Soldier
"You're a soldier – it's time you acted like one."
Athrun Zala's voice was steely. It was sharp but it did not have the sort of edge that pricked you in the guts. Instead it penetrated you right through and you were left wondering how it could have had such an effect on you when you weren't really listening in the first place. Shinn would have thought it was kind of like the blade of a beam saber if he had a mind for these analogies. But he was pissed, so Athrun's voice sounded like that of a dying cat to him.
"You're only two years older than me," Shinn pointed out tersely. He straightened up, tried to show the defiance he felt through his eyes, if only so that it could match the intensity of Athrun's gaze. "I've been through training just like you have. So don't tell me what to do!"
His glare was punctuated by whisperings from the sidelines.
"What are they arguing about this time?" Meyrin whispered to Luna.
"Beats me," Luna answered with a nonchalant shrug.
Shinn snapped his gaze to them and scowled. "Shut up, both of you!" he snapped.
It did have the desired effect, but the girls really didn't have to roll their eyes.
Shinn had half a mind to point out that they weren't really much of soldiers either. He had scored much higher than both Luna and Meyrin in all their classes. But then Athrun would point out that this wasn't the academy, this was a war and the stakes were so much higher.
It really did get annoying, when Shinn could actually see where Athrun was coming from. But that had never been the problem that Shinn had had with him.
"Look, Shinn-" Athrun began, but Shinn would have none of it.
"Do you even know what you want to do yourself?" he demanded. "You were with Orb before and now you're with ZAFT. You're such an indecisive guy, even though you try not to act like it!"
"Hey, watch it, Shinn!" exclaimed Luna, who of freaking course always took Athrun's side on these things.
At that moment, Athrun sighed, and it froze Shinn to the spot, more than any reprimand could have done. It wasn't a sigh of exasperation or anger. It was a sigh of resignation and finality, the sort of noise that could only come from someone who really had seen all there was to see.
And it was a sigh of agreement too.
Earlier that same day, Shinn had not been wearing his ZAFT uniform. He had crept out of the Minerva like a prisoner on a bid for freedom. And he had brought his lunch with him in a container.
When he was out of sight from the ship, a slow smile crept onto his face. He was a man with a secret he was proud of.
The first voice he heard belonged to the girl. "You're here, mister Shinn!" It was a high-pitched, bubbly and cheerful voice. Sort of like Mayu's, Shinn thought, but a bit more youthful. Hearing it only broadened the smile on his face.
"Hey there, Rosie," he said to the girl. "I've got food this time."
She was ten years old and her face lit up the way that only a ten-year-old child's could. "Thank you so much, mister Shinn!" she exclaimed, and clapped her hands together enthusiastically.
He placed his lunch in the little girl's hands and she ate it right there I front of him, in the little cove where they met. Shinn decided that all the secrecy was worth it for the sake of a young girl's smile. She was a Natural, and the Minerva had stopped temporarily in enemy territory because their last battle had left the ship in urgent need of repair. So far, the Earth Alliance hadn't noticed that the ZAFT ship was situated right under their noses. Shinn was meant to be on duty in case the Earth Alliance did catch on. But during his patrol of the coastline, he had first encountered the young Natural girl walking around aimlessly alone. She was thin and waif-like as if she had not had a proper meal in a long while.
Screw orders, Shinn Asuka thought.
He had since come to learn the girl's name and she had come to learn his. But today would be their last meeting because in a matter of hours, the repairs would be completed and the Minerva would leave the coast.
"Gee, you're nice!" Rosie chirped once she had finished wolfing down the lunch. And then, putting down the container, she did something that caught the young soldier complete off-guard.
She hugged him.
"I want to marry you, mister Shinn!" she declared.
"Uh, what?" said Shinn stupidly. Wasn't he sixteen and wasn't she ten? It took him a moment, but thinking about Mayu made him understand. Mayu had often talked about older guys who she thought it would be nice to marry.
When he had brought up the whole age difference issue to Mayu, she had mischievously poked her tongue out at him.
"Brother, you dummy!" she had laughed. "I don't want to live forever with all those men. They wouldn't want to marry and besides, it would be very strange. But I can always admire them from a distance."
Shinn only found out later that his sister had displayed remarkable common sense for a girl of twelve.
He did not know if Rosie was the same so he only laughed nervously and tried – discreetly – to pull away.
"This is the last time I can visit," he reminded her, not unkindly. "I have to go soon."
She drew back and pouted. "Awwwww! But I like you!"
"I know," he mumbled. Rosie's pout was just like Mayu's, he thought.
It took him a few minutes to convince Rosie that this was the last time he would see her. He was disappointed to see her face fall but he knew it was for the best. Even if the repairs took a little longer, Shinn could not keep up his deception to his colleagues forever.
In fact, the deception ended the moment he stepped back onto the Minerva. Athrun Zala was waiting for him.
"Shit," said Shinn. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Wordlessly, Athrun slapped him across the face.
"A civilian girl, huh?" Athrun said later, when their argument had cooled down somewhat.
Somewhat. Shinn continued to glare balefully at him. "What's it to you?"
"The same thing it's always been." Athrun gazed levelly at him as he spoke. "Listening to emotions instead of orders."
"Shut up," Shinn hissed. "Isn't the role of the military to serve the people?"
Something flickered in Athrun's eyes.
It almost made Shinn hesitate. "I'll do what I think is right," he declared strongly. "I don't give a damn what you think."
And then, surprisingly, Athrun broke into a grim smile.
"Two years ago, I fought someone like you," he said. "He wanted to do what he thought was right instead of what the military was doing." He chuckled darkly. "I thought he was a naïve fool when I fought him."
Shinn was morosely silent.
"That man and I are friends," Athrun finished.
"Then why are you always on my back…?"
"Don't flatter yourself," said Athrun bluntly. "I don't wait around for you to make a mistake just to tell you off about it."
Shinn was startled to realize that they had arrived at an uneasy truce.
He forced his next words out through his teeth.
"I'm sorry for sneaking out. But you would've said no if I'd asked."
"Are you so sure?" Athrun said quietly, turning his back to him.
"Wait, where the hell are you going?" Shinn demanded.
"To see the girl," Athrun responded crisply. "What else?"
The stupid dickhead, Shinn thought. That self-righteous son of a bitch had him feel like a fool yet again.
And yet this time, Shinn found that he did not mind as much as he had previously.
It had something to do with Rosie's smile, he decided. And maybe it also had something to do with how Athrun returned the smile. He did it awkwardly but Shinn could tell he did it genuinely.
Shinn was genuinely stunned.
"I thought you said you wouldn't be back, mister Shinn," said Rosie, tugging on Shinn's sleeve. "And you brought your friend too."
"Yeah," said Shinn numbly, although he did not mention that to call Athrun his friend was about as accurate as saying Orb was a wonderful nation and that Cagalli Yula Atha was not a brainless bitch.
He found himself staring at Athrun in spite of himself, as his commander knelt down and patted Rosie lightly on the head. He was so used to Athrun's sternness that to see his demeanour melt away into kindness was something Shinn found himself dumbfounded by. Even more surprisingly, it was not an unpleasant sort of surprise; he felt a small prick of happiness in his chest at the sight of it. The moment he identified exactly what that feeling meant, he shook his head vigorously and scowled. He couldn't be starting to like the sorry bastard.
Totally unaware of Shinn's thoughts, Athrun regarded Rosie silently for a moment, and by the time he spoke again, the softness in his gaze had hardened once again. It was nothing that could frighten a child, but the brief glimpse of vulnerability was gone now.
"There's something I want to ask you," he said softly.
"What is it, mister?" asked Rosie curiously. She looked up at Athrun with wide, expectant eyes.
He smiled again, and his smile was different yet again. It shone with melancholy. "You're waiting for your father, aren't you?"
Shinn stiffened.
"Uh huh!" said Rosie blithely. "Every day, I'm waiting for him to come back on his boat. He said he was gonna beat up the ZAFT baddies!"
… And with a sickening sensation, Shinn remembered the battle that had caused such severe damage to the Minerva. There had been dozens of Earth Alliance ships in the waters and Shinn, in the Impulse, he struck them all down…
"I see," said Athrun, the same melancholy smile still plastered over his face. He patted the girl again. "It was nice talking to you."
"You fucking bastard!" Shinn snarled, when they were back on the Minerva. "What the hell'd you go and ask about her dad for?"
"Because you didn't ask," Athrun replied smoothly as he began to pull his ZAFT military jacket on over his shirt. When he was done, he turned to gaze at Shinn piercingly.
"You didn't want to consider that you might have orphaned the young girl, just as you were orphaned."
Shinn could hardly believe Athrun could utter something so callous. No, scratch that – he could believe it.
(It was the truth.)
"You…!" Shinn spat. "You should listen to yourself speak, you-!"
"Or it could have been me," Athrun cut him off. His expression was totally stoic and calm, eerily so. "Or Rey. Or Lunamaria. War makes murderers of us all, can't you see that, Shinn?"
Shinn could hear the steel in Athrun's voice.
He was startled, not for the first time that day. The real first was actually seeing that inner turmoil within Athrun Zala – and understanding why it drove him.
"You bastard," was all Shinn could say. "I hope you never get laid."
He said it exasperatedly, and Athrun case him a wry and amused glance in response.
"And why is that?" he asked.
Shinn paused. He thought about that fateful day at Orb when his parents and sister had perished. He thought about the Bloody Valentine War. He thought about Rosie and how affectionate she had been to the man who may have unwittingly caused her father's demise. And through it all, he thought of Athrun and the unexpected tender side he had shown with the girl.
"So that you never have kids," Shinn declared. "So that if you die, they wouldn't be orphans."
"How about you tell me not to die?" Athrun suggested, grimacing.
Shinn shook his head. "No bloody way in hell." When he noticed Athrun's lips purse together in disapproval, he found himself smiling, albeit grudgingly.
"It's not like you can obey a command like that." He explained: "You did say war makes murderers of us all."
Athrun smiled, bitterly.