BITTER BROTERHOOD
Loki was watching the abyss under the last shards of the Bifrost, the rumble of the waterfall beneath him was almost soothing. The gentle breeze was shaking the fur around the collar of his coat tickling his jawbone but he was standing still and upright, his mind was surfing the noise of the waterfall opening curtains on his closest past.
His punishment had ended a few days earlier, the thread that was sewing his lips shut had been finally removed and he healed himself with his magic so that no permanent scar was now visible on the pale skin around his mouth. Nevertheless, far deeper and incurable scars were carved in his soul and no magic could heal them.
He grimaced thinking back of when his brother had brought him, muzzled and in chains, back to Asgard, the swiftness of his sentence and the long, silent days forced to witness Thor's triumph. He wrapped himself in the coat even if he wasn't cold. He was still thinking and wondering the purpose of kidnapping him as a baby from Jotunheim to be brought up in a lie in an unfriendly realm.
His mind was so deep in thoughts that he didn't pay attention to the knight that was galloping to him. The blonde man dismounted and walked slowly towards him: - "Are you still here brother? It's been hours you're staring at the void".
Loki didn't react, he kept standing still on the brink of the abyss.
"C'mon brother, why are you so sullen? You're over with your punishment and All Father has forgiven you so… what's wrong now?"
"Do you think that everything can be fixed by a snap of All Father's fingers?" Loki commented bitterly.
"You can go back to your life here at home… I don't see anything wrong in this!" Thor's voice was puzzled.
Loki turned his head slowly until meeting his brother's eyes and smiled faintly: - "This is not my home, brother, you know this far well!"
"Brother, how can I help you give up this insane thought? This is your home, I am your brother and… and you would be happy here if only you accepted this!"
The dark haired prince turned his eyes back to the abyss and stood silent for a bunch of seconds. – "Why do you think All Father kidnapped me from Jotunheim when I was only a baby?" He then asked slowly.
"He could not let a baby die… you were innocent." Thor answered confidently.
"I was a Jotunn baby, your father's hands were already dripping with the blood of my kin, what difference would have made to kill one more?"
"You were a baby…" Thor replied stubbornly.
"Didn't All Father, in his omnipotence, know that to grow up a Jotunn prince in his own house would have been a risk? How could he even only think I would have been grateful for that?"
Thor was listening to his brother's words with a dismayed expression on his face. – "He granted you a life! You're a prince anyway, you were grown up as a royalty as you were meant to be! He didn't deprive you of anything!" Thor wasn't ready to follow his brother down that path.
"You think so, brother? Don't you remember what All Father told us when we were children? Oh… maybe you forgot but not me! He told us we were both born to be king!"
He turned on himself to face Asgard's Gates: - "Here is your realm, brother… your beautiful, glittering realm but I don't see mine!"
"There's always a purpose in everything All Father does… Maybe you're not meant to be king yet!" Thor's voice was gentle.
"Are you meant to?" Loki stared at his brother straight into his eyes: - "Answer me, brother… are you ready to be king?"
"Not yet" Thor's answer was simple and honest.
"Then… Why have you already been granted a realm? Why All Father has appointed you heir to this realm if you don't feel ready for it?"
Thor didn't know what to answer, he just looked at his brother with a pleading expression: - "Please brother, come to the palace, nightfall is close…"
"Leave me alone…" Loki voice was sour.
"Please…" The blonde man caught himself almost begging.
Loki didn't answer, he turned his back to his brother and stared at the void beneath him once more.
"I know you are angry with me…" Thor tried to select the words carefully.
"Furious would be more appropriate…" Loki corrected him.
"Right, you would hurl me down the Bifrost right now but… Please, it's most of importance you resume your life at the palace!"
"Really? Why? Have I become so much important for Asgard?" Loki voice was icy and bitter.
"All Father thinks that you'd better spend more time with Lady Sigyn rather than alone, staring at the waterfall…" Thor was more than sure that that revelation would have unleashed his brother's fury.
As expected, Loki turned to him with a murderous look in his sparkling green eyes: - "I am afraid the waterfall rumble muffled your words, brother. I must have misunderstood them."
"All Father thinks that such a mild and sweet company might soothe your soul, brother, and make you heal faster."
Loki's lips stretched in a threatening smile: - "So caring from him!"
"He cares of you!" Thor's tongue moved faster than his thoughts and only after speaking he realised he had fallen into a pit.
"Of course! He first orders my lips sewn shut and my presence in such condition at every bloody party without any respect for my honour as a prince and a king to be and then oh…! He's so much struck by compassion to think the presence of a dumb female can miraculously heal me!"
"You're unfair" Thor shook his head.
"I am what I am and I cannot be changed by your father's will nor will I play his music!" Loki's pitch raised: - "Oh, it's so much clear now… everything's clear! What an unexpected chance! A little Jotunn prince to bring up and then manipulate as a puppet! Now, what will be All Father's next step? Order me to marry that woman perhaps?"
"Calm down brother… nobody's ordering you anything! We just care of you…" Thor didn't want to ignite Loki's fury even more than that.
Loki suddenly recovered his icy attitude: - "I'd better die a Jotunn prince than an Asgardian puppet, brother…"
"Why can't you simply put everything in the right perspective…." Thor's answer was halted by Loki.
"What right perspective are you talking about? An Asgardian perspective for sure! So, why cannot I be what I am? Why cannot I show myself for who I am? Why am I forbid to turn my skin blue and my eyes red and be what I am? Have you ever thought of me looking at myself in a mirror and see a face that's not mine? Just think your entire life in a different skin, brother… tell me… would you like it so much?"
Thor had never thought of it before and suddenly his brother's reasoning seemed flawless. A surge of compassion burst from his heart, he smiled sweetly: - "Good night brother… I hope you will find your peace…"
Loki didn't answer back when his brother mounted on his horse and galloped back to the palace.
He didn't spend much more time in that solitary spot but when he went back to the palace, he was glad to see that most of the halls were silent and dark. His steps rang out on the shiny pavement while he was heading to his apartments. He passed by Thor's and the door slightly ajar allowed him to see his brother sitting on his bed, his forehead resting on the palm of a hand as if he was nagged by a thought. He stopped to look at him enough to make himself being sensed by his brother. Thor raised his head: - "Brother, come in…"
Loki walked in and closed the door: - "Do you feel better now that you see me here in the safeness of your home?"
Thor raised his blue eyes on him: - "It's also your home!"
The dark brother shook his head and smiled sadly: - "You're so stubborn, is it All Father that told you to keep telling me over and over that this is also my world?"
The older brother sighed: - "No. I miss you brother… You've changed so much and I miss you…"
Loki didn't seem to be touched by that sudden revelation, he smiled remotely: - "Now I know who I am and what you miss is only a lie, brother… You miss your little Asgardian brother, brought up to be your subordinate, to be rewarded of the safety of your shadow, the sweet little companion of your nights satisfied with sharing the bed of mighty Thor." He paused for a moment: - "That's over."
Thor bit his lips and answered in a low voice: - "I thought you enjoyed it…"
Loki looked firmly down at him and shrugged: - "It was just more experience…"
The older brother felt a sharp pang in his heart: - "You lied…"
"I am the god of lies, brother… you'd better not trust every word I say, every moan I utter."
"You could simply tell me…" A strange mix of sorrow and shame surged from his heart.
"Tell you, brother?" Loki sensed his brother's feeling and callously rubbed salt in the wound: - "Would you have listened to me? Have you ever listened to me?"
"Of course I have!" Thor stood up and looked at him.
Loki chuckled and took off his coat laying it down on a wooden bench: - "Tell me what you really know about me? How much did you care to know about me? About my life? About my studies? When you were all busy in your sword lessons, so proud of your father's praises… You were always telling me how much he was appreciating you, how much everyone loved you but when have you ever asked of me? Sure, my books are so much more boring than your princely lessons…" Loki's eyes were wide, sparkling with tears lining them: - "I only wished to be your equal, brother… To be considered as your equal by you, by everyone! That would have been enough for me to give up my dream of my own realm. I would have given up my blue skin and my red eyes for your love brother, for your true, unbiased love and care."
Thor lowered his eyes and whispered his only answer: - "I love you, brother… More than anyone else in the Nine Realms but you don't want to see this. I don't know which way would fit your idea of being loved by me. Forgive me for not understanding you as you wish, you're such a complicated, beautiful creature. Forgive me if I lead you to things you didn't want to do and for not understanding that."
Loki seemed like calming down, he leaned against the wall and lowered his eyes: - "It's too late…"
"No! It's not too late!" Thor motioned towards him: - "It's not too late brother…"
The dark prince didn't try to move when Thor hugged him. Quite unexpectedly he found the warmth of his brother pleasant and comfortable. He stood quietly in his arms trying to force back the tears.
Thor curled to his ear and whispered: - "Stay with me this night, brother…."
Loki stepped back: - "To be again your bitch, prince of Asgard?" His voice sounded grieved.
His brother shook his head: - "No. You won't be forced to do anything you don't want to. Just… sleep with me, I don't ask you for nothing but your presence."
Loki seemed on the verge of turning his shoulders and leave but something was obviously preventing him from such a decision.
"Please…" Thor whispered.
The younger brother looked like thinking over an answer. Thor took the occasion to add a simple, unexpected request: - "And if you ever feel like making love to me, then please… let me love you the way you are…"
Loki looked at him in complete surprise: - "You mean…"
"I mean… like the rightful Jotunn prince you are."
"You… You're sure of that?" Loki was still amazed by the unexpected request.
"You're beautiful, my brother, either as an Asgardian or in your true nature… you're always the person I love most."
The moment Loki took to think of an answer seemed infinite to Thor. – "I am not trying win your love with gracious permissions, you could have been yourself in any moment with me, brother… There's only one thing I cannot tolerate from you and this is your tears."
Loki walked away from the wall and began to take off all the layers of his heavy attire: - "Then, be it so".
Thor smiled and stretched his arms out to him. He felt like that was a new beginning. Loki was back home in his arms and that was more priceless than all Asgard itself.