Jawbreakers (Brain, this has been slightly edited since the original post. Enjoy.)
"This stinks! We'll never get a jawbreaker now!" Eddy grumbled as the Eds reached the candy store. What a vile enemy a 'back in five minutes' sign can be.
"It's okay, Eddy. We can wait five minutes. It is not it would be the end of the world," Double-D said.
"Jawbreakers!" Ed yelled and started sucking on the window like he was a leach, slobbering all over it.
"Ed, don't! Who knows wear the window has been!" Double-D scolded pulling as hard as he could to pry his friend from the window. Just then a truck drove up next to the boys. A man with a bandana stuck his head out. (Think his bandana yellow and spotted black and there is an umbrella in the seat next to him.)
"Do you know were I can find Area 51?" the man asked the boys.
"Are you more stupid than Ed! No one knows where Area 51 is!" Eddy yelled at the poor clueless man.
"Who's Ed?" the trucker asked.
"Duh! You are in our cartoon right now!"
"Ed is more than one person?"
"Isn't Area 51 the alleged place where they do alien research?" Double-D asked still attempting to yank the all famous Ed immersed in window. He thought that he was tasting the jawbreaker in front of him. But Double-D's inquiry certainly caught his attention.
"Aliens! AAAHHHHH!" Ed yelled throwing his arms up, accidentally hitting Double-D, sending the rather light boy into the side of the truck. He caused a huge dent.
"Hey! That's public property!" the Area 51 trucker with the bandana yelled.
"No it's not! It's for Area 51. How the heck is that public! And aren't we allowed to trash public property?" Eddy argued. The man looked a bit uneasy.
"Yeah, well. Still, you shouldn't bang it up. So you have no idea where it is?' he asked again.
"I think it's in Canada or somethin'," Eddy said off hand.
"CANADA!" the trucker yelled panicked. "I'm no where near Canada!"
"I heard rumors that it was in Arizona," Double-D suggested hopefully.
"I still have be there be Friday. At least it's closer than Canada. After all, we are in Mexico," the trucker sighed.
"Mexico! We are in Colorado!" Eddy snapped, yet again.
"Area 51 is in Nevada, on the precisely thirteen miles direct north from into the desert from the large rock near Las Vegas," Ed interrupted.
"Ed…how do you know that?" Double-D said in awe.
"That better not be from a comic book!" Eddy threatened.
"I was there," Ed said smiling.
"You were… there?" Double-D said still in a state of surprise.
"Yeah, when I was born, they took me there thinking I was an alien. Then I sprouted tentacles and thirty more eye-lids. Then Sarah hit me over the head saying 'Wake up you big lug!'," Ed said matter-a-factly.
"Figures," Eddy scowled.
"Thanks for the instructions, kinda. Goodbye," the trucker said waving goodbye as he sped off. Unknown to him, when Double-D was sent smashing into the truck's side, it jerked the back door open enough to spill some off it's contents. Six jawbreakers rolled out of the back of the truck as it sped away.
"Jawbreakers!" Eddy yelled, pouncing on one and going right through it as if it were a halogram. Actually, it is steryotypical that when one goes through a halogram gets all blu red for a second. This didn't happen.
"What the?" Eddy tried to pick up the jawbreaker but his hand went right through it. He tried again, and again, and again.
And again, and again, and again.
"What's with this stupid, defective jawbreaker!" Eddy yelled kicking, grabbing and biting what he could not.
"Strange. It seams that this jawbreaker is intangible," Double-D commented in a scientific state of awe.
"You think!" Eddy yelled back going half insane with the jawbreaker being so close and yet so far.
"Jawbreakers!" Ed shouted gleefully rushing over to the pile.
"Jawbreaker for Double-D," Ed said grabbing a tangible jawbreaker and shoving it into Double-D's mouth. "Jawbreaker for Eddy," he said feeding Eddy. "And jawbreaker for Ed!" he said about to engulf his own when…
BOOM!
Eddy's head had exploded.
"Oh my goodness!" Double-D screeched a bit higher than normal.
"What happened! Why can't I see? Am I blind? What's going on!" Eddy yelled moving what would have been his head to side to side.
"You have no head," came a strange voice from Double-D's mouth. It was more feminine than usual. As the jawbreaker dissolved Double-D transformed. He was getting more developed as if he was fast-forwarding through puberty, only he wasn't changing into a man.
"Why is Double-D a girl?" Ed asked.
"Eeeeeekkkkkkkk!" Double-D shrieked looking at his… well now her expanding chest, growing height and becoming ever more curvy. Her/his hat fell off revealing bright bubble gum pink hair.
"Double-D's a girl! I always knew it, ever since I caught him wearing his mom's make-up," said Eddy.
"That was cover-up and I had a zit on my nose. Guys were cover-up too! YOU did!" argued the Ed boy, I mean Ed girl.
"Double-D. You have pink hair! Was that from transforming into a girl?" Ed asked.
"Err…….YES! That was exactly why I have pink hair. Yeah, that's right," Double-D obviously lied, but her friends are too stupid to notice her bad acting.
"What about me! I have no head!" Eddy yelled from some unfathomable reason since having no head also meant having no mouth and no ears. How can he talk, breath, think and hear then but not see? It's kind of a shame he could still talk.
"Hello babe, you new to this cul-de-sac," said Kevin walking over sending twenty times the flirty vibes he sends to Nazz. This is for all those that believe he is a sleazy bastard.
"Wait, what babe? Let me see! I wanna see," whined the headless Eddy.
"No Kevin it's not what you think. It's, me Double-D," Double-D pleaded to the red-haired boy strutting over to her. Like he'd have a chance with a babe like this recently sex-changed beauty.
"How did you know my name? Are you friends with Double-D? You don't want me? No girl can ever not want me!" he said striking a dramatic poise of determination. I know, I know. I little bit out of character. Okay fine, VERY out of character.
"Ha! Nazz doesn't even like you," Eddy snickered. "Wait, Kevin is flirting with Double-D's female self? That means Double-D's female self is hot! Nice," Eddy would have smiled if he had a smile to mouth. Always the optimist.
"This ain't Double-D and I'll prove it!" Kevin said planting a huge kiss on Double-D's lips.
A girl jumps out of no where and squeals "YAOI!" at the top of her over powered lungs. She is shot to death on the spot and is ignored for the rest of the fanfiction. Double-D collapsed in utter shock, repulsion and for several other reasons why a person like Double-D would collapse. Some first kiss (for Kevin I mean.)
"Oh my gosh, it is Double-D! If it really was a girl she would be kicking my incredibly hot ass!" he shouted in horror. "I kissed a boy!"
"Incredibly hot ass?" Eddy said skeptically. "Why is kissing a boy so disgusting?"
"He obviously suffers from homophobia," Double-D commented. "And technically I am a girl now (curse it), so no, you didn't kiss a boy."
"What's hobo-foam-eye-ah?" Ed asked
"I kissed a boy!" Kevin yelled facing Eddy. "Ah! You have no head!"
"Finally you stop focusing on the fact Double-D is a chick and to that I don't have a head. I think my problem is more important." For once in his life, I agree with Eddy thinking his problem is more dire.
"Here have a jawbreaker, Kevin" Ed said randomly as if he had not noticed all that had happened with the previous ones. He stuffed one into Kevin's mouth. He started to shake all over and then POOF! He was an alien looking creature with tentacles, giant fangs that weighed down his head nearly snapping his neck and other uncomfortable and painful mutated placement or disoriented body parts. For example his testicles were moved to the bottom of is feet so every time he walked … ow. Oh! And his ass was with out a doubt no longer incredibly hot. Like it ever was.
"Alien!" Ed yelled in delight. At that moment a black helicopter flew out of no where (or more accurately the sky) and dropped down in front of them and a man in a baby blue tux with silly frilly green lace edges and pitch black glasses, strutted out to them.
"Hello I am the man in blue with silly green frills. Sorry Mr. Alien, but you are deadly and are obviously causing distress to this incredibly hot little girl," he said in a stern tone. He pulled out a tiny squirt gun and aimed it at Kevin who was trying very hard to walk on his hands which were as thin as ravioli. "Meet my Rather Loud Grasshopper." He pulled the trigger. What ever he was trying to do, it failed miserably.
"What hot girl?" Eddy yelled.
"I find it very insulting that you choose to treat me as an object or an animal as I am not just nor was I always an incredible hot–" Double-D started.
"Shut up. I am totally objectifying you. I must save you from Mr. Alien so you can make-out with me, you good little damsel in distress." the man in blue said.
"First of all, no, no, and NO you idiotic sorry excuse for a secret agent. You wannabe James Bond or Men In Black. We don't want you to take Kevin unless you are going to cure him you egotistical buffoon!" Double-D shouted.
"Ahh, I love you too. But it will never work, I work at the top secret Area 51 and you don't. We can only have a fling like they do in the movies," the man said overly dramatically.
"Area 51! I need your help! Give me back my head! Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" cried Eddy grabbing on to the man's suit.
"Sorry, but I don't fly that way, headless boy. Remember me as I was!" he said grabbing the utterly miserable Kevin, a jet back opened out of the back of his suit and he flew off. "I fly this way!" with that he struck a Superman pose and this time he really was gone.
"What about my head!"
"He wants us to remember him as a perverted, womanizing, self-absorbed idiot?" Double-D said sarcastically.
"He left his helicopter!" Ed yelled jumping into the cockpit and started pressing buttons randomly. He flew it into the candy shop. Ed came out with three jawbreakers.
"Who wants jawbreakers?" Ed cheered.
"Ed you idiot! I never want another jawbreaker again!" Eddy yelled.
"Okay Eddy," he said throwing the non-mutant jawbreakers back to the store. "Hey, there's an instruction manual!" Ed had walked back to where the three remaining Area 51 jawbreakers were.
"An instruction manual! We could have known I was going to be headless!" Eddy shouted despite his current mouth less state.
"We would have avoided my gender change," Double-D said highly annoyed.
"Yeah. We have the one that Eddy couldn't pick up, the one that made his head explode, the one that made Double-D a girl, the one that made Kevin all mutatey, there's this cure one –
"A CURE!" cheered the victimized Ed boys and ran over to the one Ed said was the one with the cure. They both grabbed the jawbreaker and started to argue.
"I want it! I don't have a head. All you don't have is a d–
"Shut up! Do you have any idea how it is to be victimized like this you numb-skull or more accurately no-skull!"
"But I don't have a head, you can live as a chick!"
"Then why don't we split it. For a situation like this I don't mind if your saliva gets all over it."
"Actually," Ed read the directions aloud. "It says that only one person has to eat it for the full affects."
"Give it!" Eddy screeched and a giant dust bunny of DOOM formed around him and Double-D. It dissipated, leaving Double-D's legs and arms tied in several knots and Eddy holding the jawbreaker victoriously. SHOCK! Eddy hit a girl. SHOCK again! Double-D hit a blind person.
"Now I shall eat it and get back my head!" he announced then tried to bite it then he realized … he couldn't eat with out a head.
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Then I get it," Double-D was ecstatic, hopping over and held out her hand whose arm had tied her two legs together. Man that boy, erm girl, is flexible.
"It also has to be administered through the anus, like a rectal thermometer!" Ed chirped with joy.
"Better yet, a being a girl isn't that bad. I'm sure I can stomach taking a shower tomorrow," Double-D said shoving the jawbreaker back to Eddy.
"Heck no! I can be one of those blind people who have food injected into their stomach. You stick the head-sized candy up your asshole," Eddy argued, not very convincingly.
"I'll eat it! I love jawbreakers!" Ed cheered and engulfed the jawbreaker, with Eddy still holding it.
"It's Eddy flavored," he said slobbering all over Eddy's arm and the ground.
After the jawbreaker was completely dissolved Ed announce he had read the instructions wrong and it was eaten orally. After several swift kicks by both Double-D and Eddy, they went on to lead there normal lives as a boy, an incredibly hot girl, and a headless, talking, hearing, breathing marvel, leaving the intangible jawbreaker and the jawbreaker that Ed had not gotten to describing yet on the ground next to the candy shop with a helicopter impaling it. Needless to say, when the shopkeeper finally did come back after his five minutes, he wasn't very happy. He had nearly exploded like Eddy's head. Instead he died of shock.
Then Jimmy and Sarah came walking down the street and saw the jawbreakers lying on the ground. Sarah preoccupied herself attempting to pick up the intangible jawbreaker while Jimmy ate the last one. He laughed like an evil maniac that was about to leave the room, leaving the hero to their death only for them to escape unknowingly to this particular villain at this point in time. He laughed so much he ran out of air and died. Sarah was too angry about the jawbreaker to notice. Then they all grew up. At least the people still alive.
Ed became a lab rat in Area 51 and got to eat as many jawbreakers as he wanted. They were happy to see him since they hadn't since he was a baby. Double-D fell in love with a lesbian as she still had her original preferences and she became a protester for women rights. Eddy got a seeing-eye dog named Skipper (he did not choose the name) and ate through a tube that he put in his esophagus that was sticking out of his neck. He had once tried to find an organization that helped headless people on the Internet, but the only thing that came up was a bunch of addresses for mausoleums. Kevin was finally cured after several painful procedures and became a scientist for Area 51. It was either that or die. But he did get to play for their football team who's the main tactic was to eliminate all the opponents before the game. Jimmy died of laughter, the shopkeeper died in shock, the man in blue with silly little green fringes died from getting slapped by girls too many times until his skin flayed off, Sarah died of starvation after never being able to pick up the damn jawbreaker, and the trucker with the bandana and umbrella had died by driving off the Grand Canyon looking for Washington DC. Short reenactment of the scene: "Now where is that Great Wall of China? It's bound to be somewhere in Washington DC. Aaaaaaahhhhhh, I'm falling! Hey look a squirrel." (Very few people in the world get that joke, so don't feel bad. If you don't bow to my comic genius anyway.)
The Ed … erm End
Random, random, random. I hope you made sense of this. See that little button in the bottom left hand corner? Press it and tell me what you honestly think about my work.