh glanced towards Jack's office before whispering back. "Because the weekend isn't for them. It's Ianto's weekend and Jack just tags along."

"I don't understand."

"Oh, come on, Gwen. You can't be that dense." Owen didn't bother to keep his voice lowered. "Ianto's having a fling and Jack's jealous."

"No." Gwen kept shaking her head in disbelief. "Ianto would never do that. He and Jack are ... are, well, whatever they are. He wouldn't do that to Jack."

"Wouldn't he? Teaboy always claims he doesn't normally swing that way." Owen voice took on a sarcastic version of a Welsh accent. "It's not men, it's just him. It's only him."

"Yeah, so?"

Tosh leaned in even closer. "Owen and I think Ianto goes to London every three months to spend time with a woman."

Gwen chewed on her lower lip before replying. "Really?"

With an enthusiastic nod, Tosh said, "Oh, yes. Every three months Ianto receives a hand-delivered card addressed to 'My dear Ianto'. And all that's on the note is a date and time. Then Ianto goes into a frenzy. Buys a new suit, buffs his best dress shoes until they shine so much you could use them for a mirror. Not to mention all the shopping for gifts. Gifts, I might add, that only a woman would appreciate. And all the while, Jack works himself into a foul mood."

"That doesn't mean he's having an affair."

"It's only an affair if it's done in secret. This is a fling. Jack knows full well that Ianto goes to London to shag a woman." Owen chuckled evilly. "Ianto has an itch that the great Captain Harkness can't scratch and it's driving Jack crazy."

Before any of them could speculate further, the cog wheel began to roll back. The trio scattered, not wanting to look like they had been gossiping. Ianto strode into the hub, a suitcase in one hand.

"You look incredible. That suit is gorgeous," Gwen said in greeting. Indeed, the suit was stunning. Expertly tailored to accentuate his best features, the deep navy suit was accented by the lighter blue of his shirt. The muted gold of his tie contrasted beautifully with the blues and a diamond tip clip gave the outfit an elegant air.

Ianto blushed slightly. "Thank you. I try my best." He raised his voice slightly, "Jack, are you ready?"

Jack stormed out of his office, stopping dead in his tracks when he spied Ianto. "You're wearing that?"

"What's wrong?" He looked down in bewilderment. "You liked it the other night when I modeled it for you. In fact you said ..."

"I know what I said," Jack snarled. "That was before I knew you bought it for her."

In the background, Tosh and Owen threw Gwen knowing looks.

"And I see you're wearing the tie clip she gave you."

"Of course I am Jack," he replied calmly. "It would be inconsiderate not to."

"I'm not going!"

Ianto walked over and patted Jack's cheek in an almost patronizing fashion. "That's your choice but if you come and if you're a good boy, I'll let you sit in the room and watch." He turned, picked up his case and headed towards the exit. "I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. I know I will."

Gwen's mouth dropped open.

Jack glared at the young man's retreating figure for a few seconds before yelling, "Fine. I'll go but only so I can remind her of one thing! That she only gets you four weekends of the year. The rest of the time you're mine."

He grabbed the case he'd stowed by the door earlier that morning. "You hear me?" he yelled as he jogged to catch up with Ianto.

"All of Cardiff can hear with the way you're bellowing."

As soon as the cog door rolled closed, Gwen, still in shock, exclaimed, "Ooooh, my God! Ianto's having an affair!"

Owen raced over to Tosh's desk. "Any chance we can get some video?"

"Already working on it," she answered while her fingers tapped on the keyboard with lighting quick speed.

OOO

Later that day

Ianto and Jack walked into an elegantly decorated sitting room. Ianto gave a fond smile to the woman seated by the fireplace. Her soft voice, full of affection, simply said, "It is good to see you again, Ianto. Please make yourself comfortable." She waved towards the settee adjacent to her.

As he sank gracefully into the seat, she reached forward and placed a large slice of cake onto a plate. "I made this especially for you. I do hope you like lemon raspberry."

"It's my favorite." He nibbled on the sweet cake while she prepared a cup of tea for him. After placing the cup and saucer on the table in front of him, she served up a smallish piece of cake and poured another cup of tea with much less enthusiasm. The plates were then handed to Jack. "You may sit over there." She pointed an imperious finger at a chair situated in the far corner of the room. "And I don't wish to hear a single word from you."

Taking up her own cup, she gave Ianto another fond smile. "It has been far too long. What will it take to get you to stay in London permanently? I'm sure I can find something to entice you."

He grinned, mostly because of how Jack had started bristling. "I do appreciate the invitation but I am content with our current arrangements."

"It grieves me to hear that but I do understand. Still, it would be nice to have someone with your impressive talents available more frequently."

Ianto preened slightly. "You flatter me."

"Not at all. You are an gifted and talented young man. I can see why Captain Harkness is so afraid I will steal you away from him."

"I do try my best to please you."

"And you never disappoint. Unlike some people." She threw an unfriendly look at Jack seated in the far corner. She set down her cup and pulled a file from the tall stack sitting nearby. "Let's get this unpleasantness over with so we may enjoy the rest of the weekend. I've invited my granddaughters. Perhaps I will finally convince you to marry one of them."

With that, Queen Elizabeth II opened the file in her hand. "Now then, in the past three months, Captain Harkness has mishandled the following situations ..."