Love Is a Four Letter Word

Prologue: And They Lived Happily Ever After

"You are the world's biggest jackass!"

Once upon a time there was a girl that fell in love with a boy.

Big mistake.

I searched frantically for the heaviest object in my general vicinity. A cordless phone? It would have to do. I chucked at the naked man that lay on my bed, bereft of sheets. Where had the sheets gone? They were wrapped firmly around the screaming girl in the corner of my bedroom as she tried to hide her own nudity.

"You lying, conniving, ruthless little man!" I screamed at him as he hid himself behind a pillow. A pillow? Nay. Our pillow. I'd shared that pillow with that slimy little man for the past five years, three of which were spent under the protection of our wedding vows.

Wedding vows are a load of bullshit.

"You're a bastard! A sick little bastard! And now you're screwing my secretary?" I screamed, ripping the pillow away from him and hitting him repeatedly with it.

"Julia! Julia, stop!" he shouted back as I continued to hit him and he tried his hardest to cover up. Eventually, when I refused to cease the pillow beating, he somersaulted off the bed and slid on a discarded pair of underwear before I could work my way around the bed. The little tramp quickly sprinted out of the corner and locked herself in the bathroom. "You have to stop!" he continued to shout as I resumed my pummeling with the pillow. He was such a girl, begging for me to stop? It was merely a pillow!

"No!" I shouted, hitting him particularly viciously in the head. "And you have no right to order me around, you cheating bastard!"

"Julia," he continued, his voice muffled as he bowed his head and hid it under his arms as if he were expecting a bombing upon his head. I stopped hitting him and he lifted his head slightly from his hands to observe what had caused me to stop. As soon as I could see his eyes I hit him, with all my force, over the head for one final time. He whimpered and bowed again.

"Are you done?" he asked, as I stood there, the pillow lying lifeless by my side, panting and trying to stop the room from spinning. His voice was still muffled in his arms. When I didn't respond, he reluctantly lifted his head again. "Have you calmed down yet?"

I forgot about the pillow and kicked him in the shin. "No I have not calmed down!" I growled as I fell back in defeat. I landed on the bare bed, not even considering the lewd acts that must have taken place on my formerly pure bed.

"Julia, you need to be practical here," he replied. I hated him. I hated his soothing, psychiatric tones. I hated his psychoanalyst voice. I hated his self confidant claim that he was always right. I hated the way he thought he knew what I needed. But mostly, I hated the way he was sleeping with my secretary.

"I don't need to do anything you say," I replied numbly. I was far passed anger. I was so mad I was… dulcet. I was so angry I couldn't even yell anymore.

"I'm sorry Julia," he said, in that same patronizing, psychoanalyst's tone, as he squatted down in front of me where I sat on the bed. He put one hand on my shoulder while the other went to my face to wipe the tears I hadn't even noticed off of my cheek. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered as he stared into my eyes.

Suddenly, his eyes broke contact with mine and peered over my shoulder where my ex-secretary had just dressed and stepped out of my bathroom with a click from the door.
"I didn't mean to, Jules." He didn't even notice me anymore. He was locked onto Mandy, the secretary.

This is how it ends. The ex-secretary and the ex-husband; I am now a woman of exes. He was about to speak the death sentence to our relationship.

"But I fell in love with her."

This time I didn't use a pillow when I punched him in the nose.

Aw poor Julia. I figured I'd just put this up. It won't have frequent updates for awhile, but I wanted to start it off... along with my other six.

OK! Here is a promise: I won't start any more stories until I have finished three of the ones I've already started. I'm going to do "Vain and Superficial" first, because that's mostly written and very short. Then I want to finish "Don't Panic" because I should have done that a long time ago. Then I'm just going to work of whatever story seems to strike my whim. I have a starting stories disease, but when they hit me I just have to get them out of my head. It waould scare you to know that I have even more stories that are started on my desktop... not to mention a three plays. Sigh. I blame my overactive imagination.

This will be a pride and prejudice tale. A very weird one, but one nonetheless.

Has anyone noticed that my characters are prone to physical violence? That's my second leading lay that's punched someone in the first chapter alone. I think JUlia was justified though, don't you?