Do You Still Love Me?
Disclaimer: Nope, last check, still doesn't own CSI or Gil Grissom or Sara Sidle. I wish I did because I will never allow the writers to play with GSR.
I think Sara taking a few days off to go back to San Francisco would lead to something. I hope there will be something huge for her, or something that might potentially bring Grissom back to her life. (I am okay with them just mentioning him and they are on their healing process.) Wishful hopes, I know. But one needs hope.
I'm working on Serenity. Work intervenes. I barely had time for myself. Sorry for keeping you waiting.
Have a great weekend and happy mother's day to all mothers! Make mine weekend a great one too, write me a comment. :)
The little boy sitting beside stared at her with his big, round and curious eyes. He tilted his head to the right side and frowned.
"Are you afraid? You are pale," he asked, placing his tiny palm on hers attempting to comfort her.
"I don't like flying," Sara answered truthfully.
Truth be told, she hated flying. Flying sent her off the edge.
The pressure and the confinement to a small space made her feel uneasy. The ringing in her ears when the plane took off disturbed her.
She did not like that she had no control over herself when she was in the plane. Her life was in the hands of the pilots. She abhorred the fact that she did not have control. If the pilots screwed up, she would die and her body might never be found.
Grissom once told her that her fears were irrational and unfounded. He always chuckled and pinched her nose playfully when she shrunk back into the seat. Despite finding it amusing, he would always grasp her hands firmly in his when the captain announced they were taking off. He pulled her as close as the armrest between them allowed. Whispering words of comfort into her ears and kissing her earlobes gently.
Tears seeped from her under her lower lids and rolled down her cheeks. She missed Grissom so much. Her free hand instinctively went to her chest and caressed her wedding band. To avoid others questioning gaze, she had pulled off her ring from her finger, strung it on a necklace and wore it under her blouse.
Nick and Greg were both relief when she told them she put away her wedding band and was ready to move on. But she wasn't ready. She did that to put on an act. She couldn't allow them to keep worrying for her.
Russell saw through her act and pulled her off a case. He ordered her to take off for as long as she needed and to start the healing process. He would not take no for an answer and warned her that if she was back before she think she was ready, he would put her through counseling session.
"Sara, be safe. I trust that you can do it." Russell told her before she exited from his car. He smiled encouragingly before driving off. She watched him drove off and let out a sigh. She had a few weeks off and Russell was serious about sending her to counseling if she goes back before she is ready.
First few days, she took times to clean her house. She scrubbed, mopped, swept and disinfected every surface she could find. She rearranged her all of her furniture and pushed them back to their original place after finding the rearrangement dissatisfying.
She took down all of the photo frames of Grissom and her and put them into a drawer. Her house looked empty without those photos. She ended up placing them back to their rightful place.
She swiped away her tears when she caressed the profile of Grissom's face in the photo.
They chose this house together. He had sold his townhouse when he went to Costa Rica. He never expected that one of them would return to Vegas. Fate intervened. She returned. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement while waiting for their grant to be approved. But the grant never got approved. Their area of research was not appealing enough.
He returned to Vegas for a week and they went apartment hunting. Initially, he wanted to find something similar to his townhouse but she refused. She did not want an apartment in the city. She found the strobe lights and neon signs in the city unsettling. She wanted something quiet, quaint and peaceful.
They found this house on sales when she was on the internet looking through the realtor sites. The description was appealing. She fell in love with the small garden the house had. The location was great – out of the city but it was just an hour drive to the lab.
She was sold when they parked their car in the garage. She adored the whole concept of the house. The couple that was selling their house was botanists and they wanted the best for their plants and retrofitted the full glass windows in the front yard.
They bought the house without second thoughts. They knew this was the house for them.
They did not do much renovation. They just repainted the wall to cream and bought new furniture. Grissom knew that she suffered from insomnia occasionally and splurged on a king sized bed. He also renovated the bathroom, knowing how she enjoyed her baths.
It was their home to call when all renovations were done. Immensely satisfied with their work, they held a personal housewarming on the bed and in the bathroom, in the huge bathtub.
He promised he would be back often and he would be there to hold her whenever her nightmares haunt her.
But he failed to deliver his promises. His visits become sporadic and his work took precedence. It became his habit to call to inform her that he was stuck with yet another project and was unable to fly back.
It was all right initially but as time passed by, their communication lessened and it became increasingly awkward to talk to each other. They found themselves talking to their voicemail more.
Her visits, too, decreased and slowly ceased. Their camp's security tightened and the management frowned upon visitors, as there were a few thefts in the camp. Some of artifacts they dug up were stolen.
She tried her best to keep him updated about her life, her job and everything but he didn't.
He became Grissom again, the Grissom who shut her out of his life.
Then the fateful phone call came. The call she tried her best to avoid.
The contents of his emails were hurtful. He told her they were not working out anymore. They needed to talk and discuss about their state of their marriage. He was more than willing to let her free. He did not want her to be sad, lonely and angry.
The dreadful call when she was in his old office. Russell left her alone in the office and gave her a small knowing smile.
After asking if it was a good time to talk, he began his tirade, telling her it was not her fault. It was his. He was a socially inept person who could not give her happiness. He preferred dead bugs, dead body over human interactions. He thought that they could work out but evidently, it did not.
He did not even give her chance to explain, to argue, to fight for their marriage.
He just decided for her that a separation was better for the both of them.
"Sara, it was for your own good. I want you to be happy. I'm sorry for wasting your youth." He apologized before clicking off the phone.
She sat there, feeling bitter and broken. She walked to the locker room, feeling drained. She could not cry in the lab. She kept her tears inside of her and she brushed across Greg on the way out, ignoring his invitation to the diner.
She burst into tears when she was in the safe confines of her car. She banged her head on the steering wheel, thinking of what had she done wrong.
She blamed herself for the dissolve of their marriage.
She was at fault. She should never leave her husband in Paris. She should have joined him on his trips.
He confirmed his intention of leaving her when she received the separation papers a week later.
After receiving his separation papers, she allowed her life to spiral out of control. She binged drank. To aid her sleeping, she popped pills. She bar hopped and enjoying the little attention some men showered her. She flirted with them, letting them to grope her. She even allowed Taylor Wynard to kiss her on her lips. The lips she reserved for Grissom after getting together.
Taylor wanted to progress onto heavier stuffs, but clarity suddenly set in her mind. She shoved him away and shook her head violently, "I'm married."
She laughed when Taylor shrugged and stalked away. She was not married anymore. Her husband had abandoned her.
She was all alone. She hugged her legs close to her chest and let her tears fall freely.
She was never a person who loved crying but since Grissom entered her life.
Crying became her best friend.
The crack in her marriage allowed Ronald Basderic to manipulate her life. He saw how broken she was. He witnessed how she downed the sleeping pills with beers. He watched how lonely she got.
She read his confessions. She knew that after Edie died, he began to stalk her. He noticed her signs of burned out and read all her emails and letters. When the separation letter came, he started planning how to ruin her life. Taylor Wynard was a bonus. He never expected that she would allow herself to be swept off her feet by him.
He changed her sleeping pills prescription to a more potent one. He knew she was knocked out when she downed it with alcohol. He began bolder and crept into her house when she blanked out.
He told Crawford he watched her slipping her hands into her sweatpants, to stimulate herself and moaned for Grissom's name when she reached her peak and orgasmed. Ronald said she was a pathetic woman who could not keep her husband.
His words burned her, partly, because he was right. She was pathetic and incapable. She could not save her marriage. She slammed the report shut, refused to read it any further.
The things she done after separating from Grissom was far from innocent. She knew that Ronald would detail everything he saw into the report. She was dreading the trial. Ronald's defense lawyer was unlikely to let her off easy. Her private life might splash across the tabloids.
She was glad that Brass was not involved in the investigations. If not, she would never know how to face him. Nick and Greg, out of respect, decided to skip the interrogations and reading the report. They wanted to know how she was coping but she always gave them the standard answer, "I'm fine."
She realized she could not share with them how she really felt. To be honest, she had no ideas how she was feeling. She felt numbed, and exposed. She was a very private person and she did not like to be in the center of the attention. They understood her need for privacy and backed off when she told them she had moved on.
She knew that they did not believe in her but they did not show their doubts in front of her. After a few weeks, she slowly faded to the background. The gossip died down and she was left alone. Nick and Greg returned to their old routine. They still took turns to ask her out for breakfast but did not insist when she said no.
Only Russell saw through her façade and ordered her to take some times off.
She did, mainly because of Russell's threats.
The first few days, alone, was all right. She cleaned her whole house and rearranged her furniture. She bought comedies and watched but she did not laugh. Instead, she sobbed her heart out. When she lay on her bed, she felt lonely. The left side of her bed felt so empty. The huge bed Grissom chose engulfed her, suffocating her.
She badly wanted to drink but refrained from it as she was still reeling from the after effects of her binge drinking.
She kept to a routine. Jogging in the morning. Yoga classes in the afternoon. More jogging in the evening. Instead of getting tired, she felt more energetic. The more energetic she felt, the more Grissom crept into her mind.
She just could not shake Grissom off her mind if she was all alone in the house they used to share.
It was then she decided to visit her Mum. It was not an easy decision to make. Her relationship with her Mum was still awkward but she did visit her mum more than previously. The conversation was short and light. She asked about her day at the care facility and what activities she participated. Her mum asked about her life in general and how she was coping.
"I'm fine, I'm great," she replied cheerfully, completed with a fake smile.
Her mum's gaze bore right through her but her mum did not ask any further questions. She let out a soft sigh of relief that her mum never asked her about the state of her marriage.
Her mum never asked about her husband. Her mum did not know Grissom but she knew that she was married to an older man.
Perhaps her mum was what she needed.
Her mum would never ask about Grissom or remind her of him. The lab and the house had shadows of Grissom.
She remembered walking down the hallway, in a dirty and smelly overall and seeing Grissom inching closer to her after he got back from his sabbatical. He looked refreshed and energized. She had been hurt by his decision. He accepted the collage offer without consulting her opinions. The few days he was gone, she felt lost and woke up drenched in cold sweat. She had grown accustomed to his heat and body pressed against while she slept. His presence comforted her and lulled her to peaceful sleep.
She shook her head, attempting to rid Grissom from her mind. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly after holding it for a few moments. She repeated the process a few times to calm herself down.
After checking her reflection on her rearview mirror and satisfied with her makeup, she stepped out of her car and walked to the care facility entrance in huge strides.
Sara rasped on her mum's door rapidly and opened the door when she heard her mum's raspy voice. Her mum's voice had become hoarse after long years of alcohol abuse. Her mum used to have smooth voice who sang lullaby to her.
"Sara, I wasn't expecting you so soon." Laura Sidle stood up, putting her magazine away on the table. Her voice was filled with surprise. Sara visited just a few days ago, taking her out for a lunch at a diner.
Sara put on a smile, "I thought I should visit you."
Laura Sidle frowned a little before breaking into a grin. She knew that Sara was lying. Sara was her daughter and she knew when Sara was lying.
"Come here," she patted the edge of her bed and beckoned Sara over.
Sara shook her head gently and took the armchair beside Laura's bed. "I...uhm…preferred to sit over here." Although things had gone relative well between them after Ronald Basderic's episode, but it was still quite awkward for them to be so close and intimate.
"What are you reading?" Sara glanced over her shoulder and asked casually.
"The royal baby news," Laura Sidle shrugged and lifted a magazine and placed at Sara's lap. "Sometimes, reading tabloids is fun."
Sara flipped through the magazine uninterestingly. "I'm still not a fan of gossip magazine." Sara put away the magazine.
They lapsed into an uneasy silence as they stared at each other.
Finally, it was Laura who broke the silence. "Sara, tell me why are you here?"
Sara considered her mum's question for a few moments before letting out a sigh. "I don't know. I'm lost." She confessed.
"Why?"
A simple why from her mum threw her off. She did not know where she was lost. Perhaps it was because she was on leave and she had free times to let her mind run wild. She analyzed why her marriage broke up and was deeply frustrated to find no explanation.
"Sara," Laura held Sara's hands in hers and stroked the back of her hands soothingly, "I'm your mum, and it's okay to let me see your weak side."
Sara wanted to be defensive and argued with her mum that she was not weak. Then it dawned on her that she was too tired to be argumentative.
"Grissom and I broke up. I don't know why he chose to break up with me?" Sara squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed hardly.
Laura sighed, "Sara, do you still love him?"
Sara's eyes snapped open and she glared at her mum. It was a question she had been afraid to ask herself. She was afraid to know the answer. Answering yes or no would break her heart. She felt her heart twisted painfully and she swore she could hear ringing in her ears.
"Sara, do you still love him?" Laura urged again, when Sara did not reply. Laura could see the turmoil boiling in Sara's eyes and she knew that Sara was not over Grissom.
"Yes," Sara answered in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Then go to wherever he is now and tell him that," Laura stated as if this was an easy task.
"It's not as easy as you thought. He's different!" Sara's pitch raised a few notches and folded her arms across her chest angrily. Her mum never knew Grissom and his character.
She took a few years, Adam Trent's sudden attack and Nick's kidnap before Grissom opened his heart to her. His closed his heart after his operation. The first three years she was here, their relationship was an easy camaraderie with playful flirting.
Grissom became distant and cold after his surgery, always pushing her away and denying her of the validations she craved for from him. She remembered him pinning against the wall, as they discussed the case. She felt electricity flowing from his hands to her wrists and spread across her whole body. His usually clear blue eyes became cloudy and dark with desire. He immediately let go when the danger flag in his brains was triggered. She looked away, started blabbering about her promotion application, and hoped that what had happened or did not happen would not affect her application.
They went back and forth, struggling with their feelings for each other. It was until that day she heard him confessing to Dr. Lurie before she gave up. She was not worthy. He could not risk his career, one he built painstakingly, for her. She understood his reason and avoided him.
"Sara," Laura's voice brought her back from her reverie. Sara shifted nervously when she felt her mum's unwavering gaze on her.
"He came to see me after he left the lab."
"What?" Sara's brows furrowed together.
"I'm saying Grissom came to San Francisco to visit me before he went to you in Costa Rica. He came to ask me for your hand. He told me he was going to propose to you. The shine in his eyes was unmistakable. Sara, he loves you. I don't know what transpires him to break up with you but I know that he will always love you when I saw those eyes and the uplifting tone he had when he described you. He told me how an ass he was for treating you so badly and the failure to recognize your burnout signs. We talked for hours and he promised me that he would take good care of you. "Laura pulled Sara closer to her and embraced her.
"I have no doubt he still loves you." Laura whispered.
"How could you be so sure? He broke up with me," Sara sobbed, wrapping her arms around her mum's neck.
"I know. I just know. Go to where he is now and tell him that you can't lose him and you still love him. Perhaps, it's time for you to take the initiative. Perhaps he is weary. You're not the one who was lonely and afraid. He is too. He might felt that he was not good enough for you. And you were so far away from him."
"Mum," Sara trembled uncontrollably. She realized her mother was right. The age gap had always bothered Grissom and he often commented that he did not know why she would fall in love for him. After they got together, Grissom started an exercise regime to keep in shape. He shaved his beard and did a dye job. It was until the second year of their relationship and numerous assurances from her that he stopped trying his best to be young. Grissom also needed assurances from her and she neglected that aspect. She always thought that he was a confident man without any insecurity. How could she miss that?
"Go for him."
Sara nodded, "I will."
The tiny squeeze of her hand brought her back to reality. "You okay?" the boy who was sitting beside her asked.
"Yes, I will be." Sara smiled. She booked the first flight to Peru after she visited her mother.
This was her last chance to fight for her marriage. She would accept the outcome. If Grissom still insisted on a divorce, she would accept it and move on.
"Good," the boy grinned. The boy's mother mouthed an apology for disturbing her.
Sara pulled her blanket up to her chin and drifted off to a sleep. The plane ride would take about 13 hours and she wanted to be fresh and well rested before meeting Grissom.
After enduring a 13 hours plane ride and 3 hours of bumpy car ride, Sara finally reached Grissom's campsite. Sara heaved her stomach contents out when she arrived. She accepted the bottle of water from the driver and gulped it down quickly. She leant onto a tree for support, to recuperate.
Sara shaded her eyes with her palms to look at her watch. It was almost twelve and according to the schedule, Grissom's coming back for lunch soon.
She fidgeted and smoothed the wrinkles of her eggshell white sundress with her hand. This white sundress was a gift from Grissom and it was their wedding dress. He bought this dress when they went to visit the town of Costa Rica. He loved the material and it was handmade by the locals. The locals promised that he could not find another dress of the same design elsewhere. He did not even try to bargain and thrust a small wad of cash to the seller.
She could not forget his smile when she put it on and they went to a small church in town to get married.
Sara twisted her wedding band on her finger three times for good luck. She had put her wedding band back on her finger after she got off the plane.
Her heart stilled when she heard the chattering of the returning group of scientists.
She shivered when she heard his low, baritone voice, discussing on the newest grave they discovered.
She bit her lips hardly and she could taste the distinctive metallic taste of her blood. She took in a deep breath before turning to face Grissom. Grissom had visibly thinned. His beard was totally white now and covered the most of his face.
"Sara!" Grissom covered his mouth with his left hand in shock. Sara took a quick glance on his fourth finger and her heart swelled with hopes when she could see the gold band around it.
Getting the cue, the other scientists dispersed away, giving them some privacy.
"Gilbert Grissom." Sara moved forward, closing the distance between them.
"I love you. Do you still love me?" She asked, focusing all of her attention on him.
She prayed in her heart that his answer would be what she wanted to hear.
"Yes, I love you, Sara." He walked the remaining steps towards her and tightened his hands around her thin frame. "I always do. I am sorry."
"I should be the one who apologize. I forgot you needed assurances," Sara rested her head at the crook of his shoulder, breathing in his masculine scent.
"I'm sorry. I am so afraid. We were so distant. I did not want to do that but I thought you did not need me anymore. I did not want to get hurt, so I made that decision to reduce the pains," Grissom's tears came cascading down.
"I'm here now. We can work it out." Sara broke into a smile.
"You ought to lose that hideous beard," Sara spun around with shaving foam on her left hand and a straight edge razor on her right hand.
Grissom's eyes twinkled. "I think so too."
Sara sauntered over and spread the foam over his face. She lifted up the razor and narrowed her eyes.
"Do you trust me?" she asked.
"Intimately." He replied hoarsely.
They winked at each other. They had played out this scene when they were at the peak of their relationship.
Although that there were going to be some obstacles in their way to get back on track but they knew that they were going to stick it through together.
Because, they loved each other.
I guess this is the longest one-shot I ever written. I hope you enjoy it and love it.
Thanks for taking your time to read it. :)