Hello! This is just a little one shot that wanted to write itself. I hope you guys really enjoy it. Let me know what you think! Thanks! :D
There wasn't some big moment that decided it. There was no big epiphany or epic moment of soul shattering embarrassment that made her do it. It was more of a multitude of things, a series of events that ultimately led to her destruction. The first was just one of many and definitely the hardest.
When she was only twelve years old her fathers' sat her down to have a very life altering conversation that would haunt her until the end. "Honey, your father and I have something we need to talk to you about, okay?"
Rachel beamed at them; she'd always have time for her two favorite people. "Of course daddy, what is it?"
"Well," her daddy began awkwardly, "your father and I have run into some problems at work and we're going to need to be away for a of couple weeks. We trust you to be able to take care of yourself. You are a very responsible young woman and we know you won't get into any trouble while we are away. You won't let us down, right?"
Rachel was completely and utterly crushed. Her daddies had been going away on business a lot more than she would've liked but she wouldn't let them see that so she put on the widest smile she could. "Of course I won't! You can count on me!"
After that day, her fathers never came back. They'd call and say they were on their way but at the last minute something would come up. Eventually, they stopped calling. She tried to push it away and to just not think about it. She tried to believe great things were in store for her and that silly things like that wouldn't matter anymore.
She wasn't exactly wrong. Great things were in store for her. She got to be lead of glee club which meant she spent more time away from her empty house. She even almost had her first boyfriend but that didn't quite work out as planned.
It was after she'd helped Finn with his singing in the auditorium when he kissed her and then ran out, but it wasn't until the next day that he cornered her in the choir room to really tell her how he felt.
"Hey Rach." Finn said as he approached the small girl sitting on the piano bench eating her lunch. It was safer in there. She was less likely to be slushied.
"Hello Finn, how do you do?" Rachel asked in her most chipper voice even if she feared the worst.
"I just wanted to talk to you about yesterday. You can't tell anyone about that, okay?" Finn asked nervously.
"Yes, of course, I understand Finn. I will refrain from telling people about our intimate encounter." Rachel said slightly bitterly as she began packing her lunch back up to leave. She didn't exactly feel like going to her next class.
"Rachel, wait, let me explain. I-" Finn began but Rachel quickly interrupted him.
"No Finn, I get it. Your reputation is important to you. You don't want to be associated in such a way with the school freak. That's just fine. One day, I will move on to bigger and better things. That includes you." Rachel said and hurried out of the choir room before the tears began to fall. She refused to let anyone see the damage they've done, the cracks in her wall.
It seemed to be never ending. Someone was always bullying her or giving her a slushie facial and she was beginning to become sick of it. She thought she was a perfectly acceptable human being but as her life progressed she began to rethink that thought.
Every day was filled with doubts and endless questions. What's wrong with me? Why don't they like me? Why am I such a freak? Is it something I'm saying? Why do I have to act this way? The list was never ending and at night she would cry herself to sleep as her brain bombarded her with question after question but the one question that constantly haunted her and never seemed to be very far away was why am I never good enough?
It was sad really. She hadn't even liked Finn. She'd known that she had at least an admiration for other girls. She'd catch herself admiring in the hallways or as she shopped. It wasn't something she could stop, it just happened, but she knew the moment Finn kissed her that she was straddling the rainbow while cuddling with her new pet unicorn.
She especially noticed it in the way she looked at Quinn. It was more than just a passing glance or an appreciation of how pretty she looked from a friend's point of view, not that they were friends anyway.
It was more than that. It was a longing deep inside of her that seemed to pull towards the blonde cheerleader in an unrelenting force. However, she knew she would never have a chance so she stayed away from the beautiful girl that captivated every moment of her time that wasn't spent in self-deprecation, school work, glee, and other music things.
It was when everyone found out that Quinn was pregnant and the story would be going school wide that Rachel knew her chance was over. She'd never have a shot at a normal Quinn Fabray let alone a pregnant one. She decided she would offer her friendship though. It was a very Rachel Berry thing to do and if she couldn't have her in a romantic sense then she would at the very least become her friend.
It surprised her when Quinn said yes and they began to build a tentative friendship. It was nice though. Quinn didn't seem to have much trouble dropping the nicknames or the sarcasm and Rachel hadn't taken long to adjust to being friends with Quinn Fabray.
It hurt Rachel to think about Quinn's baby. She had nothing against the child but it was the child's father that she envied. He had everything, a loving mother, a beautiful girlfriend, a baby on the way, popularity, and friends. He just had it all and Rachel sometimes liked to imagine it was her in Finn's place despite the pain building in her chest and the tears tumbling onto the smooth skin of her cheeks.
That pain was nothing compared to the pain she felt during glee club. She'd been suggesting various songs that would sound good for each member of glee to sing for regionals when Mercedes suddenly interrupted. "Shut up! Just shut it Rachel! I am sick of hearing about what songs you and Finn would sound good together on or what solo you think you should sing. You're so fucking annoying that no one gives a damn about your talent!"
Rachel snapped her mouth closed as she attempted to think of a response. She looked over to see if Quinn would possibly stand up for her but she was completely engrossed in whatever book she was reading and Finn was awkwardly looking away. They were her only two allies and they obviously wanted nothing to do with it. "But I was trying to he-"
Once again, Mercedes interrupted. "Shut up! No one wants to hear it alright? Fuck, can you not take a hint? Does it need to smack you in the face because I thought I made it pretty clear?"
Rachel sighed and sat back in her chair. There was no use arguing with Mercedes and gaining even more insults from the irate girl. Honestly, Rachel was only trying to help. She'd come up with a list of ten songs for each glee member that would beautifully accent their talents but that had apparently been overlooked.
Rachel was beginning to become sick of it. She was constantly ridiculed and excluded from what was supposed to be a family and she couldn't understand why unless there really was something wrong with her.
The next day in glee club was technically the last straw for her. She'd already made up her mind that she would do it but she hadn't decided when. It just so happened that glee club made her entirely depressed.
She'd been trying to give Mr. Schue her lists when he suddenly slammed his hands down on the piano. "Rachel! Frankly, I believe Mercedes is right. Maybe you should start thinking about things for everyone else instead of yourself for once? Everyone here is getting kind of tired of it. You're selfish, bossy, and kind of a brat." Mr. Schue sighed as he attempted to compose himself. "Just sit down please."
On the way to her seat she'd let the papers in her hand slip into the garbage can. She'd have no need for them and she doubted the members of glee would even want them even if she wasn't there to say anything about it.
That day when she'd gotten home she went straight to her bathroom and pulled out a razor blade. It was something she'd never thought she'd use but her mind had ventured in this direction once before and she had procured it for a just in case that actually paid off.
She never thought she'd be a statistic but things never worked out the way she wanted them to. She'd figured that out at an early age. One thing was for sure though; she would be saying goodbye to her best friend and crush. So, pulling out her phone she shot out a quick message and set to work on relieving every one of her and hopefully ending the pain and misery she felt every waking moment.
A couple minutes later across town Quinn's phone dinged with a new message. Automatically picking it up, figuring it'd be a text from Mercedes about Rachel's wacked out head, Quinn flipped her phone open to see the message Rachel had sent her. Quinn's brow furrowed as she ready it. What could it possibly mean?
I will always love you. Goodbye Quinn.
Well, she would damn sure be finding out.